foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I know how to fall out of it (more like I was shoved and then fell)...but has anyone fallen back IN IT after the A? My H is being truly golden now...and I could really care less. When I told him I loved him, but I was no longer in love with him (a couple of weeks ago)...the look on his face was shock and hurt. Sorry dude, but the thrill is gone. I was in love with him for 20 years. And now I am not...unless it is buried deep? I won't stay married to him if I am not in love with him... So has anyone fallen out of love after the A? Then fallen back in? If so, how long did it take? I am going to try and relax enough to have a killer Orgasm or 12 (with my H) over the long weekend..gawd I miss those.
happylife Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I would lke to know this too. Was it you or him that had the Affair?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Foreal, give yourself some time if your H is indeed being upfront and honest and remorseful. Time as in a year or more. It is possible to get it back if he's doing his part, eventually. Right now you need to heal.
Author foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I would lke to know this too. Was it you or him that had the Affair? He had the A. And thanks Wisheswerehorses (love your name btw)....patience has never been one of my virtues...but I hear you.
Snowflower Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I really agree with what IWWH wrote above. foreal, if your husband is trying to do everything right and is feeling remorseful then give it some time. FWIW, I've been feeling the same way as you at least a little bit...I know I still love my husband but I feel kind of disconnected from him lately. We are exactly 9 months into recovery. And like you mention, my husband has been completely 'golden' and is doing everything he can to help me heal and make our marriage better. I think it is all part of the normal healing process to feel like this. I think I have been examining my own feelings about being married just in general and what it means to be married. I have been trying to think of this stage as a part of the building of our new relationship-the old relationships, the old marriages are gone forever for both you and me. Perhaps this falling out of love feeling for you or 'disconnection' for me is part of building process. Maybe it is a way to tear down the old in order to build new. Again, give it time; you are still healing. Good luck and give yourself time to heal and your husband more time to earn your forgiveness.
Author foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I really agree with what IWWH wrote above. foreal, if your husband is trying to do everything right and is feeling remorseful then give it some time. FWIW, I've been feeling the same way as you at least a little bit...I know I still love my husband but I feel kind of disconnected from him lately. We are exactly 9 months into recovery. And like you mention, my husband has been completely 'golden' and is doing everything he can to help me heal and make our marriage better. I think it is all part of the normal healing process to feel like this. I think I have been examining my own feelings about being married just in general and what it means to be married. I have been trying to think of this stage as a part of the building of our new relationship-the old relationships, the old marriages are gone forever for both you and me. Perhaps this falling out of love feeling for you or 'disconnection' for me is part of building process. Maybe it is a way to tear down the old in order to build new. Again, give it time; you are still healing. Good luck and give yourself time to heal and your husband more time to earn your forgiveness. Hmmmmmm. I had not thought of that-our MC talked/s about the 'building of the new M' too...I didn't really get it. But maybe I am starting to. THANKS SNOWFLOWER! Sometimes I do feel a love-spark of the old thrill, but then the hot flame of the A snuffs out the love-spark. Like today, he left for work and about 10 minutes later came back with a dozen roses saying how he just wanted to make sure I knew how much he'd be thinking of me all day and wanted to be sure I had fresh flowers (which I love). I was touched and so happy! I felt great....until a couple hours later while driving I thought of him screwing the MOW for the first time, and imagining what that was like....so I snapped the shyt out of the rubber band i wear to get me off that kind of thing...then I was just pissed, then sad...and oh so not in love...
Snowflower Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 oh yes, the wonderful emotional rollercoaster. I understand completely. Just let your feelings ride--I have found that is the best thing. Don't try to force yourself to feel one way or the other--either that you 'should' be getting over it or that you 'should' be pissed forever. Just feel what you feel, 'own' your feelings and go from there. Don't try to stop yourself from feeling what you are feeling-anger, sadness, even happiness...whatever it is that you are feeling is okay. Eventually, your feelings will begin to smooth out and you will be conscious of how you process your ups and downs. It's a little different for everyone. In the meantime, talk to your friends (supportive ones, that is), people here on LS, and your husband if you are comfortable. Just...give...yourself...time.
LakesideDream Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I've been in love 4 times, with 3 women. The first... when I was a teeny has lasted my whole life. In between there was a brown eyed magician.. that lasted a couple of years, and the gal I married lasted 26. When I reconnected with my first, it was like coming home. Very easy and comfortable. Alas, that reconnection has faded to nearly nothing. I only chose to be "in love" with my wife. Once the betrayal was out in the open that "in love" feeling dissappeared overnight. Could I fall in love with her again? I can't imagine a situation where that could happen. Oh... and I've had my share, and my oppertunities. It's very difficult to imagine feeling those feelings again with "someone new". I am open to the possibility.
Author foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 okay. T I M E. I wish I had a crystal ball.
Author foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I've been in love 4 times, with 3 women. The first... when I was a teeny has lasted my whole life. In between there was a brown eyed magician.. that lasted a couple of years, and the gal I married lasted 26. When I reconnected with my first, it was like coming home. Very easy and comfortable. Alas, that reconnection has faded to nearly nothing. I only chose to be "in love" with my wife. Once the betrayal was out in the open that "in love" feeling dissappeared overnight. Could I fall in love with her again? I can't imagine a situation where that could happen. Oh... and I've had my share, and my oppertunities. It's very difficult to imagine feeling those feelings again with "someone new". I am open to the possibility. They say men have a more difficult time getting over a betrayal than a woman...and LS seems to confirm that. I think I might be a man...who knew??!!
Snowflower Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 okay. T I M E. I wish I had a crystal ball. yeah, time. Sorry to be redundant! Go enjoy the beautiful roses that your husband gave you because he loves you and wants to make things right.
michelangelo Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 And if you don't feel it, you don't have to jsutify it to anyone, least of your husband. it could be that you are self protection mode. it could be the love really is lost. But you know what? Your feelings about his affair and your sadness, hurt feelings, anger? They are valid. You take all the time you need to sort it out and not worry what others believe.
redtail Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 FWIW Foreal, you seem to have a really good attitude. Keep it real, keep it honest, keep yourself strong and the let the circumstances unfold as they may. As others have said, you can't force it to happen. And to answer your question, no, once the love was gone, I couldn't rekindle the fire. But then again, my ex wasn't exactly bringing my flowers either!
tami-chan Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 They say men have a more difficult time getting over a betrayal than a woman...and LS seems to confirm that. I think I might be a man...who knew??!! LOL...foreal..You are absolutely cracking me up!!!!!:lmao:! When I found out about my H's cheating (the first), something died inside of me....it was automatic shut-off. I was very surprised about how I felt. I actually really thought I would stay in love with him forever, no matter what. But it only took one betrayal and it was gone. I never really tried to rekindle it, either. I am not one to fight for anything I think I was supposed to have....If I can't have it, I don't want it kind of thing. It was a difficult thing for my stbxh thing to process---after all I went through hell ( ok, that's a little too dramatic..lol...)-just to be with him...defied my parents, eloped, got disowned for a bit....and yet, it took only ONE betrayal...
Wibble Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 It's a total nightmare! The raw pain of the betrayal keeps intruding and telling you that you are just kidding yourself. How could he/she be sincere after what they have done etc? Eventually these thoughts will recede and you will be able to look at your partner with a less jaundiced eye. In my experience the feeling that you are in a fools paradise never quite goes away, but IF they convince you of their sincerity then you can ignore it enough to persuade yourself that things can get better. Two downsides to this part of the recovery: firstly, it takes AGES, in my case over a year before I began to quell the voice in my head. Secondly, they REALLY have to prove they are sincere - just going back to business as usual after saying "sorry" does NOT cut the mustard. In my case it was the second bit that caused the problem, and it was the reason why, 3 YEARS after her affair ended, I left her. She never really understood, or even tried to understand, the harm her behaviour both during and after the affair, caused. I don't want to be overly negative, just realistic. People who destroy relationships with adultery are taking a gamble with the lives of everyone in their family. Sometimes they lose.
Woggle Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 If he betrayed you I would not even attempt to fall in love with him. I know every marriage will have bumps and no couple will agree on everything but betrayal to me is something that can't be undone. It's like breaking a vase and gluing it back together. It might be able to stand again but it will never be the same and will never be what it once was.
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