Overcoming Attractiveness

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OK, I know, to a degree, I'm throwing myself to the wolves, but what I'm about to ask is a real concern...

 

I'm very handsome and it's always an issue. Not just with women, but with family, friends, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, someone connects it to my physical attributes. I've always been amazed at how much it comes up. Even in the most inappropriate places, such as work.

 

But, what I most care about is how it has been a serious drag in my romantic pursuits. Single women of all levels of attractiveness, hold it against me. They don't trust me, they're intimidated and they don't want to get involved with me because they think they'll just be one of many (I hear this over and over). However, attached women (especially married women) and women that want to make another man jealous seem to think I'm perfect for one night stands and arm candy.

 

I've made a concerted attempt to emphasize my personality to get higher quality women by being more gregarious, interesting, funny and charming. However, that has backfired more than it has worked. Now, women just think I'm a master manipulator. According to them, I'm "too good." I've been accused of performing some kind of 'act.'

 

I seem to press all the fear buttons.

 

And then, when I find success, some former partners have never been able to believe that I "chose" them because I liked them. They felt that there was some other mysterious reason and it was just a matter of time until I took a better option that would inevitably come along. This leads to them sabotaging the relationship.

 

To top it all off, the more I try to convey integrity to assuage mistrust and fear, the more I get tagged as a "good" guy... the final kiss of death.

 

Ladies, can you shed some light on this? What can I do?

 

To begin, I'm not a lady,

 

and I haven't looked at any of the prior responses to this post...

 

BUT I really DO acknowledge the high probability that your physical appearance really is impacting some of your social path in an adverse fashion.

 

 

 

When the not-so-fortunate among us want to downplay the impact of physical appearance on dating and socializing we resort to going online and impacting others initially in a different manner. You certainly have that door open to you as well.

 

Additionally, most agree that when an 'appearance-challenged' person dresses to the nines, he or she greatly enhances his/her appeal in the eyes of others - you could also 'toggle' your attire (and even your grooming - like maybe don't shave every day, etc.) to offset some of the appearance blessings you have.

 

While I can acknowledge that you, too, have challenges right in the same areas known and struggled with so often, by others, I think you're going to have a tough time having your frustrations understood by the masses to the same extent as might those on the other end of the human spectrum.

 

Good luck!

[Avestruz]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I'm curious for an idea of what you look like. Is there a celebrity that you resemble?

 

I've always wondered what life would be like to be extremely good looking. One of my guy friends always causes my female friends to get all retarded because apparently, he's THAT good-looking.

 

Phateless, you've been generous with your advice and insight, so I'll answer this even though I wouldn't ordinarily. I get comparisons to Casper Van Dien. I think in direct comparison with his career. I haven't heard it in a while, so he probably isn't working.

[CaliGuy]

caliguy-no doctor will do it. trust me, ive tried. ive emailed every doctor that has performed finger lengthening and they all rejected me. i would pay $50,000+ to fix it, but i cant. and prozac does stunt growth, look it up on google if you don't believe me. FDA did a massive study and found it stunts half an inch for every 19 weeks your on it for adolescents. i was on it 200+ weeks, which equals 11 inches. i didnt lose 11 inches but i was supposed to be around my dads height which is 6'2. your 5'10 so let me guess your dad's around 5'7-5'8?

 

Never met my dad, but then again, I don't obsess over my height or other aspect of myself that I don't like (and yeah, there are things I would change but overall, I am who I am and a big "up yours" to the people who don't accept me for who I am!)

 

I think my dad was over 6' (my mom told me this). My mom was 5'2" so that's how I ended up being shorter than my dad.

 

Sorry about the prozac. Sue the drug maker and then go lengthen your fingers. Some doctor will do it. Just takes $$$.

[sunshinegirl]

OP, just to chime in with what others have said, my guess is that it's the combination of your looks with what you've described as your "intense" way of being that is causing the issue. Anyone who is 'intense' can be a bit overwhelming to people whose personalities are more laid back.

 

I also agree that you probably want to seek women in new and different places. Besides salsa, you might look into various meetup groups in your area. If you can meet women who share a similar passion (politics, travel, weird humor, whatever) you'll likely be off to a better start.

 

And - for whatever it's worth - I am often suspicious of very very ridiculously good looking men. Sadly, I've found that their outer beauty usually outstrips their inner beauty. Not a fair judgment, but it's a block you may be running into as well.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

That said, if you smile and make eye contact and he doesn't return it, assume he isn't interested. Men can easily, easlily pick up on women who are interested in them when they smile and make eye contact (or even say HI!).

 

 

Cheers.

I don't know about this like Ive said in another thread some men just are clueless when it comes to women being interested in them you could stare at them for hours and they still don't get it lol..

[monkey00]

I agree that it can be intimidating to others if you have a lot going for you such as: success, ambition, good looks etc. Let's put it this way, someone who is confident, views themselves as successful and attractive will often go after a partner who is similar in that respect. Said person will have high standards because they have the confidence in believing that they deserve it. Only the insecure/wary/unconfident women will be suspicious of your motives at first hand without truly getting to know you.

 

Now I don't know what kind of women go after you or what kind of women you go after. But is it possible you're subconsciously sabotaging yourself by being with certain types of women? Maybe women that can't or are unwilling to commit? As of now you have this attitude from your first post, and attitudes are very well possible to project from yourself onto others and affect situations you're in. Do you think you are? What are some examples of women that you usually go out with? How are their personalities/values/looks/intelligence?

[Isolde]

Bottom line: You have to love and respect yourself. If you are able to do that you'll be better able to discern who is sincere and who is using you -- and you won't put up with bad apples.

 

This is excellent advice for anybody.

 

OP, I just had another thought. Maybe the fact that you are so worried about the effect of your looks makes you come off like you're trying to shield yourself. What you want to do is be protective of yourself but not put up a barrier.

 

While I don't battle your issue, exactly--historically I've been difficult to approach for several reasons, and it did a number on my self esteem. It took me so long to figure out that there was nothing wrong with me, I was just letting people's actions affect me way too much and build a wall. I know other people in this thread have said that, but here's the thing. It wasn't obvious to me that I had a wall up until a friend told me. I had to tear the wall down before I noticed it was there in the first place.

[CaliGuy]

I don't know about this like Ive said in another thread some men just are clueless when it comes to women being interested in them you could stare at them for hours and they still don't get it lol..

 

That's because they are either taken or insecure.

 

Or both, lol.

[caliguy999]

lol.

 

Do you realize how lucky you are?

 

As a very unattractive male, I can tell you that I would ride it out for as much as it worth.

 

Us ugly guys would do ANYTHING to be players because women just do not look twice at us. Instead of looking for the "perfect woman" (it doesn't exist, they all have issues), PLEASE PLEASE sleep around.

 

You would think that I would be jaded against good looking guys cause they take all the girls. Not at all. In fact I think players are awesome cause they force women to look at other qualities in guys rather than looks.

 

If there were no players, then all women would just go after the best looking guy because they would know that they are trustworthy.

 

You have a gift, dude. Use it to your advantage.

[Chubbi]

I noticed in your original post you started it off with how you may get flamed for your post about how attractive you are and couldn't get a girlfriend. Why did you think we were going to flame you? The answers have been quite calm and relevant from Loveshack, granted that. I thought maybe this was an example of how your prejudgements of people may color your interations with them and build up an unnecessary wall and a foundation of distrust. I can't say I've been self-conscious just because a guy is beautiful but I know I do not trust people who seem to not trust me at first glance. If a guy is cautious around me, I'm cautious around him. If a guy is quick to judge, I judge him too. If he is open with me, I'm more likely to be comfortable around him.

 

The thing of being self-conscious because a guy is super gorgeous and approaches you is something I've never heard. Just based on his looks, has never stopped me from being myself. I can't say a guy's beauty face made me scared of him. That's wierd. I'm equally untrusting of all guys, and it's the other way for me: the worst they look, the more I don't trust them. Personally, I don't feel shocked if a super-attractive guy approaches me. I'll think it's a compliment and it will just confirm my best suspicions of myself. I'll think, Of course the attractive guy wants me- like flocks together, duhhh Chubbi. It's the unattractive guys that make my mouth drop and think, "Wow, you're bold sauntering up to me! (Where can I get confidence like that?)!!" It's not that I think I'm a primadonna prom queen winner, it's just how I am.

 

To tell the whole story though, you have to look at the stage of life I'm coming from. As a person who wishes more for female friends than I ever did a boyfriend, I really, really become shy around other girls I think are beautiful/supersmart/ or who I would like to have as a friend. That's when my self-consciousness comes out the most- around other women. I don't know what it is but I don't make female friends as easy as I make male friends, and I try hard to do so but for some reason I get more enemies than friends.

 

The reason why I thought some girls didn't go for super-attractive guys or were cold to them is because of preference. Some girls think too hot guys like the models aren't rugged enough for their tastes. Which is cool- there's someone for everyone.

 

Also, Mr. Stumpy's posts made me laugh. I'm sorry if you're serious, but if you're trolling those were some funny posts.

[Lish]

Well, like someone else said, part of the problem could be because you're trying too hard and perhaps some girls see it as you trying to charm your way into their pants. Your sense of humour seems great... just be natural. Girls often look at guys through their insecurities and trust me, the problem is with them, not with you. Being good looking certainly isn't a crime.

Good looking ...sense of humour....call me?

[JohnP82]

Is this a serious post? Are you really complaining about being too attractive? That's like Bill Gates complaining about being too rich. Please don't complain about that, especially when there are people that can't even get others to participate in a conversation with them because they have a few extra pounds, aren't tall enough, etc.

[Phateless]

Phateless, you've been generous with your advice and insight, so I'll answer this even though I wouldn't ordinarily. I get comparisons to Casper Van Dien. I think in direct comparison with his career. I haven't heard it in a while, so he probably isn't working.

 

You're very welcome.

 

I've never heard of him, but I recognize him. After looking at the pictures, you may have to learn to play "hard to get," if that makes sense. When someone that good looking shows a lot of interest, it makes people suspicious. Instead of pursuing a girl you like, very casually show interest and let her pursue you. When she starts showing interest, gradually reciprocate, but don't come on too strong.

 

People are more trusting of things they have to work for. The insecure ones that are unwilling to put in a little effort will have such a hard time coming to grips with your attractiveness that they might not be worth the trouble.

 

This is a weird conundrum. I agree with whoever posted that good looks are nothing to complain about. Most everyone in the world would rather have your problem. Once you learn how to manage this to your advantage, it will cease to be a problem.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

lol.

 

Do you realize how lucky you are?

 

As a very unattractive male, I can tell you that I would ride it out for as much as it worth.

 

Us ugly guys would do ANYTHING to be players because women just do not look twice at us. Instead of looking for the "perfect woman" (it doesn't exist, they all have issues), PLEASE PLEASE sleep around.

 

You would think that I would be jaded against good looking guys cause they take all the girls. Not at all. In fact I think players are awesome cause they force women to look at other qualities in guys rather than looks.

 

If there were no players, then all women would just go after the best looking guy because they would know that they are trustworthy.

 

You have a gift, dude. Use it to your advantage.

Dose this advice come with a free med exam in 2 months and a good anti Itch cream cause if he follows it hes going to need both ...

[Island Girl]

And like you said, it isn't a dealbreaker as far as a relationship goes... but it's definately close as I can tell you allready know. That is what I can't live with...

 

I meant it is definitely not a deal breaker for the OTHER person.

 

On your side your obsessive thoughts and self confidence issues sure make it a deal breaker.

 

You obsess over this. And you say it is because it is a side effect of Prozac.

 

I don't get it.

 

A guy I know was set on fire in his bed when he was 11. He ended up with burns over most of his body and one side of his head. He has no hair on that side of his head and he is scared - as you'd imagine.

 

I only know him because he is married to a friend of mine. She is petite and very attractive. They have a fantastic relationship and have built a life together.

 

HE has had to deal with a permanent disfigurement that is readily apparent to anyone looking in his direction. And he has pictures of what he looked like before. I'm sure it would have been quite easy to retreat and not venture out to live life. But he has accepted himself with his scars and all.

 

This will continue to be a problem for you as long as you allow it to be.

 

I am sorry you can't see that but it is the truth.

[stepka]

Good post Island girl, I have a cousin in her 20's who was born with NO fingers or toes. They were able to do some reconstructive surgery and create 2 fingers on each hand, but of course her hands and feet are odd, to say the least. She doesn't let it bother her, and I'm guessing that she's never had a hard time getting a date. She's also developed her other lovely qualities and has a good education. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful, though some would say too tall for a woman.

 

avestruz, it has occurred to me that part of your problem may be a perceived discrepancy between your face and your personality. But I agree with the others here that you should just be yourself and don't be a player if you're not one already (and it doesn't sound like you are). You sound like you have a keen sense of humor and chances are you're pretty bright--what do you do for a living, if I may ask?

[bac]

Any extreems are bad. I guess most of females would not like a guy who is too handsome. But there are some females who may love that. I guess girls who love arts, paintings may love your beauty.

 

When people know each other for several months or longer, they stop notice the appearance anyway.

[Jersey Shortie]

Thanks for the encouragement... and I know you weren't asking for advice, but I think you should just make eye contact with the guy at your gym. He'll do the rest. If he asks you out, I'm curious what you'll do since you've acknowledged your intimidation.

 

If he asked me out, I would go for it. I am not saying I woudln't still be a little intimidated but if he took the lead, it would make it easier for me to follow. It might take some time before I felt comfortable with him but that can be true of anyone. That is what relationships are for. To see how you can mesh and grow. I have made eye contact with him. A few times I thought he was going to talk to me, he never did. A few times he came and worked out on the machine next to me but didn't talk to me.. Granted, I can be stand-offish but at this current point, I have no clue how to manage him so nothing ever comes out of it. I could be half way across the gym and I swear I can find him without trying and sometimes it looks like he can do the same. He is out going though and does talk to other women, young and old. I just am not too sure he is very interested despite some small possible signs. I don't really smile at him though ..kind of just keep willing him to say "hi". It's just not going to happen. And it's not just because he is really hot. There are alot of good looking/hot men at the gym that don't affect me that way. And I have had that similar affect from less attractive men as well. Must just be my chemistry to him.

 

 

 

As far as where to meet women? That's the question we all have. I know it's cliche, and there is probably an entire forum topic about this, but all the girls I talk to end up having boyfriends (ok, so some of them are lying, I know).

 

Okay, well I don't know if I am all for the "salsa dancing" classes because I think that sounds too cliche too but doing something you like and joining a club, perhaps less male dominated, would be helpful. My best friend took martial arts and met a man she dated for 4 years through it. Do you like to cook? Read? Bike? Lots of fit ladies in biking. I kind of notice men more when I am grocery shopping because I think it's cute when you see a single young guy shopping. Whole Foods does all kinds of things like chef classes or in my town on thrusday you can come and taste samples. Art gallery opennings? ..etc etc etc..It doesn't sound like yuor problem is being proactive and pursuing. But getting more invovled in an activity you like that women also like would probably benefit yuo.

[CaliGuy]

OP I sorta get the feeling that while you think on the OUTSIDE you are attractive and a prize, on the inside you're a tad on the insecure side.

 

I think you need to work on being happy and comfortable with who you are. Focus on that, without letting it "get to your head" so to speak and you'll be fine.

 

One other thing I would do if I were you is not question the motives of every woman you go out with. If you start with distrusting them from the very beginning that will definitely contribute to a defensive behavior and really turn a lot of women off.

 

Your goal is to go out, have fun and not put expectations on anyone. That is what makes a great date and leads to more dates and fun

[Isolde]

you may have to learn to play "hard to get," if that makes sense. When someone that good looking shows a lot of interest, it makes people suspicious. Instead of pursuing a girl you like, very casually show interest and let her pursue you. When she starts showing interest, gradually reciprocate, but don't come on too strong.

 

 

I'm not saying this couldn't work, but I think it would be even better to make it clear you are single. For example, if you are hanging around with female friends, girls will assume you are taken, so maybe hang out alone sometimes in coffee shops or bookstores. I do think you should keep it "cool," but make your interest CLEAR. Don't make her pursue you, please. Just be direct and show her you're interested in getting to know her... I think a great idea would be to ask a girl for a nice lunch date, something low key like that. Not drinks