beautifulearth83 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Hey ya'll, I would really appreciate any guidance. Things have been going well for the most part, but recently some old demons have found their way back to me. Years back, about 5, I got into a place where I was drinking and smoking weed a lot and being a bit deviant, but sexually deviant in particular. I have made confessions and have been able to improve my behavior and thinking patterns and create a better life for myself. But, recently, I found myself in a low and I had the house to myself for a couple days. I started smoking weed nightly and on the last night I decided it would be fun to let loose and pleasure myself. So as I drank more and smoked more I become more "horny" I guess. And this is where it gets embarrassing and hard to say. I decided, in this state, that I would put on these tight jeans I have (I'm male by the way) and a bra that was laying around the house. I stuffed the bra with toilet paper and put a tank top on over that. Neither the tank-top or bra were mine. The bra was a joke gift for one roommate, the tank top was my other roommate's. I then took photographs of myself with my computer in "sexy" poses. I had also gotten naked and spread oil on myself(not my oil, found it in the bathroom), and had also gone outside and walked around naked a bit. I had gone inside and watched a pirate porno I have on my computer as well. Then I decided to pleasure myself with the bottom of a guitar stand(one of my roommates guitar stands that we just have sitting down here that I was using in my room), anally. I thought it would feel better, but it actually hurt and I ended up in the bathroom and didn't feel good. After that I headed back to my room and just finished masturbating, then took a shower and tried to relax. Anyway, ever since, I've just really felt very remorseful and impure...it makes me feel like there is an evil inside, and it causes me to act differently. I feel like a bad person. I look back at the behavior as being very peculiar. I could understand walking outside naked, or just masturbating period, even the oil perhaps. The rest is just so strange to me and I feel like I took it a little too far.
EarthGirl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 first thing I will say is to not judge yourself. This is something you obviously did alone. You did not do anything inappropriate with an under age person, nor did you force or even coerce an adult sexual partner to do things with you that they might not be comfortable with. I know you feel very confused embarrassed and ashamed right now, maybe even scared, not understanding why you did these things that did not even really make you feel good in the end. But the fact is it's over now..you may have the urge to do it again sometime, but for now it is over, and the past is something that is not present in the present, it doesn't stay, you know what I mean? It happened, you are anonymous here and as long as you did not have a camera in the bathroom with you, as far as anyone knows, they know nothing about it, it never happened, and you should not feel weird around anyone, because lots of people have secrets that you would be really surprised about too. And some people don't have that weird or shocking of secrets but that does not mean they would not be the type of person to be totally understanding with you and totally not shocked at all or judgemental of yours if they found out. But it is totally in your control if anyone ever knows or if it for all intensive purposes never happened. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you could tell the world if you chose, but you alone control this as of now. so the second thing I'll say is to ask if you have a history of being a victim of sexual abuse or assault, particularly in your childhood. I am not an expert but I have done quite a bit of reading up on this subject, for personal reasons relating not only to me but to someone I care about. It is quite an obvious leap from reading your post for anyone these days to guess that you may have a history of abuse. But your behavior particularly reminds me of a book I checked out from the library and read..it is called The Unsayable by the way, if you want to read it, don't remember the author, but I am sure you can find out and find it at a bookstore or library..this particular book is concerned with only girl victims, and I promise I am not making reference to your bra incident or making any fun of you in any way... Just that even though it does not deal with male victims (although I would suggest you look up some stuff for support for that specifically), a portion of the book is about girls that were victims that later went on to perpetrate abuse on younger kids...Although I am not suggesting you have done that or would ever do that...I think it has some interesting thoughts on the role of "acting out" for sexual abuse victims, wether it is on someone else, or only themselves. so I am going to have to go, but I will respond some more tomorrow with some more thoughts. please hang in there.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 It's the weed. Drugs are a terrible influence on your behaviour although if there ever were anything good that came out of abusing drugs, I think the Beatles are a perfect example. They were tripping on LSD and came out with one of their best albums. But then I think John Lennon was high when he got involved with Yoko Ono. Haha, anyways back on point, marijuana can make you do stupid things. I doubt you have suffered any sexual/ emotional abuse in the past, or have you? Lose the weed, and have sex sober.
hoping2heal Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Do you have any kind of history of sexual abuse or sexual assault?
Author beautifulearth83 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Well, thank you for your replies. I do find it interesting that a history of sexual abuse has come up, but there is nothing I can recall.
In_Repair Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 It's the weed. No. I've smoked tons of weed... and never cross dressed or fornicated with a guitar stand... that I can remember.
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 BE83, I've done some things I wouldn't dream of sharing with anybody, anytime, so first of all kudos for being able to talk about it. I had to work through some shame, and wondering how sick of a person I was. Even though those things are a part of my past, I realize that there was nothing in particular to feel ashamed about. In both of our cases, no other person was hurt or remotely effected. We all to save our shame for the hurtful things we do to others. As for whatever might be rattling around inside your head that led you to do what you did, rest assured that we all have SOMETHING rattling around, in many cases much worse than what you described. We're only human.
OpenBook Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Whew! When I read the title of this thread, I thought you were going to confess to having sex with a farm animal or something. Don't sweat it, OP. The human sex drive is one of the most creative forces we have. It can manifest itself in many different ways. It's also a very primitive drive. What we do with it is entirely up to us. I think we're OK as long as we don't ever try to force our sexuality on others.
Author beautifulearth83 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks for your responses, even the funny one. I'm just experiencing a lot of shame and I'm trying very hard to figure out what it is I need to do next to feel back on track.
Adunaphel Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 A guy I know once tried to masturbate by inserting an item (a tube of cream if I recall well) in his rectum. He was just curious. He was, and still is, heterosexual. He also was, and still is, a very normal person - a great one, actully.
Els Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 As embarrassing as it may feel, you really did nothing wrong. You hurt noone. There are no lasting damages to yourself. Yeah you should think properly before stuffing random objects in your butt since it could lead to a trip to the ER, but besides that... There's nothing wrong with what you did. I can say I've done quite a few things that have rivalled yours.
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I agree with the above poster. Also, Remorse is CONstructive, but Guilt is DEstructive. However, I don't see that you have anything to be either guilty or remorseful about. If you really want to make sure you never do anything like this at all - keep off the crahp. You do have the choice - so make the wise one. Oh, and I hope you have not only destroyed all pictorial evidence of your shenanigans, as well as deleted the pirate video.... both are unwise things to have hanging around, if it's something you feel bad about. if only to prevent them accidentally falling into the wrong hands.....
Recommended Posts