2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 The last time my H cheated, we made some changes. Looking back, I almost laugh that I thought texting was cheating. It is, but small in comparison to what he has done now. Anyway, one of the changes we made was to our financial assets. His betrayal left me feeling insecure, that I had more to lose than he. I felt that eventually his texting, need for attention, would lead him to leave me for someone else ...and I was concerned that I would become a middle aged woman with no financial security (we had not been married long, my D is not his.) SO , as a show of trust, etc, whatever...we had an attorney draw up a post nuptial that assures ME the house if we divorce. The house is the only asset completely paid for and he is not able to borrow against it. This "contract' has 2 stipulations: 1. I am also entitled to whatever other awards negotiated or court ordered over and above the house....dependent, as usual on the length of the marriage. 2. I get the house free and clear, if HE divorces me. Not if I divorce him. My attorney is going over it. On my own, my current net worth is...like, half a crack house.
boldjack Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 That's nothing to sneeze at. Some crack houses are worth a bunch. If your Lawyer needs any help, You can use mine, she is an absolute Pit Bull against cheating spouses. He may not be dead, but he will wish he was!!
carhill Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Damn, I hope he screwed something up. You know he buggered you on the verbiage regarding divorce plaintiff, don't you? Ironclad would have been no difference in who the plaintiff was. House would still go to you. As a cheater, he offered no real protection whatsoever, other than that you'd have a house to live in while you are married. I surely hope his constituents come to learn of the kind of man he is. Is he someone the public should trust?
MistyK Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 2. I get the house free and clear, if HE divorces me. Not if I divorce him. My attorney is going over it. On my own, my current net worth is...like, half a crack house. This sounds like it was structured to make you feel trapped. So, does this mean he has to file? What will do you if he doesn't? I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Woggle Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 If you get the crack in the crackhouse you can make a lot of money off of it. Just kidding about that but I can't blame you for wanting to protect yourself from somebody who betrayed your trust. I am damn lucky I was able to get rid of my cheating spouse unscathed and I am protected in case I am cheated on this time around.
carhill Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 If I'm reading right, and they lived in Cali, he'd have to be the petitioner (plaintiff) and she the respondent (defendant) to actuate the post-nuptial. If it is in proper legal form and doesn't violate statute, and she signed it, that's about it. It's a contract. She can sue to overturn the contract, citing whatever, but the lawyer fees will be hers. My lawyer costs 225/hr. Hope she can do better.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 2. I get the house free and clear, if HE divorces me. Not if I divorce him. I guess that seemed like a good idea at the time! I don't know. It might just be fun to make him so miserable he can't wait to divorce you.
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Yeah, on the surface I was thinking I could make him want to divorce me. But , then...I'm thinking...what if he tries to prove I'm not stable, or tries to use come other grounds for divorcing me...would that make the deal null? At this point, I'm doing OK...but I will admit to you people that if he wanted to drive me crazy, if he tried, ...it would not be a long drive.
MistyK Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 In fact, it almost sounds like the post-nuptial was structured more for his comfort than yours....a way to assure that you wouldn't divorce him if he cheated again. It only protected you if he wanted to leave and he's gone to great lengths to stay yet keep cheating. Ugh.
carhill Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Sociopath If he's a narcissist, it'll be easy for him to go cold on you. Not mean, but just a black hole. Your M will become a legal shell. I saw the signs. I'm glad I'm not wired to be that way, no matter what. A prison of the mind.
Owl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Do not agree to this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Counter-proposal: 1. In the event that either party is found to be engaged in an "inappropriate" relationship (defined as your lawyer agrees, but basically worded to outline both EA or PA), then the other spouse shall receive an immediate divorce and will also become the sole owner of the house and 70% of all other marital assets. This agreement is considered binding and will supercede any other standard division of marital properties typically awarded by court during divorce. If he wants to "reassure you" that he's not going to cheat on you again in any fashion...tell him to step his butt up to the plate.
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 In fact, it almost sounds like the post-nuptial was structured more for his comfort than yours....a way to assure that you wouldn't divorce him if he cheated again. It only protected you if he wanted to leave and he's gone to great lengths to stay yet keep cheating. Ugh. Yes. Set-Up. From the get go. From "Hello"
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I may not have what it takes to deal with this
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I may not have what it takes to deal with this Yeah, you do. And I like Owl's counteroffer.
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I like Owl's too, but thats hindsight. This is not something current, not something I am negotiating now...the post nup is 1.5 years old - from the last time he cheated. Its all just becoming surreal, He isnt who I thought he was...but worse my life the past 5 years , the way Ive lived it, the decisions Ive made, the words I said...my life was completely different than I thought it was. What the **** is my role here.
redtail Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I may not have what it takes to deal with this Or, you may. None of us knows the outcome of a crisis while we're in it. History is full of people that did great things, but did them full of insecurities. One of the best dicoveries come after people say "Hmmm, that's funnny..." rather than "Eureka!". Anyway, 2Sure, I know you have a lot of friends here because of the wisdom, courage and wit you've shared with others. That same strength will serve you well in the next few months, as well as your daughter. I wish you all the best...
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I like Owl's too, but thats hindsight. This is not something current, not something I am negotiating now...the post nup is 1.5 years old - from the last time he cheated. Its all just becoming surreal, He isnt who I thought he was...but worse my life the past 5 years , the way Ive lived it, the decisions Ive made, the words I said...my life was completely different than I thought it was. What the **** is my role here. Ah, I misunderstood. I thought the post-nup was something currently being negotiated. You have some good cards here, and you want to give some thought as to how to play them. Me, being who I am, would consider using the "threat of public revelation" card to negotiate a better deal notwithstanding the post-nup. This isn't about the "money" or trying to make out like a bandit, this is about you and your daughter having more than a crackhouse to fall back on.
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I know. I can deal with this, I just have give myself some patience and get a grasp on the facts, then breath. I dont have to do anything right now and Ive come to realize that its important that I dont. Yesterday, a mutual friend of both myself and H came into my office. She works peripherally for H now, but Ive known her for years. She was so concerned that she got on a plane to see me, unannounced. In my office, across from my desk, after I stopped crying....she asked me if I felt I was a threat to him. It would be natural if I felt I might physically harm him. As soon as she said that, I knew. She was there to SPIN me. Me. I said of course not and told her that if she was not careful I might take questions like that as an insult. But, I notice that no matter how many showers I take...my sweat smells metallic, like fear.
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Yesterday, a mutual friend of both myself and H came into my office. She works peripherally for H now, but Ive known her for years. She was so concerned that she got on a plane to see me, unannounced. In my office, across from my desk, after I stopped crying....she asked me if I felt I was a threat to him. It would be natural if I felt I might physically harm him. As soon as she said that, I knew. She was there to SPIN me. Me. I said of course not and told her that if she was not careful I might take questions like that as an insult. But, I notice that no matter how many showers I take...my sweat smells metallic, like fear. Your husband is an amazingly manipulative bastard, if you'll pardon me saying so. He's afraid, too. And of course we both know what he's afraid of. My advice is to use his fear to your advantage, whenever you're ready to do so.
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I know. I can deal with this, I just have give myself some patience and get a grasp on the facts, then breath. I dont have to do anything right now and Ive come to realize that its important that I dont. Yesterday, a mutual friend of both myself and H came into my office. She works peripherally for H now, but Ive known her for years. She was so concerned that she got on a plane to see me, unannounced. In my office, across from my desk, after I stopped crying....she asked me if I felt I was a threat to him. It would be natural if I felt I might physically harm him. As soon as she said that, I knew. She was there to SPIN me. Me. I said of course not and told her that if she was not careful I might take questions like that as an insult. But, I notice that no matter how many showers I take...my sweat smells metallic, like fear. I am offended for you. How dare she? Seems like she was there to get something for him to use, not for your welfare. Wow. Just. W.O.W! You are right, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Dealing with something like that right now. Telling a relative to do nothing because anything she does is only going to negatively affect her in the long run. Sounds like that's the deal for you too. Wait and see what the lawyer says. I liked BoldJack's suggestion too. (((2sure)))
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I have told everyone, him and my atty that I am not going to use the information I have to "blackmail" him in anyway...I wont. My point is...I dont see why i should have to, its dirty, etc.... But also, this is MY life not just his. These are the facts of MY life, what has happened to me, where Ive been, what Ive gone through, part of my experience. Eventually all of this will be just another piece of who I am. I will NEVER, not now or in the future ...give up any piece of my own story for money. Ive lived a colorful life and maybe someday it will be interesting. AND who he is now is of no real concern to him or anyone...its all based on who he will be.
boldjack Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Forget about the angst. Forget about your husband. Concentrate on what is best for your daughter and yourself. Don't get caught up in the personal feelings (I know it will be hard) but go about this, as another business negotiation. You and your husband are disolving your partnership, and are dividing the assets, That you both have accumulated. He will have to pay for your silence about his lack of moral character. I was a politician once, and any sexual or marital issues, are a death sentence for a local politician's career. A quiet, relatively happy divorce, is preferrable to a highly publicized court battle. You are in the driver's seat, so drive.
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I understand. That's why I qualified with the "being who I am" thing. I fully capable of being pretty wretched, I know that, and although I'm glad that you're not, I just don't want to see you and your daughter left in a bad (okay, worse) situation.
Author 2sure Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 I'm leaving my office for the day. I'm going to buy something really f'g expensive.
boldjack Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 BTW, You must adapt and survive. You must do whatever it takes to get justice, and to make a life for both you and your girl. It's not "blackmail", to tell the truth about a public servant. If you stay with him, you will regret it for ever.
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