Need Input: Dating Belief Disagreement

[kodachi]

My girlfriend and I get along extremely well, we are best friends. Have seriously discussed marriage and our future. And with that, we always share concerns and opinions about every little thing.

 

Recently we've been talking about 'What is considered a date'.

For me I believe a date is whenever people of the opposite sex meet socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

As for my girlfriend, she believes that a date has to be mutually agreed a upon.

 

Then we had an argument:

Since we're both attractive individuals we occasionally get the attention of the opposite sex.

 

Furthermore, my girlfriend gets calls from men to 'hang-out', where the men treat her to lunch/dinner, movies, beach, and so forth. It's not uncommon for her to have these 'hang-outs' on a weekly basis.

However, since she does not have any intention of being physically involved with those men she does not consider this 'dating'.

 

Earlier in our relationship, she still met with men to 'hang-out', and I told her how it hurt me when she did that; I consider it dating, and thus cheating. And so she stopped meeting other men in a '1 on 1' basis, but this took a lot of thinking on her part since she does not believe that there is anything wrong with it. As long as she does not get physical with them or has any intention of it.

I even stopped hanging out with my female friends on '1 on 1' since it hurt her as well as make her jealous. This was an easy decision for me because of my beliefs on 'dating'. Which again is, people of the opposite sex meeting socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

 

Back then, it really made me think that she did not care about me enough to just unconditionally stop meeting other men. She said her reasons for not seeing other men was because she did not want to lose me.

 

But now, because we were discussing our beliefs on 'dating', it reminded me of how much it hurt me to think that she preferred the attention of other men, than just being with me.

Now that I started thinking about this again, I afraid that she will undoubtedly start seeing other men behind my back in the future. Not cheat on me physically, but cheat on me emotionally.

 

All because her belief that what she does is not considered a dating other men, and is just hanging-out.

 

 

I think I'm a bit insecure about this, since I believe she can't stop seeing other men just for me.

 

Am I being paranoid about my fears, is it just a misunderstanding?

What do you guys think is 'considered dating' in relation to our topic?

[Unsuccessful]

I don't know if it is technically "dating" if both people don't consider it to be a date.

 

HOWEVER, I don't think that attached people should spend time one-on-one with single people of the opposite sex, regardless of how the situation is labeled (date vs hanging out). It opens the door to temptations, the grass is greener mentality and/or emotional affairs.

 

A few meetings with a long-established opposite sex friend (eg. an old friend from childhood) might be an exception, but it should not be on a regular basis.

[silverfish]

I don't understand. Is she still hanging out with other men after you stopped doing this with other women?

 

And just to clarify - did you stop seeing these women because she didn't like it?

 

If this is how it is then no, you aren't being paranoid.

 

''I think I'm a bit insecure about this, since I believe she can't stop seeing other men just for me.''

No, obviously she can't, but she expects you to do the same? You are right to be insecure because it seems she has no respect for you

[BUENG1]

My girlfriend and I get along extremely well, we are best friends. Have seriously discussed marriage and our future. And with that, we always share concerns and opinions about every little thing.

 

Recently we've been talking about 'What is considered a date'.

For me I believe a date is whenever people of the opposite sex meet socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

As for my girlfriend, she believes that a date has to be mutually agreed a upon.

 

Then we had an argument:

Since we're both attractive individuals we occasionally get the attention of the opposite sex.

 

Furthermore, my girlfriend gets calls from men to 'hang-out', where the men treat her to lunch/dinner, movies, beach, and so forth. It's not uncommon for her to have these 'hang-outs' on a weekly basis.

However, since she does not have any intention of being physically involved with those men she does not consider this 'dating'.

 

Earlier in our relationship, she still met with men to 'hang-out', and I told her how it hurt me when she did that; I consider it dating, and thus cheating. And so she stopped meeting other men in a '1 on 1' basis, but this took a lot of thinking on her part since she does not believe that there is anything wrong with it. As long as she does not get physical with them or has any intention of it.

I even stopped hanging out with my female friends on '1 on 1' since it hurt her as well as make her jealous. This was an easy decision for me because of my beliefs on 'dating'. Which again is, people of the opposite sex meeting socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

 

Back then, it really made me think that she did not care about me enough to just unconditionally stop meeting other men. She said her reasons for not seeing other men was because she did not want to lose me.

 

But now, because we were discussing our beliefs on 'dating', it reminded me of how much it hurt me to think that she preferred the attention of other men, than just being with me.

Now that I started thinking about this again, I afraid that she will undoubtedly start seeing other men behind my back in the future. Not cheat on me physically, but cheat on me emotionally.

 

All because her belief that what she does is not considered a dating other men, and is just hanging-out.

 

 

I think I'm a bit insecure about this, since I believe she can't stop seeing other men just for me.

 

Am I being paranoid about my fears, is it just a misunderstanding?

What do you guys think is 'considered dating' in relation to our topic?

 

If they pay(and its not business related, client-supplier, her boss etc) its definitely a date. That seems pretty cut and dry to me. Besides that I think it is unclear could go either way. Depends on the outing and her relationship with that person. I don't think necessarily two people doing an activity is a date but its pretty murky I'd say.

[BCCA]

At the risk of getting flamed for this...

 

I believe women operate in the realm of 'reasonably deniability'. In your case, she could reasonably say its not a date because she has no intent on dating this guy. Its obvious to us guys, however, that no man would spend time with a woman just to 'hang out' unless he wanted it to go somewhere, whether a bedroom or a LTR. Its the same reason women go over to a guys house and act like they were unaware that he wanted to have sex with them. Ask her why she is going, and I bet she wont have an answer for you. Why? Because the only reason I can think of is attention, but she knows thats messed up to you and the other guys, so once again, she'll just deny she has any idea that these guys are trying to date her. Come on, do you hang out with women 1 on 1 that you dont want to date or sleep with? No way.

 

To answer your question, all that counts is what you think, and you dont like it. It needs to stop, end of story.

[kodachi]

I don't understand. Is she still hanging out with other men after you stopped doing this with other women?

 

And just to clarify - did you stop seeing these women because she didn't like it?

 

If this is how it is then no, you aren't being paranoid.

 

''I think I'm a bit insecure about this, since I believe she can't stop seeing other men just for me.''

 

No, obviously she can't, but she expects you to do the same? You are right to be insecure because it seems she has no respect for you

 

We stopped seeing people of the opposite sex around the same time, when we start becoming serious.

[silverfish]

''Furthermore, my girlfriend gets calls from men to 'hang-out', where the men treat her to lunch/dinner, movies, beach, and so forth. It's not uncommon for her to have these 'hang-outs' on a weekly basis.

However, since she does not have any intention of being physically involved with those men she does not consider this 'dating'.''

 

So, I don't understand this part of your post, you make it sound like this is what she is doing right now.

 

On the other hand, if neither of you are doing this any longer, then what's the problem?

 

@ BCCA I agree that some women might not get the ulterior motive thing, women DO get jealousy though!

[Jersey Shortie]

Ask her how she would feel if you were "platonically" paying to take other women out to dinner, to the beach..or wherever. I would 99% bet that she would not like it. Put her in your shoes next time you discuss it.

[kodachi]

''Furthermore, my girlfriend gets calls from men to 'hang-out', where the men treat her to lunch/dinner, movies, beach, and so forth. It's not uncommon for her to have these 'hang-outs' on a weekly basis.

However, since she does not have any intention of being physically involved with those men she does not consider this 'dating'.''

 

So, I don't understand this part of your post, you make it sound like this is what she is doing right now.

 

On the other hand, if neither of you are doing this any longer, then what's the problem?

 

Sorry silverfish, I should have typed "got calls from men to 'hang-out'"

The problem, which might not even be a problem, is the fact that her belief is that dating has to be mutually agreed a upon.

 

And my belief is that people do what they believe is correct. So in this case, I feel that in the future she might just see people (not dating in her mind) behind my back without telling me.

 

Are our conflicting beliefs such a big hurdle?

I feel like I'm just letting fears run around my mind, making it worse.

 

Furthermore, are male school friends okay to see 1 on 1?

As 'Unsuccessful' said "It opens the door to temptations, the grass is greener mentality and/or emotional affairs."

 

Thank you for the replies, guys!

[Thaddeus]

OP, you have every right to be irritated about this.

 

BCCA had it spot-on: She's living in a world of "plausible deniability." That is, if she doesn't call it a date, then it's not a date.

 

But that's only one small part of the equation.

 

Where the rubber hits the road is the point where you told her it was uncomfortable for you but she kept doing it anyway knowing full well that it caused you grief. In her world, her feelings matter. Yours don't.

 

Is that the sort of positive, forward-looking relationship you were hoping for?

 

Time to man up and accept the consequences. "You know this bothers me, but you do it anyway. That's very disrespectful. So you have a choice: Me, or feel free to date the others - because they ARE dates. Make your choice or I will make it for you.

 

You have ten seconds to decide."

 

Yes, it's harsh and yes it's an ultimatum. And yes, you will probably lose her. But no relationship is worth losing your self-respect.

[Jersey Shortie]

Where the rubber hits the road is the point where you told her it was uncomfortable for you but she kept doing it anyway knowing full well that it caused you grief. In her world, her feelings matter. Yours don't.

 

 

 

I do agree with this but would also point out that men do this all the time. Especially when it comes to porn. They don't care how their women feel about it as long as they get to look. This is relatable.

[Katherineos123]

At the risk of getting flamed for this...

 

I believe women operate in the realm of 'reasonably deniability'. In your case, she could reasonably say its not a date because she has no intent on dating this guy. Its obvious to us guys, however, that no man would spend time with a woman just to 'hang out' unless he wanted it to go somewhere, whether a bedroom or a LTR. Its the same reason women go over to a guys house and act like they were unaware that he wanted to have sex with them. Ask her why she is going, and I bet she wont have an answer for you. Why? Because the only reason I can think of is attention, but she knows thats messed up to you and the other guys, so once again, she'll just deny she has any idea that these guys are trying to date her. Come on, do you hang out with women 1 on 1 that you dont want to date or sleep with? No way.

 

To answer your question, all that counts is what you think, and you dont like it. It needs to stop, end of story.

 

 

You dont think men and women can truly be JUST friends without an ulterior motive?

[callingyouuu]

As a guy, I still think it's possible, though improbable, that a guy and a girl can be friends with no ulterior motive. I'm not really in the dating frame of mind right now, so I'm just focused on making friends. Once I start dating again, though, if my significant other makes me give up all of my female friends, we're going to need to set some boundaries. I would fully expect her to do the same.

[silverfish]

Men & women can be friends, but when you are with someone, you don't indulge one on one friendships with the opposite sex. Most people would have a problem with it. It's rare for both people to happily accept eachother seeing other people in date like scenarios on a regular basis.

 

I would talk to her about it and clarify the situation, but if she has stopped doing it then you don't really have a major problem. I have found that most men are uncomfortable with seeing a woman who is with someone on her own anyway. Her friends should understand.

 

If she has agreed to stop doing it, but doesn't agree that it was 'dating' (and I'm not sure that it was either) then you'll just have to live with that I guess. I had a similar problem once and although he didn't agree with me, he stopped doing it out of respect for me. This is because in my past experience, I had a friendship lead on to more with my ex.

[callingyouuu]

I still think it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex outside of just a simple dating relationship. For example, if she wants to see a certain film that's outside of my genre of interest with another dude who's more interested in that kind of stuff, I'd be fine with that. As long as she still makes you feel like you're her number 1 guy, I don't see any problem with her having other guy friends with whom she enjoys other interests that we don't share. Otherwise, I'd feel I'd be limiting her much more than necessary.

 

It's all a matter of trust, really. When you're still dating and not like engaged or anything, I still think that's ok.

[Trojan John]

My wife and I have friends of the opposite sex, and we are able to meet with them on an individual basis without any problem. We even go out to parties without each other sometimes (last night, in fact). We have a lot of trust and mutual respect for each other, though. Hard to find these days.

[silverfish]

I agree to a point, but don't see why it would be different if you were engaged.

 

If the OP isn't comfortable with it, then she shouldn't do it. A lot of people wouldn't be, and sometimes you need to trust your gut instincts.

 

If something your partner is doing makes you uncomfortable, then firstly you need to ask yourself 'Am I behaving irrationally?'. If the answer is no, then trust your gut. I don't think the OP is behaving irrationally or trying to control his g/f, he just doesn't like it.

 

That's fair enough, and if someone I was with had a problem with respecting my feelings, even over something relatively trivial like this, I would think seriously about continuing the relationship.

 

When I was younger I would try and be 'cool' with it while not feeling that way at all. A few bad experiences have taught me that it's better to nip these things in the bud rather than let the situation escalate to the point where it's interfering with your relationship in any way.

[kodachi]

Thank you all for the great input!

I really appreciate all of the wide range of views on the matter.

 

Thanks again!

[samspade]

My girlfriend and I get along extremely well, we are best friends. Have seriously discussed marriage and our future. And with that, we always share concerns and opinions about every little thing.

 

Recently we've been talking about 'What is considered a date'.

For me I believe a date is whenever people of the opposite sex meet socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

As for my girlfriend, she believes that a date has to be mutually agreed a upon.

 

Then we had an argument:

Since we're both attractive individuals we occasionally get the attention of the opposite sex.

 

Furthermore, my girlfriend gets calls from men to 'hang-out', where the men treat her to lunch/dinner, movies, beach, and so forth. It's not uncommon for her to have these 'hang-outs' on a weekly basis.

However, since she does not have any intention of being physically involved with those men she does not consider this 'dating'.

 

Earlier in our relationship, she still met with men to 'hang-out', and I told her how it hurt me when she did that; I consider it dating, and thus cheating. And so she stopped meeting other men in a '1 on 1' basis, but this took a lot of thinking on her part since she does not believe that there is anything wrong with it. As long as she does not get physical with them or has any intention of it.

I even stopped hanging out with my female friends on '1 on 1' since it hurt her as well as make her jealous. This was an easy decision for me because of my beliefs on 'dating'. Which again is, people of the opposite sex meeting socially on a '1 on 1' basis.

 

Back then, it really made me think that she did not care about me enough to just unconditionally stop meeting other men. She said her reasons for not seeing other men was because she did not want to lose me.

 

But now, because we were discussing our beliefs on 'dating', it reminded me of how much it hurt me to think that she preferred the attention of other men, than just being with me.

Now that I started thinking about this again, I afraid that she will undoubtedly start seeing other men behind my back in the future. Not cheat on me physically, but cheat on me emotionally.

 

All because her belief that what she does is not considered a dating other men, and is just hanging-out.

 

 

I think I'm a bit insecure about this, since I believe she can't stop seeing other men just for me.

 

Am I being paranoid about my fears, is it just a misunderstanding?

What do you guys think is 'considered dating' in relation to our topic?

 

Her hanging out alone with other men - who foot the bill, no less - is unacceptable, whatever you might call it.

 

As the man, you need to let her know that you find it unacceptable. Don't deliver any ultimatums. Just make clear that you don't like it.

 

If she doesn't stop, then dump her.

 

She is disrespecting you right in front of your face....to say nothing of taking interested men for a ride. Up until now, she knows she can get away with it, which has diminished her respect for you. There is still time to change this, but you have to be steadfast. If she will not change, again, dump her. Respect begins with self-respect - don't accept anything less.