Letting go... forever

[leap83]

Well, for weeks now my gut feeling has been telling me that something is not right, something is not adding up, something is contradictory and my gut feeling was right. That's why it was so easy for me to move on 4 days ago when we broke up. I was just waiting for that "gut feeling confirmation" and I received it today.

 

So, I decided to let go completely - strict NC, no talks of EVER being friends with this guy or possibility of getting back together. Did I let him know? No. Not yet. I will walk out of this with dignity as well as let him know that I know what he did and that I don't appreciate dishonesty IN ANY WAY. Does it hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts, but not as much as I thought it would. You know how they say "When life throws you a punch, roll with it."

 

I'm trying not to break now, because I hoped we could still be friends (he would make a wonderful friend). However, I can't cross over what he did, so I'm removing the option of staying friends - who needs a liar in their life anyway?

 

I think my taste in men is pathetic. When next one comes along, I'll make sure he's completely different from all of the men I have ever dated. It'll take time to get used to it, but ultimately it will be better for me, my soul and my heart.

 

Now... I'm going to try and swallow this pain. I already texted him to get his sweater and give me back my book (since I really need it). So first steps are in place. Do I want to listen to him? No. At the end of the day, I will let him know of my decision without listening to his excuses. I will walk out of this with dignity.

[irishsimon]

Well my taste in women is seemingly pathetic so I'm right there with you. I tried to sort it out three times, and while a man displaying his emotions may not be attractive to some I feel I have done the right thing and moved on with dignity. I can never be accused of not putting in the effort. I let go forever a week ago having put myself on the line. Each day I have felt so much better. Its an inside job. I took the bitterest pill and you know what..it didnt taste so bad.

 

Wishing you strength and determination Leap!

 

I had my ex ex - bipolar BPD - email me today asking if I wanted to come and see her???? Life can be so bent sometimes its a joke.

[Beeotch]

Well, for weeks now my gut feeling has been telling me that something is not right, something is not adding up, something is contradictory and my gut feeling was right. That's why it was so easy for me to move on 4 days ago when we broke up. I was just waiting for that "gut feeling confirmation" and I received it today.

 

So, I decided to let go completely - strict NC, no talks of EVER being friends with this guy or possibility of getting back together. Did I let him know? No. Not yet. I will walk out of this with dignity as well as let him know that I know what he did and that I don't appreciate dishonesty IN ANY WAY. Does it hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts, but not as much as I thought it would. You know how they say "When life throws you a punch, roll with it."

 

I'm trying not to break now, because I hoped we could still be friends (he would make a wonderful friend). However, I can't cross over what he did, so I'm removing the option of staying friends - who needs a liar in their life anyway?

 

I think my taste in men is pathetic. When next one comes along, I'll make sure he's completely different from all of the men I have ever dated. It'll take time to get used to it, but ultimately it will be better for me, my soul and my heart.

 

Now... I'm going to try and swallow this pain. I already texted him to get his sweater and give me back my book (since I really need it). So first steps are in place. Do I want to listen to him? No. At the end of the day, I will let him know of my decision without listening to his excuses. I will walk out of this with dignity.

 

Good for you

 

If you don't take a stand for you...who will?

[leap83]

Well my taste in women is seemingly pathetic so I'm right there with you. I tried to sort it out three times, and while a man displaying his emotions may not be attractive to some I feel I have done the right thing and moved on with dignity. I can never be accused of not putting in the effort. I let go forever a week ago having put myself on the line. Each day I have felt so much better. Its an inside job. I took the bitterest pill and you know what..it didnt taste so bad.

 

Wishing you strength and determination Leap!

 

I had my ex ex - bipolar BPD - email me today asking if I wanted to come and see her???? Life can be so bent sometimes its a joke.

 

Thank you. Actually, right now, I feel horrible. As I mentioned I sent him a text asking him when he wants his sweater and what not, and he replied right away, saying that if I don't want it, I can toss it away and he'll mail me the book if that's better for me. His message sounded frustrated and I got a sense like he was hurt, so I called him.

 

I feel horrible. I think (no wait I KNOW) that I messed up REALLY badly with this one. He was hurt because of yesterday - and I felt it in his voice. Yesterday, the website that we met on, matched me AGAIN with him. I didn't think that was going to happen and frankly, I wasn't really thinking. But when I saw it, I felt guilty. So, here's how the convo went:

 

Me: "Hi."

Him: "Hi."

Me: "Is everything okay? Your message sounded...... weird."

Him: "Your message sounded weird."

Me: "Well... I kind of wanted to give you back your sweater because I know you don't feel comfortable seeing me in the next 2 weeks and I wanted to make it easier for the both of us."

Him: "Ok. I can mail it to you. I guess." (weird tone of voice again)

Me: "Are you sure you're okay?"

Him: "I'm fine."

Me: "The reason why I did this is because since we both decided to move on and since we're both seeing other people, we should just get this out of the way."

Him (starts to laugh): "Seeing other people? Where did you get that from?"

Me: "My gut feeling has been telling me for weeks that something doesn't add up... something is off... It's okay. I know you're seeing someone. It's fine. I don't mind. We agreed we would move on."

Him: "Ummm... Do you have facts? Where did you get this from?"

Me: *silence*

Him: "Is all of this because ________ (website) matched us again?" (his voice sounds shaky and weird)

Me: "No. It has nothing to do with it."

Him: "Is it because you saw that I still have profile on it?"

Me: "No. No. I knew you had it. I knew you didn't close it. I was shocked it matched us again. I didn't think it would do that. And all I worried about when that happened was whether I hurt you. Because that wasn't my intention. You wanted me to move on. That's what I was doing."

Him: "Ok. That's fine. I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. I saw it on my Blackberry yesterday. I got an e-mail from it. (his voice is shaking). I haven't logged on for months now."

Me: "Yeah. I know. It's okay if you're seeing someone else. But I would have appreciated if you told me that you've met someone else and that you liked her better than me. It would have made it easier for me to move on. I just don't want us not to be friends. I keep initiating contact and if that's how it's going to be then I don't want it. If you don't want it, I don't want it."

Him: "I said we should take it slowly. Are you implying that I was dishonest with you? Where did you get this? You're just assuming." *started to get frustrated and pissed off*

Me: "I'm just saying we should be honest with each other. That's all. It really helps. Why are you angry with me now?"

Him: "Because you say stuff and you don't have the facts and you don't know... and yet you say this... and then you say I was dishonest. You're implying that I don't want to be friends with you because I don't initiate contact. I told you I would call you in a couple of weeks... but you never gave me the opportunity to do so - you called me even though I was planning on calling you. You didn't trust me. Then we talked again and I told you I would call you after my trip and you called me first AGAIN - not giving me an opportunity to show you that I meant what I said. I don't mind you calling me first... but you never gave me the time. You didn't let me prove it to you that I will call you. You assumed. Didn't trust me. I was hoping on seeing you when I came back. I planned on calling you. And here we go again. You don't trust me."

Me: "I know. I...." *stopped to think of other stupid things to say*

Him: "And to confirm your speculations.... negatively.... negatively confirm... I'm not seeing anyone." *upset, frustrated voice*

Me: "*silence; realization I ****ed up* I'm not seeing anyone else either."

Him: "Then why would you say that?! Why would you tell me that? I don't get it."

Me: "I don't know."

Him: "Well, if it helps you move on and if it makes you feel better, then you can think I'm seeing someone else." *frustrated, upset*

Me: "No. I still like you a lot. I..." *realized I'm an idiot*

Him: "Ok. I will talk with you when I get back."

Me: "I'm sorry. I..."

Him: "It's okay. I'll call you when I get back."

Me: "Ok. I'm guessing you don't want to see me after this."

Him: "I'm still thinking about it. It's been a couple of days. I have another couple of days to think until I'm blue."

Me: "Well, I hope... I hope you come." *trying not to sound like a loser and realizing that I have destroyed every bit of our relationship with my trust issues*

Him: "Ok. I'll call you."

Me: "Ok."

Him: "Take care."

Me: "You too."

 

 

Tell me I'm a moron. Please. I think I need to stay away from him. I've already done enough damage and I think being around him will cause more damage to our relationship. I seriously have trust issues that I need to deal with. I'm hoping I'll see him and when I do that will be the last time. I know what is the right decision right now - move away from him before you destroy everything. I ALWAYS assume. And now I can **** off.

[moo]

Well, for weeks now my gut feeling has been telling me that something is not right, something is not adding up, something is contradictory and my gut feeling was right. That's why it was so easy for me to move on 4 days ago when we broke up. I was just waiting for that "gut feeling confirmation" and I received it today.

 

So, I decided to let go completely - strict NC, no talks of EVER being friends with this guy or possibility of getting back together. Did I let him know? No. Not yet. I will walk out of this with dignity as well as let him know that I know what he did and that I don't appreciate dishonesty IN ANY WAY. Does it hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts, but not as much as I thought it would. You know how they say "When life throws you a punch, roll with it."

 

I'm trying not to break now, because I hoped we could still be friends (he would make a wonderful friend). However, I can't cross over what he did, so I'm removing the option of staying friends - who needs a liar in their life anyway?

 

I think my taste in men is pathetic. When next one comes along, I'll make sure he's completely different from all of the men I have ever dated. It'll take time to get used to it, but ultimately it will be better for me, my soul and my heart.

 

Now... I'm going to try and swallow this pain. I already texted him to get his sweater and give me back my book (since I really need it). So first steps are in place. Do I want to listen to him? No. At the end of the day, I will let him know of my decision without listening to his excuses. I will walk out of this with dignity.

 

 

If your taste in men is awful, self-help books can help you figure out why you are picking the wrong men.

 

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Over and Loving Me really helped me. The exercises helped me to figure out what I was doing wrong in a relationship and the type of men I was picking. The first book didn't go into depth about that, but it makes you think. I realize the bad relationships I've had actually mimiced my parents relationships. The exercises in the book allowed me to look at what I have been accepting, and think about what I am no longer willing to accept.

 

Both books are great. Loving me is more of a cultural book for African Americans, but it really can help anyone. There is an exercise about listing what you want in a relationship, are you willing to compromise about that, and if not, why are you not willing to compromise? The exercises from both REALLY helped me.

 

When I get some money, I am going to buy this book about breaking the cycle so I will not continue to date men like my father.

[silic0ntoad]

Hm. Sounds like issues you have with yourself, not the men you choose. From the conversation, he had every right to be angry and upset. You didn't trust him. And why do you want his friendship? That's selfish and unfair after a break up that obviously wasn't as amicable as first lead to be portrayed.

 

I don't quite understand what he did wrong, since it seems you didn't give confrimation of any wrong doing besides suspicion he was seeing someone else. If he was, you are justified in not trusting him. If he wasn't, your gut may have been lying to you. Maybe it wasn't saying "He is cheating." Maybe it was saying "You are changing and he isn't right for you." Signals can become crossed if you understand my meaning.

 

I would mail him his stuff. He is too hurt obviously to deal with seeing you at this point, and the same can be said of yourself, hun.

[leap83]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2367300#post2367300

 

Here it is. I'm open to any questions for those of you who would like to help me deal with these issues.

 

Silic: You're BANG on. You're right. He is hurt, because I hurt him. I'm hurt because I hurt myself. Why do I not trust him? Read the topic above and you'll get a glimpse of it. I need to deal with these issues right now, before it's too late for me. I'm an emotional wreck and he has EVERY right to be angry with me. He also has every right not to forgive me for what I have done and what I'm about to do.

 

I want his friendship because he wants it. I didn't break up with him. It was a mutual decision that I had a hard time dealing with. He has plenty of issues - actually SAME ones I have. We're both MESSED up individuals who would be perfect for each other if we weren't so messed up from our past. He wanted to keep the friendship so we can have hope for the future but I managed to DESTROY that. Every bit of it. Yes. I'm a moron.

 

My gut was feeling that because my gut ALWAYS feels like that. My gut is so totally off on so many levels.... it's useless right now. Yes. He's not right for me now. Not because he's not right for me in general but because I'm an emotional wreck and have been for 2 years now.

[silic0ntoad]

So, having read the thread above, you basically sabotaged a seemingly fine relationship for exceedingly ridiculous reasons? Why don't you want to be with someone who is everything you want?

 

Here's my point. YOU have issues. Sure, you may not be able to be with him now, but sabotaging everything to fill a void you feel is completely ridiculous. In fact, it's rubbish, and cowardly. I am not here to berate you however. You need therapy. You need to ask yourself a few questions:

 

1) If I can't trust a guy who has done nothing wrong, how can I trust anyone?

2) If I love and respect someone, how can I walk away from the guy at the top of my ladder, by self sabotage?

 

Finally, you need to realise not everyone you get with is honest. But when you have honesty, you can't CREATE dishonesty. And to be one hundred percent blunt, while what the first guy did may have been wrong, I have seen far worse. So now, here is what you need to consider with your current thing:

 

1) Is it worth throwing this away to fufill some selfish, morbid philosophy that every guy cheats?

2) Am I willing to sift through all the guys to come, only to continue destroying the lives I create with them?

 

You are a classic runner. When things get serious, you bounce, due to unresolved historic issues with prior relationships. I don't think you are a dumbass, but I was just ditched by a runner, so I feel some type of way about your particular situation.

 

I don't however agree with this. Obviously, you still have feelings for this guy. Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. And if it were just that you broke up with him, you wouldn't be burdened by guilt. But you are. A part of you knows it is completely ridiculous. It's like this:

 

Girl gets cheated on by Boy A.

Girl gets cheated on by Boy B.

Girl Meets boy C. Nothing goes wrong. Girl creates the fallout to fufill her inner fears.

 

It happens constantly, and I feel sorry for your ex. I think you need to get to counselling. Reason? You'll never be happy, and you'll keep creating bullsh*t excuses to ditch people. Not to mention, you definately have to get your issues with trust resolved or no relationship you have will EVER work.

[leap83]

Completely agree with you. Thank you for that. I didn't initiate the break-up. He did because of his issues. He told me he was not over his past and that he's having trouble dealing with it. Then he said how right now he doesn't think we should be together until he resolves those issues. So, I didn't run away. We tried to make it work with whatever we had - I never wanted to leave him. In fact, on Sunday, when we talked, I told him that I want to be with him. It was loud and clear. He believed that we should get emotionally healthy and then try being together.

 

If I had a say in this, I would still be with him. However, I acknowledge my issues. I also acknowledge the fact that I didn't trust him and that I don't trust him. Do I create drama? Yes. Yes I do. Am I in counseling? Yes. Yes I am. Is he in counseling? No. He's not. I don't want to ditch him. Right now, however, I don't know how to get him back - he wanted time, I didn't give him that. He told me he would call me, I called him first. He told me to move on, on Sunday night, I decided to do that because he told me to do it.

 

I think we're both runners. That's where the problem lies. We ran away from each other when in fact, we had a healthy relationship. He claimed it was moving too fast for him too (like I did). He didn't believe half of the stuff I told him. So.... Yes. I'm a runner right now. I don't know how to pull this together. I really don't. I know I have to work on my issues but how do I save our relationship?

 

And yes. I AM in love with him. And of course I care and feel bad and upset. He had a reason to be upset today. But he told me to move on - so why is he upset? Because he didn't actually believe I would do it? I should drop this issue all together. But I care A LOT about him. So, no... I can't drop it.

[silic0ntoad]

To be honest, Leap, you NEED to tell him those things. If I were in your shoes, the only way you will be OK with ending it is laying it all on the line. DON'T walk away with regret, and the only way to do that is to lay it all out there, and if he doesn't take it, it wasn't meant to be.

 

1. A conversation needs to be had. He needs to know you still love him, and if he thinks the issues you both have could be resolved with counselling. Offer to try that.

 

2. Don't go strict NC on him just yet. Let him know you still love, and are in fact, in love with him, and want it to work.

 

You both need couples counselling as well as individual therapy. If your offer is refused, then at least you can walk away and begin to heal. The "Be together right now" thing is bull****. You were together before. Fix the problem and be together, or don't. But I am hoping neither of you are clinging to false hope that you'll both get therapy and come screaming back to each other. Maybe in Hollywood, but not IRL.

[leap83]

silic: Thank you for your honesty and support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I'm going to listen to you. I highly doubt he wants to talk about this - every time I try to talk with him about it, he listens but he backs up EVERY one of my positive views with a negative. He is very pessimistic and tends to find negatives in positives. To be honest, I got tired of it. I already told him that he needs to start seeing someone about his issues - he acknowledged but said it doesn't work for him. He said he tried but it didn't work.

 

I'm in counselling. I'm trying hard to work on my issues. We took 3 weeks off and I didn't talk with him. When I asked him if he has worked on his issues for those 3 weeks, he said "No." It's like he knows he has issues, yet he doesn't want to work on them or doesn't want to admit it to himself and thinks he can go through it all on his own. Frankly, I got confused at the end - I didn't know what he wanted of me or of us and I'm still confused as hell. He says it'll be hard to see me, yet he plans to see me. He says he can't be with me now, yet he says he has feelings for me. He pushes me away, and then tells me that he still has feelings for me.

 

It is bull****. I agree with you. I messed it up but so did he. We were doing great and I started to open up to him and started to think I can trust him with my heart and then BAM - he tells me he's not over his past and cries about it. I'm looking at him, thinking he wants to break up with me (why would anyone be telling me this otherwise?!) when it turns out he just wanted to be honest and tell me this. Later on he tells me that exactly then when he told me about his issues with the past did he start to feel like something is off (he told me that on Sunday!). I have issues, silic, and am NOT emotionally stable under any circumastances but his behaviour made me very confused. I didn't know if I could hold all of this for both of us. I was weak. Like I said though, for weeks, we talked and tried to get past these issues - he felt guilty, like he wasn't 100% there, that he was hurting me and he didn't want that, like he was not good enough for me and I deserved better, that I was too nice to him, etc.

 

So yes. I had my fair share of faults in this relationship but so did he. We both ruined something great with insecurities. Because the bottom line is, before these issues were brought up, we were doing great. Everything was good. When we were both in normal states of mind (or pretended to be), our relationship flowed smoothly. No arguments. No dysfunction. It was absolutely amazing. And then that one day, when he showed up and cried to me, that one day made me become confused. I was distant before (I'm not implying otherwise... I was freaking out within but he didn't know that) but that day made me want to run away. To be honest. It made me want to run for the hills. I didn't handle it properly. I got upset. He didn't use the word "break up" or even mentioned it that day, but I did. I assumed that's what this was all about. That day screwed everything up. And it was mutual fault. Maybe it's better if we don't ever see each other again or take a break from each other. Maybe his personality drove my personality out.

[Rudderless]

1) If I can't trust a guy who has done nothing wrong, how can I trust anyone?

.

 

He did do something wrong, unless you consider telling someone you're in love with you're going to do your own thing and you'll call them in a couple of weeks.

 

It's controlling, manipulative, and childish behaviour. It's a total trust destroyer. Normal people don't act like this.

every time I try to talk with him about it, he listens but he backs up EVERY one of my positive views with a negative. He is very pessimistic and tends to find negatives in positives.

Yes, and that's only going to exacerbate your own issues. HE decided he was going to go off. HE turned it into a make or break situation. HE could have quite easily seen you once a week just to have some normal fun while he was working on his issues but HE took all the power away from you and gave HIMSELF complete control over the direction of the relationship. I don't see why you wouldn't have an issue with it.

[leap83]

He did do something wrong, unless you consider telling someone you're in love with you're going to do your own thing and you'll call them in a couple of weeks.

 

It's controlling, manipulative, and childish behaviour. It's a total trust destroyer. Normal people don't act like this. Yes, and that's only going to exacerbate your own issues. HE decided he was going to go off. HE turned it into a make or break situation. HE could have quite easily seen you once a week just to have some normal fun while he was working on his issues but HE took all the power away from you and gave HIMSELF complete control over the direction of the relationship. I don't see why you wouldn't have an issue with it.

 

Oh Rudderless, how much I missed your input. I'm so glad you've responded here. I'm really hoping that you're doing well yourself and don't really want to bring you down with my emotional distress.

 

As you can see, everything got messed up. I should walk away, right? I'm doing the right thing by walking away, right? There's no way to save this. You're right about everything you've stated. I see both points of view - I'm not perfect... My life, over the past 2 years, has been trial and error and an experiment in bad decision making. Because of that, I'm messed up. I can't think straight now. My mom is telling me to run for the hills.

 

This phone conversation was manipulative as well, right? He wanted me to feel bad. I really thought he was normal but I'm starting to doubt it. I'm starting to wonder how come he lasted that long in a 7 yr relationship. And I feel betrayed if everything he said was complete and utter bull****. I feel totally betrayed, lonely, and completely demolished. Was it the right thing of him to walk away and tell me to move on? Was I lucky he did that?

 

As you can tell, I'm in no position to make a judgment right now. My mom says he won't call like he said he would and if he does, to take my bloody time to respond. I on the other hand feel too weak to do that and don't know what to believe anymore.

[Rudderless]

Oh I'm fine leap, thanks for your concern. Actually I'm pretty happy and focused right now so all is good. Don't worry about causing problems for other people with your issues, we're only talking out your problems here and it won't bring anyone down, it's just a natural part of life, just think about yourself and be a little bit selfish once in a while.

 

I can see why you don't feel able to make a judgement right now. I mentioned that it would be good to take some time out from this and not pick over it so much. I know it's easier said than done, but try to find something that can take your mind off it, work, exercise, a video game, anything that gets your mind off of it, I think that would help a lot.

 

I think you're being a little hard on yourself. So you got upset that he was on the dating site again, well why not? You brought it up with him, perhaps not in the best way, but hell, what else are you supposed to do in such a difficult situation? It's really not such a big deal.

 

Thing is you've been trying so hard to protect HIM and HIS issues that you've almost forgotten about yourself in the process, and your own needs. I think you need to give yourself more credit. This guy has given you some serious heartache and confusion, so give yourself a break. I think putting it all on yourself is too much. You may have a few issues here and there, don't we all, but it's important to recognise that they aren't so big as to have affected this relationship in any real sense. I think anyone else would have found it difficult to cope in your situation.

[leap83]

. Thank you for your reply once again. I'm so glad to hear that you're focused and doing well. I'm glad you're happy (to an extent). It's hard for me to be selfish. I always think about other people's feelings more than myself.

 

I knew about the dating site. I knew he didn't close his account while we were together and I didn't bring it up (you can see when someone is active so I knew he wasn't active on it for awhile). Why did I suspect he was seeing someone else? Well, Facebook did the deed. When we were on a break, he became a fan of this woman and I found it very strange because he doesn't like art (it was in my news feed). I kept an eye for that name and today I saw that he befriended her on Fb. There lies the betrayal. Why do I think he is seeing her? Again, blonde, tall, his type, and he's a fan of her art - he doesn't like art. I found it all very odd so I put the 2 and 2 together and that's what came out of it. So my concern wasn't the dating site - I didn't think it was going to match us again, but it did (unfrotunately) and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that from happening. He brought it up during the conversation.

 

So. Yeah. I closed my Fb account today. I don't want to have it open until I decide what I want to do from here - unfriend him or keep him. I need some time off of it (for a couple of weeks).

 

You're right. I'm working on my issues - whatever I have left from my previous relationship. I'm determined to heal from my past but this guy really gave me a headache and took me for a ride. It's hard for me to believe that someone could have fooled me that much.

[Rudderless]

See, it's not so hard for me to believe, some people prey on others when they are generous and want to see the best in people. But that's not YOU. You can pick over this all you like, but you didn't do anything wrong other than making yourself vulnerable to the wrong person! You won't find anyone that's never done that!

 

He got into a relationship with you which to you seemed great, and then out of nowhere he CRIED because of his issues, but, then he wasn't sure and would call you in a couple of weeks, then he didn't even do that, then he COMPLAINS when you call him or wonder wtf is going on. I mean what a complete mindjob. If he had so many friggin issues, why didn't he just do the decent thing of making a firm breakup with you without all this crying and feeling sorry for him? Crying ffs! And yes I think your gut is not wrong on this!

 

I edited that as apparently he didn't mention the word breakup, but I dunno, I would have reacted the same if someone cried about all their relationship issues.

[leap83]

True. Everything you say is true. He didn't call when he said he would - I called. Then he said how he was planning on calling me. Lies!!! It was always me who initiated the contact but apparently I didn't give him enough time. Whatever. You're right.

 

What do I do now? Do I wait for him to call me, take my bloody time to return the phone call or not return it at all? I don't really know how to end all of this. I'm so entangled. Should I erase his phone numbers/unfriend him off fb/never talk with him ever again and completely close those doors? Or should I leave them open and see wth he's going to do next?

 

Did he lie about all of the issues? I know he's completely messed up. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and help him out.... but I can't anymore. I'm drained. Done. Completely demolished emotionally. And I didn't deserve any of it because I treated him good. I was nothing but nice towards him, listened to him and been there for him. Cared about him and made sure he enjoyed our time together. I gave it my all. You're right Rudderless.... I didn't screw this one up. He did. I had a reason not to trust him from the beginning.

[Rudderless]

I know he's completely messed up. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and help him out.... but I can't anymore. I'm drained. Done. Completely demolished emotionally. And I didn't deserve any of it because I treated him good. I was nothing but nice towards him, listened to him and been there for him. Cared about him and made sure he enjoyed our time together. I gave it my all. You're right Rudderless.... I didn't screw this one up. He did. I had a reason not to trust him from the beginning.

Everything you say here is right, and you know it. It's time to stop being a carer and realise that you need to be valued as a lover.

I'm drained. Done. Completely demolished emotionally.

This is what the guy brings to you and he's not going to magically turn it around, because you're the only one that can do something about that. Which is why when you ask:

Should I erase his phone numbers/unfriend him off fb/never talk with him ever again and completely close those doors?

I would suggest that NC is the way to go here. I know it's hard but the thing is, if this is how you have ended up feeling the best thing for self preservation is to get back into control so you can deal with it. If you keep leaving it open you're just going to get more drained, and you've already said you've had enough. I think, beginning with the argument, you're starting to take control of this situation now, so that's a good sign.

 

By the way, note how it was left - he is going to call you when he feels like it.Does this guy always have to have the say on who calls who?

[leap83]

Yes you are right. He again stated he'll call me when he feels like it which is after his trip. True. NC is the way to go and I plan to implement it immediately. I hope it will help me heal.

 

I wish it didn't end this way. I wish I walked away earlier but I didn't. I should have.

 

Thank you Rudderless for helping me realize this. I know it won't be easy. I know I'll miss him terribly because of the relationship we had before all of these issues cropped up. But honestly, I should have listened to him when he said that I don't deserve an emotionally butchered man. I should have said "You're right. I deserve something better," and walked away. This just shows how much I believe in everything working out eventually and how much I believe that if you do good, good will come back to you. Sad..... but true.

[DustySaltus]

I was in this guys shoes and it ultimately ended up in a broken engagement. I moved to another country to be with her and it wasn't enough for her to get over her trust issues. She hurt me in ways you couldn't imagine because she didn't admit she had a problem. At least you're admitting you have a problem, but do the next guy a favor and don't see anyone until you have these issues somewhat under control.

[leap83]

I have a reason not to trust him Dusty. As Rudderless pointed out, I have a reason. Yes, I have trust issues but they're not as crazy as I might have thought - my gut feeling is not really out of wack... Something is definitively going on here... I just can't pinpoint as to what it is... neither I want to try. Instead I'm choosing strict NC. It'll save him and me the trouble of conversing for a couple of months. Then we'll see where everything goes.

 

Edit: I'm dealing with my issues. Reading books. Counseling. Revamping my life totally and building from the bottom up. It will take a couple of months (maybe even a year) to do this so I don't want to be anywhere close to him, until I resolve my issues. Then I can face him and see what the hell happened.