4givrnt4gtr Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Ive been through a few break ups and I dont think ive ever felt like i feel now. I remember feeling distraught, hopeless, anguished even. I usually cant stop crying and barely able to get up and do what I have to do. The feeling is usually very raw, like its on the surface and crying make it feel better, it touches it and gets to it kind of (am i making sense?) this time is different. I dont feel any anguish, and as long as I dont have any thoughts going on, I dont feel like crying. Im feeling extremely sad though, but not the crying oh my god I cant live without him sad. Its more of a very very deep sadness, so deep that tears cant get to it. It kind of feels like a depressive acceptance. Its like i told myself, this is how it is, and how its going to be no matter what i do. Crying wont fix it, so might as well resigned to my lot in life. Its really really weird and scares me. I am being very social despite my really really strong desire to hide and be alone. Again its like im telling myself that it wont fix anything, whether I go out or stay home I will always be empty so might as well do what i have to do for the sake of others. Another strange thing is that I havent told anyone about the break up. I mean i usually run to my friends and cry to them. I have not told anyone that didnt need to know. My boss knows cuz she saw me and asked me if i was alright. She is super awesome and we usually talk about this stuff. She was very sympathetic. I told my sister because...i dont know. I never tell her stuff but she asked about him. Thats it. noone else knows. or at least not the people i would usually tell. I think im afraid that if i tell people it will be real. Maybe thats it. I think im still in a haze. I still dont feel like its real, but if i tell someone, like my mom or my friends then I have to really face it. This is so weird. Has anyone felt like this before? if so what happens after it? or rather what comes after this weird deep sadness?
Beeotch Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I feel like as a defense mechanism you may be repressing your emotions... I do not think that is a good idea..and I can tell based on your post that you can tell it isn't either. Tell your friends, get it out, admit to it...ONLY THEN can you truly move forward.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 It could be....though I know i WANT to feel anger, I WANT to cry I want scream actually. Maybe im just feeling so much at the same time and its so overwhelming that Im paralized. I hate how rational Im being about the whole thing. I mean Im really f*cking angry. I know I am. Im angry that I allow myself to be so stupidly hopeful, I gave him so much benefit of the doubt. Even after we broke up for a few days at the begining i KNEW he was going to do this eventually. Long story short my ex asked me out in October of last year knowing he would be moving by August of this year. I asked him if he was thinking about a long distance relationship once he moved and he said that if things felt right then yet. THree months later he flipped out when he saw his exgirlfriend (whom I knew I was the rebound for but didnt want to believe it) and said that once he moved and started school he wanted to be single. I didnt accept being a fling so I broke up with him despite already being falling for him. a day later he called, said he thought about it and didnt want to lose me. that he was willing to do long distance until i was able to move to his city. I believed him and we got back together. In the back of my mind i KNEW he had said that just because he didnt want to be alone. I knew he liked my company and we always have a great time together. But I knew that once the time came, he might try for a few weeks just so I couldnt say he lied, but then would say it was too hard and break it off. Yet, again I didnt want to believe he was like that. I blamed it on me being insecured. Well, lo and behold, 6 months later he moves. I go visit him twice in the first month, and after that he says he's oh so busy. The distance is so hard. This that and the other. I ask him if he wants to break up, he says no but wanted me to know how he was feeling (preparing the road? ofcourse). We talked later on the phone and he continued saying it was too hard, his school was his only priority, and ultimately, he had wanted to loved me by the time he moved, but he hadnt been able to and didnt know how we were gonna keep on growing together when we were so far apart. I asked him why he couldnt love me and he said he didnt know. He had tried everything and just couldnt let himself love me. At that point i knew everything was lost. The difficulty of the distance was one thing. Not being able to love me was a whole nother issue and we could talk til the cows come home, but you cant force anyone to love. I told him so. I told him there was nothing either one of us could do if he just didnt feel it. For some reason I just wasnt what he truly wanted despite how comfortable and how fun it was to be with me. He agreed. I said that maybe we should just move on before we drag it out even longer and we start getting resentful. He agreed So that was it. It took 4 weeks, and he already felt a strain. I just think he knew he couldnt do it to begin with but told me what I wanted to hear so I stayed until he didnt need me anymore. He said he felt bad cuz i helped him out so much when he needed it. I felt bad too. I feel used and dispossed of. Yet i feel so calm about it Its so so so scary Even writing this.... Im not even crying....but i do feel a very deep deep emptiness and physicially feels like a combination of nausea and not bein able to breath. I truly feel like a zombie. I think im afraid to let go and not being able to put myself back together. That and I think I unconsciously accepted the fact that I just cannot be loved. There is something about me that is unlovable and I just cant figure out what it is. I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend. I stood by him when he had nothing. And I mean literally nothing. I gave him rides to and from work when he sold his car so he could pay rent. I paid for his food, I fixed his entrance essay so he could get into the program he is in right now. I even let him borrowed $500 so he could secure his spot (which he is supposed to pay me back today). We always had a great time when we went out. When he took me out once he was back on his feet I always made sure he knew I appreciated it. We hardly ever fought and when we did we always fixed everything calmly (with two exceptions but whatever). I guess I just came to the calm and depressing realization that its not what I did or didnt do. Its who I am and I cant change that, so might as well accept the fact. (the whole idea goes way back before even this guy...so its not just about him) maybe thats why I just feels so empty and profoundly sad. It so so so scary
mickleb Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 No, no, no, no, NO! You are NOT unloveable. You are depressed. You feel stupid because you saw it coming and went with it, regardless. You remind me of me a few years back. When they were unable to give or commit, I thought 'its me - I'm just not enough'. Fast forward 6 years of therapy, my dream job in my pocket and (most of) the life I have always wanted, I can see that it is HIM that has the problem. Yes, I should have seen it coming, too and it's not good that I've just found myself here, again but I am finally able to see it for what it was. I allowed some of it to happen but HE lied, stuck his head in the sand, promised me again and again that he was commited to me, when, actually, he was terrified. Poooughf. Whatever, I can look and learn for next time. My self-esteem has held together pretty well. This last relationship has battered your self-esteem. You will need to put yourself together. You may well NOT need 6 years of therapy but the book 'The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection' will be a good place to start. Do talk to you friends. Do things that make you feel better (not booze, etc, but productive things). Do your favourite things. Make yourself all cozy. But, in between, do the work you need to do. Talk to you doctor if you want to but try others first. You'll be okay. You're looking for answers so you'll find them. Take care. xx
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