Is this another emotional affair?

[missysv]

Hi everyone! I am new and have read a ton of threads on here! I became a member last year when my husband had an emotional affair but never posted. I thought my H and I had worked everything out only to find out later that he never quit texting the OW. He also had a secret e-mail account for only her to e-mail him. I blew my stack and told him that I couldn't take it anymore! It wasn't fair what he was doing to me and our family! He assured me that he was done. No more e-mail or texting or any of that.

 

This last March I found a text from the same OW. It was just a joke is what he said. He said that he would forward her jokes and she would send him jokes too. Again I was very upset because I said he just liked keeping the connection open with her. At about this same time he all of a sudden decided that he had to open a facebook page. He connected with multiple girlfriends from high school. When I confronted him he told me that he was just wondering what happened to all of his old friends. It struck me as odd that he was only looking up FEMALE friends.

 

Everything finally exploded when we had a cell phone bill of $800 because he had sent too many text messages. I couldn't believe that any person would be able to send 3000 texts in a month. It scared the **** out of me that I was clueless about all of this. How could I have just trusted him again?

 

He tells me over and over that these women are JUST FRIENDS. I actually texted a few of them to "introduce" myself. Some of them didn't even know he was married. They were shocked and said they wouldn't text him again. Then of course he turned it around on me and accused me of turning his "friends" against him. We went to marriage counseling and worked really hard. Talked a lot...fought a lot...loved a lot. I thought we were in a GREAT place for the last couple months.

 

Out of the blue he tells me that he is mad because we didn't have sex enough over the summer and I don't clean his house enough. WTF???? I can't figure out what is wrong with him. He also said that he hasn't REALLY been happy for 13 years. WHY THE HELL would he marry me, have 2 kids with me, and make a wonderful life together if he hasn't been happy? When asked why he didn't tell me this before his answer was I don't know. I asked him about having a great summer together and he says it was only because he was ignoring the stuff that bothered him. Now he is thinking about it and it pisses him off. WHAT?

 

Since this was out of the blue I decided I should probably check up on him. He has been chatting every day on facebook with his "friends". He texts ALL day to another woman...every day except the weekends cause he is with me. I looked at a message he had sent to her and it was "good morning sunshine" Is that something normal a guy would say to a female "friend"? Is it normal for him to talk to her about our marriage instead of facing me with his problems?

 

I am so sad and disgusted. I can't believe that he has pulled the wool over my eyes once again! I want my family together but I am thinking that all of this hurt is not worth it! I am at a loss at to what to do or say to him anymore. If I bring up the text messages then he gets mad and asks why I can't just trust him that nothing is going on? What the hell is wrong with me that I keep letting him do this to me?

 

Missy

[2sure]

I feel your pain. I can say that honestly because right now I am living in pain brought about by similar circumstance.

 

My H's first infidelities were very similar to what you and your H have experienced. We recovered, I trusted him, our marriage was better than ever.

 

I found out last week that he has an entire second life: name, phone, accounts, etc.

 

You know. You KNOW. Dont be like me and think things are ok when you know they are not. It is not possible for you to overreact to his behavior. Not possible.

[freestyle]

What I`m seeing is alot of passive-aggressive behavior on your H`s part.

You may want to read up on that, it may enlighten you.

 

he also blame-shifted.... you confronted him and he turned the tables by complaining about you (not enough sex, messy house, whatever)

 

as to the last sentence in your post.......please don`t beat yourself up over HIS bad behavior. And no, it`s NOT normal for him to discuss your marriage issues with another woman, it`s a HUGE breach of trust.

 

(read the post, "My husband is friends with a married woman")

 

The only way I see this resolving is with MC.

[ladydesigner]

Personally this sounds more than just an EA. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having a PA as well. If your husband is really concerned about the two of you and your marriage he would stop.

 

I am a MW who had an affair a year ago with xOM. We started as co-workers/friends...then it turned into an EA then to PA. I gave my H the same song and Dance that I'm not happy after 13 years of marriage and that I loved him but was not "in love" with him. Not sure if you have heard that line yet.

[2sure]

Missy -

 

You are going to have to trust me on this one: Keep Posting

[65tr6]

We went to marriage counseling and worked really hard. Talked a lot...fought a lot...loved a lot. I thought we were in a GREAT place for the last couple months.

 

Stop C now ! You are wasting your time. Your husband is in an active affair. Potentially in a PA too. Stop confronting. Gather proof. Snoop around. Install keylogger on his computer. Hire a PA. Whatever it takes.

 

Find out everything about OW.

 

And then EXPOSE. He needs a shock treatment to get out of this.

 

What the hell is wrong with me that I keep letting him do this to me?

 

There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to step up and take charge. Stop putting up with the lies and the bulls*.

 

You said you read lot of threads here in the last one year. What have you learnt ? It is one thing browsing through threads, but totally different when it comes to posting. There is lot you can do on your own. Nothing you did with your husband worked in the last one year so all the more reason to take this up a notch.

[missysv]

My H told me that if he really wanted to hide all of this that he would go get another phone. Then he goes on to say "I have REALLY thought about doing that" Then you wouldn't have to worry about checking up on me cause you wouldn't know about it.

 

When I caught him with his secret e-mail account and confronted him he explained that he only did it to regain my trust. He told me that he thought if he could only prove we can still have a connection while talking to her then it would win my trust back. WHAT? This makes no sense to me!

 

So I texted the woman that he texts all day and I asked her if she could give me some insight into my husband. This was her reply "He has vented some to me but I don't know the whole story. But what I do know is that he is very frustrated with you. He has told me a)you don't have a job b)doesn't understand why you won't work and since you don't work why is the house a mess and you don't cook"

 

I was a little taken aback by this because I DO have a job. I work for H&R Block. I manage a tax office. I usually work from November to April and he has been fine with this for 6 years. He mentioned that maybe I should get some different work since our son was going to kindergarten now. I told him that I would look around. He NEVER told me that he EXPECTED me to get another job. If I knew this was so important to him then of course I would have gotten a job. I can WORK anywhere...I can't find a CAREER just anywhere. Us have a clean house has NEVER been important to him or I for 16 years. We have always joked that there are things more important than cleaning...like spending time together...doing things with our kids..

 

How am I supposed to know that his "priorities" are changing if he doesn't talk to me about them? I posed this question to her and her response "I don't know the house part kinda blurted out the other day and don't know how that came out. I don't know. If my husband didn't work and I did I wouldexpect to come home to a clean house and dinner ready and if it was the other way around I would do the same"

 

Well at least now I know where he is getting his "good wife" attitude.

[65tr6]

I found out last week that he has an entire second life: name, phone, accounts, etc.

sorry to hear that. Did you confront him ?

[missysv]

Stop C now ! You are wasting your time. Your husband is in an active affair. Potentially in a PA too. Stop confronting. Gather proof. Snoop around. Install keylogger on his computer. Hire a PA. Whatever it takes.

 

Find out everything about OW.

 

And then EXPOSE. He needs a shock treatment to get out of this.

 

Do you know of a good keylogger program? Are they expensive or get one for free? Should I talk to OW husband?

[missysv]

So last night was just another usual night of silence. We sat in our living room on separate couches in silence. The TV wasn't on or anything because I was hoping that we could talk. It's almost as if he thinks that by ignoring our problems they will magically go away. Is that just a guy thing or what?

 

I talked to my H's best friend last night that also knows OW. He had NO IDEA that these 2 were texting and talking as much as they are. He is friends with both of them and didn't even know. I find that kind of revealing because it's been said on here that an affair can only survive in secrecy. So obviously they are hiding something.

 

I don't quite yet know what exactly I am going to do. I am tired of confronting and then he is defensive. I am tired of the lies.

 

Anybody know a good keylogger program? do they all cost or can I get one for free? Thanks for listening!

 

Missy

[freestyle]

Missy,

 

I`m way too much of a techno-peasant to advise you regarding a keylogger program.

 

What I would recommend, however, is to start protecting yourself:

 

Start making copies of their communications and your phone bills just in case you end up in a courtroom.Be prepared for the worst case scenario, for your own sake.

 

I don`t mean to be in the doomsayer`s section, but right now it`s not looking like you can get through to him.

[missysv]

Missy,

 

I`m way too much of a techno-peasant to advise you regarding a keylogger program.

 

What I would recommend, however, is to start protecting yourself:

 

Start making copies of their communications and your phone bills just in case you end up in a courtroom.Be prepared for the worst case scenario, for your own sake.

 

I don`t mean to be in the doomsayer`s section, but right now it`s not looking like you can get through to him.

 

I have looked a little on the keylogger thing and some of them are $100 but then there are free ones too? You're right...I do need to start getting prepared for the worst case scenario. I feel like I am starting to close off from him and I know that isn't good for our marriage. If I close off there will probably be nothing left to salvage anyways.

 

I am struggling with how I am going to break this to my kids. I have a 9 year old daughter and an almost 6 year old son. I am so afraid to hurt my children!

 

Missy

[NOTSURE7]

ok missy, i am going to offer you a unique perspective here..if you have read my posts, i am a former ws, who had a A with a mow....i confessed to my w 2 months ago but that is neither here nor there, i want to try and help you here...

 

your H is more than likely in the throws a full blown affair,i dont think you need keylogger or private eyes to prove this, its pretty clear to me,just the secrecy alone and the testing and the talking about you to her etc etc are all clear signs he has something to hide...I would be surprised if this was just an EA and not also a PA.. all of the other stuff, the facebook etc etc was probably done during the stage were he was looking for someone else who in his own twisted mind gets him and is his long lost soulmate and will give him everything he thinks or convinces himself that he dosent have in you..

 

He shows a pattern here,you have caught him multiple times texting other woman,most likely he was trying to find the one and that he may have had mulitple minor EA while trying to find the right one to take it to the next level,the fact he is confiding in this woman about you and your family makes it clear she is now the one..

 

I wish i could tell you differently but i know all the tricks, i had multiple private email accounts myself, i knew how to keep the secret,the fact he says if he was hiding it he would in nonsense because you caught him so now what else would he really say... beleive me he knows the tricks and probably has private accounts, that is what he is doing.

 

all of the complaints he has about you are bs and he is just justifying his own selfish,self serving actions, i have been there missy..the i am not happy or you dont give me enough sex or im not sure i loved you is all nonsense, he is just setting up a defense in case you really catch him,if all this was true he would have walked out the door long ago, he wants you and the kids but he also wants his cake and to eat it too and you are giving him that by beleiving his crap,you need to protect yourself here..

 

married men just dont go out and have all of these friends that happen to be woman, it just dosent happen..dont let him convince you that is possible because its not..

 

When he told you "out of the blue", it wasnt out of the blue, it was because he is now deeply involved with the ow and is feeling all the highs she provides him and he is now starting to see her as his love,his soulmate and the answer to everything,he is now seeing you as the w who keeps him from this happiness and thats why he is trying to justify things and gicing you negatives about yourself and your marriage to try and convince his selfish self that he is doing the right thing for himself and giving himself what he feels he deserves by having an A..

 

You need to confront him,forget for now about what to tell your kids, its unimportant right now,keep them as far away as possible,they dont need to know anything now..

 

it is very likely he will want to stay with you,but the real work will begin when you actually tell him things need to end and he needs to go full nc with this ow,things need to change and that he needs to be fully 100% accountable for his every move or else you will be gone, he needs to know your serious or else he will just tell you what you want to hear and continue to deceive you...

[65tr6]

You need to confront him,forget for now about what to tell your kids, its unimportant right now,keep them as far away as possible,they dont need to know anything now....

 

She has confronted him several times. He hasn't done a thing. He is lying through his teeth. You want OP to confront him one more time ? She wasted her time in MC for one year ?

 

OP, like i said, you dont have to put up with this anymore. You need to start protecting yourself. What you did in the last one year fell on your husband's deaf ears.

 

What do you do ? Take over the operation yourself. Call it Operation-E or whatever....Bust him/Expose him.

 

By the way, the software I had mentioned above is called family keylogger 2.7 (which was free about few months and I still believe it is). You will need to google it or go to cnet.com and see if you can find the link. You still cannot find it, PM me, I will try to send you the link. I don't want to link it here. Mods may not like it.

[freestyle]

Is the OW married? Your post#6 seems to suggest as much. If so, is her husband aware of the amount of communicating that is happening between his wife and your H? Perhaps if you contact him with your concerns that will serve to further expose the EA that is happening.

[missysv]

NOTSURE7- Everything you say in yourpost makes sense. Every word dug deep into my heart like you looked into my soul. It hurts to even think about it. I think you are completely right that he is in another affair. Rereading some of my posts has made me realize that I haven't been completely clear. He stopped contact with the OW that was his coworker. She is no longer his coworker and I believe that he really did stop contact.

 

The woman that I talked to yesterday is a different OW than the beginning. This is a woman that he got back in touch with through facebook. I requested to be her husband's friend last night on facebook and she jumped my case today. LOL I thought it was funny. I am POSITIVE that her husband knows nothing about what she is doing with MY husband.

 

I received a text from my H's best friend that I talked to last night. He tried to talk to my H today and it didn't go over well. He was told to "butt out and mind his own business" I was SHOCKED. This has been my H's best friend for 24 years and all of a sudden he treats him like crap too? Needless to say he was shocked and hurt by my H's reaction.

 

I talked to my father-in-law a little this morning because he found me crying. My FIL is VERY worried about my H's depression. He hasn't been taking his medication like he's supposed to and my FIL thinks that this is where all this is coming from. I think it may be part of it but it is still NO EXCUSE to go outside of our marriage. I may make an appt and go see our family doc about this. Maybe he can convice my H to take his depression meds like he is supposed to?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I requested to be her husband's friend last night on facebook and she jumped my case today. LOL I thought it was funny. I am POSITIVE that her husband knows nothing about what she is doing with MY husband.

 

You've really got to wonder how some people can be so blatant with their double standards! Did he accept you? If not send another request with a little note about since the two of t hem are so close that you thought it would be nice if you could all be friends!

[freestyle]

Touche`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Honestly I have no doubt that this is a physical affair. Men do not spend time texting people they are not sleeping with- unless he hasn't done it just yet but is planning on it.

 

He's also gaslighting you- google that and you'll see what I mean.

 

He's mean and abusive IMO. I rarely advise someone to divorce their spouse but that would be my advice in your sitch. Sorry.

[missysv]

Last night was very interesting because my H finally spoke to me some. LOL He is still insisting that there is nothing between him and the OW that he texts constantly. I actually left up on the computer an article that said The Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair. He tried to deny all the Yes answers to the questions. He got pissed saying that I always make it about another woman. All he asked me to do was clean the house a little and I freak out and make it all about another woman.

 

What is my problem he asked? I told him my problem was that its NOT OK for him to get comfort from another woman. I told him it was NOT OK for him to go to another woman with OUR marriage problems. I told him it was NOT OK for him to talk to her about our sex life. His reply to all of this was well I talk to the guys about that stuff. Are you pissed at me about them knowing too? He just really doesn't get it that its ANOTHER WOMAN. I told him talking to the guys is just different. He asked me how and I said I don't know...It just IS.

 

I told him how the OW treated me like crap yesterday because I requested to be her H's friend. He was actually shocked. LOL I asked him if he was ok with the fact that his "friend" was nasty to his wife. He said...How am I supposed to answer that? I was a little sarcastic(haha) at this moment and said"MAYBE YOU SHOULD CARE MORE ABOUT HOW YOUR WIFE IS FEELING" lol

 

I tried to ask him how he would feel if I went to one of our couple friends and started talking to the husband about my sex life. He says he wouldn't care. YEA RIGHT I asked him how he would feel if a man jumped all over his case for treating me like crap and he didn't even know what they were talking about. Does he not have empathy? Can he really not see my point of view?

 

I swear I don't think I can get through to him. I don't understand AT ALL. Can I just give him some shock treatment or something while he sleeps? Maybe I will try putting subliminal messages in his mind while he sleeps. LOL

 

Missy

[dleeg5199]

Missy,

 

Your story is very similar to mine. I heard the same things from my wife that it had nothing to do with the OM. They were just friends. He was someone she could talk to. If you read my last post, he was actually someone she had sex with before they built an emotional bond. Unless you get through to him, your marriage stands no chance. It took the affair being exposed to wake up my wife. I am guessing it will probably take the same thing in your situation.

[pruh74]

Missy,

 

My heart sank when I saw the part in your original post about him texting "good morning sunshine" to the OW. My H did that with someone he met on a dating website. We were physically separated at the time but going to MC and he was begging me to come home, sending me loving emails and asking to see me for dates. I also get the comments about the house being dirty and how I don't do enough or ever finish what I start when he gets mad. I have a full time job, go to school full time and take care of my child. Personally, I think they're upset at themselves for the bull they're dishing out and their conscience is telling them it's wrong. Then they feel bad for what they're doing and take it out on us. I completely understand where you're coming from. He was also telling her things about us. I forbade him for ever telling me good morning sunshine again. It used to be "our" phrase. Now it just makes me sick to hear or see it. As far as the questions in your original post I totally agree he is having an EA and possibly a PA as well. And I don't know if it's been answered already but a keylogger runs anywhere from $99 on up. It's pretty easy to install and the only way H can find it is to do a full sweep of the computer. I wish you luck dear.

 

Pru

[missysv]

DLEEG-I read your original posts about your wife and your marriage struggles. Your story does sound very similar to mine. It's scary for me. You are so right when you say our marriage has no chance if I don't get through to him. I totally agree and I have a feeling that he doesn't really want the marriage anyways. I think he only wants to be here because its "convenient and safe" I am not sure yet if i want to go through all of the exposure stuff but I did drop a few hints to his dad about what my H is doing.

 

PRUH-When I asked my H about the "good morning sunshine or sweetie" thing he said told me that it was nothing. I told him that isn't sweetie short for sweetheart? and what is SWEETHEART? someone that you love or care deeply about...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? How can he keep denying this?

 

You know...my H said some things last night that did make sense. He's right in that I should clean the house more. And he's right that I am not "working" at a job right now and I should take more responsibilty for the house. He just doesn't get that I AM taking care of our ranch which is horses, dogs and cats. I am also taking care of our children. I am also taking my grandmother to doc appt's and such. I am also not home much because my daughter has gymnastics and swimming. Plus my son is about to start soccer so I will be home even less. He told me that he doesn't understand WHAT I do all day while the kids are in school. Well, whatever. I KNOW what he does all day while he is SUPPOSED to be working. He is texting OW all day.

 

He actually had the nerve to tell me last night that the reason he doesn't text her when I am around is because that is family time. He says he wants to interact with the kids and me so he doesn't text her. BULL**IT!!! I asked him then why does he always erase his text messages b4 he gets home? He says I don't know...that's just something I do every day. He must think I am just really mentally slow.

 

I really don't think that this EA has gotten physical yet. She lives about 4 hours from us and my H hasn't traveled anywhere without me. I have no doubt that if she traveled here that he would go meet her.

 

Missy

[pruh74]

PRUH-When I asked my H about the "good morning sunshine or sweetie" thing he said told me that it was nothing. I told him that isn't sweetie short for sweetheart? and what is SWEETHEART? someone that you love or care deeply about...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? How can he keep denying this?

 

You know...my H said some things last night that did make sense. He's right in that I should clean the house more. And he's right that I am not "working" at a job right now and I should take more responsibilty for the house. He just doesn't get that I AM taking care of our ranch which is horses, dogs and cats. I am also taking care of our children. I am also taking my grandmother to doc appt's and such. I am also not home much because my daughter has gymnastics and swimming. Plus my son is about to start soccer so I will be home even less. He told me that he doesn't understand WHAT I do all day while the kids are in school. Well, whatever. I KNOW what he does all day while he is SUPPOSED to be working. He is texting OW all day.

 

He actually had the nerve to tell me last night that the reason he doesn't text her when I am around is because that is family time. He says he wants to interact with the kids and me so he doesn't text her. BULL**IT!!! I asked him then why does he always erase his text messages b4 he gets home? He says I don't know...that's just something I do every day. He must think I am just really mentally slow.

 

I really don't think that this EA has gotten physical yet. She lives about 4 hours from us and my H hasn't traveled anywhere without me. I have no doubt that if she traveled here that he would go meet her.

 

Missy

 

 

I just wanted to say that with everything you're doing with your children and your grandmother that you are working a full time job. Just because you don't get paid to do it doesn't make it any less worthwhile. Your children will remember who it was that took them to their activities and you'll remember the extra time you got to spend with your grandmother while she's still here. That's truly priceless.

[missysv]

I just wanted to say that with everything you're doing with your children and your grandmother that you are working a full time job. Just because you don't get paid to do it doesn't make it any less worthwhile. Your children will remember who it was that took them to their activities and you'll remember the extra time you got to spend with your grandmother while she's still here. That's truly priceless.

 

This is so true!!!! This is the WHOLE reason I do taxes for a living. So that I can spend the rest of the year with my FAMILY. How am I supposed to know that he wants something different from me if he doesn't TELL me? He complains when I work from November to April that he will be glad when it's over and now he is complaining that it's over?

 

I think he is just looking for excuses to be mad at me so he feels better about what he is doing.

 

Missy