MistyK Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 And why being one is something that many BSs don't think they'd want to have a hand in doing to someone else. Surely you don't think jj33 and I dreamed of being an OW as little girls. Three years ago I could have said the same thing - no way - never, ever. And I really believed it. Sometimes things happen in our lives that we don't expect. It's not something either I or jj33 are proud of.
NoIDidn't Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Surely you don't think jj33 and I dreamed of being an OW as little girls. Three years ago I could have said the same thing - no way - never, ever. And I really believed it. Sometimes things happen in our lives that we don't expect. It's not something either I or jj33 are proud of. Misty I can't help but think that you read everything with a filter that's just looking for something to take offense to. Its a very fruitful undertaking apparently. I didn't say any of what you said, and you didn't even bother to consider the context that it was written in. Given what I know now, I would not want to have a hand in doing something like that to someone else. I am certain that very few *normal* people ever grow up with that desire. You'll get more out of this site if you stop looking for offense.
MistyK Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I can't help but think that you read everything with a filter that's just looking for something to take offense to. Its a very fruitful undertaking apparently. I didn't say any of what you said, and you didn't even bother to consider the context that it was written in. Given what I know now, I would not want to have a hand in doing something like that to someone else. I am certain that very few *normal* people ever grow up with that desire. You'll get more out of this site if you stop looking for offense. To be honest NID, some of what it happening with me IRL has me extra-defensive. It feels like I will forever be branded with the OW (wh*re) tag. I'm honestly giving some thought to moving away, but practically speaking, I can't.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 MistyK, Girl, forgive yourself and move forward. Don't run away. Just get up and keep going, no reason to start over. People have set backs of all kinds all the time. The ones that don't move forward are the ones that didn't learn or grow from the experience.
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 To be honest NID, some of what it happening with me IRL has me extra-defensive. It feels like I will forever be branded with the OW (wh*re) tag. I'm honestly giving some thought to moving away, but practically speaking, I can't. (((Misty))) Sounds like you are still having a hard time IRL. Wanna talk about it in a PM or another thread?
fooled once Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 To be honest NID, some of what it happening with me IRL has me extra-defensive. It feels like I will forever be branded with the OW (wh*re) tag. I'm honestly giving some thought to moving away, but practically speaking, I can't. Misty, like a few others, I tend to agree that you look for things to get irritated at. I think until you settle what is going on in your life, you are going to be ultra sensitive and defensive. No one said you or jj33 desired to be a OW when you grew up. BUT, you started a relationship with a MM. You knew he was married when you began an A. And aren't you still with him or waiting for him? Did you finally stop taking his calls, stop being his sounding board, stop being the one to show him how to properly divorce? Are you still waiting in the wings for him? If so, then I see why you are so defensive and hurt. The OP stated at the top of her thread that she was hurting today and it was a rough day -- she just needed to vent. Nothing wrong with that. She did it on this board vs the OM/OW board. She, like everyone, is entitled to her vent/feelings and if you found her post to be hurtful or if it touched a nerve, you could have easily have just moved on and not responded. I think personally as we all grow and change, we learn new things about ourselves. I know for ME - and this post was about personal views - I could not cheat on my H because: 1. that isn't what I do. I am faithful 2. I love him; if I fell out of love with him I would either work on fixing that or get a divorce 3. I don't like to share
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 To be honest NID, some of what it happening with me IRL has me extra-defensive. It feels like I will forever be branded with the OW (wh*re) tag. I'm honestly giving some thought to moving away, but practically speaking, I can't. Stop. Just stop. DO NOT EVER call yourself a wh*re. Forgive yourself Misty. And please, the negative thoughts and name calling to yourself is just going to make you feel worse. It's like a vicious circle, a perminate PMS cycle... Somehow you have to pull yourself out of it and ease up.. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith and (again) no more putting yourself down.
mnm Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Just wanted to add one more thing. There have been times in my 13 years of marriage when I felt 2nd best, only a priority when it was convenient for him. My H did what he wanted when he wanted with no thought to how I felt. (He grew out of it until this happened). Never once did I think about straying away, I could have easily. I could have wallowed in self pity, "he's never home, he doesn't care", but deep inside I knew what kind of person he was and eventually he would straighten up. But I took my vows seriously, never thought/looked twice at someone else because I didn't want to get into a situation like that. I've been in the position feeling needy, but never have/would act on that.
OWoman Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 BS only? I thought anyone could post here. Nope, that's the OW board... Try to stay with the programme, JJ...
Woggle Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I know what it feels like to be betrayed and I would never do it to another person.
Owl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Originally Posted by jj33 BS only? I thought anyone could post here. Originally posted by Owoman Nope, that's the OW board... Try to stay with the programme, JJ... Not at all. Everyone remains welcome to post whatever they want where ever they want. Of course, if you post as an OW/OM in this forum, you're signing up to take the same beating as any BS posting over on the OW/OM forum does. What is surprising about that?
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I know what it feels like to be betrayed and I would never do it to another person. This is the simple theme of this thread. What I find most interesting is that the WSs seem to have respected the theme of the thread, and the OPs.....Well, let's just say they didn't. I am sure I will take some heat for that statement, but its an honest observation.
MistyK Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 This is the simple theme of this thread. What I find most interesting is that the WSs seem to have respected the theme of the thread, and the OPs.....Well, let's just say they didn't. Exactly, the theme is: why we (BS) would NEVER do what you (WS/OP) do (a bad thing). I can't help but feel that's value judgement on the rest of us. But this IS the Infidelity forum, so I totally expect that. This amounts to 3 pages of self-righteous proclamation and all I wanted to point out is that it's really easy to say what we would or wouldn't do - I would have said the same a few years ago, that I'd NEVER be a WS or OW, but none of that matters now does it? Honestly, what is the point of this thread? None of us can predict the future, but if it makes you all feel better to build up a pedestal from which you can look down at the those of us who have failed/weaker morals/whatever it is you think, then have at it. But it's not all that surprising that it might be offensive to us "bad" people.
Owl Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Again Misty...you're taking it as a judgement on YOU, personally. No one here aimed it at you, called you out, or otherwise even directed you to come check out or particpate in the thread. You're welcome to do so, of course, but in all honesty YOU are the one taking it personally, when to the majority of us its pretty clear that it's not. Here's my take...I don't believe that I'll ever cheat on my wife simply because I wouldn't want to put her through the HELL I went through as a result of her affair. But you know what...I don't believe my wife will ever cheat on me again because she wouldn't want to put me through that HELL again either. I'm not saying I'm a better person than her, you, or anyone else. What I'm saying is that I've learned a LOT about relationships as a result of all of this. And that I've simply been very aware of the risks of allowing myself to get too close to other women in the first place...it's not a "I'm better than her or you" thing...it's a "I was simply more aware of the risks than she was, and I've learned a lot as a result of her affair since then" thing. It's not a personal assessment of the flaws of an OW...but you seem bound and determined to take it that way.
redtail Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 But it's not all that surprising that it might be offensive to us "bad" people. Misty, I don't think that I can get to a politically correct place where I will feel a need to make some one who's done a "bad" thing (as you put it) feel better about their deed. You should be able to understand that. Understand that I in no way condemn you, but I do condemn the act. In my humble opinion, there's a huge difference.
MistyK Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Misty, I don't think that I can get to a politically correct place where I will feel a need to make some one who's done a "bad" thing (as you put it) feel better about their deed. You should be able to understand that. Of course. You shouldn't feel you have to tell someone "good job" when they're screwing up. Understand that I in no way condemn you, but I do condemn the act. In my humble opinion, there's a huge difference. Yes there is a big difference.
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Exactly, the theme is: why we (BS) would NEVER do what you (WS/OP) do (a bad thing). I can't help but feel that's value judgement on the rest of us. But this IS the Infidelity forum, so I totally expect that. This amounts to 3 pages of self-righteous proclamation and all I wanted to point out is that it's really easy to say what we would or wouldn't do - I would have said the same a few years ago, that I'd NEVER be a WS or OW, but none of that matters now does it? Honestly, what is the point of this thread? None of us can predict the future, but if it makes you all feel better to build up a pedestal from which you can look down at the those of us who have failed/weaker morals/whatever it is you think, then have at it. But it's not all that surprising that it might be offensive to us "bad" people. <hands on hips> I thought we already spoke about this! This thread is not about YOU or any other WSs. It is about the BSs. Now if you continue to choose to see things through this victim stance, that is your choice. I can't understand the thought that anyone hear is putting themselves on a pedestal. I don't see it. But then again, I am not looking for offense.
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 ... but I do condemn the act. In my humble opinion, there's a huge difference. Which is what the posters here are doing - condemning the act. We won't do those actions. We aren't saying we couldn't be that *person* personally.
silktricks Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 3 reasons, huh??? 1. Because I did it twice.... (once as MP, once as OW) and couldn't look at myself in the mirror for years afterward. Once I faced the issues inside of myself that caused the actions I knew I would never again make the choices that led to the cheating. 2. I love my husband, and wouldn't want to see him hurt 3. The only thing I want people to say about me after I die is "she was an honest and honorable woman." MistyK & JJ - stop beating yourself up. No one is any "better" than anyone else. Often people make bad choices. I personally choose to call them "mistakes" though many people do not. But everyone makes them - call them errors in judgement or sins or mistakes or what have you. The trick isn't to not make "mistakes", the trick is to learn from them without needing to repeat those same mistakes too many times. Some people never make the "mistake" of having an affair - some do. Some people think they NEVER will and are correct. Some aren't. I can guarantee you, even if they've never had an affair, people have made other mistakes - possibly ones that have injured even more people even more disastrously - just in a manner more "approved" by society, or maybe ones they've successfully kept hidden. I don't believe I am better than you, nor do I believe you are better than I. We 're just people... passing through life, trying our best, and failing some percent of the time. Anyone who acts like they are better could be working on some problem that makes them feel like sh*t... so they put you down. Don't let them. Keep in mind that they've got problems, too. Maybe even worse ones than your own.
fooled once Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Again Misty...you're taking it as a judgement on YOU, personally. No one here aimed it at you, called you out, or otherwise even directed you to come check out or particpate in the thread. You're welcome to do so, of course, but in all honesty YOU are the one taking it personally, when to the majority of us its pretty clear that it's not. Here's my take...I don't believe that I'll ever cheat on my wife simply because I wouldn't want to put her through the HELL I went through as a result of her affair. But you know what...I don't believe my wife will ever cheat on me again because she wouldn't want to put me through that HELL again either. I'm not saying I'm a better person than her, you, or anyone else. What I'm saying is that I've learned a LOT about relationships as a result of all of this. And that I've simply been very aware of the risks of allowing myself to get too close to other women in the first place...it's not a "I'm better than her or you" thing...it's a "I was simply more aware of the risks than she was, and I've learned a lot as a result of her affair since then" thing. It's not a personal assessment of the flaws of an OW...but you seem bound and determined to take it that way. I totally agree with Owl. Misty, you are the one judging yourself and calling yourself all these names, yet implying others are the ones doing it. Remember, take what you need for the boards and leave the rest. If it is too hard for you to hear what others think, maybe skip the post.
foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Exactly, the theme is: why we (BS) would NEVER do what you (WS/OP) do (a bad thing). I can't help but feel that's value judgement on the rest of us. But this IS the Infidelity forum, so I totally expect that. This amounts to 3 pages of self-righteous proclamation and all I wanted to point out is that it's really easy to say what we would or wouldn't do - I would have said the same a few years ago, that I'd NEVER be a WS or OW, but none of that matters now does it? Honestly, what is the point of this thread? None of us can predict the future, but if it makes you all feel better to build up a pedestal from which you can look down at the those of us who have failed/weaker morals/whatever it is you think, then have at it. But it's not all that surprising that it might be offensive to us "bad" people. I am not sure how my answer to this post was self-righteous? "I'd like to think I'd NEVER cheat, but I cannot honestly say I would not, never ever... With that being said, I believe my love of myself would prevent me from becoming involved with someone else while married to my H. I validate myself. Cheating does not jive with this philosophy, for me. As far as being an OW to a MM- now that is much more unlikely, however, again, I can't say never, but highly unlikely... Why? B/c I have a big ego. The thought of sharing my man with another woman?! Willingly and knowingly??!! OH HELL NO. I would avoid being any man's mistress- to me that is worse than being a BS...at least as a BS I am the beneficiary to his life insurance, 401k, etc etc. As a mistress I'd be a beneficiary of only his whims...no thanks." Anyone is capable of cheating. Just like we are all capable of picking our noses in public.
redtail Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Anyone is capable of cheating. Just like we are all capable of picking our noses in public. If we needed a hammer to beat people up, there are better ways to do that. I agree with Foreal, the intent (at least in my mind) was never an attempt to take the high ground with this thread. Everybody has their weaknesses, boundaries, etc, far be it from me to judge the actions and/or motives of others. But what I don't understand is, our capabilities is not what defines us, it's our choices. We all have the capability to do a lot of things, so what? There are some things I can say never to. I in no way make assumptions of worth just because my convictions are different than those who can not make that claim.
Author datura_noir Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 I didn't want to "post and run", I found out why I was feeling so low....I had come down with the flu-they tested me and heard Friday that it is not H1N1, thank God! I am sorry this post offended some, but I believe I posted in the correct forum and for the sole reason to have BS's responses and reflections. I am sure that a few who took it as an attack (Mistyk, jj33) could start their own thread or add to this one as to why they would never become involved with a married person ever again, and that is all I was trying to convey. Having said that, I am going back to my couch/nest and let my nauseatingly healthy husband bring me some juice and rub my feet......
Dexter Morgan Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 I didn't want to "post and run", I found out why I was feeling so low....I had come down with the flu-they tested me and heard Friday that it is not H1N1, thank God! I am sorry this post offended some dont sweat it, the ones that are offended dont seem to mind when they do it to BS's.
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