Relapse! Like an old friend I never really liked, the intense feelings are back. Why?

[Taucher]

So it's been 3 and a half months since she left me. First 2 months were hell. Last month has been better. Feeling better about myself, moving on etc.

 

However, in the last week, I feel like I am back to square one. This coincides with a two week period of NC. Coincidence or not? I'm not sure.

 

It is her birthday tomorrow. I am not planning on texting or sending a card.

 

I have been dreaming of her again, every night. That was something I hadn't done for ages too. On Friday night, I had nothing to do, so I watched a film. It was a bit of a soppy film and I am afraid to say I cried and cried and cried. Long after it finished too. On my own, in my room, thinking about her. It's strange because I am most definitely a non-crying man. I haven't cried like that since the day after she left me. And those are the only two times in my life.

 

I want her back so badly. So so much. NC is not a problem as I am kind of scared to hear from her.

 

Whats going on?

 

T

[Heartford]

These feelings coincide with the exchange you had with her about the money she owes you, right, that you made another post about wondering if she's trying to force you to contact her?

 

I'm sure that's why these feelings have resurfaced, because of that little tiny bit of communication. It's ok, it's normal-the healing process is a bumpy road, unfortunately. Hang in there!

[Taucher]

These feelings coincide with the exchange you had with her about the money she owes you, right, that you made another post about wondering if she's trying to force you to contact her?

 

I'm sure that's why these feelings have resurfaced, because of that little tiny bit of communication. It's ok, it's normal-the healing process is a bumpy road, unfortunately. Hang in there!

 

Hello thank you for replying. I should have explained. Actually, we have been emailing each other quite a lot about landlord/flat problems. About once or twice a week. I just decided to go full NC cos I was fed up with it.

 

So really, these feelings more coincide with me going NC. I think. She texted me about the flat a week before and I ignored it. However, I think it IS a bumpy road. I just cant see the bumps coming.

 

T

[Heartford]

Ok, it makes sense that your feelings are coinciding with you going full NC. It's hard to do that when we want them back (even when we know it's better not to get back with them, and we're doing it for the sake of our own sanity) because of the fears that go along with how they'll interpret our going silent on them.

 

So last thurs you got a text from her that you didn't reply to because it didn't really call for a reply, Friday you watched a soppy movie and cried, and her bday is tomorrow (memories, thoughts of the good time you "should" be having together on her bday), plus she hasn't given you the money like she said she would (making you further second guess your decision to go full NC). OF COURSE you're going to have a relapse!!! It's good and healthy to go thru all these ups and downs altho it doesn't feel like it. I'm sorry you're going thru this so acutely right now, it sucks.

[Taucher]

Ok, it makes sense that your feelings are coinciding with you going full NC. It's hard to do that when we want them back (even when we know it's better not to get back with them, and we're doing it for the sake of our own sanity) because of the fears that go along with how they'll interpret our going silent on them.

 

So last thurs you got a text from her that you didn't reply to because it didn't really call for a reply, Friday you watched a soppy movie and cried, and her bday is tomorrow (memories, thoughts of the good time you "should" be having together on her bday), plus she hasn't given you the money like she said she would (making you further second guess your decision to go full NC). OF COURSE you're going to have a relapse!!! It's good and healthy to go thru all these ups and downs altho it doesn't feel like it. I'm sorry you're going thru this so acutely right now, it sucks.

 

Exactly! You get it now, especially the bit where you say I am worried about how she may interpret me going NC. That does worry me, a lot. Will she contact me like so many do, or will she too dissappear. She did add meaningless questions on to the end of texts/emails about business relating to what I was doing that weekend etc. And on one phone call she said she 'knows' that I have a new girlfriend already. I didn't. Not even close to it. The thought of a new gf is unimaginable to me.

 

And how you describe what has been happening, I suppose it DOES make sense that I have gone a bit loopy. I want her back. I am trying to distance myself from my feelings and view them as merely 'interesting'.

 

This doesn't always work.

 

T

[Heartford]

I know what you mean about trying to distance yourself from your feelings and regard them as merely "interesting!" Sometimes we have that strength but other times it's too darn overwhelming. That's what's great about this forum, sometimes writing it out and reading other's takes on what you're going thru makes things so plain-even if all the pieces were right there in front of you, but you just couldn't see how they all fit together.

 

Anyway, I would probably guess that she is holding back on the money to try to get a response out of you. But WHY she wants contact with you is a whole other matter, and obviously is not in your best interest.

[irishsimon]

I think you're just in the withdrawl stage again after having some contact. I broke NC three time since my split and each time I have felt just like you when starting on that path again. It will pass if you can keep up with NC. And even f you can't it will probably not be as hard on you next time as each time you learn a little more and let go of a bit more of the pain.

 

All this contact is just picking at the scab. I know it all to well.

 

I've been doing lots of work with abandonment theory to help myself.

The stages are Shattering, Withdrawl, Internalising, Rage and Lifting. SWIRL. I think its a great acronym. Like my head feels when in th middle of it all. Each time I regress I notice I cycle through the stages much more quickly and recover faster so soon I will cope in the moment..I hope. Just keep this in mind.

 

Sorry if this sounds patronising.. its just a reminder...NC is for you so I would try not to worry about what she is thinking but I know it cant be helped sometimes. Worrying what it will make her think will just make you break it. I know it did that to me.

[fabulous_chk]

Don't beat yourself up for relapsing, i'm at my 6th month period and I still think about my ex a few times a day. I'd feel sad for a few minutes, then forget about it and him.

 

 

You will not want her back in a few months, I promise you. Pain goes away, memory lingers, but you simply become tired of living in the past and you move on.

[Sbrizio]

However, in the last week, I feel like I am back to square one. This coincides with a two week period of NC. Coincidence or not? I'm not sure.

 

It is her birthday tomorrow. I am not planning on texting or sending a card.

 

I have been dreaming of her again, every night. That was something I hadn't done for ages too. On Friday night, I had nothing to do, so I watched a film. It was a bit of a soppy film and I am afraid to say I cried and cried and cried. Long after it finished too. On my own, in my room, thinking about her. It's strange because I am most definitely a non-crying man. I haven't cried like that since the day after she left me. And those are the only two times in my life.

 

 

 

There are a lot of things which could affect your ups and downs...the birthday is the most noticeable one, as well as the enduring NC.

Whatever the dynamics which links these facts to your feelings, the best thing is probably to accept that for a little while things have to suck...you're doing the right thing, at least in terms of actions. Your mind is not yet there, it will follow.

 

I want her back so badly. So so much. NC is not a problem as I am kind of scared to hear from her.

 

I feel exactly the same.

 

1) you don't want to call her: I believe it's a good thing, you're beginning to stand on your feet again - you don't want her to perturbe further your healing. You're regaining some force and some willpower.

 

2) wanting her back. Me too, as hell.

Still, we have now the force to distinguish between what we "desire" and what we "do".

IMHO this means being a man (in the sense of adult, sorry for the ladies).

 

Let's stick to this..

[GrayClouds]

Actually, we have been emailing each other quite a lot about landlord/flat problems. About once or twice a week.

 

Even this contact keeps false hope alive. The mind is tricky and will hang on to that false hope until you stop feeding it. The email's kept it on life support, NC is pulling the plug so now your feeling hope dieing.