LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Women generally don't leave otherwise comfortable marriages and demote themselves down to part time mothers with decreased income for the f*ck of it. They sure as hell don't do it so that they can be older single mothers competing with twenty somethings with no baggage in the dating market, and facing a future alone. They do it because there is a man out there waiting for them to leave. Its that whole monkey thing. She isn't going to let go a firm steady vine just to drop off into an uncertain abyss. She is going to wait until she feels another vine to hold on to and then let go of yours. I can tell you this: she would not be leaving if she wasn't convinced that some other man is there waiting for her. The flush of new love and passion sweetens the pot, and makes leaving seem to make sense. No woman in her right mind would choose older, single, struggling, divorced parenthood unless her marriage was so apocalyptically bad that struggling as a single parent was a better option.
floridapad Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 My wife explained away so much during the beginning and middle of her affair. Me being stupid though, I wanted to believe her so I let it go. One night I got lucky and looked at her phone and saw an e-mail to the OM signed, "lots of love me". Get a key logger. I caught her the second time with my iphone. I through it under her seat when she said she was going out shopping by herself. Tracked my phone and her car all the way to the guys apartment.Great satelite view of the parking spot. I called her on her phone and asked where she was and started dropping hints that I could see her. That was the day we seperated. I will give you one huge piece of advice though. Start focusing on an approach with her if you do find out. Trust me, once you find out you will be in an emotional roller coaster that will not stop for a LONG time and you will do and say things that you may later regret (like blubbering or crying like I did the first time I found out). Try to get a game plan. Plan for the worst and hope for the best, but always find the truth. You need to do this now before the A gets more involved and you lose her for good.
Author giantfan Posted September 6, 2009 Author Posted September 6, 2009 A couple of people have mentioned key loggers. Any suggestions of what program you may have used?
floridapad Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 Webwatchernow.com. Very good. You can view it remotely as well. It is rather creepy. Be careful what you ask for though. It can be pretty painful reading the stuff. Prepare yourself emotionally and mentally and don't tell her you did the keylogger or read her e-mail, EVER. Don't use the evidence found on the keylogger to expose her. Use the keylogger as a way to find out how to cacth her without her knowing you have put on a keylogger. If she is meeting him somewhere then miraculously show up and say "wow I didn't know you would be here". Yes she will give you the freind stuff but don't use the keylogger as evidence until you are TRULY ready for divorce. I know you will want to show her because she will deny deny deny and it will drive you insane that she could lie in such a way (if she truly is!) But don't let her know. Trust me on this.
GrayClouds Posted September 6, 2009 Posted September 6, 2009 A couple of people have mentioned key loggers. Any suggestions of what program you may have used? Sorry but if your doing a key logger it is already over, your saying she can not be trusted. An emotional affair can be just as destructive as a physical one.
WTFO Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 Yup. Facebook got me too. The STBXW reunited with an "old H.S" friend and whamo. Goodbye 8 yr wedding. I think it was the final straw that broke the camels back. She explained to me in 2007 she was "unhappy" Now are would be anniversary is in a few days and don't know how to react. This month is gonna hurt a little extra. So yea, Facebook did it for me as well.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 where facebook didn't do me in (it was mostly a "bestfriend") there is still one odd thing for me...in two weeks J went from "I don't want to remember those H.S. days at all and I don't care about those people"...to right before he moved out trying to show me all the people he found and relating pictures with stories...I asked "why does it matter?" and he got P'Od. WTFO- J was watching his roommates kids and couldn't have dinner on our anniversary...oh and he thought our anniversary was 3 days later LOL...It is gonna hurt on the anniversary so I reccommend getting with some friends and doing something active (laser tag? golf? bowling?)or a movie to occupy your mind...
ryepatch Posted September 9, 2009 Posted September 9, 2009 just want to play devil's advocate here for a minute. . . i'm sure all of you are right. . . but although i never thought my wife would leave me, i knew she was passive aggressive and i sometimes worried she'd cheat on me, and so from time to time when she got really depressed and strange and distant i'd read her journal or go through her purse, and although she didn't totally know about it, my mistrust caused us some problems. . . she started sneaking around just to carve out some space, and this allowed her to leave without me suspecting it even two days before. but she never had an affair, and didn't leave me for anyone else. if you wife will go to MC, i'd suggest that. . . it seems like addressing whatever problems caused her to look outside of the marriage (not just temptation) is more fundamental than you being able to prove she's having an affair. also, she could use the fact that you snooped to excuse her own behaviour. again, just throwing it out there.
WTFO Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 .It is gonna hurt on the anniversary so I reccommend getting with some friends and doing something active (laser tag? golf? bowling?)or a movie to occupy your mind... Funny thing is that I took the day off last year on my work schedule to get away for a nice 3 day wknd with her and no kids for our Anniversary. NOW.. Im driving with my father to see my brother in a far away state. At least ill be with some of my family,and every little counts on that day.
Author giantfan Posted September 10, 2009 Author Posted September 10, 2009 I just cant find it in me to snoop around. I have always been 100% true and somehow it makes me feel guilty just thinking about it. I guess what will be will be no matter what happens. What an emotional roller coaster.
Owl Posted September 10, 2009 Posted September 10, 2009 One thought for you, Giantfan. If you change nothing...nothing will change. Are you willing to accept things as they are today as the way that things will remain going forward? If so, no problem. If not...then how do you propose to change the situation?
Author giantfan Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Update Both have decided to go to mc. I thought I would be the one doing all the talking but both of us have. I wish we would have done this sooner. It is amazing to see how the mc helps us communicate and I hope that we can not only survive but come out stronger. The counselor has justified both of our feelings and when 1 of us says something that seems dumb or when 1 of us dismmisses the others feelings she points out that it is a valid feeling. What a rollercoaster ride this is and as of right now we both have been getting along great. I think what helps us is that we both are not selfish and we got help before it really got ugly. Thanks for all the support I really needed it bad and still do. Hope I can give something back to this forum.
snowmobile77 Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Giantfan, it's never too late to get things back together as long as both of you want to work on it. I didn't see the warning signs early enough in my case. My wife became addicted to FB, MySpace, and trashy romance novels. I did some snooping and found a message to her friend where she even stated that those three things were not helping her situation out as far as how she felt for me and worse how she felt about an old HS flame. Of course, I worked on it as much as I could, but in the end she's been lying to me for several years about how she felt or rather how she didn't feel. Our divorce is final in about 60 days. Today is only a couple weeks shy of 12 years of marriage. One thing to keep in mind while you're reading all of our sad stories is that as long as you both want to work on it there is a chance. All you can really do is what you can do and nothing else. Do what you're doing and relearn how to communicate with each other. That's the most important piece of the puzzle in my opinion. Good luck and God bless.
Author giantfan Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 My wife just admitted her affair. I am now a mess. She told me everything and says she is truly sorry and wants to work it out.
Butterflair Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 oh wow, you actually got the truth and almost a year later. Go back to MC and make sure you get it all worked out, everything. After my husband's first (that I know about) affair we didn't do that, we just glossed over and went back to our lives. Huge mistake, I never forgot, I still had anger and the trust was broken. Fast forward 15 years later, I'm now getting divorced because of another affair. Just make sure you talk all of it out and she has to hear it and apologize and help you deal with it. That's the only way to continue.
LittleTiger Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 a year later? what made her tell a year later? I suspect the affair's being going on all this time and it's only just ended. So all of sudden she's sorry and wants forgiveness and 'wants to work it out'. I'm so sorry giantfan. I think you need to get the whole truth out of her and then make a decision if you still want this to work. On the plus side, at least now you know for sure and she's finally stopped lying to you.
Author giantfan Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I suspect the affair's being going on all this time and it's only just ended. So all of sudden she's sorry and wants forgiveness and 'wants to work it out'. Her freind got caught cheating. She tells me about it and I couldnt believe my ears. She was trying to justify her friends actions. Totally out of character. I knew then that she was going to tell me about her affair. She told me the whole story. I kept my own integritiy through this. All my suspicions were 100% accurate and I didn't even need to snoop or follow her. Another Facebook story. Old friend, start chatting, next it was call me, then lets meet for lunch and from there it was an emotional and physical affair. She has come clean. Her own guilt will hurt her more than I can or want to. Its amazing how many fights that we had that she let us fight, sometimes in front of the kids, knowing that I was right. It lasted 5 to 6 months and she ended it when he wanted to leave his terrible marraige and she told him that she was not leaving hers. When she first started on FB chatting with him, I laid out exactly what was going to happen. Poor me was going to hear "I dont know how this happened". She told me that she wants her family. I told her she just wants her kids. She says no I want my entire family, I love you. Now I need to ruin the other guys marraige. He knows that I know and is panicking.
hopesndreams Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 she ended it when he wanted to leave his terrible marraige How sure are you of this? Best talk to OM's W. She might be surprised to find how "terrible" her M is. Maybe she already knew? You will get more facts after you contact her. Knowledge is power. Without the truth, there is no way to recover your M, if that's what you want to do.
linwood Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Sorry giantsfan but I think you should have gotten the keylogger. Would have saved a lot of time and pain.
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