Emotionally open? I want some input ladies.

[Lookingformore]

Hello everyone, first time poster here. I've had a few things on my mind lately, and I just wanted to put them out there for some feedback. I am a 32 year old divorced male who was in a very crappy relationship for a LONG time. I stayed in that relationship out of a mixture of commitment, and because of my child. The marriage was dead long before the split, and I realized many of the mistakes that I made along the way, as well as the mistakes that had me find myself in that relationship to begin with. In short, I have grown and matured very much over the years and am very aware of what I am after in life, as well as what I am after in a woman. I was once what I suppose many would call a "bad boy", and in fact to this day, I am still adventurous, sometimes reckless, assertive, and confident, however, a few things have changed regarding this persona. While I held on to what I believe are positive traits of the "bad boy" mentality, I have also come to accept over the years, that I am also a caring, compassionate, romantic, honest, and overall pretty raw guy. I have never had trouble getting the attention of women, but that is not what this post is about.

 

I have met a woman who is a very mature, intelligent, witty, outgoing, driven, assertive, sexy, sweet, and caring person. She basically has all of the traits that I have ever looked for in a woman, and I have found myself for the first time in my life, truly smitten with her in every way. It seems to be completely mutual, and there is no doubt that there is plenty of chemistry between us as well. We enjoy long talks, and just laying around sometimes touching each other and kissing without having to get sexual every time. Everything in me screams that she may very well be the perfect match for me, and in fact, I am not writing this right now with any doubts in my head about this. I suppose I am mainly seeking responses from mature women, who know what they want in life, and aren't afraid to go for it. Ok, so there's the intro.

 

My conundrum is, if you will, that I have let some guards down that I have never before let down with a woman. I am completely honest with her, and I am not afraid to share just about anything with her, and in fact, this is what I want in a relationship anyway, as if it is to stand the test of time, I feel that these things are important. I have exposed my soft side to her, as well as my feelings of respect for her, attraction to her, and desire to be around her often, as well as a developing emotional attachment. I have opened up emotionally with her, and she has been extremely receptive, and reciprocating with me as well. Everything about the relationship as of yet feels completely awesome, including the sex. It is as if our bodies were made just to be with one another.

 

While I have let her inside, in so many ways, I feel that a few nagging doubts from my "bad boy" days are rearing up and staring me in the face. In the past, I had always felt that women prefer to be treated like crap in the long run, stepped on, and shut out.....and they come back for more and more and more....however, this is not what I want in life, and this is not the kind of relationship that I want to have, nor be a part of. As I stated before, I am still a confident, strong, and adventurous male, that has allowed the other, soft, side of me to truly join with my complete personality (not hidden) as I used to squash those kinds of feelings down. The question I have is this. Can a woman remain happy in a relationship with a man, when they know that their man truly adores them completely? I will never be one to be walked on, but having opened up so much, I feel pretty vulnerable, and I suppose a few fears have reared up and they are screwing with me. Have I shared too much with her? Do women remain faithful to men that they know really do love them? Can that stand the test of time? Do women really want to be treated well? When she realizes how much I care for her, will that cause her to stray?

 

Your answers will be appreciated, although my mind is already made up in regards to what my actions will be. I am going to be 100% true to my heart, and I will never again betray myself again in my life by hiding the true person that I am. I am just wondering if I am going to be doomed for a life of being a single male that is so "sweet" "nice" and "precious". Those words have been spoken to me, and they unnerve me a bit. Yes she finds me attractive, yes, she tells me how sexy I am, but can the 2 sides live in harmony? Thank you in advance for your time, and advice. I know there are always negative people, who will always have negative things to say, just as there are those that always have positive things to say, but I am looking for a very objective cross section of replies, so please feel free to reply regardless of how nice, or how ****ty you really may be.

[Thaddeus]

OK, hold the phone a minute here...

 

Last I checked, I'm not a female. But I see a potential problem here that I've lived and it turned out bad bad bad.

 

Here's what you're likely to hear from the good women of LS:

 

Be true to yourself, open up your heart, be honest, be caring, be genuine, vulnerable, etc. etc.

 

Sounds great, right?

 

Do that, and watch your newfound lady's respect for you plummet off the scale. Sure, you'll be the "nice" loving and vulnerable guy that all women say they want... except they don't want to be romantically involved with them. What women generally say they want and what they actually respond to are two entirely different things.

 

Been there, done that, more than once. (I'm a slow learner, I guess.)

 

Women tend to be attracted to power. Sometimes - often - that means the "strong silent type."

 

That doesn't mean that you should never share your feelings, but it does mean that you need to do it sparingly. Too much, or a "blurt," will result in her losing respect for you as a man.

 

Again, I hasten to add here that I've been guilty of this mistake myself on more than one occasion and in every case, without exception, the lady in question immediately lost respect and attraction to me. It was as if a light switch was turned off, it was that sudden and that dramatic. And respect is like virginity: you've either got it or not, and once you lose it it's gone forever.

 

By all means, treat your lady with respect and love. At the same time, keep your stones intact. No woman wants an emasculated man, and by being too open with feelings that will emasculate you in her eyes.

 

I'm gonna run and hide in a ditch now because I have no doubt that some - not all - of the women on this board are gonna start hurling hand grenades in my direction.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm gonna run and hide in a ditch now because I have no doubt that some - not all - of the women on this board are gonna start hurling hand grenades in my direction.

 

Got your back, Thadd, because you're absolutely right. Even though I'm often an inveterate smartass, both here and IRL, I've been more emotionally raw and honest on this board than IRL. But I'm not trying to get laid here either.

[runnergal]

Ok..Thaddeus, hang up the phone!!! You are not in the conversation anymore! HAHAHAHA

 

Now from a female's perspective, which is what you asked for. I can't speak for EVERY woman BUT I can say that majority of women will agree. Women truly want what you are offering. We want a man who is genuine, sweet (not overly), respectful, loving, gentle (but yet masculine), caring, consistent, humble, compassionate AND of course, sensual. What you refer to as "bad boy", I refer to as a JERK! Yes, I agree that women tend to be attracted to the jerks because it's the thrill of the chase for us. But once we have the jerk and he's still a jerk, we don't want him because we get tired of the ***t. We may appear on the outside to be more attracted to the "jerk", but deep down we want the "genuine" guy. Jerk=temporary, Genuine=long term. We are also attracted to the jerks because they have something that we want to "fix". Although, we know deep down inside we can't fix them, it's our maternal instincts kick in to fix them. It's like when we're little, there's a little boy and little girl. The little boy pulls the head off of a Barbie doll, what does the little girl do?? She FIXES the Barbie doll. It's just "born" into us females to fix things.

 

Having said that, we want the genuine MAN BUT we also want that man to be a MAN and take leadership in the relationship. Not in a controlling way BUT in a supportive manner. We want the man to help guide us and take care of us. Be the "bread winner" in more ways than one. Yes, there are MANY cases where the female makes a bigger paycheck than the man BUT it's the mentality of the man that gives him the leadership role. The minister at my church, before it became a BIG church, made NOTHING but his wife is a doctor, well you see where I'm going with that. Although, she brought home the ONLY income he WAS and IS still the leader in the house. BTW, he has a great income now that the church as grown so HUGE and she has temporarily resigned as a doctor to be a full time mother to their baby girl.

 

There is a balance in a relationship. You and she, as a couple, have to find that balance and have a mutual respect for each other. But if you don't tame those ugly little "jerk" thoughts, that's what will actually make her run!!!!! Good luck to you in your relationship! Hope that all turns out well!

[fishtaco]

Haha, runnergal said the exact same thing Thaddeus did. Except she did it in female language and Thaddeus did it in male language.

 

"sweet (not overly)", "gentle (but yet masculine)", and all that "BUT's" in her post.

 

How do you be sweet but not too sweet, gentle but not too gentle, be something but at the same time be the opposite? You show your "nice" side sparingly. Like Thaddeus said. Borrowing cliche racial harmony terms, it's not a melting pot -- your bad boy and nice vulnerable side shouldn't combine together to form a brown sludge; instead keep it as a bowl of salad.

 

It's a balancing act. Women change ALL THE TIME. One minute you need to be sweet, the next minute the exact same sweetness becomes overkill. Using some hyperbole, women like men that are capable of both evil and good.

 

My theory anyway. Use your own judgment.

[bac]

The question I have is this. Can a woman remain happy in a relationship with a man, when they know that their man truly adores them completely? I will never be one to be walked on, but having opened up so much, I feel pretty vulnerable, and I suppose a few fears have reared up and they are screwing with me. Have I shared too much with her? Do women remain faithful to men that they know really do love them? Can that stand the test of time? Do women really want to be treated well? When she realizes how much I care for her, will that cause her to stray?

 

All that you are doing is perfectly fine with females.

I believe all women think this way.

 

I personally have dreamed to meet a guy like this all my life but it has never happened to me.

[boogieboy]

OK LFM, Im backing up Thaddeus and GT here...

 

Runnersgal mentioned this and it and it is pertinent. Women want to "Fix"....fix is the bad way to go about it, but what you should do is not to open up your heart completely and wear it on your sleeve, but to give her little peeks to it once in a while. She wants to work for it, there is the challenge. Thats why some women want to tame the bad boy, they want to see if they can win his heart, and once they do, well challenge over.

 

So you have to balance it, keep her wanting more. You can be sweet, genuine, honest once in a while. Almost like doing half of your bad boy act. You may want to lay it all out now, but dont do that otherwise she wont have anything to work for.

 

One would say to talk to her about that, but problem is, if you mention it, she might lose interest, and you might not know if she is that kind of person yet, or you might be blind in love.

 

So show your heart, very sparingly, thats all.

[silverfish]

I am kind of intrigued by your history. You stayed in a relationship for too long,you have a child - what was the reason it ended - did you end it and what were the circumstances?

 

You describe both yourself and your new g/f as assertive.Do you think her assertiveness could be an issue ? Have you experienced an assertive woman in the past?

 

You also describe your g/f as 'sweet and caring'. I don't understand how this is a good thing in a woman and a bad thing in a man (according to you later in your post you seem to think this is a bad thing? - damn still can't do that quote thing)

 

''I will never again betray myself again in my life by hiding the true person that I am''

 

How did you betray yourself before? How long is it since your last relationship ended?

 

''In the past, I had always felt that women prefer to be treated like crap in the long run, stepped on, and shut out.....and they come back for more and more and more....''

 

I put up with this sort of behaviour for a long time from a man (only one). I really want to believe still he didn't consciously decide to behave like this out of some kind of 'that's what real men do' thing. How have you dealt with this?

 

I may be playing devil's adcocate here but how do your old life (ex/child/etc) and your new one co exist happily together. Only because I have seen my ex do this whole 'turned over a new leaf' thing, and re- invent himself, while I have the children, the responsibilities. I evolved...to the point I could appreciate a man with the qualities you profess to have. I would have doubts though, even from reading what you just wrote.

[carhill]

Hard question: Did the former bad boy turned sensitive male in a bad marriage cheat on his wife?

 

How long has the ink on the divorce papers been dry?

[Lookingformore]

First, I'd like to thank everyone for the replies thus far....I appreciate all of the input.

 

 

I am kind of intrigued by your history. You stayed in a relationship for too long,you have a child - what was the reason it ended - did you end it and what were the circumstances?

There was no "final" reason that it ended. Truth be told, we never got along, and love was not at the center of that relationship. Being a bad boy was what was at the core of that relationship (sex) in the beginning, and after the luster faded, there was a shell of a relationship that never really was. We were young and immature, and she became pregnant. "Doing the right thing" is why we got married. We ended it amicably, and still can communicate today.

 

You describe both yourself and your new g/f as assertive.Do you think her assertiveness could be an issue ? Have you experienced an assertive woman in the past?

 

Yes we are both assertive, and strong personalities, yet respectful of one another. I find her assertive nature to be quite sexy to be honest, and it has not posed any issue at all yet. Communication has been great, although I am sure a breakdown in that would be disastrous for us.

 

You also describe your g/f as 'sweet and caring'. I don't understand how this is a good thing in a woman and a bad thing in a man (according to you later in your post you seem to think this is a bad thing? - damn still can't do that quote thing) -It is not a bad thing in a man in my eyes, although it may go a little against the grain in terms of what men typically do and show. That is why I was asking.

 

''I will never again betray myself again in my life by hiding the true person that I am''

 

How did you betray yourself before? How long is it since your last relationship ended? I betrayed myself before, by hiding behind a macho image, and not letting my true colors shine through. That, coupled with my negative outlook on relationships, caused me to be in more "meaningless" relationships that really never would bare any real fruit to speak of. Hence the divorce.

 

 

''In the past, I had always felt that women prefer to be treated like crap in the long run, stepped on, and shut out.....and they come back for more and more and more....''

 

I put up with this sort of behaviour for a long time from a man (only one). I really want to believe still he didn't consciously decide to behave like this out of some kind of 'that's what real men do' thing. How have you dealt with this?

I cannot speak for him, but I did make a conscious decision to behave in that manner. It is the mentality of, you can't get hurt if you don't really put your heart out there type of thing. As far as "dealing" with it, I simply decided that I didn't want to live my life in that manner anymore, and I would rather be in no relationship, than one built on the wrong things....or for shallow purposes. We can only change our futures, not modify our past.

 

I may be playing devil's adcocate here but how do your old life (ex/child/etc) and your new one co exist happily together. Only because I have seen my ex do this whole 'turned over a new leaf' thing, and re- invent himself, while I have the children, the responsibilities. I evolved...to the point I could appreciate a man with the qualities you profess to have. I would have doubts though, even from reading what you just wrote.

 

My ex and I get along well enough, and it is much better from where we are at now (not being together). As far as my kid, she is my sunshine, and I speak with her on a daily basis at the very least...she is a very big part of my life. I sent money to my ex long before the divorce was final to help her with my child...she is a good mother...I wasn't about to fight a custody battle just to spite her just because we had a failed marriage. It takes 2 to succeed, and 2 to fail.

[Lookingformore]

Hard question: Did the former bad boy turned sensitive male in a bad marriage cheat on his wife?

 

How long has the ink on the divorce papers been dry?

 

 

Infidelity was not the cause of the failed marriage, nor the reason for divorce. It was amicable, and it has been a year. Fact is, I've always been a "sensitive male", I just kept that part of me under lock and key. In the end.....I feel that only served to cheat myself, and any partner that I'd ever be with by continuing with the methods I had always employed.

 

 

 

Please keep the comments coming. Thanks again to all.

[carhill]

In the year since your divorce was final, how many women have you been with romantically prior to meeting this woman? How did those interactions go? How would you characterize your behavior?

 

What's your ladyfriend's romantic history? Married? LTR's?

 

From my marriage experience, I can say that the main issue is respect. Compatibility drives respect. If your behaviors and perspective mesh with your partner's, she'll respect you and love you and ride the waves of variation that inevitably come with experiencing life together. Like the old saying, we make plans and then life happens. If she loses respect for you, regardless of any particular behavior or perspective, loss of love isn't far behind.

 

Since you're still young, with a marriage and child in your past/present, I'd counsel taking my time here. You already have a family. No rush

[Island Girl]

Here's what you're likely to hear from the good women of LS:

 

Be true to yourself, open up your heart, be honest, be caring, be genuine, vulnerable, etc. etc.

 

This is true but there is a fine line with this.

And opening up this way should be a progression - not immediate.

 

 

Women tend to be attracted to power. Sometimes - often - that means the "strong silent type."

 

That doesn't mean that you should never share your feelings, but it does mean that you need to do it sparingly. Too much, or a "blurt," will result in her losing respect for you as a man.

 

True -- but wouldn't a woman gushing all over the place early on be a turn off too?

 

And about the strong silent type - there is some truth to that and showing is better than talking.

My husband doesn't run on at the mouth with his feelings and devotion to me all the time. He does find ways to show he thinks about me and treats me "special".

 

By all means, treat your lady with respect and love. At the same time, keep your stones intact. No woman wants an emasculated man, and by being too open with feelings that will emasculate you in her eyes.

 

Oh so so so true.

[Lookingformore]

I would like to clarify a few things. Firstly, I don't consider being emotionally open, being a crybaby pansy ass that needs hugs and attention constantly. I will never effeminate myself for any woman no matter what. I understand that we men are different than women, and I have always been, and will always be a masculine type male. I am just speaking of crossing into the territory of actual sharing of emotion. I do like the "mixed salad" reference, because that is probably closest to what I find true for me. But I refuse to play games to keep appearances up for anyone.....or to keep a relationship intact. I would rather be alone, than live in such a way that I had to act a certain way to ensure a steady supply of ass. God gave me 2 good hands, and I know how to use them. I believe that a man and a woman are meant to share something very special together, and of course there are boundaries, but that does not mean that the relationship has to be like a chess game.....because in the end.....somebody has to lose.

[Island Girl]

I would like to clarify a few things. Firstly, I don't consider being emotionally open, being a crybaby pansy ass that needs hugs and attention constantly. I will never effeminate myself for any woman no matter what. I understand that we men are different than women, and I have always been, and will always be a masculine type male. I am just speaking of crossing into the territory of actual sharing of emotion. I do like the "mixed salad" reference, because that is probably closest to what I find true for me. But I refuse to play games to keep appearances up for anyone.....or to keep a relationship intact. I would rather be alone, than live in such a way that I had to act a certain way to ensure a steady supply of ass.

 

You'll be just fine -- and you have nothing to worry about.

 

Move along at a pace that is comfortable to you, say what you feel when you feel like saying it. Just from this post I can tell you have no doormat problems and no machismo problems.

 

This girl is a very lucky lady.

[Lookingformore]

In the year since your divorce was final, how many women have you been with romantically prior to meeting this woman? How did those interactions go? How would you characterize your behavior?

Numerous dates, probably 15? No woman that really captured my interest. Had no sex because most women I dated were superficial, and seeing right through their facade disgusted me. I am not into meaningless sex, although I've had plenty opportunity for it.

What's your ladyfriend's romantic history? Married? LTR's?

 

Married 1 time.

 

From my marriage experience, I can say that the main issue is respect. Compatibility drives respect. If your behaviors and perspective mesh with your partner's, she'll respect you and love you and ride the waves of variation that inevitably come with experiencing life together. Like the old saying, we make plans and then life happens. If she loses respect for you, regardless of any particular behavior or perspective, loss of love isn't far behind.

 

This is why I replied to this post. Respect is the lifeblood of just about every relationship we have in our lives, whether it be friendship, or romantic....although I think a strong friendship is at the core of every good romance. I don't believe we can "plan" our love lives...we can only put what we have into them....there are no guarantees. I guess it is just a little unnerving to me to be raw.....I feel it is what is right...and I plan on continuing on that path....or if it proves fatal....finding other fulfillment in life outside of any romantic bond.

 

Since you're still young, with a marriage and child in your past/present, I'd counsel taking my time here. You already have a family. No rush

In the year since your divorce was final, how many women have you been with romantically prior to meeting this woman? How did those interactions go? How would you characterize your behavior?

 

What's your ladyfriend's romantic history? Married? LTR's?

 

From my marriage experience, I can say that the main issue is respect. Compatibility drives respect. If your behaviors and perspective mesh with your partner's, she'll respect you and love you and ride the waves of variation that inevitably come with experiencing life together. Like the old saying, we make plans and then life happens. If she loses respect for you, regardless of any particular behavior or perspective, loss of love isn't far behind.

 

Since you're still young, with a marriage and child in your past/present, I'd counsel taking my time here. You already have a family. No rush

I can assure you, that I am in no rush for anything. I am also not willing to sit in a relationship gone stale for the sake of it. I do not NEED a woman. I want to be with one that shares a common drive in all of this. I just don't know if one really exists. People say lots of things they don't mean....and by the way....I do not already have a family, I have a daughter, and yes, she is family....but not the way you implied.

 

 

It's late....I hope to see some more responses...I'm off to bed. Thanks to all that have contributed.

[Lookingformore]

I'm too tired to figure out what I just did to your post carhill....sorry....hope people can still ready it....I only clicked quote 1 time. Oh well.

[silverfish]

I was once what I suppose many would call a "bad boy", and in fact to this day, I am still adventurous, sometimes reckless, assertive, and confident, however, a few things have changed regarding this persona. While I held on to what I believe are positive traits of the "bad boy" mentality, I have also come to accept over the years, that I am also a caring, compassionate, romantic, honest, and overall pretty raw guy. I have never had trouble getting the attention of women, but that is not what this post is about.

 

I just wondered what it is you did to give yourself this 'bad boy' label? It doesn't sound like you were a 'bad boy' during your marriage or since the split.

 

 

While I have let her inside, in so many ways, I feel that a few nagging doubts from my "bad boy" days are rearing up and staring me in the face.

In the past, I had always felt that women prefer to be treated like crap in the long run, stepped on, and shut out.....and they come back for more and more and more....however, this is not what I want in life, and this is not the kind of relationship that I want to have, nor be a part of.

 

Where did you get this idea? Did you behave like this in the past or is it something you observed? No woman prefers to be treated like crap. Some put up with it, granted, but there are many other reasons why they put up with it - it's not as simple as 'they prefer to be treated like crap'

[Lookingformore]

I was once what I suppose many would call a "bad boy", and in fact to this day, I am still adventurous, sometimes reckless, assertive, and confident, however, a few things have changed regarding this persona. While I held on to what I believe are positive traits of the "bad boy" mentality, I have also come to accept over the years, that I am also a caring, compassionate, romantic, honest, and overall pretty raw guy. I have never had trouble getting the attention of women, but that is not what this post is about.

 

"I just wondered what it is you did to give yourself this 'bad boy' label? It doesn't sound like you were a 'bad boy' during your marriage or since the split."

 

I was that way prior to marriage, very much so, and I guess I was during the marriage only in the sense that I never really let her inside, and I know that I was not truly a giving man to her.....and you know what?? I ended it...she didn't leave me. The marriage was one of circumstance, and nothing more. Being a bad boy does not neccessarily make one a bad person, but it certainly can lead to fruitless relationships. Being that way gets easy ass....it flys at a guy who knows how to play his cards.....during the marriage I saw how much I really had to do with the way things were, and the fact that I was married to someone that I didn't love. I never wanted to be in anything remotely similar again....hence why I've not been that way since the split.

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I have let her inside, in so many ways, I feel that a few nagging doubts from my "bad boy" days are rearing up and staring me in the face.

In the past, I had always felt that women prefer to be treated like crap in the long run, stepped on, and shut out.....and they come back for more and more and more....however, this is not what I want in life, and this is not the kind of relationship that I want to have, nor be a part of.

 

Where did you get this idea? Did you behave like this in the past or is it something you observed? No woman prefers to be treated like crap. Some put up with it, granted, but there are many other reasons why they put up with it - it's not as simple as 'they prefer to be treated like crap'

 

I know there are many reasons why women put up with it, and I know it is a blanket message to state they like being treated like crap, but in short..... The less I put into a woman in the past, the more I acted like she mattered not.....the more whipped she would be. Perhaps you can explain that one.... Even in my marriage...it was the same. And before you quiz me any further, my view of treating a woman like crap does not include abuse of any kind. Just a lack of giving a damn about them, or at least letting them see it at all. It's really a pretty selfish way to be, and I'm done with it.

[Lookingformore]

You'll be just fine -- and you have nothing to worry about.

 

Move along at a pace that is comfortable to you, say what you feel when you feel like saying it. Just from this post I can tell you have no doormat problems and no machismo problems.

 

This girl is a very lucky lady.

 

 

Thank you Island Girl for the reassurance. Your words are comforting to me. This is new turf I'm treading on, but I think I may just be plodding along ok.

[silverfish]

Ok. You've answered all my questions and thanks for doing that because I was REALLY interested in your situation.

 

Maybe I can help answer why women put up with being treated like crap. I put up with it because the alternative - being a single parent - seemed worse at the time.

 

It has a lot to do with low self esteem, and lack of self respect. When someone you love treats you like this, you sometimes look at yourself and try and see what it is you are doing wrong. I tied myself in knots trying to make him happy.

 

What I would say to you is that now there is no way I would put with this again. In fact, I am very sensitive to any 'bad boy' behaviour now. Even if it is something relatively trivial compared to what I put up with in the past, I would run a mile if I thought there was any indication that I would have to go through that again.

 

All I would say is try and get over this past behaviour of yours because whether or not some women put up with it, fact is, if they do it's because they haven't learnt to set boundaries for themselves yet.

[Lookingformore]

I would like to add one final thought on this whole issue. A lot of men weren't always "bad boys". I wasn't when I first started dating and such many years ago. It's funny what getting burned a couple of times can do to a guy. I made a choice to never allow myself to be burned by another woman again, hence the formation of the "bad boy". Over the years, I realized that it was more of a protection mechanism to avoid being hurt, and therefore, it was driven by fear. I believe that when a boy becomes a man emotionally, he realizes that you have to be able to be hurt, in order to ever really let yourself love another person. If you have nothing invested, you stand to really gain nothing more than a partner....and sex, which in and of itself isn't really all that significant when put into the perspective of how fulfilling life can really be. I hope that it all pays off in the end....but to never have really tried, and to have never allowed myself to be vulnerable to another human being, and never even having a chance at something wonderful, because of choices that I make......is a worse fate than death itself to me.

 

One of my favorite quotes is "A coward will die many times before their death; The valiant never taste of death but once." I try to live my life in every aspect with that type of mindset.

 

I would like to thank each one of you for your time, and thoughtful posts, even the ones that I may not agree with in the slightest bit....I can see your points as well. I am glad I signed up on these forums.

[SoulSearch_CO]

My XH didn't really have feelings except when they served him. It was unnerving. I'd try to explain feelings to him that I was having and it was a completely blank look on his face. My mom posited that he may be a sociopath - devoid of any true feeling, but mirroring what he sees in other people to avoid detection. And you know what? Being in relationship with somebody like that makes it VERY hard for me to realize that men have feelings. I hadn't seen a real clear expression of such IME. That being the case, I've hurt people without intending to.

 

So while I will agree with Thadd a little bit - don't go all Sensitive Elliot on her. But at the same time, don't expect her to open up to you if you don't make the space safe for her to do so.