I think I'm overly jealous and desperately want to change!

[walthercunninghamn]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. She's 25 and I'm 24. I'm crazy about her and I would do anything for her. The long and the short of it is I know she loves me too, but some of her behavior is a little hurtful. I don't really have any mature friends that I can talk to about this and I just need a bit of help getting to this state of mind.

 

A little of my history:

-I was a dog before I met her. I never led anyone on, but I had quite a few one night stands and booty calls before I met my girlfriend. She's basically my first real girlfriend.

 

Her history:

-She had 1 boyfriend throughout most of high school and college. He was controlling and she cheated on him/broke up with him.

-After breaking up with him, she went through a phase, like I did, in which she had a few regular booty calls but no serious boyfriend.

-1 of the booty calls she'd had was my best friend.

-1 of the booty calls she'd had was her favorite musician.

 

The trouble is I feel like she's inconsiderate of my feelings.

 

Right off the bat, early in the relationship, she told me that she has a hard time expressing her feelings. Her family doesn't say, "I love you" to one another and she's more comfortable playfully joking around. I thought this was understandable. Not everyone is all lovey-dovey.

 

She'd told me from the very beginning, "I'm over my ex, but since he's known me and my family for so long...he's always going to be a part of my life." I told her I didn't have a problem with it. My reasoning was, when someone is a part of your life for that long, it's not unfair to want to remain in contact with them, even if the ex isn't completely over the break-up.

 

She'd told me that she hooked up with her favorite musician but that she never took it seriously because she knew that's all she was to him, a booty call. I told her I didn't have a problem with it. My rationale was that if I were a single man I wouldn't turn Megan Fox down.

 

The things that make me insecure:

-She has tons of pictures all over her room of her, her friends, and her ex. We've been together for a year, but she has no photos of me posted.

-She has tons of signed posters on her walls with this musician's picture everywhere. She also has a framed, signed pair of panties on her desk. Again, no pictures or mementos of me.

-We went to Miami for the weekend. While in Miami we saw her favorite musician. In order to get into the venue, she sent a text to this musician and got put on his guest list. While at the concert, she spent the majority of the time snapping photos of said musician and trying to get his attention after the show so she could say goodbye. The next morning, after the concert, she called her ex and was on the phone with him for 20 minutes while I got dressed.

-She cannot spend more than 10 minutes in my company without making fun of me. I have a self-deprecating sense of humor, so I'm fine with it. In fact, I usually one-up her in terms of making fun of myself. That's not the problem. The problem is that she never balances it out with compliments even though I always make a point of telling her that she looks nice. Honestly, in the year we've been dating...she's maybe complimented me 20 times. (One, "I like the way that shirt looks on you" every other week is a bit generous.)

 

I have total faith in my girlfriend, despite her track record. What she's done in the past is none of my business. I know that relationships can be tricky and I'm cool with her being friends with her ex. The last thing I want is to be overly controlling. I mean, my own track record isn't perfect, but I'm totally faithful to her. I'm as sure as can be that she's has not and will not cheat on me. She's introduced me to her friends and immediate family and taken me to family functions, so I know I'm loved. Her cousin tells me she considers me part of the family now...I just feel like there is a lack of consideration.

 

But I make sure I never ogle any women in her presence, out of respect for her feelings. I always make a point of telling her how nice she looks. She just sometimes makes me feel like I'm 2-inches tall. Am I being insecure and immature or do you think I'm justified in feeling hurt by some of this?

[You'reasian]

Tell her upfront that you don't like how she puts you down and that you find it unnatractive.

 

This could go alot of directions: she could counter-accuse or she could listen and deal with the issue.

 

If she counter-accuses, it kind of speaks for itself...

[walthercunninghamn]

Thank you, You'reasian. Pardon my naiveté, but like I said, I'm a relationship newbie. I kind of messed up this morning. I woke up beside her and in my infinite groggy-wisdom, I mentioned in passing that sometimes she makes me feel bad. Fortunately, I didn't give her too many specifics and promised to have a good talk with her after work tonight.

 

For a while now I've felt like her sense of humor, while GREAT in reasonable doses, can be too much. She's very conditioned to teasing everybody the way she does, but I know she's willing to make an effort to tone it down.

 

I can definitely tell her that this is what I meant when I said sometimes she hurts my feelings. The trouble is I feel like the past romances/current relationships she has with these guys are the real meat and potatoes of my problem. I know that the past is the past, but it's the level of contact she maintains now, that makes me feel insecure. Though, her put-downs are certainly a contributing factor to my overall disposition and help to create doubts about the relationship.

[Dina2208]

Hey there! I read your thread, and I wouldn't consider this ordeal jealousy. It seems like her past is still kinda lingering within her, and her attitude is reflecting it. I think her put-downs are not a very nice aspect. It's one thing to make fun of someone using a HEALTHY sense of humor, but doing it constantly will hurt, because it starts to get old and annoying. I think shes lacking in showing affection. Everyone wants to feel loved, and its kinda sad like you said that she has only complimented you about 20 times in a year of your relationship.

 

Overall, I think you should really sit down and talk to her about how you feel, because honesty and an open communication is a vital thing to maintain a healthy relationship. She needs to get her priorities straight regarding relationships. I'm totally with you on this one bud. Please share any comments, or feedback if you do sit down and have a chat! =)