Cora Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I feel embarrassed even posting this, but I just finished talking to him and I just feel like things did not go well at all! Yeah, this is the same guy I posted about being nervous meeting. I get that I pushed him away by cancelling on him repeatedly. We have talked since then and I told him I was sorry and that I get really nervous about meeting people for the first time....anxiety issues etc. I also told him that I feel more comfortable with meeting him now. He really does sound like a decent guy. I feel way better about him! He said he totally understood and that he still very much wants to meet me! The thing is, before I went on the whole cancelling rampage...ugh, he was texting, calling, IM'ing multiple times a day just about everyday. He has kind of stopped that cold turkey, but who could blame him right? I have talked with him about it and he says he still very much likes me and that he is just very busy right now. I say okay and leave him alone. I just find it odd how he doesn't even have time for a hello not even once? We went three days and I heard not a word from him. No, I don't expect to hear from him daily, just weird how he goes from daily contact to nothing at all?? He claims he is having some financial trouble right now and that he just recently found out he has less money than originally thought in his bank account. He is also working a lot more etc. He is a graphic designer and says he has been working on this project and things have just been really stressful and hectic. We still haven't gotten to meet yet. I thought I would take the initiative and make plans with him to show him I'm very much interested since I kept cancelling our dates. He said he was busy with this project he was working on so okay fine. I ask him tonight about this weekend and he says he is going out of town for the holiday to be with friends. That is all fine. I may have screwed up even more, but I asked him to be blunt with me. I told him it's totally understandable if he is no longer interested after the way I treated him....that while I have anxiety issues I don't expect him to have to deal with them. If he is no longer interested in really meeting me then that is fine? He insists that he IS interested and flat out told me I'm way too negative and that he wants me to stop worrying so much. He also said that he only has 400 minutes on his phone so he can't call me that much with the business calls he has to make etc. Okay, so he says he is short on cash, extremely busy etc.. My question is, is this a load of crap? I mean maybe it's just a coincidence that he started having financial trouble and a busier work schedule right after I kept cancelling on him, but I don't want to be that naive here. I don't know what to think. I'm ready and willing to meet this guy now who no longer seems that into it anymore while insisting that he is??? I really feel bad because I kind of went off on him tonight....not in an angry way. Just constantly questioning him and telling him he can be honest if he just isn't into it any longer. I feel terrible because I went from appearing totally uninterested to completely desperate...ugh!! Im backing off from him now before I come off as completely insane! I'll just sit back and see if he contacts me when he gets back into town....if not then I guess I'll have my answer. But seriously....why can't he just tell me it's off? Why go on and on about still wanting to meet me and yet hardly ever talk to me anymore? Probably time to let this one go huh? Okay, I'm ending this because I know it's long and I'm starting to sound pathetic. I cringe at the replies I'm gonna get.
Jilly Bean Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Oy. Please leave him alone. I think you fully understand where you went wrong with this one, so take it as a learning experience, and move on. If he contacts you, great, otherwise, don't contact him again.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Cora the first thing that you did wrong was telling him you have anxiety issues. You're not particularly familiar with the guy, but you went ahead and opened the closet before you showed him the house. You could've have just kept to saying you were busy before. White lies are in fact better than being completely honest. Now he's turned off by your desperation. You don't berate a guy about meeting up with you and complain about his lack of contact. You've officially scared the guy away.
Author Cora Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Okay, I get it.....I scared him away. Why can't he just be upfront with me and say he no longer wishes to meet? Why keep insisting that he likes me and wants to meet me? I mean seriously cut the polite crap if that's what he is doing. I am very direct with him and he is usually very direct with me. It's not like I told him some detailed story about why I have anxiety issues. All I said was I get really nervous about meeting guys off of the internet and it takes me awhile to warm up. I am leaving him alone now. I have been the whole three or four days we had no contact. He IM'd me out of the blue last night and we had a pleasant convo. Tonight I contact him and that's when things got crazy.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Okay, I get it.....I scared him away. Why can't he just be upfront with me and say he no longer wishes to meet? Why keep insisting that he likes me and wants to meet me? I mean seriously cut the polite crap if that's what he is doing. I am very direct with him and he is usually very direct with me. It's not like I told him some detailed story about why I have anxiety issues. All I said was I get really nervous about meeting guys off of the internet and it takes me awhile to warm up. I am leaving him alone now. I have been the whole three or four days we had no contact. He IM'd me out of the blue last night and we had a pleasant convo. Tonight I contact him and that's when things got crazy. Your attention is giving him an ego boost, but your outbursts are really unnecessary. You're getting worked up over a guy you rarely see, and if anything I think you're better just ignoring him now. I don't he meant to be polite just to have you keep texting him. Like I said it's an ego boost. Sometimes people like to make plans only to never fully go through with them. Why? Because the thrill is in the process, not in the action. So to him he's probably thinking " hmm, Cora must really want to meet me, considering her texts, so, wth, I'll go along with it even though I know I'm extremely busy ( blah, blah, blah) just to keep her hopes up." And your response is " Let's meet up, I'm all better now.... so when are we going to meet up? What are you doing? I thought we were meeting up? Why are you avoiding me?..." You get the point? Let this one go before you make yourself even more crazy.
dreamergrl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Actually, the first thing you did wrong is cancel on him over and over. The next thing you did wrong was tell him you have anxiety about meeting him (or guys in general). The last thing you did wrong was hound him about why he doesn't want to meet you now, after he has very good reason not to. He most likely is trying to let you down GENTLY because he's worried that you're anxiety will flare up and you'll be twice as upset. Further more.... I know I've suggested this to you in the past. Take a break from guys until you got your dating head on straight. Take some time to work out the issues and anxiety. It will do you a world of good when you get back to dating. You'll find you'll have much less situations such as these. Please don't contact him any longer, and just accept that he's most likely not going to meet you now, and quit beating yourself up about why. You know why - so accept it.
dreamergrl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Okay, I get it.....I scared him away. Why can't he just be upfront with me and say he no longer wishes to meet? Why keep insisting that he likes me and wants to meet me? I mean seriously cut the polite crap if that's what he is doing. I am very direct with him and he is usually very direct with me. It's not like I told him some detailed story about why I have anxiety issues. All I said was I get really nervous about meeting guys off of the internet and it takes me awhile to warm up. I am leaving him alone now. I have been the whole three or four days we had no contact. He IM'd me out of the blue last night and we had a pleasant convo. Tonight I contact him and that's when things got crazy. Do you not see anything wrong with this?
Author Cora Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Do you not see anything wrong with this? Yeah, I see lots wrong with it. We went 3-4 days with no contact. I figured boy he must be really busy and me being naive to think that or either he just wasn't interested any longer.....granted. Either way I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. That is until last night when he contacted me and he was really talkative. He apologized for being so busy and said he still wants to meet. Tonight I contact him and he appears really distant, but still insists on wanting to meet me. That's when I start to question him and go all crazy....yeah I know bad on my part. I just felt like I was being lied to. The thing is, I wasn't looking for anyone to date and I told him that. We met on a non dating website. He kept pushing and pushing to just meet (not in a creepy way) and if nothing else we could be friends. He started to grow on me and he is very much attractive. I suddenly found myself very interested in him. Only now, I seemed to have scared him away. Trust me, after the way I have behaved tonight I'm too ashamed to contact him anymore. I know I need to let him go. I guess I just got my hopes up is all and it sucks!
dreamergrl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Yeah, I see lots wrong with it. We went 3-4 days with no contact. I figured boy he must be really busy and me being naive to think that or either he just wasn't interested any longer.....granted. Either way I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. That is until last night when he contacted me and he was really talkative. He apologized for being so busy and said he still wants to meet. Tonight I contact him and he appears really distant, but still insists on wanting to meet me. That's when I start to question him and go all crazy....yeah I know bad on my part. I just felt like I was being lied to. The thing is, I wasn't looking for anyone to date and I told him that. We met on a non dating website. He kept pushing and pushing to just meet (not in a creepy way) and if nothing else we could be friends. He started to grow on me and he is very much attractive. I suddenly found myself very interested in him. Only now, I seemed to have scared him away. Trust me, after the way I have behaved tonight I'm too ashamed to contact him anymore. I know I need to let him go. I guess I just got my hopes up is all and it sucks! No... what was wrong with those statements is that he ended up contacting you, only to you go off and question him some more the next day. You could have had a chance to redeem yourself, but instead you freaked again.
Author Cora Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 No... what was wrong with those statements is that he ended up contacting you, only to you go off and question him some more the next day. You could have had a chance to redeem yourself, but instead you freaked again. Maybe I need to take lessons in not freaking. I have just been strung along before and I was determined not to allow that to happen again. The only thing is I think I was a bit too determined and refused to believe anything this guy said.
dreamergrl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Maybe I need to take lessons in not freaking. I have just been strung along before and I was determined not to allow that to happen again. The only thing is I think I was a bit too determined and refused to believe anything this guy said. Maybe you should take a break from dating.... it does a lot of good. Trust me.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Yeah, I see lots wrong with it. We went 3-4 days with no contact. I figured boy he must be really busy and me being naive to think that or either he just wasn't interested any longer.....granted. Either way I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. That is until last night when he contacted me and he was really talkative. He apologized for being so busy and said he still wants to meet. Tonight I contact him and he appears really distant, but still insists on wanting to meet me. That's when I start to question him and go all crazy....yeah I know bad on my part. I just felt like I was being lied to. The thing is, I wasn't looking for anyone to date and I told him that. We met on a non dating website. He kept pushing and pushing to just meet (not in a creepy way) and if nothing else we could be friends. He started to grow on me and he is very much attractive. I suddenly found myself very interested in him. Only now, I seemed to have scared him away. Trust me, after the way I have behaved tonight I'm too ashamed to contact him anymore. I know I need to let him go. I guess I just got my hopes up is all and it sucks! Cora, like I mentioned in one of your previous threads, it's time to take a step back from dating. You're obviously more than insecure about yourself and given your current anxiety issues, I really advise against meeting guys especially guys that insists on one- on- one meetings. You've contradicted yourself several times throughout several threads. If you weren't looking for a guy to date, you wouldn't be interested in meeting him. And obviously this guy was pulling your string if you think he just wants to be platonic. I'm not trying to be judgmental ( and I apologize if I'm coming off that way) but you really need to address some of your issues before you step back out into online dating ( if that's your medium). Notice how you often project your insecurities onto other men ( i.e. " I wasn't looking for a date", " I don't want sex on the first date", " I have anxiety issues"). These are all negative things that will drive men away. In your case, by laying them out on the table before you even meet the men face to face. You can be a very independent woman ( I can sense it in your writings) but your independence is somewhat overshadowed by what you consider a curse in establishing a positive and lasting relationship with a guy. It's not a curse and you can definitely overcome whatever is hindering you from making progress. It's just that you have to take a step back, analyze what you have done wrong in the past, make a list of how you can improve those mistakes, before you step forward again.
Author Cora Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Cora, like I mentioned in one of your previous threads, it's time to take a step back from dating. You're obviously more than insecure about yourself and given your current anxiety issues, I really advise against meeting guys especially guys that insists on one- on- one meetings. You've contradicted yourself several times throughout several threads. If you weren't looking for a guy to date, you wouldn't be interested in meeting him. And obviously this guy was pulling your string if you think he just wants to be platonic. I'm not trying to be judgmental ( and I apologize if I'm coming off that way) but you really need to address some of your issues before you step back out into online dating ( if that's your medium). Notice how you often project your insecurities onto other men ( i.e. " I wasn't looking for a date", " I don't want sex on the first date", " I have anxiety issues"). These are all negative things that will drive men away. In your case, by laying them out on the table before you even meet the men face to face. You can be a very independent woman ( I can sense it in your writings) but your independence is somewhat overshadowed by what you consider a curse in establishing a positive and lasting relationship with a guy. It's not a curse and you can definitely overcome whatever is hindering you from making progress. It's just that you have to take a step back, analyze what you have done wrong in the past, make a list of how you can improve those mistakes, before you step forward again. I understand what you are saying I really do and I agree with you. I do need to step back and take a break. It just sucks because I was really hoping to get out there and have some fun and gain some experience you know? To be honest, I never dated in high school or throughout college. I didn't go on my first date until I was twenty five years old. I'm twenty six now. I have dated only a couple of guys and had one fwb since then. I have practically no experience and no I'm not trying to go out with every guy I can find just to get the experience. I only go out with ones I'm interested in. It just sucks because I went dateless for so long and always wondered when I would get my chance to just get out there and have some fun you know? Yeah, I'm mostly to blame for my lack of dating experience, because I was and still am a really shy girl. Now that I am finally getting the chance to date all I can do is push the guys away because I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and I can't tell if the guy is being genuine or not? I tried online dating a bit thinking that would be a better route for me to go since I'm so shy and have trouble meeting guys out in public, but jeeze I can't even agree to an actual in person meeting with a guy I meet online. So no I can't blame this guy for not wanting to meet me now. I have treated him like crap with all the cancelling and then I do a 180 and go all crazy on him. I don't know. I thought this could help me with my anxiety and help me get out of my shyness so I could get better at it. But instead of fun it has turned into this emotionally draining chore.
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