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Posted

Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm 25 and my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 1.5 years and she is perfect. I envision marrying her and having the white picket fence, 2 kids, dog named Spot, etc.

 

My problem is that lately I've been struggling with dealing with my past. She is only my second. I don't know how many people she has been with but based on her stories I imagine a lot. I was painfully shy through high school and college. It was only during grad school that I started to become more confident and able to attract women. As a result I feel like I missed out on so much. To be honest I wish I was more promiscuous during my younger years and am a little bit....angry that I don't have those wild experience that everyone else had before finding "the one." And before anyone jumps down my throat I do realize that there are people that would kill to have what I have right now, I just don't know how to reconcile my feelings.

 

Has anyone had any experience with these feelings? Does anyone regret not sowing their wild oats?

Posted

It's a pretty common feeling, I suspect. But at the same time, it does pose some danger to your relationship, depending on how strong these feelings are.

 

I was married at 21. Had a few partners before that, but nothing that would qualify me as 'stud' material. I had a few thoughts along the lines of those you're describing, but like most things it comes down to a choice: stick with the relationship or break it off and sow those oats. Once you make a decision, don't look back. Forget regrets or "could've beens". I have a (usually) wonderful marriage. Even with the parenthetical qualifier, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

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Posted

Yeah, I realize I have two choices. It just feels really unfortunate (I'm really trying to not sound like a dick) that I'm on the marriage track right when I'm at a level emotionally with confidence to go out and have those wild times that everyone seems to have had.

 

I don't want to lose her because she is so great and is a quality person. It's a case of wanting ones cake and eating it too.

Posted

Even those of us who do feel like we partied pretty hard in college (like me) have some regrets and wonder if we could have slept with this girl, if this girl ever liked them, or what would have happened if they went here instead of there. At the end of the day, life doesnt go back, it goes forward. If youre happy where you are in your life, and enjoy what youve got, who cares if you could have done more? I cant even remember most of the girls I slept with in college, honestly, and I can assure you that they dont have any impact on my life today. I would have traded being wild for having someone in a heartbeat, and still would.

 

And dont worry about what she did. For girls in college, in my experience, its just so easy. If youre half way decent, you dont pay for a single drink and you can pretty much go home with anyone you want. I would take advantage, too. She didnt even know you at the time, and she doesnt have STD's or kids - everything is A-ok my man.

 

I think we all have regrets, but its best not to let them get the best of you. You make your own path in life, and sometimes it doesnt seem to go everywhere you want, but if you end up in the right place at the end, thats all that counts.

Posted

You know you can't be a cake-eater, not and maintain any kind of integrity (that is, if you're referring to trying to have both at the same time). Make the choice. If I were you, though, I'd pick the quality individual who'd make a good wife over hypothetical wild times, which may not turn out to be that wild or fun after all.

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Posted

No I would never cheat on her. The two options I was talking about were dumping her or staying and dealing with missing the boat.

Posted
No I would never cheat on her. The two options I was talking about were dumping her or staying and dealing with missing the boat.

 

If you walk away from a woman who you consider marrige materials, you'll be sorry. Trust me. And what happens when those wild times you thought you were going to have dont turn out to be so wild?

 

You even give this girl the impression that youre thinking this way and she'll rightfully dump you. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

Posted
You even give this girl the impression that youre thinking this way and she'll rightfully dump you.

 

Absolutely right, and deserving of some extra emphasis.

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Posted

Yeah, I haven't spoken with her about it which is why I'm here. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't go over so well, a bit like the Therapy scene in the movie Old School. I realize that if I left there is a chance that I may regret it forever. But will I regret forever not being with more women?

Posted
No I would never cheat on her. The two options I was talking about were dumping her or staying and dealing with missing the boat.

 

 

Trust me, once you get on the boat, you will realized you should have stayed on the dock.

 

Finding a quality partner is so hard these days; if you have the magic, don't waste it. You will regret it.

Posted
Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm 25 and my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 1.5 years and she is perfect. I envision marrying her and having the white picket fence, 2 kids, dog named Spot, etc.

 

My problem is that lately I've been struggling with dealing with my past. She is only my second. I don't know how many people she has been with but based on her stories I imagine a lot. I was painfully shy through high school and college. It was only during grad school that I started to become more confident and able to attract women. As a result I feel like I missed out on so much. To be honest I wish I was more promiscuous during my younger years and am a little bit....angry that I don't have those wild experience that everyone else had before finding "the one." And before anyone jumps down my throat I do realize that there are people that would kill to have what I have right now, I just don't know how to reconcile my feelings.

 

Has anyone had any experience with these feelings? Does anyone regret not sowing their wild oats?

 

I know exactly how you feel... i was shy from 10th grade-college, sadly though only because i was taking prozac which kills your sex drive, and in my case it killed my confidence also... i just had no clue it was prozac making me feel like that. anyway, i would not tell her you are her second just yet. i would wait a long time to tell her, if ever. just go with the flow and dont think about her past partners cause that will drive you crazy... ive been there

 

and dont worry that you didnt get laid all the time in school. your somewhat of a late bloomer, thats cool. you'll be experiencing all the good things everyone else experienced a long time ago

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Posted

She knows she's my second. We've had plenty of sex.

Posted
She knows she's my second. We've had plenty of sex.

 

 

oh wow that's cool, i would never of told her lol. but dont get fooled that you love her just because of sex... when you first start having sex, its very easy to think you have found "the one" when in reality you just love how close and intimate you feel with another human being.

 

not saying this is your case but ive seen a lot of guys fall head over heels because of sex

Posted

VanShe, you're a young guy, so listen to the following advice carefully, from much older, wiser guys:

 

Your two options are not mutually exclusive.

 

In other words, go ahead, eat your cake. Then have some more on the side, discreetly.

Posted
She knows she's my second. We've had plenty of sex.

 

That will all change once you get married.

 

I hate to say this... but I think you need to go out and get more experience. This hits you times 100 when you turn 40!

 

Those feelings will never, ever go away... they only magnify with time.

 

Also... if this girl is so great then she should understand!

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