OnceTrueLove Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 So I am fairly new to this site. A couple of months ago I had posted on the marriages section. Wife and I are having compatability issues. To make a long story short. She comes from a broken home. Mom alcoholic, Dad recently divorced and remarried - a self centered jerk. Sister in a toxic relationship with someone who may or may not be gay, among abuse and drugs, and stealing, etc... Oppressed in her youth due to an inter-racial relationship that made her very strong willed and successful professionally. She thinks of others all the time, but never concentrates on the issues that she has inside her head (she makes a lot of lists - for everything). Engrosses herself in work as an escape - but stressed about that to the point of ulcers (at least that's my medical diagnosis) Me - Normal family. Don't get along with my father, but he has been absent in my life since I was 10. I'm 30 now. He's retired and calls me more now than ever. I guess it's his attempt to reconcile with my brother and I. I have an older brother who is a genius, too smart for his own good. He is finally in a relationship with a woman who is a curator at a museum. I have a stepfather who probably is the most stand-up gentleman and role-model I have ever met. He has always treated me like his own son in every respect (I'm upset now). I have a close relationship with my parents and do use them as a support network, she does not have this luxury - she only has me. She had a relationship with another man at her workplace. I don't have all the details, but I have actually gotten over that aspect of it. I was emotional, but try to think about things in a logical manner after the emotion settles down. She went to therapy for some of her issues, mainly around the "lack of happiness" in her life. Turns out that she is smarter than the therapist, so she quit. She has faults, as we all do I am sure, but I feel like there is nothing but thanks for the relationship that we have had. Been married for 4 and together for 9 years. No children, but 2 dogs. And now we are apart. She says that she needs time on her own. She has grown dependant on our relationship - maybe too dependant according to her, and needs to find peace with who she is. I have nothing but good things to say about her. And she says the same things about me. I am an ideal husband in so many ways and have done so much for her emotionally for her in ways that no other person can understand (Her words, not mine) When we met, I was immature, out of college, still in that mentality. I have grown up to see my friends (at least the majority) continue down the same path. I don't envy that, but it's just not who I am now as a person. I find beauty in nature, people, animals, love, simplicity, friends. Not the best at the romantic portion, but make efforts in all manners (that's part of the issue). I have retreated to my family. I am giving her space that she desires. Hopefully, things will work out, but I am not sure that they will. I have no other place to go at this point financially - at least on the short term. It crushes me to think that we are not meant to be together, but I guess it will be OK at some point. I am for sure not at that point yet, but the idea has been running through my head over the past couple of weeks. I feel helpless, because, for the most part, I have been able to fix what's wrong. I don't feel like I can fix this. It's her struggle, and I don't think that I will be a part of the outcome. This is the lowest point that I have ever been at. Is is wrong to feel that there is someone else out there that would be head over heels for a man like myself. I put all of my energy into our relationship, around the house, etc... to the point that I am so tired that I don't feel like I can do it any longer. We work on our communication together, but I am just plain tired. I feel like I can't do it anymore. Does it come to a point to where I can't fix everything (upset again!). I find it a shame, because there is such mutual respect in our relationship, but that doesn't account for much appearantly. I am out of town for the next 4 days. Maybe she can reflect and find a place of her own. She tells me that she can't take care of the house by herself, and I tend to agree. Maybe this is the beginning of the end - or at least the start of another path for both of us. That was the most difficult sentence to type. Again - this is rambleing, but theraputic at the same time. Lost in life - OnceTrueLove
ryepatch Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 hey, i am in a similar situation. . . we're both 30, have no kids but 3 cats we love very much. having pets is different. . . my wife has always fought for them, but has basically abandoned them now. . . our weird alternative family is something she can't handle at the moment. my wife is going through something and won't let me help. claims she's not coming back, but she's so not herself. . . i say, keep the faith. you're from different families but that doesn't matter, what matters is how you feel about each other. i guess i believe that'll shine through, in all our situations, how we feel about each other deep down. the thing is to not drift so far apart that you hurt each other in the process. . . that's what i'm worried about with my wife. and what i'm trying to avoid. . . reacting with anger, even though i have every right to. don't know if that'll resonate with you or not. . .
Author OnceTrueLove Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 rye - thanks for the kind words. I too try to stray from the anger part on the situation because it is non-productive for both parties and adds dimension to a situation that could be without it. I believe that you are right. I am not he most faithful of people - but do have faith in our relationship. I am not the fate-ist, but don't know how to proceed. Sometimes the most logical answer is to wing it. We ahd good conversation this morning. The issues in our relationship deal mainly with communication. I protect her by not communicating about everyday items (family, needs, work anger, etc...) because I think I would cause offense if I did. It has become reactionary now, and I don't think about it anymore - it just happens. I did not realize that I may be causing more damage that I would if I did speak of these things. I will need help with changing that portion of my life. It's not the first time that we have had that discussion - and I tried and got the fail card. I will need help. Part 2 of this (that I am now seeing clearly) - is that she has to make a step change on her external relationships. If she continues to use work as a distraction (until it boils over and we have another episode just as this one), and does not either accept the people in her life as "they are who they are", or make a change to address the self image issues - then I firmly believe that we will regress back to the same situation that we are in today. I appreciate the insight. Very sound and humbling to know that I am not the only one.
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