Old Flame, So Complicated, Second Chance?

[Fraggle Rock]

Hello, I need advice. My ex and I lived together for two years. I was extremely attracted to him but I felt like he was lacking in the emotional support department. That being said, I've also been known to make a mountain out of a mole hill and one day I just told him I was moving out. I still loved him, he was my first true love, but I had hoped that by threatening to move on, he would beg for me to stay and we would live happily ever after. Very stupid and childish, I know.

 

Well, my plan did not work. He never tried to stop me from leaving, in fact, he seemed relieved that I was the first to break things off. I sort of felt like maybe he wanted to do the same but didn't have the guts to end it. We lived together for another month before I moved out. The week before I left, I was having serious doubts and told him that I changed my mind and he said it was too late. We started having really passionate sex and I wanted him even more. It didn't matter, he let me go anyway. Why bother to have sex with me if you don't want me anymore?

 

He found a new girlfriend relatively quickly and it really hurt me. I dated on and off but those guys weren't him and I couldn't get into them. A year later, my ex contacted me and said he was having problems with his girlfriend. We started hanging out, we went to the movies, out to dinner, he came over one night to hang out, we talked on the phone every day and then one night we went out drinking, went back to his place and had sex. I professed my love for him and cried my eyes out, he seemed really uncomfortable and I felt weird so I left. Two days later, he told me that he and his girlfriend had decided to not break up and that I could never tell anyone what happened between us. Again, I felt hurt.

 

Eventually, I knew that I had to move on because I would never have him back. I still loved him very much and I cried often. Every guy I met would irritate me in some way and I would walk out on dates or date them several times and then break it off. I wanted my ex back. Finally, I worked on getting over my ex, I started going back to the gym to tone up, met new friends and took some really valuable advice from someone who told me that the only reason I didn't like any of the guys I was dating was because I was comparing them to my ex and that I needed to stop.

 

My ex and I still remained friendly and then I met my current husband. He was really attractive, smart and sweet. I thought, finally, I found my perfect match. I told my ex that there were no hard feelings and that I always wanted to keep in touch but that I couldn't talk to him anymore because it was unhealthy. I got married a year later and everything had been going ok. My new husband treated me like a princess and was very good to me. But, he wasn't my ex.

 

The only problem was that I couldn't get my ex off of my mind. I secretly harbored feelings for him and dreamed of him coming back to me. I didn't dare tell my husband although he admitted recently that he knew all along that I never got over my ex.

 

A few days ago, my ex sent me an email out of the blue after two years of not having any contact with each other. He said that his girlfriend and him broke up, he had left her for a woman he just met but that he had thought about me non-stop the entire time we were apart and that was part of the reason why they broke up. He said that he would check up on one of my social networking profiles weekly to see how I was doing and missed me a lot. I was confused because he started dating someone else right away, how does that fit in with the whole, think about me the entire time scenario?

 

At first I was excited and didn't know how to react. I immediately told my husband EVERYTHING. He is very understanding and tried to help me figure it all out. The problem is, my ex and I have talked about how we are still in love and miss each other. We have talked about meeting up for a beer to talk but we haven't actually done so yet. My husband knows about that as well. The problem is, my ex said that although his new girlfriend knows of me, if she found out that he was talking to me or contemplating meeting up with me, she would freak out. Why does he care what she thinks if he's so in love with me? He's also spending the entire weekend with her right now and told me that she is really hot and guys drool over her. I felt very jealous. Now I can't stop thinking about the two of them together. My husband asks me what's wrong and I lash out at him. I feel really bad but I don't know what else to do.

 

So, I feel like a jerk because, I think I got married as a way to validate getting over my ex when in reality, I never actually did. I was hoping by getting married and moving away, that the pain I felt over losing my ex would eventually dissipate and that my husband and I would live happily ever after. Instead, I pined over my ex and now that he has come back into my life, I feel so confused.

 

I guess I would like your opinions about second chances and well, does my ex deserve one? Do you think it is fair to just say, sorry, I'm married, ignore my true feelings and pretend to be happy with my husband? Do you think that my ex really cares about me or is he just afraid to be alone and unsure of this new relationship, so I am some sort of "safe person," or fail safe so that if this new girlfriend doesn't pan out, he has someone to fall back on? I'm worried that may be the case. He sort of did it before with the first girlfriend, IE: as soon as things went wrong, he came running to me and then when they worked out, he dumped me like yesterday's trash.

 

I don't want to screw up my life over love. Is it even worth it? Do you think I should try to fall in love with my husband, I mean I love him but not like I love my ex. I'm already in therapy, been for five years, and been through several therapists, they are useless. Sorry if I wrote too much, I warned you it was complicated.

[luchalucha]

sorry to hear your story, but in my opinion you are married! your husband will be crushed if you leave him for anybody not only you ex, if you don't think about your husband i don't know what would you think after you get back with your ex.

 

i am a believer in second chances but don't take your husband's life away because of getting back with you ex, there are a million things that could happen so think about it seriously.

 

love should not be like that.

 

good luck.

[Fraggle Rock]

Thank you for your advice. I know, I don't want to destroy my husband but I also don't think it's right to harbor feelings for someone else, he deserves better than that. I have tried EVERYTHING to stop thinking about my ex and to get over it.

 

What else do I do? I feel the entire situation sucks and no matter how it ends up, someone is gonna be miserable...

[leap83]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through emotional turmoil, but honestly, what in the world are you doing being married?! Better yet, what are you doing to your husband? How can you be so selfish? I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Either walk away from marriage and go back to your ex, or stay in the marriage, try to work things through and FORGET about your ex.

 

Honestly, though, I wouldn't believe a word your ex is saying. He's full of ****. If he wanted you in the first place, he wouldn't have let you go. It's NEVER going to be the same way again because he hurt you. You might think it will be, but it's NOT. Believe me when I tell you this. Ultimately, it's your decision but it pains me to read this and think about your husband. It pains me that you didn't even ONCE mention that this might be hurting your husband - the man who is sweet and attractive. You're so selfish and so into your own world that you fail to see what you're doing to the man YOU MARRIED.

 

Sorry for sounding harsh. But I feel about these issues strongly. I've also entered a relationship emotionally unhealthy and it has caused more damage than I ever could imagine - to everyone involved (even me). So I understand the selfishness behind it, but I don't tolerate it anymore and I for SURE would NEVER do something like that to ANYONE, even if I wasn't in love with them. I say leave your husband. Let him be in peace. Or go to couples counseling and get some help (for both of you).

[CLC2008]

God Bless your husband, you dear lady, don’t deserve him. Why on earth would you marry someone you weren’t in love with?

[Fraggle Rock]

I'm suffering a dilemma... That doesn't make me selfish, it makes me human. It would be selfish if I were to cheat on my husband like most people do. I told him the truth and have not done anything wrong.

 

I didn't come here to be attacked and for your information, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I highly doubt you are here because you have been perfect in all of your relationships.

 

Emotions suck, just because I have conflicted feelings does not necessarily make me selfish. If I only cared about myself, I wouldn't be here asking for advice. I would just screw around with my ex and keep my husband.

 

In fact, my husband has been quite understanding about the entire situation and if he heard someone call me selfish, knowing how much I care for others, he would come to bat for me! I've put everyone before me my entire life, I never did anything for myself because everyone else was always more important.

 

Some how, love tripped me up and caused me to have a dilemma. So here I am with feelings for two people. So you think I should just forget about both of them and go crawl under a rock? I wonder if you would do the same? I never set out to hurt anyone, if I could get rid of my emotions, I would because I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

 

There is a 60% divorce rate in the US. So please, spare me your question as to what business I have being married. Apparently NO ONE is getting it right.

[Fraggle Rock]

I told my husband the responses I got and he replied, what advice did I expect to get from a bunch of people who spend all of their time on internet forums.

 

You know what, he's right. Apparently, you people know nothing about human emotions and the things that cause people emotional turmoil. Watch what you say, you may hurt someone's feelings with your disgusting bashing and cause a suicide. With the new internet laws, you may also find yourself in jail.

 

Thanks for nothing, I'll go to a professional for help in figuring this all out. My husband thinks that I am not in love with my ex but that I am scorned that he replaced me so quickly and that I lost out and my ego was hurt more than I was. He thinks that the imprints from the memories that I had with my ex are like a ghost and that is what is holding me back from giving him all of the love that he deserves to have. He said I should continue to talk to my ex to try to air it all out but that in the end, he just wants me to be happy.

 

Talk about good advice right under my nose. Thanks for nothing.

[CLC2008]

I’m sorry, that post came out harsh. I’m not suggesting you’re not human, everyone is human there’s not a single person alive that isn’t selfish on some level. I’ve got a zillion issues, and your correct, the world isn’t perfect so I’m sorry if that’s how I was coming across. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

[fofiffs]

Well when it comes down to it, its your decision in the end weather to stay with your husband or go with your ex. Sorry if you didn't hear the words of advice that you wanted to hear. People are not the same and will have different opinions with your situation. They all have different morals of what love is.

 

If your husband is understanding and is willing to let you figure out what you really want, then go for. Just know that what ever decision you make in the end one of the two persons will be crushed.

 

Good luck to you and may you find happiness in whatever path of directions you choose.

[leap83]

It's great that your husband is so supportive Fraggle Rock. If you asked me about this issue a week ago, I would have a COMPLETELY different outlook on it. But like your husband, I have stuck through the SAME thing with a man and I know how it ended for me. I wish you all the best. I hope you can work it through. Not many people could walk over this and that makes your husband an incredible man. I know you KNOW this so don't make the mistake of going back to your ex, who didn't treat you right.

 

The only reason why I've stated that you're selfish is because you were wondering whether to go back to your ex, but you never mentioned that you asked what your husband wanted. And it's only fair. It's a two way route Fraggle Rock. Remember that.

 

Good luck with everything.

[westrock]

I do not think you are selfish. However, I think the actions of your ex show that he has been very selfish right from the beginning. I'll point out a few things based on your own words....

 

I was extremely attracted to him but I felt like he was lacking in the emotional support department.

 

He didn't seem to care for your feelings.

 

I professed my love for him and cried my eyes out, he seemed really uncomfortable and I felt weird so I left. Two days later, he told me that he and his girlfriend had decided to not break up and that I could never tell anyone what happened between us. Again, I felt hurt.

 

He didn't seem to care for your feelings.

 

A few days ago, my ex sent me an email out of the blue after two years of not having any contact with each other. He said that his girlfriend and him broke up, he had left her for a woman he just met but that he had thought about me non-stop the entire time we were apart and that was part of the reason why they broke up.

 

He didn't seem to care for his girlfriend's feelings because he broke up with her to be with another woman... yet while with the other woman, he is thinking about you so he broke up with her also?

 

He said that he would check up on one of my social networking profiles weekly to see how I was doing and missed me a lot. I was confused because he started dating someone else right away, how does that fit in with the whole, think about me the entire time scenario?

 

I think you are right to ask this question.

 

 

The problem is, my ex and I have talked about how we are still in love and miss each other. We have talked about meeting up for a beer to talk but we haven't actually done so yet.

 

Seems disrespectful on his part... he knows you are married, yet he wants to interfere with your marriage. He may not be married, but IMO, he doesn't seem to care that you are married.

 

The problem is, my ex said that although his new girlfriend knows of me, if she found out that he was talking to me or contemplating meeting up with me, she would freak out. Why does he care what she thinks if he's so in love with me?

 

I think he cares that the new g/f will freak out, probably because he's probably told her that he loves her and he will look like a jerk if she finds out he's not being honest with her.

 

I'm worried that may be the case. He sort of did it before with the first girlfriend, IE: as soon as things went wrong, he came running to me and then when they worked out, he dumped me like yesterday's trash.

 

He seems to be treating all the women in his life like yesterday's trash.

 

Remind us again what is so great about your ex?

 

I don't want to screw up my life over love. Is it even worth it? Do you think I should try to fall in love with my husband, I mean I love him but not like I love my ex.

 

I think you are answering your own question here: "I don't want to screw up my life over love". It seems you have a very understanding and loving husband, why would you want to lose all that? If you leave your husband to take a risk with your ex, should your husband then take you back if things don't work out with your ex?

[Fraggle Rock]

You're right, my ex is a jerk, a player and I'm stupid for even considering it.

 

I will be letting him know that there will be no meeting. If he cared about me, he would have left well enough alone instead of dragging me into his crap.

 

It doesn't mean that I don't still have feelings, it just means that I have to let them be in the past.

[maria_patheticsoul]

DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR EX...he is not worth it.Think about it...why the hell he keeps on keeping you posted about his women.Doesn't he know that you will get hurt.Try not to have communication with him anymore.You are so blessed that you have a very understanding and patient husband that should make you proud.Try to heal your heart with the help of your husband since he is willing to understand you all the way but never go back to your ex.Never leave your marriage just because of this worthless guy.You are just making him boost his ego by still communicating with him specially now that you are married...in his mind he still has impact on you even if you are already married.You can do it...we all can do over come all the hurt and the pain some takes time some just in a wink of an eye...this time we need to use logic when our heart is tired.Goodluck