conehead Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I tell people that I was dumped, at least I feel like it since I was in such pain because of the breakup. But when people hear the details of the breakup, they said it seemed like it was very mutual, and that my ex is probably very hurt because he felt like I rejected him and couldn't give myself to him physically because I didnt think he was the one. I'm confused on the meaning of a mutual breakup. Was this a mutual breakup, or was I dumped like I thought I was ? Here is the link to my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199567/ But if you don't feel like clicking on it, the main details are below: "Me and my bf were having issues for the past few weeks, which was alot due to the fact that I wanted to stop the sexual acts (but we never had sex) we were doing and wait until marriage for it. We said we'd discuss it over this weekend. So finally the day came and Friday evening I flew in to his city to meet up with him in person (we have an LDR). That Friday night, we watched TV for a bit and then went to bed. In bed, he put his arm around me and then kissed me once very quickly. That was it. So I tried to kiss him a few times but he did not reciprocate. I didn't want sex, but I had told him before that I hope we can be fine with just cuddling and making out. He didn't seem too keen on making out, so we spend the night cuddling...but I felt something was off with him. Next morning, we had breakfast. I felt something was definitely wrong. He held my hand as we walked, but did it in a rough and not affectionate matter. Went back to his place, he seemed cold, was just laying in bed, staring into space. I asked him what he's thinking, he didnt' say anything, so I asked him again. He said he's thinking about us. I asked 'what about us?' He asked me 'well what do u think about us' and I said "i asked you first' and told him just to tell me. He said the dreadful words 'I feel like we haven't grown much the past few months." It was like a stab to the heart. I didn't say anything for like 2 minutes. He then asked me what I was thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say to that.' I remained silent for a bit longer. He asked me again what I'm thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say, that's just it." He said 'what do you mean that's it.' I said 'that's it!'. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then i picked up his laptop and rescheduled my flight to go home that very hour. He told me 'im sorry conehead.' My change in flight had a fare increase of $75, and he paid for it. Then he took me to the airport, asked me if i was ok which i said yes i am, then he hugged me and told me to take care. I felt ok the whole time and walked through security, then I called my mom to tell her. The moment I told my mom we broke up, I just broke down in tears. I spent the whole saturaday crying off and on. Eventhough I knew the consequences of my decision to wait until marriage for sex, and I saw this break up coming, it is still harder than I could have imagined." Some said it was mutual, and some said it almost seemed like I dumped him because I just said 'that's it', didn't want to discuss it, and just gave up. Which I did, I felt sick of the way he was acting like he had this huge grudge on me the whole time and didn't feel like he was worth it anymore. I didn't even want to talk about it to somehow save the relationship eventhough he asked me 'what do u mean that's it'. I just said 'that's it' in return because I can't take it anymore. But at the same time, I feel like I was dumped. I feel hurt .
northstar1 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I tell people that I was dumped, at least I feel like it since I was in such pain because of the breakup. But when people hear the details of the breakup, they said it seemed like it was very mutual, and that my ex is probably very hurt because he felt like I rejected him and couldn't give myself to him physically because I didnt think he was the one. I'm confused on the meaning of a mutual breakup. Was this a mutual breakup, or was I dumped like I thought I was ? Here is the link to my original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199567/ But if you don't feel like clicking on it, the main details are below: "Me and my bf were having issues for the past few weeks, which was alot due to the fact that I wanted to stop the sexual acts (but we never had sex) we were doing and wait until marriage for it. We said we'd discuss it over this weekend. So finally the day came and Friday evening I flew in to his city to meet up with him in person (we have an LDR). That Friday night, we watched TV for a bit and then went to bed. In bed, he put his arm around me and then kissed me once very quickly. That was it. So I tried to kiss him a few times but he did not reciprocate. I didn't want sex, but I had told him before that I hope we can be fine with just cuddling and making out. He didn't seem too keen on making out, so we spend the night cuddling...but I felt something was off with him. Next morning, we had breakfast. I felt something was definitely wrong. He held my hand as we walked, but did it in a rough and not affectionate matter. Went back to his place, he seemed cold, was just laying in bed, staring into space. I asked him what he's thinking, he didnt' say anything, so I asked him again. He said he's thinking about us. I asked 'what about us?' He asked me 'well what do u think about us' and I said "i asked you first' and told him just to tell me. He said the dreadful words 'I feel like we haven't grown much the past few months." It was like a stab to the heart. I didn't say anything for like 2 minutes. He then asked me what I was thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say to that.' I remained silent for a bit longer. He asked me again what I'm thinking. I said 'there's nothing to say, that's just it." He said 'what do you mean that's it.' I said 'that's it!'. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then i picked up his laptop and rescheduled my flight to go home that very hour. He told me 'im sorry conehead.' My change in flight had a fare increase of $75, and he paid for it. Then he took me to the airport, asked me if i was ok which i said yes i am, then he hugged me and told me to take care. I felt ok the whole time and walked through security, then I called my mom to tell her. The moment I told my mom we broke up, I just broke down in tears. I spent the whole saturaday crying off and on. Eventhough I knew the consequences of my decision to wait until marriage for sex, and I saw this break up coming, it is still harder than I could have imagined." Some said it was mutual, and some said it almost seemed like I dumped him because I just said 'that's it', didn't want to discuss it, and just gave up. Which I did, I felt sick of the way he was acting like he had this huge grudge on me the whole time and didn't feel like he was worth it anymore. I didn't even want to talk about it to somehow save the relationship eventhough he asked me 'what do u mean that's it'. I just said 'that's it' in return because I can't take it anymore. But at the same time, I feel like I was dumped. I feel hurt . Rarely are breakups mutual, despite people insisting as such. It's like an employer firing someone, but being tactful enough to let the employee 'voluntarily resign" first. If it's worth much, it appears you'd had enough and closed down things. Regardless of it it appears mutual or it was more one sided and in the end it doesn't change what you need to do to heal yourself and move on.
Author conehead Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Rarely are breakups mutual, despite people insisting as such. It's like an employer firing someone, but being tactful enough to let the employee 'voluntarily resign" first. If it's worth much, it appears you'd had enough and closed down things. Regardless of it it appears mutual or it was more one sided and in the end it doesn't change what you need to do to heal yourself and move on. I agree, I think either one side always feels more bitter, etc. In this case with me and my bf, I don't know who is the more bitter one. I mean I feel bitter because I think he either stopped loving me or loved me less because I don't want the physical stuff. And perhaps he feels bitter because I won't be physical with him and he feel like I used him or that I don't really love him enough to want to give myself to him. Do you think he feels as heartbroken as I do right now? I hate to say this, because it sounds vengeful, but in a way I hope he feels heartbroken too. I guess I just don't want to be the only one with the pain
northstar1 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I agree, I think either one side always feels more bitter, etc. In this case with me and my bf, I don't know who is the more bitter one. I mean I feel bitter because I think he either stopped loving me or loved me less because I don't want the physical stuff. And perhaps he feels bitter because I won't be physical with him and he feel like I used him or that I don't really love him enough to want to give myself to him. Do you think he feels as heartbroken as I do right now? I hate to say this, because it sounds vengeful, but in a way I hope he feels heartbroken too. I guess I just don't want to be the only one with the pain If he spent time with you and enjoyed your company, that I'm sure he feels the loss. How much so is anyone's guess. Just don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it, because truth be told, you will likely never know.
Author conehead Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 At the time, I did feel like I've had enough of things, and gave up. But now after 2 weeks NC, I feel a bit of regret over how we broke up. I guess I wished I'd discuss it with him more instead of just saying 'that's it'. I've been having thoughts lately of calling him to tell him how I feel. But I also fear rejection. I dunno what to do . And I guess I also want to find out who's the actual dumper in this situation, since I always think the dumper is the one who should initiate contact if there are thoughts of reconciliation. But I'm confused as to whether I should break NC because I don't know if I was the dumper or the dumpee.
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