Regular_Joe Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Sorry about the following wall of text; I’m in a unique situation, and I feel the need to explain so members can understand where I’m coming from. I’ve searched a lot of forums, but I’ve never run across any other poster who’s been through a similar situation. At the moment, I’m hurt and broken… just can’t think straight. Hopefully, someone here can help. BACKGROUND: I grew up in the cliché’d broken home – nasty divorce, alcoholic abusive mother, acquiescent father blahblahblah. At 18, I bolted for the Army, leaving my little brother and sister to endure life with “mommie dearest”. From then on, I intentionally estranged myself from my dysfunctional family, (8 kids total). I sorely regretted leaving my little brother, but always felt he was influenced heavily by my mother. Years passed; I left the military and moved to a different part of the country. About 5 years ago, I received a surprise call from my little brother. He had arrived in town to visit me. Not on a lark – it turned out he’d been fighting a losing battle with a rare form of cancer. He wanted to see his big brother one last time. Months of chemo and radiation therapy had turned him into a broken shadow that I hardly recognized. He tired easily, and I was only able to spend a few hours with him. About a month later, he died in a hospice bed, leaving behind 5 children, ages 3 to 13 (middle 3 adopted), and a wife. The funeral was torture; made even worse by the inevitable family drama play. Naturally, most of my relatives only focused on how my brother’s death affected themselves. Not many expressed genuine support for my brother’s children and wife (she was evidently on my mother’s blacklist). Wracked with grief, plagued by regret, and furious at God, I resolved to “fix” things. It wasn’t long before I dissolved my then-relationship (girlfriend, lived together for 4 years), and moved back “home”. I became involved with my brother’s widow; we fell in love and I moved in. I vowed to myself that I would care for her and the children as my own. As long as I was on this earth, she would not want for a husband, or the children for a father. RECENT EVENTS: Well, you know what they say about the road to hell and good intentions. The relationship started off rocky; there were warning signs that I should have heeded, but chose to ignore. She behaved erratically at times, and was given to destructive displays of frustration and anger, often in front of the children. But I was always able to calm her, and I chalked it up to grief. (Over time, these episodes became more infrequent and to her credit, she worked hard to eliminate them altogether.) She would frequently go through periods of extreme inconsolable depression, which would frustrate and even anger me after I tried everything I could to make her feel better. (She refused counseling). Sometimes she would even become unreasonably paranoid, and suspect that I had designs on other women. All this I attributed to having lost her husband, (my brother), but her behavior felt eerily familiar to what I had experienced growing up with my mother. Although we were already engaged, it was this feeling; this fear that maybe I was going to marry someone just like my mother, which prevented me from actually going through with the ceremony. My stonewalling was the cause of many of the arguments that were to come. I could never bring myself to tell her the real reason why I hesitated – I was afraid that it would drive her away completely (she hates my mother). Cowardly, I know. Obviously, my own interpersonal communication skills were lacking. OK, they sucked. I even lied about some things to her, stupid things, because I didn’t want her to “freak out” about it. Of course she found out that I lied, and proceeded to get… upset. I tried to make up for it; I did everything I could to make things better for all of us. I never completed my college, and always had “blue collar” or lower bracket “white collar” jobs, so my income level wasn’t that spectacular. She always insisted that didn’t matter to her. When we realized that my job would barely cover day care costs for the youngest, I volunteered to quit and become a stay-at-home dad. (I loved spending that time with my youngest - yes, I think of them as mine - but failed miserably at the domestic duties of a “Mr. Mom”.) Later, I returned to school to finish my degree, but when financial crisis arose, I quit and went back to work. Around the house I did some things well, while others I was no good at. I did all the grocery shopping, and became adept at stretching the food budget. I always made sure I got fresh flowers for her when I went shopping every week (often with at least half the kids with me). I cooked all the dinners, and made things like homemade bread to save some money. When I went back to work, I gave half my paycheck directly to her, and the other half was spent on indulgences like taking everyone out to eat, treats for the kids, or to supplement the expenses. Neither laundry or household money management were ever my forte, however, so she was stuck with both more often than not. So, as you can see, even though we weren’t married, we lived like a married couple with children. I would always refer to her as my wife, not my girlfriend or “significant other”. Heck, we have the same last name, so no one outside of our tiny circle of friends knew any better. It seems there was constant friction between us, even in the best of times. She would often complain that I was uncommunicative, while I always wanted her to treat me with more open affection. (She couldn’t even bring herself to call me “honey” once in awhile). I thought of her as controlling, while I’m sure she wished I was more assertive in the relationship. I’m convinced she never had much respect for me. And although our sex life had started off quite passionately, the flame slowly burned low, until it, too was a source of argument between us. CURRENT EVENTS: Last year, something catastrophic happened that tore everything apart. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that our third child made a stupid, destructive decision that threatened our family and his own future. Now let me say that my “wife” has never been the affectionate type of mother, apart from the youngest. When the incident occurred, she immediately went into Damage Control Mode; making sure that all proper conventions were followed, including family counseling and behavioral counseling for the third child. We had to hire attorneys. She is very good at protecting the family, but could barely even stand to be in the same room with the third child. To be fair, her feelings were natural and justified - to an extent. Most of the other children reflected her feelings towards the third child, who became a pariah among his siblings. The second child was cruelly torn between his loyalty to his brother and to the rest of the family. The fourth child didn’t even bother to mask her contempt or outright hatred for her brother. Needless to say, with all the turmoil at home, the children, (especially the second and third children), began to frequently act out at school. Grades plummeted. Detentions, teacher conferences, and daily calls from the vice principal were commonplace. Both my “wife” and I became more anxious and frustrated with each passing day. Sometimes we’d take that frustration out on each other. The two middle boys became increasingly unruly. Finally, in desperation, she started researching other living alternatives for the two middle boys, even considering the foster care system. I was against it. I looked upon these kids as my own, after all, and I didn’t want some stranger raising them. Arguments between myself and my “wife” ensued, of course, but considering the tattered and ragged state of our own relationship, I posited the idea of moving out, and taking the two boys with me. It didn’t take much persuasion for her to agree. I rented a house not far away, and the boys and I have been living on our own since January. When we agreed upon this course, both of us testified to the other that we were not out looking for another partner; that we still loved each other, but that circumstances had made it impossible for us to be together. It just wasn’t working out. Something had to give. Despite all of our problems, I found moving out to be profoundly sad for me. After all, I had put my entire heart and soul into this relationship, into this family. I really, truly had wanted it to work, but now I feel like such a failure. I failed to keep this family together. Most of all, I failed God, and the memory of my brother. Since January, I’ve allowed myself to slip into deep depression. I’m overweight, and barely keep up with the most basic household needs. I don’t tell her this. When she asks, I just tell her everything’s fine, even when its obvious things are most definitely not fine. To be honest, I suspect she asks just to observe convention, because she accepts my answer and doesn’t pursue it further. In contrast to my own condition, she has actually lost weight, and seems to look better every time I see her. Certainly she seems less stressed. I’m ashamed to admit that I consider it completely unfair that she seems to be happier than me. What has really gotten me down, though is what happened last week. We talk probably once a week on the average, even if just to keep up with administrative business (“Oh, here’s some mail that came for you” etc.). Usually we do this while I’m on a cigarette break at work. On this occasion, we had finished and I was walking back inside. Her: “By the way, I wanted to let you know that I found someone, and he’s a ‘keeper’. He’s very busy; he’s got his own business and he knows I run my own show, and since he does his thing, and I do mine, we don’t get to see each other very much, so we were planning on a camping trip over the holidays this year. So I’ll probably have the boys over the week before we leave, ok? But I just wanted to let you know so that you are hearing it from me and not someone else, I wanted to be honest with you.” Me (dumbfounded): “So… you’ve introduced him to the kids?” Her: “Yes”. Cue the sound of my head exploding. WTF!! The body’s not even cold and she’s found a ‘keeper’?!! It hasn’t even been six months! I find it telling that she uses a fishing term, which implies that maybe there are others that she’s caught but thrown back. And what does that make me? Somehow this guy is a freekin’ KEEPER, but not me – not the man who changed his whole life just to be with her, to take care of her and raise these children as my own?!?! Since DAY BLOODY ONE, I’ve given everything I could to her. No I wasn’t perfect, sure I screwed up sometimes, but I always loved her and always did my best to support her and the kids. FOR MORE THAN FOUR YEARS. I’ve lost all perspective here – I feel like I’m in some kind of freaky alternate dimension that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Please, if you can, help me feel grounded again. When my little brother died, I felt my heart being ripped from me. But this – this feels worse than that.
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 SSomehow this guy is a freekin’ KEEPER, but not me – not the man who changed his whole life just to be with her, to take care of her and raise these children as my own?!?! Since DAY BLOODY ONE, I’ve given everything I could to her. No I wasn’t perfect, sure I screwed up sometimes, but I always loved her and always did my best to support her and the kids. FOR MORE THAN FOUR YEARS. I’ve lost all perspective here – I feel like I’m in some kind of freaky alternate dimension that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Please, if you can, help me feel grounded again. When my little brother died, I felt my heart being ripped from me. But this – this feels worse than that. Ok, let me try to put things into a thinkable form for you: First of all you have to distinguish what's practical, and what's emotional. The children are your nephews and nieces. They're blood relatives, and as such part of your life for good. She is a different issue. She has no ties to you, other than the obligatory emotional ones, but as their mother, is seeking something beyond herself to give her and them what she thinks is necessary: Warmth, shelter, security and affection. She believes this to be something she needs some other presence for. Whether this 'keeper' will be willing and able to see it through, time will tell, But it's her business, not yours. Your priority now, is you, and the children in your care. IN. THAT. ORDER. If you let yourself go, you'll become weak, lethargic, useless and completely redundant - and these kids need you. YOU need you. I don't think you loved her, and I don't think she ever loved you. You fell together out need, and your guilt. You supported her in order to pay back your brother for apparently neglecting him, and because your family was hostile to her, you felt it your duty to pick up the pieces. You don't say how old the children are - but you'd better get your head out of the dark place and focus your attention on where they matter. On you, and the children. get your act together, stop lying to yourself about how things are. The more lies you tell, the deeper in the sh8t you get. Stop beating yourself up about what has gone on in the past. You know why? it's irrelevant. It's gone, in the past and you can't change it. So there was so much crap. so what? That was then, this is now. Deal with it. Like a sane adult. There are young people relying on you.
Author Regular_Joe Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 Tara, Thank you so much for your response. Sometimes it's difficult to see the forest for the trees and I really appreciate your candor. It's the face full of cold water I needed. Gratefully,
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Wait, wait, wait, so was you sleeping with your deceased brothers wife??? Why?? Also why do the kids hate the third child??? is that you and hers kid? And also I didnt read anywhere you agreed to marry her. Which was a good thing. You became attached to the kids because you love them, but that's all there is. She isnt the right one for you and deep down inside you know it's better if you dont get together. I'd say bury your feelings, get rid of them for her and move on. Be happy you got a get outta jail free card. Why are you so hurt about this? Your gonna be happy in the long run.
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 yeah, I can be good at cold water, and sometimes it's got me into trouble. I've been "bytch-slapped" a few times because of it. But I really think you have to shake this off and get a grip on yourself. you took those boys for good reason. You have to continue and maintain that reason, or else you perpetuate the dysfunction, and become part of the problem. I realise losing someone you have been close to, devoted a lot of time to and built a life with, can rip you to shreds, pull your heart inside out and flail you alive. It hurts. Of course it hurts!! But hard as it may be, you have to face facts. You probably (probably??! ) got together for completely the wrong reasons. Now, it's over. Life isn't. Keep calm for now, and hold it together for the guys. Tell them that it was a hard relationship to keep together in the first place, but simply because their mum and you have gone your separate ways, this doesn't change the way you feel about them, and you will never do anything to let them down, or drop them. Then cook good meals, look after yourself, and start taking contorl of who you are. You're all you've got, and you're all they've got. On the face of it, two things are possible: One, is that this guy doesn't know what he's letting himself in for, and when the honeymoon period is over, will either stay the distance, or cut and run. If he stays, it's worth trying to considering him a potential ally, rather than a sworn enemy. The other is that (God forbid) he may have more issues and hang-ups than she does, and so they may be drawn to each other like two birds with a broken wing... they'll both try to flap, and fly together, but you know, it will be damaged. Your priority then (aside from keeping an eye on things) will be to protect the children. They need something solid in their lives, and right now, even though they might think it looks ok, promising, fun..... it could turn out to not be. make yourself that solid thing they turn to, in case it doesn't pan out. You owe them that. You owe you that. oh, and.... If you think you need to investigate any legal implications, bear that in mind.
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Wait, wait, wait, so was you sleeping with your deceased brothers wife??? Why?? Read the post again.....mainly guilt and protectiveness.... Also why do the kids hate the third child??? is that you and hers kid? No, they're all hers...something truly dreadful happened, but he hasn't said what. Doesn't need to, but it seems it was really heavy stuff..... And also I didnt read anywhere you agreed to marry her. Which was a good thing. You became attached to the kids because you love them, but that's all there is. He's their paternal Uncle!! That isn't all there is, they are related by blood to him.... She isnt the right one for you and deep down inside you know it's better if you dont get together. I'd say bury your feelings, get rid of them for her and move on. I wouldn't say 'bury'...I'd say vent, get them out, over and done with... and then move on.... Be happy you got a get outta jail free card. Hard to look at it like that when your eyes are bleeding, but I'd agree.... Why are you so hurt about this? Your gonna be happy in the long run. He's so hurt because it's such a mess. but I think the long run will be better, yeh.....
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