Looking for some guidance and wisdom... (older woman, children, ultimatums etc.)

[Soronery]

Hello everyone. I am currently in the middle of a breakup/reconcilliation/lifelong commitment ordeal. I so need some guidance, some wisdom and most importantly people to listen and comment. Hopefully everyone will be polite and not so critical or quick to judge.

 

I'll be brief as best I can.

 

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. Two people on different sides of the world. During this time, lots of daily communication, skyping etc. Many great moments, some difficult ones.

 

Turns out I fell in love with this woman. Also turns out, this person who I thought was my age, was in fact older. And in keeping with the theme of things always getting better, this woman has 3 grown daughters. All things not known to me in the beginning. And factually things I was told differently, as to not having any children, being my age etc.

 

Taking it on the chin, I press forward in my desire to meet and spend time with this person. We spend 3 wonderful weeks in on vacation. The sex phenomenal, lots of lovely moments, a few disagreements, one or two quite traumatic times too. We make it through all that. In my infinite wisdom, the last few hours before we parted and flew back home, I start mentioning things about us being at different points in our lives, not wanting to have kids for quite a few years. Internally feeling this conflict and distress at knowing that at 42, she might be too old to have kids. Me being 34, naive as heck, innocent to some degree, all I wanted was to meet more, and all going well -- live together.

 

Fast forward to now, 6 weeks after returning from overseas. And to say it's been a mess is an understatement. It’s been a gradual changing, but she’s become moody, demanding, jealous, insecure, heck even a pregnancy scare thrown in for good measure. Freaking me right out to the point, when pressed too much & too hard by her, that my response to a ultimatum she gave me where, it wasn’t about what I want, but only allowed to give a yes or no answer, I answered no, I can’t see us continuing in this manner. Just wanting some relief, but not wanting to lose her either.

 

So now our futures are in my hands. She wants me, wants to live a life together, and I'm about as confused, and freaked out as I can ever remember. I can't shake this feeling of the children thing, her being so much older than me. Yet I can't ignore how awesome we were together either. We really are special together, but my fears, the unknown and other things seem to cloud my thoughts, making me always focusing on the negatives.

 

She is saying I have nothing to lose, that no guarantees are needed. But she still seems to display emotions of wanting a commitment of life together. And all I want is to not have to deal with that at this point, being that we've only spent 3 weeks together in person. Whether we have been communicating and fell in love over the course of a year and half, our physical time together has been so short.

 

Now if you've still with me, than awesome. If not and it's all too much, I understand. Here’s hoping to the kind folks who made it to this point and have some infinite wisdom to share.

 

And to turns things up a notch, she’s married! Another thing not revealed to me before I fell so hard for her. She did separate from her husband for several years, but never got a divorce. During this time she was in other relationships etc. But about a year ago, reconnected with her husband and got “married” again.

 

So she's ready to leave that entire life behind get on a plane and come be with me. I don’t doubt her for a second when she tells me this. But it heightens my fears, my own insecurities, feeling I am so no prepared or knowledgeable in relationships to know what I’m doing. The pressure, the fears of proceeding, knowing I haven't answered or come to grips with the children issue and others. But really just feeling that it's still too early in a relationship to know or be discussing these is such intense detail.

 

Despite saying her goodbyes and to never contact her again, she is in fact waiting for a decision from me as to what I want to do. Two days she gave me. We’re on day one.

[mickleb]

Honey, get out.

 

She has decieved you from the start about the major issues. The woman's got some serious problems. You can't fix her and she's nowhere near fixing herself, yet, from the sounds of things.

 

Although the chemistry was great, chemistry is just one small part of a successful relationship. Trust is more important. She broke that before you even got started. She fuc*ked up. That is not your problem to address.

 

I know it's not easy to do but you deserve much better treatment than this. Get out.

 

Take care. xx

[Soronery]

Thanks for your nice reply mickleb. Some pretty straightforward advice you give.

 

Her deception in the beginning wasn’t of a devious nature. I'm sure it's a common thing that people online, don't reveal their true age, or other private details about themselves. Since we didn't meet on a dating site, and neither she nor I was looking for a relationship, what harm could come of it right. The problem was we fell very much in love. The pain and anguish on her part become quite evident over time, and with much asking, she eventually opened up to me about what was wrong.

 

The life this woman has lived has been very comfortable, and it's not like she's ever been wanting for something. But something within me, us being together ignited this love she has for me, and without looking back, is wanting to start a new life together.

 

What has me in a state of not knowing what to do, is that I truly don’t want kids for a number of years. I just want to be with my special someone, travel and further my relationship, before adding kids. She is feeling, that if I truly love her, then I will be willing to compromise.

 

The very words she wants me to utter are... Darling, I love you – I want to be with you – no matter what.

 

I’m more than willing to meet her again, and about 90% ready to live together. But in the process she would be leaving her husband, and then due to us being from different countries, there’s only so many months I can live in her country, or her in mine etc. So just more headaches to deal with.

 

But right now, I do love her, I miss her like crazy.

[DustySaltus]

Wow, this is like my situation +3 kids and a husband 15 years fron now.

 

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

 

 

First she doesn't tell you how old she really is for whatever reason-Strike One

 

Then she just happens to have three kids-Strike Two (not because she has three kids, but because she kept it from you for a while).

 

She's married?!?! That's another three strikes right there.

 

You seem to be a real good guy. I traveled half way across the world to be with my fiance and it turned out to be a disaster, so trust me I know how it is (read my posts if u like). You've been put through the ringer with this woman but I think it would be a very bad idea to have her come over to you. Let her get divorced first and then talk...and even then I still think it's a bad idea. Be careful and good luck.

[mickleb]

Thanks for your nice reply mickleb. Some pretty straightforward advice you give.

 

Her deception in the beginning wasn’t of a devious nature. I'm sure it's a common thing that people online, don't reveal their true age, or other private details about themselves. Since we didn't meet on a dating site, and neither she nor I was looking for a relationship, what harm could come of it right. The problem was we fell very much in love. The pain and anguish on her part become quite evident over time, and with much asking, she eventually opened up to me about what was wrong.

 

The life this woman has lived has been very comfortable, and it's not like she's ever been wanting for something. But something within me, us being together ignited this love she has for me, and without looking back, is wanting to start a new life together.

 

What has me in a state of not knowing what to do, is that I truly don’t want kids for a number of years. I just want to be with my special someone, travel and further my relationship, before adding kids. She is feeling, that if I truly love her, then I will be willing to compromise.

 

The very words she wants me to utter are... Darling, I love you – I want to be with you – no matter what.

 

I’m more than willing to meet her again, and about 90% ready to live together. But in the process she would be leaving her husband, and then due to us being from different countries, there’s only so many months I can live in her country, or her in mine etc. So just more headaches to deal with.

 

But right now, I do love her, I miss her like crazy.

 

I know you miss her. It's horrible, I know but she has NO RIGHT to ask you to make such compromises in your life. Where are the compromises she is making?

 

Also, you instantly get to be 'daddy' to her three kids the minute you sign up. It is highly likey this won't be a smooth ride. If you go along and it goes wrong, you'll not only disappoint yourself, you'll be letting down those kids, too.

 

It sounds to me as though you are NOT READY for this. I suggest you carry on travelling and, if she really is 'the one', she'll be happy to see you when you're done with that.

 

Sadly, the heart is deceitful above all things. Cynical, I know, but often true. Hollywood sells us the myth that love will make everything ok. But it takes so much hard work, even when circumstances are ideal.

 

Take care. x

[silic0ntoad]

Dude. As Iron Maiden says "Run to the hills, run for you lives!" You need to get out. Look, this lady lied about KEY factors. Sure, people fib a bit online about little bits. Not HUGE things such as kids, and marriage!

 

If she is doing it to her current husband, she will do it to the next. Get out while you still can.

[Soronery]

I know you miss her. It's horrible, I know but she has NO RIGHT to ask you to make such compromises in your life. Where are the compromises she is making?

 

Also, you instantly get to be 'daddy' to her three kids the minute you sign up. It is highly likey this won't be a smooth ride. If you go along and it goes wrong, you'll not only disappoint yourself, you'll be letting down those kids, too.

 

It sounds to me as though you are NOT READY for this. I suggest you carry on travelling and, if she really is 'the one', she'll be happy to see you when you're done with that.

 

Sadly, the heart is deceitful above all things. Cynical, I know, but often true. Hollywood sells us the myth that love will make everything ok. But it takes so much hard work, even when circumstances are ideal.

 

Take care. x

 

Her three kids are grown up now and in their 20s. So being daddy isn't an issue for me. It's quite possible they would even hate and reject me. They wouldn't be living with us either. So it would be just me and this woman.

 

She has made many compromises. Her life is very comfortable. Money, status, travelling etc. She's knows I don't have all those things to the degree she currently enjoys. She's at the point she will do anything, whatever it takes to be with me. And you're right, I'm realizing I'm not ready for this. It's taken too much work to sustain it, and does it really get better in time?

 

Interesting point on love making everything ok. Her point of view is that if there's a desire, and two people want to be together, then nothing will stop them.

 

 

Dude. As Iron Maiden says "Run to the hills, run for you lives!" You need to get out. Look, this lady lied about KEY factors. Sure, people fib a bit online about little bits. Not HUGE things such as kids, and marriage!

 

If she is doing it to her current husband, she will do it to the next. Get out while you still can.

 

Nice points. She did withhold huge bits of information, and over the course of a long time. And I have been told that as well, that if she is doing this to her current husband, she'll do it to the next.

[mickleb]

Hi there.

 

Good news that the kids are older. You're still 'stepdad', regardless, though. I resented my mum's new partner and I met him at 18. It's a weird role to fit into.

 

I'm glad you can admit you don't feel ready. This just seems to me the exact circumstances that someone would look back on, when it all goes wrong and say 'why did I think that wouldn't be a problem?????!!!!'

 

Let us know how it goes. Take care. x

[Soronery]

Quite a few conversations have occured since I first posted between myself and this woman. Now words coming out of her mouth are ones of saying she will not give up, she will fight for us. When what I am realizing is that I want out of this relationship. The good times have been simply incredible, but the bad times, how complicated things are, the age difference, and many more, are just weighing on me so much. I don't know how to get out of this now, I don't know what to say to not hurt her in anyway. Would love some more guidance on this.

[Surfer Girl]

It appears you have made your descion.... And I can't blame you.... kids, a husband she is willing to divorce.... but she remarried him..... so she may believe she wants a divorce but will go thru a breakup with him that will not be easy for either one of you..... In light of the situation.... you will just have to be strong and voice your views.... Trust factors.... You can make excuses for hiding info on dating sites.... what she lied about are major...... Take the high road get it over with..... She is married.... that is enough to break it off.... no matter what she says...

[Soronery]

Today, I found the courage to end things with her. It's going to be painful, missing her, not hearing her voice, but I know it is right decision. Sometimes however, I feel maybe I have made the wrong one when of course thinking of all the wonderful moments we had together.

 

But the truth is I cannot get past quite a few things and don't have the strength to immerse myself in trying to "fix" them on a daily basis. I need some peace, some space to live my life a little, instead of constantly trying to work things out.

 

Thanking everyone here for your lovely comments. I feel very much at a sad and low point, but still feeling and hoping I have made the right decision.

[2sunny]

good for you ending it and giving yourself a chance at happiness.

 

leading a relationship with a lie is never a good way to start.

[Soronery]

Been a tough period of time. Missing this person so much, and after looking at some pictures of our recent vacation together, the longing is huge. Wanting to message her and tell her how much I care. But deep down, knowing our situation is so complicated, and finding so much relief in my decision to end things.

 

I'm thinking that old saying of love being easy, well whoever came up with that is an idiot lol

[DustySaltus]

Been a tough period of time. Missing this person so much, and after looking at some pictures of our recent vacation together, the longing is huge. Wanting to message her and tell her how much I care. But deep down, knowing our situation is so complicated, and finding so much relief in my decision to end things.

 

I'm thinking that old saying of love being easy, well whoever came up with that is an idiot lol

 

I think that similar to myself, you are missing the person that you fell in love with, not the person she really is. I believe that in every relationship there comes a point where something goes wrong. Not a small thing, a MAJOR thing. At that point you either dig your heels in the sand or you end things. What she did to you, it was inexcusable. You did a lot for this woman. Relationships aren't about ultimatums, they are about communication and compromise. She wanted to be the captain of the ship and there was a mutiny...so she did what she did. Just stay strong and continue to post here instead of contacting her.

[Soronery]

I got a email from her today and it broke my heart even more. Feeling so sad, and knowing how she is feeling also. Asking me to not give up on "us". I havn't replied yet, but am so much wanting to.

[Soronery]

I caved in tonight and replied to her message. Just knowing how much pain she is feeling. I'm feeling some peace in my life at the moment, but I know from past experiences how much she is affected when it comes to our relationship. She's even passed out on a phone call with me due to overwhelming grief. So right now, I am concerned for her and simply want to be there for her.