robynp Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 hi all, so this is my first time posting here although i have been lurking for a few weeks. i really hope to get some unbiased insight. my ex and i broke up 2 weeks ago after being together 11 months. we had a pretty amazing relationship. we hit a bit of a hurdle at the 5 month mark but were able to work it out, so i thought. things were going great and he asked me to move in with him this fall. we looked at apartments the second week of august. two weeks later, he broke up with me. he says he hadn't been happy in awhile and regretted not telling me sooner. this was his first long-term relationship, he's 31! i am so upset. i really believe he's the one. apparently, he felt i wasn't working on things that i promised at the 5 month mark. i wish he had told me. they are all minor things that i am certain i could've fixed. i've actually started therapy for them. we did no contact for about a week. we now are talking daily. i just noticed that he took down all pics of us from his facebook - he must've done this today. last night, he told me that he was so glad we could still be in each others lives and that he missed me. i can't imagine my life without him! can this ever lead back to a relationship?? is it better to have him in my life as friends than not at all??
K706 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I am going through a very similar experience. Said that he felt that way for some time but certainly didn't show it, and we had a couple of hurdles that we eventually got over. Nothing horrible. He told me that he didn't want to be with me forever. What? I'm waiting for him to take all his pics down too, but i'm trying not to look b/c it will hurt me even more. He wants to remain friends, and NOT out of pity, but b/c we have so much in common and were friends before all of this. I'm still trying to figure out if being friends with him is worth it- I guess i look at it this way....If you have so much in common with the person OTHER than an initmate relationship, than why not be friend with them? BUT, you have to give it time, and time away from him, and not talking to him daily. Being in therapy is a great idea- but do it because YOU want to be there, not b/c if you go through with it he'll take you back. You're making yourself better for YOU not him. I hope my situation works out as well, b/c i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, but i'm still on the fence as a friend.
freestyle Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 The "remaining friends" thing, in my experience, only slows down the healing process, if not bringing it to a complete standstill altogether. Try and imagine 6 months down the road, you`re "friends", but no more kissing, hugging, or intimacy. Do you want to play the role of the supportive "friend" he turns to when he`s dating someone new? Do you still want to be seen hanging out with him, so other prospective matches who may not be aware of the situation are afraid to approach you? K706 is right, you have to give it time. Let yourself heal, and reconnect with your own center. Give him time to miss you.He`s sending very mixed signals right now if you guys are talking daily,and I`m guessing you`re a little confused. Let us know how it goes, o.k.?
Author robynp Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 thanks for the feedback. i look forward to hearing from others also. to say i'm confused is an understatement. i know i need time...but that's hard. i'm in therapy for me, not him.
gp913 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and said that she still loves me, but only as a friend... I'm so heartbroken, but I had wondered the same thing... after some time and after I've healed... are second chances possible after being labeled more of a friend? We were together for 4 years and lived together, then I'm in the friends zone? I've set up an appt with a therapist and working on becoming a better person, mainly for me, but I suppose I do hope that she will take notice one day in the future... Maybe feelings can change?
georgia girl Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 To all: Get out of the "friend" trap now! For a second, think about this from your ex's perspective: they feel overwhelmed, overcommitted and want out of the relationship. Maybe they want to date someone else. Maybe they want more free time. Maybe they just have focused on one particular part of you that they don't like (like they have no faults) and have decided they're not "in love" anymore. But guess what? They still have feelings for you. They don't want to be OBLIGATED to you, but they'd like to be friends. Maybe at some point, friends with benefits. But no way are they going to reconsider a relationship. Why? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO. YOU ARE WILLINGLY GIVING THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND SACRIFICING ALL OF YOUR DREAMS, DESIRES AND WANTS JUST TO HAVE A PIECE OF THEIR LIFE AND HOPE FOR A FUTURE. Go no contact. Right now (and no, you don't have to tell them - they're not your partner anymore). Quit accepting the crumbs of a past relationship they're willing to dole out. Instead, if they want to be in your life, they will have to work to get there. Believe me, if they realize what a mistake they made, they will BEAT DOWN YOUR DOOR to come back. Listen to me. I know of what I speak. I totally rejected my ex. I was in the "anything to get them back" mode before I went no contact. Then, I got angry. But I also got perspective. When I calmed down, I knew what it was that I needed to have from a relationship. What I could and could not accept. I ignored my ex for three weeks. He finally asked for a second chance and I told him no. That there was no reason for me to go back to him without some resolution of HIS issues. We are now back together. He is actively working on our relationship and his issues. It may or may not work out for us - and your ex may never reappear. But going no contact will get you the hell out of limbo land and back into the land of the living. Sorry for the tough love, but no contact is the only way to go!
maria_patheticsoul Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I agree with Georgia not having communication with your ex will clear your head and will give you time to think.I say you can only be friends with your ex if you are sure of yourself that you dont feel anything for him anymore when you look straight in his eyes..and feel nothing.The first thing that you should do is go NC..difficult but you can do it. Goodluck
smookie Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 I have to agree with Georgia also, I was the one that broke it off however there were times when I missed him like mad and i would try to contact him... He would not answer my calls or texts. One day we started to talk again and he even drove a few hours to come see me, he stayed for the weekend and then left, Now he will not stop texting me however when I say do you miss me it all stops. Today i decided that this was not good enough for my life anymore and I text him asking him to lose all contact from me as I was no longer the person that gave everything to get nothing. I know that he will not try for a bit but there will be a day that he will start again ... I on the other hand will not be there to recieve his games anymore. I will not allow myself to be used when he is board. I am a person and I do have feelings. I am done with him and I am now moving on... Georgia your one smart lady... You handed me a few handfulls of tough love a few made me cry but all along you were right and I was not liking it. Thanking you for pointing things out the way that you do!!!
Author robynp Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 well, i took everyone's advice and have been no contact for two days! surprisingly, it's not as hard as i expected. i do wonder if he has noticed. only time will tell.
GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 hi all, s i can't imagine my life without him! can this ever lead back to a relationship?? is it better to have him in my life as friends than not at all?? Please read this: So you want a second chance?
Author robynp Posted September 8, 2009 Author Posted September 8, 2009 Day 4 of no contact and going strong
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 @ smookie - I am so, so sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean it. I am also so happy you are doing well. @ roby - sometimes I am a little too tough, so please tell me to shut up and just be nice when you need me to be. You are doing very well. The reason why I promote NC is because it lets you decide what parameters you will or will not accept. That way, you get what you need out of a relationship without compromising too greatly. (All relationships require compromise, but without balance, I think we're all prone to compromising too much just because we love someone) No contact is like taking off a bandaid in one quick motion. To me, it's a whole lot better than having it taken off one tiny strip at a time. By the way, I'm always here for you!
Author robynp Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Ok. I need someone to tell me that I am doing the right thing. I am on day 4 of no contact...today is also 3 weeks since he broke my heart. I haven't heard from him since Friday. The only form of contact is he "liked" my facebook status earlier. Ugh this is heartbreaking. I know I am doing it for me, but is there any chance I'll hear from him?
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 You are doing the right thing! Also, quit posting on Facebook. That's a passive means of him being able to communiicate with you. You want more, so don't let him do that. Here's a great visualization I had when I was in no contact. I decided I had one ace card to play, which was contacting my ex. I could only play it once. Therefore, if I used my ace card that day, I could never use it again. I used it even though my ex was contacting me and it worked very well. It made me feel in control again and kept my responses to those random texts in perspective. I hope that helps. Believe me, I am a No Contact believer. I think it's the greatest thing in the world for healing. And regardless of what happens with your ex, you must heal.
Author robynp Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 My post on facebook had nothing to do with him though... so why am I not allowed to post?
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 First, you can do whatever you like - I'm not your mom! The reason why I advise against it is because it's the most passive form of communication. He doesn't have to interact with you. He can type a few lines and/or hit a button, but it doesn't take a lot of effort. Also, it's a way where he can check in with you without having to talk/see you. Who knows if he will contact. To be honest, they almost always do, but it could be months from now or tomorrow. What no contact will do is allow you to get yourself on an emotionally steady ground before you do end up seeing/talking to him again. Please know that I truly mean it, however, You can contact him/post on FB, whatever you like. This is your relationship, so while I offer advice, feel free to ignore me!
Broseph Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Hey Robyn, Hope all is well and me and you are in similar situations. I am around 4 days without contact and have only spoken once in 2 weeks. You asked, 'I know I am doing it for me, but is there any chance I'll hear from him? ' To me it sounds like you will hear from him, but that doesnt mean it will be to reconcile or anything. I am sure he is thinking about you as much as you are of him. Sometimes in breaks both parties are sorting through a ton of emotions and go through similar cycles of emotions just at different times. I say lay off the facebook posts too for awhile. Actually, forget facebook altogether for a couple days.
Author robynp Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 I know you all are right. I am taking your advice - no more fb updates. I also made it so he can't see me when I am on. Anything else I should be doing??
Oh Moe Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Georgia girl About the no contact thing? I haven't tried to contact the EX since last Tuesday. Then she contacted me Three straight days And now this morning again. Last night she contacted me but didn't have to it was an irrelevant thing that could have waited til next week. Just like this morning. Actually today I waited about an hour before answering her text. Do I ignore her. You are doing the right thing! Also, quit posting on Facebook. That's a passive means of him being able to communiicate with you. You want more, so don't let him do that. Here's a great visualization I had when I was in no contact. I decided I had one ace card to play, which was contacting my ex. I could only play it once. Therefore, if I used my ace card that day, I could never use it again. I used it even though my ex was contacting me and it worked very well. It made me feel in control again and kept my responses to those random texts in perspective. I hope that helps. Believe me, I am a No Contact believer. I think it's the greatest thing in the world for healing. And regardless of what happens with your ex, you must heal.
mmk1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 GG, my ex and I (3 years) have communicated regularly and gone out for lunch/drinks over the last two months. She initiates now (I did at first) and I ALWAYS end the conversation first. Despite this, I believe I am firmly in the "friend-zone" and I don't see any way out. My thoughts are either: 1) NC with notice or 2) NC without notice; or 3) tell her its been nice, but we either need to talk about getting back together or go our own ways. What now?
seoa Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 @oh moe and mmk1... I know you asked GG, but here's my take... NC is about self-respect... it's about acting "as if" you have huge amounts of self-esteem (because it's hard to do that naturally when you've just been rejected horribly, so having some rules in place makes things simpler). If you're completely thrown, and all over the place, then follow one of the (millions of) links to CaliGuy's guide to NC, and just obey the rules mindlessly. If you're a bit further on, and have a pretty good grip on your emotions, then you still need to follow NC 99% of the time, but you can tailor it slightly to your own situation. So if you feel you would be showing more dignity by informing your ex that you're going NC, then do it. If you think that they would use that against you, then just do it, don't tell them. If you're unsure, then just follow the NC rules 100%....
mmk1 Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Thanks SEOA, would option #3 giving her a chance to come around before I go NC be a good or bad idea. She would think it strange if I just flat out stopped answering (if that matters). This may be a pipe dream of mine, but I thought (like many before me) that contact would bring her back around but it hasn't yet. I do see her occassionally for work (we are in the same field). P.S. SEAO, what would be the 1% exception to NC that you're thinking about?
Author robynp Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 and i screwed up...i im'd him. nothing exciting, just small talk however, interesting turn of events...he said he planned to im me tonight. who knows!
georgia girl Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 Guys, I'm really not the expert on no contact - Caliguy is. So please don't let me steer you wrong. However, in both cases it seems like you're focused on your ex-partner and what will/will not generate the desired response from him/her. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. We can only control how we respond, not how others would respond. Therefore, I would go back to why you are doing no contact. You want out of the friend trap and either into something more and/or set free. So, what is your standard to prove to you that they are coming back? Is it a few phone calls? Is it an expression of remorse/interest in you? What is it that you need? Then, judge your partner's actions. Does this meet your standards? If not, ignore. If it does, respond. As for telling someone you're friends with, that's a little more difficult. In all aspects, I believe you should be kind and fair. I never really faced that - we broke up and it was no contact. However, if you have been communicating, I think it's easy enough to tell your partner that you're not angry, but you need some distance for awhile and to wish him/her luck. Then, you don't go through the whole "I have to get over you" bit which either makes you feel pathetic or them resent you for "burdening" them with your emotions. You're being polite, kind and firm. But once you enter no contact, do it for the right reasons. Do it so that you can establish what you truly want. So you can get distance from an emotionally charged situation and make healthy decisions for yourself. Good luck. It's so hard to turn away from someone you love and who is reaching out to you, just because that reach out isn't quite enough. In the long run, I do think you will be happier.
Oh Moe Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 The reason I'm doing the no contact is after she broke it off I was kind of a had to know why person and may have smothered her. She always said call or text anytime if I have the time I'll talk to you. She always answered quickly. Well I found myself doing the contacting every few days. (We still love and miss each other) She has finally explained what went wrong and it's not a hard fix in my opinion. Our talks this week are very deep into ourselves we both are deep people, have very strong feelings of self. Our problem doesn't require change but maybe some tweaking, we are the same we fell in love with years ago. She has now been contacting me regularly even for no reason other then talk. I do not want to talk us at this time. We talked alot today and she laughed more then ever. WE both agreed it was an awesome talk. To be honest I will not pursue her for at least another 3-4 weeks maybe longer. If she pursues me we will have to have a long talk. And I don't know what to expect to hear from her ? She already knows I can not do the friendship thing. Nor do I wish to. Depending why she calls or texts I may not even return her calls tomorrow. Still confused. Guys, I'm really not the expert on no contact - Caliguy is. So please don't let me steer you wrong. However, in both cases it seems like you're focused on your ex-partner and what will/will not generate the desired response from him/her. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. We can only control how we respond, not how others would respond. Therefore, I would go back to why you are doing no contact. You want out of the friend trap and either into something more and/or set free. So, what is your standard to prove to you that they are coming back? Is it a few phone calls? Is it an expression of remorse/interest in you? What is it that you need? Then, judge your partner's actions. Does this meet your standards? If not, ignore. If it does, respond. As for telling someone you're friends with, that's a little more difficult. In all aspects, I believe you should be kind and fair. I never really faced that - we broke up and it was no contact. However, if you have been communicating, I think it's easy enough to tell your partner that you're not angry, but you need some distance for awhile and to wish him/her luck. Then, you don't go through the whole "I have to get over you" bit which either makes you feel pathetic or them resent you for "burdening" them with your emotions. You're being polite, kind and firm. But once you enter no contact, do it for the right reasons. Do it so that you can establish what you truly want. So you can get distance from an emotionally charged situation and make healthy decisions for yourself. Good luck. It's so hard to turn away from someone you love and who is reaching out to you, just because that reach out isn't quite enough. In the long run, I do think you will be happier.
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