can't forget the past and its kinda killing me. this is a bit dark

[kivan3]

Hello all

 

this is the conclusion to the thread I started almost 3 years ago, about my inability to deal with my girlfriend's past.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=104243

 

Well, guess what, after 8 years, she dumped me... finally

 

I figured I'd write again here in case my situation helps someone else.

 

Now its over, boy, do I feel stupid. All the clarity and perspective I needed have arrived exactly too late.

 

Well, its all so messy - I always thought, especially in recent years that my sh t didn't affect her, or if it did a negligible amount. She knew I would still have nightmares or not be able to sleep because of it, but it didn't seem to really affect her. Apparently it did.

 

She still loves me, but won't put up with the potential of me making her feel like that again. And how can I promise her I won't when I was never really able to control it in 8 years..?

 

Well in a way I was. We've been doing the long distance thing for a few years now, mainly because of work and life circumstances, but I think we both felt we needed some space too. In that time, I've gotten so much better. The bad thoughts were getting less and less, sleep was better, I was learning to accept the past as the past. I presumed she was doing ok anyway, but blam! clearly not, clearly she's felt just as crappy as me all this time and its gotten too much for her.

 

terrible communication, but I never really told her I was getting better, she never relayed how bad she was feeling. And we've split up long distance so there's no way of talking this out. I went over, and she is resolute. We've split up a few times, and she always took me back, so I guess she'd psyched herself up to not waver. Things are different now anyway, something's clicked in her head - she doesn't believe I can change, she thinks I'll always have those moody moments when I make her feel like crap. 'Looks of hate and disgust' apparently..

 

Don't get me wrong, most of our time together was AMAZING. And at best we were so happy together. But she apparently just started to really dread the next time I'd be in a bad mood..

 

And I'm not even sure I can even try and make the big push to get her back. What if she's right, and I will make her feel like that again? Its hard to say with just dumped rose tinted spectacles. Right now I'm sure I wouldn't but what if ..

 

What if all my doubts over the years, and hers, actually means it wasn't meant to be, that it was all too painful for a reason,

 

Or has my lack of perspective lost me the Love of my Life?

 

who knows? Fate is secretive

 

an unhappy and confused

Kivan3

[EsmerKiss7]

After reading your old post and this one, i'd say that if you really love her you should be there for her. I understand it bothers you too but you have to let go of the past to enjoy your future. I've known people who have been sexually assaulted before and made really stupid decisions, sometimes you just need someone to understand and show you that things are different - that you're different. Understand?

 

If this happened before you guys were together and your relationship was good for the 8 years you were together I dont understand why you would still let it bother you (well as far as her decision making goes). Everyone makes mistakes and life isn't fair, but there is no point in dwelling in it. Believe me no one wants to be constantly reminded of bad things that happened to them, or things they did. Thats horrible, most people repress those kind of things for a reason.. Anyway, you don't want her reminding you about how you made her feel for 8 years do you?

 

Bottom Line: When there is a problem you find a solution and work past it. If you truly love her you can make it work.

 

Also, you may want to check out this book called Confusing Love with Obsession: When being in Love means being in Control, By John D. Moore

 

It's a good read and may give you some insight on why you feel that way, idk. Just a suggestion. I read it and it gave me some great insights on things I do. Anyway, I hope things work out for you. Take Care.

[kivan3]

Dear EsmerKiss7

 

thanks for your reply and advice. Alas, I think its too late. All you said is true and I deeply believe it now, but its just too late. I've been unconsciously breaking her heart for years, and in her head, now its over. She doesn't have the energy to put in to it to try and make it work as I have drained her of it. The stupid thing is all this time I thought she was fine. Its quite tragic, really..

 

Kivan3

[hellothar]

I don't believe that it is 100% over, never say never. I believe you need to first accept her past, she made mistakes, but that was before and not who she is now. If you want to look her in the eyes and tell her that you accept her past (and mean it), and that she is a wonderful person and you are sorry for putting her through all the pain you have put her through. She did make a lot of stupid decisions, but you were not in her life at that time and it should have no affect on how you see her now. She is a different person and was with you for 8 years because she loves you (and still does so you say).

 

You can mean it when you tell her that you accept her past, look at your life without her.. if it hurts more than knowing her past then you can put it behind you. This can either be the end or be the true wakeup call that you have needed for years. You love her, she still loves you... that's all that needs to matter at this point because everything that happened in her past happened at least 8+ years ago.

 

I don't belive that this is over, you need to look her in the eyes, be confident, and tell her you are over her past, you love her, and that all you want is another chance to have a future with her.

 

Good luck and I wish you the best.