loveslife Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Ohhh right, I think this is the guy who put her off twice the other day. I'd say be grateful if he doesn't come and maybe you'll meet your prince charming tonight!
Author dreamergrl Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Yeah that is the one. The bbq is turning into a disaster. The pit in my complex is being decorated for a party. Apparently they supposedly paid for the area for the day and are having 80 people. What bothers me about this is the complex managers should have put up a notice if a common area was off limits. We now have to move the bbq.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for the reminder about the blow off, I actually had forgotten about that.
kizik Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Dreamergirl, oh, it is agony for me to be banned for two weeks and not be able to respond to your threads. You are 100%, unequivocally boy-crazy. I don't understand why you have to date three guys at the same time, etc. Clearly you "need" male attention. Do you watch The Real World? There's a chick on there, Jonna (though of course it's pronounced JAH-NAY) who is constantly grabbing on men, stealing her roomies' dates, etc. She cannot exist without male attention. Anyway, she kind of reminds me of you. Can you just chill and be without a man for a minute?
Author dreamergrl Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Dreamergirl, oh, it is agony for me to be banned for two weeks and not be able to respond to your threads. You are 100%, unequivocally boy-crazy. I don't understand why you have to date three guys at the same time, etc. Clearly you "need" male attention. Do you watch The Real World? There's a chick on there, Jonna (though of course it's pronounced JAH-NAY) who is constantly grabbing on men, stealing her roomies' dates, etc. She cannot exist without male attention. Anyway, she kind of reminds me of you. Can you just chill and be without a man for a minute? Actually it's only two now, as decided not to see one of them any more. And btw, I did take a dating break. Now I'm getting back into it. And no, I don't need male attention. I want to date, and I want to find the right guy, and I'm not going to overly invest into a man right off the bat like I used to. Thanks though Oh and FYI, I don't steal my roommates dates lol. Anyways... So for the bbq, I found out that the bbq pit can't be reserved, only the club house. I'm trying to decide if I want to move it and try to let everyone know, or keep it and deal with the baby shower party. They have the whole pit decorated to.
boldjack Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Soul search & Dreamer, this is exactly the point I'm trying to make. If you date multiple people, you mind set will inevitably become one of your "A", date or your "B",date. Somebody is going to get hurt, but you seem not to care, as long as it isn't you. Dreamer, I think you are a beautiful woman, and a charming, and witty person, but I wouldn't date you on a bet, even if I could. I wouldn't be anyones "B", date.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I'm a bit confused on who'd get hurt through BoldJack. I'm never about hurting someone. In this situation... the guy knows I'm dating multiple. He then can choose whether or not to date me. Look at it this way. If I would have just settled on one guy (we will say that guy is the one I had been dating), I'd have pretty much just have gotten my dating ass handed to me this weekend. I would have been overly invested in someone who obviously was not invested in me.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I've never been one to multiple date (but will fight to the death your right to do so, dreamer and SS). I think we know pretty quickly if there's relationship potential. The way I see it is with multiple dating I would be settling for people I don't really see a future with and there's always a reason for not seeing a future with them. For me, it's making better, higher quality choices, not choosing more at one time. Dreamer, do you think you would have let this guy's poor behavior slide if he had been the only one you were dating? And how was the bbq last night?
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I've never been one to multiple date (but will fight to the death your right to do so, dreamer and SS). I think we know pretty quickly if there's relationship potential. The way I see it is with multiple dating I would be settling for people I don't really see a future with and there's always a reason for not seeing a future with them. For me, it's making better, higher quality choices, not choosing more at one time. Dreamer, do you think you would have let this guy's poor behavior slide if he had been the only one you were dating? And how was the bbq last night? I think I might have to be honest. Well, at least the old me, before my dating break, before I decided to casually date and not take things so seriously, I would have put up with the crappy behavior. I would have over invested myself to the point where I'd be making excuses for him. The bbq last night went really well. A lot of people didn't show up, but my friends and I still had a blast. And a neighbor that I never met joined us, and she seemed really cool. Our birthdays are next to each other, so we might have a combined birthday bbq.
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 What Boldjack may be inferring is that, by being obvious about multiple dating, you are creating a dynamic where a good, healthy man, a man with the kind of ego that will serve you well in a relationship, will perceive your vacillating and variable interests as a negative and choose not to date you. His intrinsic setpoint is to be 'the one', not the 'one of many'. This drives his success; who he is. IMO, a healthy man will not see a woman as 'a prize', something to be won over other males. That devalues her to the same level as business or property, which men compete over every day. A man who sees the woman as property will treat her as property, as we often see on these boards. I personally have stated in the past that I have no problem with a woman dating other men, but, then again, look at my relationship history. Not exactly the modicum of success. Perhaps this dynamic is the male version of the difference between getting a woman and keeping a woman. So, perhaps, even though my setpoint is different, I might tend to agree with Boldjack's assessment. He is right, at some elemental level, those women who multi-dated me when I was single did hurt me, mainly in the belief (my own) that I wasn't worth enough of their time and/or interest to spend it on me solo, if even briefly (longer than one date). I've now changed my belief and perception, and don't see women as being that important in my overall life. That perception will likely limit me in the future, but it is the conditioning of the past (long time conditioning) that drives it. It is a health borne of experience. Sorry the BBQ didn't go as planned. More social rules to deal with. Sometimes communities suck. Hope the next one is better. I waved yesterday as I flew over on my way to Dulles (Washington, DC). Invite me and I'll make sure the plane lands
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 I get what Boldjack is saying, however, if I'm seeing a guy who is also seeing other women, I don't see how he's going to get hurt.
Thaddeus Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Glad your bbq went well, Dreamergrl. On this whole multiple-dating thing, I'm of two minds on it. If both people involved are dating without the expectation of exclusivity, then no harm, no foul. That, as I understand it, is what you're doing and kudos for being honest and up-front about it. But Boldjack makes a good point. No matter how hard we try or how we justify it in our own minds, someone's going to be on the A list and someone else is going to be on the B list. And that, by the very nature of the process, is going to hurt someone. If a man (in your case) gets the sense he's going to be on the B list, he'll probably just completely disappear from your radar. It also sets up a situation whereby the two (or more) fellows are in competition with each other. That might sound great in the short-term, but eventually they'll tire of it and you might lose both (or however many they are). Just my $0.02.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I think I might have to be honest. Well, at least the old me, before my dating break, before I decided to casually date and not take things so seriously, I would have put up with the crappy behavior. I would have over invested myself to the point where I'd be making excuses for him. The bbq last night went really well. A lot of people didn't show up, but my friends and I still had a blast. And a neighbor that I never met joined us, and she seemed really cool. Our birthdays are next to each other, so we might have a combined birthday bbq. I'm glad the bbq was a success! Sounds like fun and I'm glad you got to meet another neighbor. Dreamer, don't take crappy behavior from anyone!
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 But Boldjack makes a good point. No matter how hard we try or how we justify it in our own minds, someone's going to be on the A list and someone else is going to be on the B list. And that, by the very nature of the process, is going to hurt someone. If a man (in your case) gets the sense he's going to be on the B list, he'll probably just completely disappear from your radar. It also sets up a situation whereby the two (or more) fellows are in competition with each other. That might sound great in the short-term, but eventually they'll tire of it and you might lose both (or however many they are). Just my $0.02. I feel that a man will value a woman less if she's "content" to settle for being one of many. And I think her estimation will also go down in his eyes if she is sleeping with more than one guy at a time.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Well, since the guy never showed or bothered to contact me to say he's not showing, I'm down to one guy anyways. I'm glad that I'm multiple dating, or else I'd have been invested in a guy who obviously had me low on the priority list. We've been seeing each other for about a month now. I dserve better then a cop out like that. As for the other guy, he couldn't come anyways, as he's got his kids for the weekend.
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Well, since the guy never showed or bothered to contact me to say he's not showing, I'm down to one guy anyways. I'm glad that I'm multiple dating, or else I'd have been invested in a guy who obviously had me low on the priority list. We've been seeing each other for about a month now. I dserve better then a cop out like that. As for the other guy, he couldn't come anyways, as he's got his kids for the weekend. Is the other guy the one who has been separated just a few weeks? Dreamer, I think you have a lot of friends on this board, or at least there are a lot of people trying to help you as you figure out what works best for you. It's taken me a long time to really understand the importance of having high standards for allowing people to be a part of my life. You're focusing on the idea that at least the relationship was casual. What I think people are trying to get you to see is that anyone who would treat you that way should not be a part of your life. He should have been gone the first time he tried to jerk you around. I once had the opportunity to ask questions of a guy who had treated me badly. I asked why he did it. His response was "because you let me." He did acknowledge it was no excuse but that's why anyone treats us badly.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Is the other guy the one who has been separated just a few weeks? Dreamer, I think you have a lot of friends on this board, or at least there are a lot of people trying to help you as you figure out what works best for you. It's taken me a long time to really understand the importance of having high standards for allowing people to be a part of my life. You're focusing on the idea that at least the relationship was casual. What I think people are trying to get you to see is that anyone who would treat you that way should not be a part of your life. He should have been gone the first time he tried to jerk you around. I once had the opportunity to ask questions of a guy who had treated me badly. I asked why he did it. His response was "because you let me." He did acknowledge it was no excuse but that's why anyone treats us badly. But I did say if he did it again, he'd be gone, and I wont go out with him again, even if he does contact me. I'm focusing on the fact that if it wasn't casual, I'd probably have let this slide, because I'd have been much more invested. Yeah, the other guy is the one who's been single for just a few weeks. I'll be treading on that one carefully.
JohnP82 Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I'm going to agree with some of the above posters. If I was dating a girl and found out that she was also dating other guys I would probably lose interest. I'm not going to compete with other guys. She definitely has a right to do whatever she wants but I don't want to be your back up plan. I think people also have a 6th sense, if they listen too it, to know when they are being relegated to the B team. I think this definitely would change my mind if she was sleeping with other guys also. I guess too if she isn't sleeping with me, maybe it's an ego thing. I then would think do I want to sleep with her if she's also sleeping with other guys. Forgive the rambling my mind is on Sunday Funday.
Kamille Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I'm glad that I'm multiple dating, or else I'd have been invested in a guy who obviously had me low on the priority list. Hi Dreamer! Glad to see you're back into the game and staying sane about it. Something in the quoted statement struck me as odd though. I understand you have to do what you have to do to make sure you stay balanced in the dating world, but... Why would dating only one guy mean you would have been too invested in the guy too early? I'm not opposed to multidating, but I think one shouldn't use dating to fix dating problems. It's like snorting cocaine to ward off a met addiction. When I need to keep my mind off a guy, I much prefer going out to the gym, going out with friends, picking up a new sport then dating another guy. Those other activities yield rewards that I can count on and I know it'll boost my self-esteem. Dating? Well... Dating, as we both know, can put one in the wringer. It also goes back to the boundary issue: you should know you deserve good treatment, regardless of whether or not you have another man in your life. In other words, you should feel good enough about yourself that being mistreated by some guy doesn't make you question the fact that you are a great catch. The thinking should go: that sucks, but it's totally his loss. So, and you know I love you lots and think you're doing great, but I do understand why some posters here feel that you are too focused on men. (And, well, you know I love men too! )
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 How far is the road from exclusivity to multi in the mind of someone who is predisposed to multiple intimacies? Is the propensity to 'explore the possibilities' pervasive or situational. Is it a setpoint? How is it perceived? OP, you're hearing from men here. I'm not saying we're 'right', but I think, just like when we hear women's perspective, it's important to at least listen. Most of the men posting here have been or are married so they represent the crop of men who do commit for the long term. Hopefully it's been helpful.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 Hi K! I'm not using dating to fix problems, but I'm going about dating that works better for me. And if I was too focused on men, I'd not be turning down dates
Author dreamergrl Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 How far is the road from exclusivity to multi in the mind of someone who is predisposed to multiple intimacies? Is the propensity to 'explore the possibilities' pervasive or situational. Is it a setpoint? How is it perceived? OP, you're hearing from men here. I'm not saying we're 'right', but I think, just like when we hear women's perspective, it's important to at least listen. Most of the men posting here have been or are married so they represent the crop of men who do commit for the long term. Hopefully it's been helpful. But see, I'm not ready for a long term exclusive commitment just yet. I want to date, and meet more people. I don't want to settle down right now. And just so we are all clear, I'm not sleeping with multiple people. How far away is being exclusive from multiple dating? It depends on if/when I meet a man that is right for me, and shows that he's worth it. I'm done settling for less then what I deserve. And I'm trying to date in a way that works for me. I'm honest about it with those I'm dating. And I refuse to commit to one guy when I don't know if he's worth it. What if I would have committed to this guy? Where would I be left standing?
carhill Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 A real hard question to ask yourself is if this multi-dating mindset is a comfortable one for you. Is it your intrinsic setpoint? Do you like it better than serial monogamy/dating? I'd let that drive the healthiness of the dynamic. IOW, if I desire exclusivity, whether in dating or a relationship, can I mulit-date and feel good about it, at my base level, or, conversely, is there always something a bit uncomfortable about it at the core, but I enjoy it superficially and it will satisfy me until my time for a 'real' intimate relationship comes, since my core is exclusive and monogamous. Knowing yourself is paramount. I think, if you're just a bit uncomfortable with this, but not pervasively, you'll be fine, if an exclusive relationship is what you truly desire. The risk is, covert and overt signals you send out from this mindset are perceived by men whom might otherwise make a healthy and compatible long-term partner. IOW, your perspective has a marked effect on the dynamic of timing. Is that worth it? IDK. Keep having BBQ's
loveslife Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 The risk is, covert and overt signals you send out from this mindset are perceived by men whom might otherwise make a healthy and compatible long-term partner. IOW, your perspective has a marked effect on the dynamic of timing. Is that worth it? IDK. Keep having BBQ's I think it's very easy to fall into ways of doing things and before you know it, that's your reality or way of living. What you say about the signals makes a lot of sense to me. Also, she is in a new setting and making her new circle as someone who multiple dates and "isn't looking for anything serious." She's sleeping with guys before she knows them well. This is how she is defining herself in her new world. Dreamer, I believe that you are okay with this for now but I know you want one man who is compatible for the long term. I think the men responding to this thread are giving you an idea of what men who make commitments are looking for...
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