pruh74 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I really don't know if some would consider this cheating or not but I definitely feel it was a breach of trust. My husband and I separated April 25th of this year. We got back together 9 days later and he swore up and down that he wasn't talking to or meeting anyone. Come to find out, from emails and the cell phone records, that he was keeping company with a younger girl, a bartender from the neighborhood bar. I asked if anything physical happened and he again told me no. Well, 3 months later I find out that he spent the night on her bedroom floor, less than 24 hours after I left on the 25th, because he was too drunk to drive home, they shared a kiss later that week, just one and it wasn't a makeout session (he says) and she's been in my house. I'm absolutely devastated. I can't get this out of my head. Come to find out he got her number weeks before I left, he says for his friend... he says he was just being a good wingman. He claims he didn't start contacting her until after I left. Tell me this... who lets an almost complete stranger into their apartment with their children, who is plainly drunk and let's him sleep "on the floor" after talking for less than one day? I may be young but I wasn't born yesterday. The thing is I don't really know what's upsetting me right now. Did he cheat? I don't know... we were not together but c'mon, less than 24 hours after your wife leaves you and you claim you did nothing but pine away for her while she was gone and you're at another girl's house getting wasted. He claims he did nothing but talk about me to her the entire time I was gone, sometimes at 4 in the morning, except the night he kissed her obviously. What really gets me though is the night he kissed her. We were talking about reconciling earlier that day. We were emailing and things were going well and all of a sudden, nope you can't come over. Don't even try I won't be there. And then come to find out that was the night he kissed her. At one point during our time apart he accused me of cheating on him. (Haven't ever, will never) I know that was his guilty conscious talking because it was after he kissed her. Now I can't focus on anything but getting the next cell phone bill so I can check it for hers or any other strange numbers. He guards his cell and gets upset if I try to look at it but I've caught him going through mine before. And to top it all off, he's still playing wingman for his friend. His friend doesn't have the internet so he contacts girls from Craigs List ads and gives them his friends contact info. I have seen those emails and they are benign but I've explained to him that when he does that, he's giving them his contact info as well. He uses his work computer, which I don't have access to, to do all this but he's got everything connected to his blackberry so I can sometimes see it. The one time he let me go through his phone lasted about 10 minutes. He got agitated, said I was spending too much time on it and started a fight. Oh and his favorite line everytime I point out something that he shouldn't have done or is still doing is... you shouldn't have left me. True but he's the one who, as he was pining away for me and dying inside because I was gone, was with someone else less than 24 hours later. So now I feel betrayed for what happened while I was gone and I've felt cheated on the last 5 months we've been back together. Lately (last 3-4 weeks) he's been spending hours away from the house almost every day. Which is very out of character for him. He's normally a homebody and used to get upset at me if I had to work late or wanted to have a girls night. I like that he has guys' nights, he needs that male bonding time, but 5-6 nights a week is a little much. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just trying to put this into perspective. Any advice, perspective, thoughts you can give are greatly appreciated. Thank you, Oh and I also should add that I trust him about as far as I can throw him right now... which isn't very far... he's a big boy. Pru
Author pruh74 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Wow, I've been reading so many posts that have such similar experiences. I'm beginning to see a pattern in my H's behavior. Why can't they just be f***ing honest? He says he lied because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Bullsh*t. He lied to save his own a$$.
65tr6 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Did he cheat? YES Separated but still married to you. Your husband is lying. How long have you been married together ? Do you have any kids ? Lately (last 3-4 weeks) he's been spending hours away from the house almost every day. Which is very out of character for him. Correction. He has become an alien. You need to snoop. Investigate. Find out everything you can. Track numbers on his cell phone ? Can you hire a PI ? Can you follow him ? he's a big boy. ...and a coward.
Author pruh74 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 65tr6 - Thank you so much for responding. And thank you for your answer. I've always felt it was an affair but have been told by H that if I hadn't left, nothing would have ever happened. We've known each other for 12 years, married for almost 3 years. I have a child from a previous marriage and we have one on the way. I'm somewhat computer savvy so I've gleaned everything from the computer that I can. He's careful to only use his work computer now and the only way I can find things there is if he forgets to delete it off his blackberry. So far he's been fairly good about deleting. I traced numbers off the phone records when I got back to find out about this latest EA with the bartender. Unfortunately our cell carrier doesn't update call logs except once a month so I have to wait another 4 days for this months bill. I've thought about following him in the past but the thought honestly scares the crap out of me. I want to so bad. Hiring a PI is out. Way too much money. He told me he has had no contact with the bartender since the day I came back home. I verified with the cell records *but* these didn't include text records... until this next bill comes out. So I'm on pins and needles waiting for it now. Hoping nothings on it but knowing something probably will be. I'm the eternal optomist... He had an EA and beginning PA 1 year when we were physically separated but going to MC and still seeing each other. He finally came clean about 2 months ago when I confronted the OW, xfriend, and she confirmed what he didn't want to tell me. Finding this out while pregnant has not been good. This is my 7th pregnancy but I only have one other child. I've had 4 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy so i'm considered high risk. Thank you for the affirmation I've needed so long. My H claims he did nothing wrong because it would have never happened if I hadn't left and I should be over all of this by now.
Author pruh74 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 I went to the cell phone store to print out the bills for the last 5 months that have the text logs included. I didn't think I'd ever have to take it this far so I never thought to include the text detail before. I literally broke down in the middle of US Cellular reading what I already suspected. He's been lying to me for the last 5 months. Looked me straight in the face and flat out lied. He was texting the bartender 2 weeks before I left. Almost every day and he was texting her after I came back. After HE called me and asked me to come home because he missed me too d*mn much, he was still texting her. I asked him when the last time they talked was and he said the day I came back home. He was still texting her two weeks later. I'm going to be sick.
Author pruh74 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I confronted him with the proof I finally got. The proof he even told me to get and he was pissed that I went "digging around". Not an apology. No I'm sorry. He was texting both of us at the same time some nights. God what I wouldn't give to see what was actually being said. He actually had the nerve to tell me that since he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore that he had the right to talk to her. He started texting her the day before his birthday. I didn't leave until 2 weeks later. I'm so hurt right now it's not even funny. Why couldn't he just tell me the truth? I know why he did it. Because he was feeling lonely and neglected. I was working a lot at that time. That still gave him no right to be selfish like that. He tried to hide her from me. Tell me, who does that if it's perfectly innocent? No one. He knew what he was doing when he was texting her and not telling me about it.
Anahata Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Yup, I learned the hard way that when they act suscpicious of what you're doing, try to snoop into what you're doing, it's b/c they have a guilty conscience of what they're doing, or are looking for something to point at to justify their behavior or an excuse for an out. I too know that feeling of looking at the texting records to find that he's been lying for months about being in contact with ex-girlfriends, OW, etc. Then he had the B@LLS to say he was cheating b/c I was snooping and he felt emotionally abused. He has since set a password on his Blackberry b/c he noticed his web history was different after I had been finding the truth of what had happened months before for myself. I also figured out a pattern of receiving multiple texts from him after he had been in contact with one of his "ladies," which I believe is his way of clearing out the blackberry memory of texts or at least bumping the evidence further down the page since it only holds the last 25-50 or so by default. It's not your fault. He's cheating b/c he's a cheater - it's what they do. You now know he's cheating and lying about not cheating. How much more "evidence" do you need to see? Is there really any point to following him and hurting yourself further when you see what you know you're going to find? I'm writing this as much for myself as you since I am guilty of still compulsively continuing to snoop to figure out what exactly is going on that he's hiding, won't talk about, is making him a sneaky suspicious jerk. I'm currently out of work and deciding if I should just go through with asking for a divorce now, or waiting until I have a job and can support myself again before I throw him out.
Athena Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Pruh, I was guessing that you left because of his starting this thing with the bartender.... just that you didn't know it at the time... so for your H to now blame you for leaving, when it was no doubt his emotional distancing himself from you at the time that helped you leave, is unbelievable.
Author pruh74 Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Athena - Yes, that's exactly why I left. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew something was going on. And the worst part is... this is my second marriage. My first husband did the exact same thing to me 5 years ago. Only I didn't know it until after he'd moved me and his child out of his house. And my new husband knew this. How do you move forward when they can't even give you a sincere apology? Oh but get this. The day I confronted him he was in the bathtub. I thought it would be the best time because he would be relaxed. When I pointed out all the lies, in black and white type no less, he basically laughed in my face. So I took his phone and dropped it in the tub. Unfortunately, it still works. But he actually expected an apology from me instead of trying to truly apologize for something far more heinous then getting his phone wet.
missysv Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 LOL about dropping his phone in the tub! Good one! How can he deny it when he can see the proof for himself? How stupid do these cheaters think we are? We can't read or what? Our situations sound so similiar it is almost scary. I hate it that someone else feels the way I do right now! It's an awful feeling knowing your spouse is lying! I updated about my weekend and what I found out....ggggrrrr
65tr6 Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 How do you move forward when they can't even give you a sincere apology? Oh but get this. pruh, you want more than an apology. You want him to confess everything, stop all the affairs and recommitt to the marriage. You know that. Nothing is going to change unless you toughen up. He continues to insult you, lie to you, disrespect you. (i am sorry but you already know all this). How long are you willing to put up with this ? What is that you want to do ? Can you support yourself financially and still take care of the kids ? Do you love your husband ?
Author pruh74 Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 65tr6 - Do I love him? I'm so mad right now the love is buried really deep. I do love him but without trust or respect there's not much left. Can I support myself? Yes. Yes I want him to confess everything. Not 3 hours ago I find out about ANOTHER girl that he was texting not 5 minutes before I came back home and we reconciled. And I'M the one who gets cussed at, yelled at for saying I don't believe him anymore. He sat there and tried to tell me he barely texted her and it was all her sending him jokes!!! He texted her 50 freakin times the day I came home. The last one was 5 minutes before I walked through the door! He says he's sorry in one breath and then turns around and blames me in the next. I just want a sincere apology and my questions answered truthfully!! He says I'm digging around in the past and I need to move forward. How the hell do I explain to him that I can't move on until I know what happened?? And believe me, I've tried. He thinks that because he's still here and hasn't talked to either of these girls in almost 4 months that I just need to drop it. But he's still holding a grudge from 2 YEARS AGO about a wallet. That's right. A wallet. I'm about to just say screw it and throw in the towel. After less than 3 years and having to be separated 5 times because of his issues... physical abuse, drugs and lying (Oh that's all my fault too, btw) I think it's time to just say goodbye.
KikiW Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Short answer, if he cares about you, he has one helluva way of showing it. Run, sweetheart. RUN FAST. And take every scrap of evidence you can find with you. Realize you will never get the full picture - he doesn't want to tell you and lies to your face even when confronted with proof, so don't bother. Assume it's a lot more than you know, and that he's a spineless bastard. RUN. And get yourself into counseling. You need a good consistant ear that can help you through this. LS is a great place to be, but I recommend getting some pro help too. It can't hurt.
JumpinJimmy Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Physical abuse and drug issues? The pieces of the puzzle have fallen together. It's a miracle that you are still there. I am just amazed at the dedication and effort that most women go through to make their marriages work. Pruh, it is time to cut your losses, you deserve better.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 this isn't your fault and don't believe for a minute that it is. when abuse and drugs are involved nothing will ever make sense - no matter how hard you try to decipher things. it's designed that way for a reason - so he can continue with his antics... making you the brunt of all the nasty situations he creates. al anon would probably be a great support system for your situation. you will hear many similar stories as yours and find solutions and suggestions if you go - maybe even get a bit of your sanity back. also - you may want to google the words "gas lighting" seems this is his MO with you. he's a creep. personally, i would never settle for a friend much less my H disregarding and disrespecting me that way - that's not love. does he hold a job? how does he have so much time to correspond with all these gals?
mnm Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Sweetie sounds just like my story. You posted on my thread and just got around to reading yours. I went through the same bs that you are. I went digging, it was my fault, invading his privacy, I would demand answers, did not get them. I was blamed because I was having issues. He changed his cell number and still texted for a month after that!!!! When I found out it wasn't over, I threatened to leave. When I got the evidence, I did take off for a day then made him leave for a day. It was over by then. If I was stronger and had somewhere to go and more financially stable at the time it would have been longer. We've come a long way, but need to go further. Hang in there and know U HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CHECK HIS BELONGINGS!!! U ARE HIS WIFE AND THERE SHOULD NEVER BE SECRETS OR PRIVACY ISSUES EVER!!!!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Wow, I've been reading so many posts that have such similar experiences. I'm beginning to see a pattern in my H's behavior. Why can't they just be f***ing honest? He says he lied because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Bullsh*t. He lied to save his own a$$. It sounds like you left him. If you started a separation... it's perfectly within his rights to see someone else. If you didn't want him seeing other people... Why move out? Now that your back together, I can understand you being upset if he was talking to other women... now. However, if HE initiated the separation... what he did was 110% wrong, and I would suggest giving him the boot!
Athena Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 It sounds like you left him. If you started a separation... it's perfectly within his rights to see someone else. If you didn't want him seeing other people... Why move out? Now that your back together, I can understand you being upset if he was talking to other women... now. However, if HE initiated the separation... what he did was 110% wrong, and I would suggest giving him the boot! Hmm, I think what you may be missing is the significance of WHY she moved out... she intuitively knew he was behaving differently with her, becoming emotionally distant, had a gut feeling all was not well, but when she tried to confront him, get him to admit to the real problem, he denied it... instead of sitting around the house getting gaslighted some more, she picked up her dignity (and showed him some Consequences of his Lying) and moved out.... You would think this act would spur him into coming clean with her, or quitting his clandestine activities with other women, but it did not... now he had the perfect 'proof' that it was HER that moved out, not HIM, so therefore the fault with the relationship problems lay solely with her. Very clever, don't you think? He still got to do what he was doing, undetected at the time, while seemingly being above board in the marriage. OP has since discovered that three months before she found she had to leave, that her H had been conducting a secret relationship with OW... so... it's not really 'perfectly within his rights to see someone else' is it now? Not only was he STILL married, but he had set it up for his W to get fed up at his strange behavior, leave, and then carry on with the affair he was conducting, now having a 'reason' to have had the affair since she was out the house! Jeez.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Hmm, I think what you may be missing is the significance of WHY she moved out... she intuitively knew he was behaving differently with her, becoming emotionally distant, had a gut feeling all was not well, but when she tried to confront him, get him to admit to the real problem, he denied it... instead of sitting around the house getting gaslighted some more, she picked up her dignity (and showed him some Consequences of his Lying) and moved out..... Gut feelings are not sufficient to cause a separation. Remember separation = relationship termination. So, if she felt something was wrong, she needed to get some evidence... then confront him. It sounds like she may have no right to complain about what he did during the separated period.
Athena Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Gut feelings are not sufficient to cause a separation. Remember separation = relationship termination. So, if she felt something was wrong, she needed to get some evidence... then confront him. It sounds like she may have no right to complain about what he did during the separated period. I disagree with it being called a Separation! I also disagree with it being equivalent to the End of the Relationship... this is not a mere 'relationship' which gets terminated by an action or a word, this is a legally bound Marriage which can ONLY be terminated legally -- for that matter, a marital separation is Also a legal term you apply for... not just an Assumption if one partner moves out of the house due to conflict. It is also not a very clever reaction for the spouse to then have an affair, although if you look you will see she states he was Already having this affair well before she moved out (when she was not 'separated' as you called it). Thus, where you call her out on being 'wrong' or 'incorrect' for moving out on him without indisputable proof, I call HIM out for cheating on her (he knew what he was doing, even if she, you, or I did not)... In my opinion, it doesn't matter that SHE didn't know, it was the fact that he was cheating on her already, which negates your reasoning of "she moved out, therefore he was free to engage in another relationship". In retrospect you, I, she and of course he, all know that he was cheating first, and had NO RIGHT to do so... to then attach the blame on her, for having moved out, makes no sense. In other words, was he right to cheat on her since she moved out? Was he right to cheat on her before she moved out? Why DID she move out? Was it a mere coincidence that she moved out after and during the time he started the affair, and continued it? She had Nothing to do with his cheating. It was not her actions of moving out, or living with him, that caused him to cheat, nor do they excuse his cheating.
Athena Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 Gut feelings are not sufficient to cause a separation. I started a new thread called Screw the Need for Indisputable Proof...
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 I disagree with it being called a Separation! I also disagree with it being equivalent to the End of the Relationship... this is not a mere 'relationship' which gets terminated by an action or a word, this is a legally bound Marriage which can ONLY be terminated legally -- for that matter, a marital separation is Also a legal term you apply for... not just an Assumption if one partner moves out of the house due to conflict. It is also not a very clever reaction for the spouse to then have an affair, although if you look you will see she states he was Already having this affair well before she moved out (when she was not 'separated' as you called it). Separation is a preparatory step for divorce. People now days rarely wait for the legal proceedings to go through. Especially if one spouse does not want divorce, they can drag things on forever. If she felt 100% that he was cheating... Why did she bother to reconcile? Why complain about it if she knew in advance of getting back together? I don't buy this explanation. I think they both made huge mistakes... and should approach fixing the marriage based on that.
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