Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I recently found out my wife,whom is a "problem drinker" invited a man over to the apartment while I was away for the purpose of drinking alchohol he purchased for her allowed the man,very breifly to perform oral sex on her while they sat on the couch. She says she felt powerless at first and then told him he had to leave and he left. She has invited men over/went drinking at their places several times to get drunk, she meets them on a chat line and swears that is all thats ever happened,and that it just hadnt felt real to her when it happened. She at first said they grabbed her,and then the next day told me there was more. We had had an argument by phone not an hour before this happened. I do not doubt she feels bad about it,but I can't get past the feeling that she isn't telling me everything,often such insights have been astoundingly accurate for me,but right now I o not know if that's just because I am very hurt and insecure. Anyway,I'm having a very difficult time getting past all this,past the feelings of suspicion and guilt and anger. I do not want to leave her,she doesn't want to leave me,but I honestly do not know if I can recover from this,and i am not able to talk to her at the moment without getting very angry. I had warned her before that if she continued to push like that something was bound to happen and I was always afraid for her safety after finding out about her drinking forays. I warned her that people don't pay just to even talk to women on chat lines l;ike that and then spend lots of money to get random women drunk without wanting something from it,and that it was just a matter of time until the issue was forced,and that someone might not even take no for an answer. I feel very hurt and angry and just emotionally drained and like I don't know if I cn actually be good enough to get past this no matter how hard I want to. I am very shy too,so I have no idea how I am to get past the issues I have now with physical intimacy and sex,it is hard for the though of what hppened to not run through my mind. II'm rambling,i do not even know what I want from posting this.
seibert253 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 She's lying to you. Trust me, you only getting half truths at best. She's had sex with many, if not all these men. Excuse me if I'm curt, but your wife is full of sh$t Personally, if it we me, she'd be gone. But, if for some reason you want to work this out, she needs help Your wife is an alcoholic. No if's, but's, or's about it. She needs help, she needs, counseling. You need to be firm and draw your line in the sand. Tell her if she doesn't meet and abide but these criteria, she's gone and your filing for divorce. 1. She quits drinking, right now 2. She tells you everything. Let her know if she lies about ANYTHING, she's gone. If you find out later she lied, or "forgot details", she's gone and your filing for D immediately. 3. She's gets counseling for her alcoholism and other issues she obviously has. 4. She never has any contact ever again with any of these guys. She never has any males at your residence unless you are present. Any slip ups, she's gone. 5. The two of you need MC to overcome what she's done to you, and your marriage. You need to stand firm. She either meets all of these, or she's out the door.
Bryanp Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Hello, You seem like a very nice guy who has married a women he should not have. Please look at the facts that you laid out: 1. She is a problem drinker. 2. She meets men on chat lines and invites them over or goes over to their places to get drunk and have them pay for the liquor. 3. She just recently invited another man to your home to get drunk and he performed oral sex on her. My friend it seems pretty obvious that your wife has absolutely no respect for you and your relationship. She is making a complete fool of you. Your Wife has no problem going over to other men's home or inviting them over to your home to get drunk. What kind of wife is this? Your working out of town and another man come to your home and performs oral sex on your wife. You can be sure based on her history there is a lot more to this. You can almost bet on this that she has been having sex with the other men she gets drunk with at their homes. Why in the world would you put up with such total humiliation and disrespect from her. She is putting herself and you at risk for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been if you invited a woman over when she was not home and the woman gave you oral sex? She continues to diesrespect and humiliate you because my guess is that there simply is no consequences to her actions and she considers you a doormat for putting up with this. My friend it is clear she has absolutely no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Please get tested for STD's (you wife has probably only told you the tip of the iceberg) and see an attorney to understand your options. Your wife goes to other mens homes to get drunk. Your wife invites other men to your home to get drunk and ends up having sex. Only a wife who has such a low opinion of her husband such distain would do such a thing. Enough is enough. You would have to be a masochist to stay in such a relationship. How can you be proud this this woman is your wife? I wish you luck.
Author Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 there is no way to be nice about this,you both sound like bitter morons. I do trust her,I do not logically think more happened,I came here for advice on how to deal with my insecurity and hurt and anger,not have two people bring their own emotional issues to the table. My wife WOULD be supportive of me if the tables were turned,and tbh she has put up with a fair bit of my insecurities and bad behavior as well. I told her before I don't think I deserved her acceptance and love. I have been no siant and some of my own actions shame me,and i understand what part I had in this and do not for a moment concider myself to be outside of the situations that led to this. I find your responses vulgar,disgusting and useless. Personally I want to heal and get past this not become some bitter idiot like the two of you.
Trojan John Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 And you wonder why there is no support system for you?
Author Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Oh **** off that's not support,you have a small bit of information and people are making grandiose "all women are lying whores" type of comment's. You can't tell me that doesn't stem from unresolved personal issues rather than trying to be supportive or helpful. The fact is I asked for ideas on how to get past my anger,etc,not to hear people make stupid generalisations about things they logically cannot know and just assume because of their own problems and an inability to recognize that not all situations are like the ones they found themselves in.
Trojan John Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Firstly, good luck getting help from anyone with your attitude. Secondly, and speaking completely objectively, the advice they've offered you is solid. I am not bitter, nor have I ever been in a situation where I had to deal with a cheating wife, so I carry no resentment. I have a very happy relationship, but would follow the above advice simply because it sounds logical to me were I in this situation. Do yourself a favour and go re-read their posts and try to gleam something from them, or take your own advice and f*ck off.
EricaH329 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I think that you should have made it a little more clear in your thread of exactly what type of advice you are looking for. I do agree with Trojan though, I highly doubt you will get anyone to pay you any mind with an attitude like that.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Cross your fingers, now tap your heels twice and say "I wish, I wish"
LakesideDream Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Oh **** off that's not support,you have a small bit of information and people are making grandiose "all women are lying whores" type of comment's. You can't tell me that doesn't stem from unresolved personal issues rather than trying to be supportive or helpful. The fact is I asked for ideas on how to get past my anger,etc,not to hear people make stupid generalisations about things they logically cannot know and just assume because of their own problems and an inability to recognize that not all situations are like the ones they found themselves in. Nssfm, It is tough advice, however I can advise you that what the above posters have suggested is not "out of the range". I've been here posting for years. I have read probably thousands of posts here in "Infidelity", and the advice you have received, while harsh, is supported by the vast majority of situations similar to yours. Both men and woman caught cheating generally only disclose information in minute increments. It's like pulling teeth. Something I not, and wasn't willing to do. IF I've read it once, I've read a hundred times... no four hundred times that "they only had oral", or "it was only kissing" .... "only mutal masturbation"..... pick your poison. And "it only happened once" is obligitory. Now, there is no question that you may be correct in "trusting your wife". I hope you are. I also hope for world peace, and positive intervention from alien beings. Hang in there. Help your wife deal with her alcohol problems, if she will let you, and maybe put some thought into Alanon for yourself, and either marriage counciling or individual counciling.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 You came here for advice- and that's what you're getting. Sure some of it's hard to listen to- and you don't want to believe it's true, I understand. Please try not to get defensive when we're trying to give you advice. Every poster has their own posting style and opinions- but you came here and asked for advise- we didn't seek you out. People are investing time replying to you- they could be doing something else- be appreciative. As Lakeside said I've been on this board and one other for years- and I've seen hundreds of these kinds of posts. It's all the same story. Although your situation is unique to you- it's really not unique when you get to the bottom line. Your wife is cheating on you, IMO. I'm a former wayward wife. Your post has sent up alot of red flags for me. The drinking and anon sex potential there- well honestly you're putting your own life at risk if you two are sleeping together without STD testings. I was a Sunday School teacher- very active in my church, great mom and wife- yet I still had an affair. Google "What is Plan A and what is Plan B". There is a man who has spent years and years finding out how to best mend your marriage after infidelity- his name is Willard Harley. You can get some great information there as well as some great support.
misternoname Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 As the old adage goes "the truth hurts." It seems to me that you're lashing out at the wrong person. Inviting men over to get drunk and allowing them to perform cunnillingus sure makes the other posters' assessment of your spouse seem spot on. If you're cool with that so be it...if you want real advice from folks like myself that have been the victims of cheating spouses open your ears, eyes and mind and LISTEN!
Owl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 If you don't feed them, they eventually seek other bridges.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Don't shoot the messenger(s), NSSFM. You may not have liked what the first few posters had to say, but I agree that their analysis was pretty solid, based on what you wrote. Nobody here is simply going to tell you what you want to hear in order to make you feel better. We're going to call it as we see it. What you do with our responses, only you can determine.
Sailingthrough Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 When your partner cheats on you it is devastating all the feelings you are feeling are normal. If you want to move on from this with your wife, you will need to communicate openly, this can be hard, you both are probably experiencing strong emotions. She needs to be honest with you, you know better than anyone here if that is likely to happen. It doesn't at least sound like her goal was to have sex with someone else, but she did put herself in a situation where that could happen, she got intoxicated with men that obviously have ulterior motives, and failed to stop things when things got sexual. In discussing this with her, it is important not to turn it into a shouting match, if your goal is to move forward as a couple. If you are getting really angry throwing out accusations or insults, take a break she should to. It may be hard to trust her again, but if you really can not your marriage might be over. Her behaviour sounds very destructive and it needs to stop if you are to move on from this or prevent any kind of repeat of this scenario. You need support too, and not the type that is going to feed on all your worst fears or foster more negative feelings either, it might be best to go to an impartial counselor, that understands you and your wife's shared goal to get past this. I am guessing this incident isn't the only issue, by that I don't mean that your wife is a compulsive liar or having sex with everyone under the sun, or that you are to blame, but something is not right for this situation to occur, you two need to identify this, and deal with it. She may need to take extra steps to show she is trustworthy to you, but avoid putting her on 24 hour watch, this doesn't foster mutual trust, and really if your only insurance nothing will happen is that you are watching her you have no insurance.
Author Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 The last person is the only one who doesn't sound like some jackass that has not dealt with their own issues and decided to project their own situations on to others in the guise of "offering advice". You lot need therapy,and to learn not to generalize/trivialize others situations. I thought it would be obvious to anyone who is not functionally retarded that I beleive my wife as I have no logical reason to believe this was simply a situation she didn't expect and didn't know how to immediately react to because she was drunk and she is kind of idealistic and doesn't want to see these people for how they really are. She does not invite people over for sex,and I am certain of that. Obviously you all have unresolved issues,and my goal is to not end up as you.
redtail Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 etc... Obviously you all have unresolved issues,and my goal is to not end up as you. Glad we could help, come back when you can stay longer...
seibert253 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I think his name says it all. Peace, outta here.
Author Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 The latest comments support the idea that you're all a bunch of washed up bitter divorcee's. Not interested in anything more than demonizing people to take the blame off of yourselves for why your own situations turned out so badly and to try and make others as miserable as yourselves.
Bryanp Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Your displaced anger and lack of social skills dealing with people makes it quite clear why your wife seeks out other men on chat lines to go and invite them to your home/ and go to their homes and get drunk with them while you are gone. Yes, you are certainly quite the winner aren't you. I guess it does not get any better than that. Congratulations!
Author Nosupportsystemforme Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 What is clear is that you haven't the slightest idea of what's going on and are actively asociating things with the situation that aren't really there. She doesn't do it to "meet guys" she does it to get free beer,and yes I am certain of that. I think it's pathetic how you're all responding and jumping on the "zomfg lololl111!!!! lolz she is teh cheater becuz u haz poor social skills.",clearly I am in a postition to know more about this particular situation than anyone here who simply assumes "one size fits all". There is no advice to be had here,there is however a lot of misguided anger coming from maladjusted idiots who would rather try and say "dude it's over and she cheats on you all the time,because i heard lots of situations and thats how it always is" than actually try and kelp me with the dilemma I actually posed.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Take time to think this through and decide what you want to do.. Seek counselling because it can help you sort out what's going on inside you.. I am very shy too,so I have no idea how I am to get past the issues I have now with physical intimacy and sex,it is hard for the though of what hppened to not run through my mind.
DoubleAce Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 She doesn't do it to "meet guys" she does it to get free beer,and yes I am certain of that. Why can't you buy her beer? Why does she seek men to buy her beer, not women?
reservoirdog1 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 The latest comments support the idea that you're all a bunch of washed up bitter divorcee's. On behalf of all us washed up bitter divorcees, NSSFM, I sincerely hope we're wrong. But something tells me we're not. Good luck to you.
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