Overcoming Attractiveness

[Mr. Stumpy]

OK, I know, to a degree, I'm throwing myself to the wolves, but what I'm about to ask is a real concern...

 

I'm very handsome and it's always an issue. Not just with women, but with family, friends, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, someone connects it to my physical attributes. I've always been amazed at how much it comes up. Even in the most inappropriate places, such as work.

 

But, what I most care about is how it has been a serious drag in my romantic pursuits. Single women of all levels of attractiveness, hold it against me. They don't trust me, they're intimidated and they don't want to get involved with me because they think they'll just be one of many (I hear this over and over). However, attached women (especially married women) and women that want to make another man jealous seem to think I'm perfect for one night stands and arm candy.

 

I've made a concerted attempt to emphasize my personality to get higher quality women by being more gregarious, interesting, funny and charming. However, that has backfired more than it has worked. Now, women just think I'm a master manipulator. According to them, I'm "too good." I've been accused of performing some kind of 'act.'

 

I seem to press all the fear buttons.

 

And then, when I find success, some former partners have never been able to believe that I "chose" them because I liked them. They felt that there was some other mysterious reason and it was just a matter of time until I took a better option that would inevitably come along. This leads to them sabotaging the relationship.

 

To top it all off, the more I try to convey integrity to assuage mistrust and fear, the more I get tagged as a "good" guy... the final kiss of death.

 

Ladies, can you shed some light on this? What can I do?

 

 

LOL, wow I actually know what you mean. My mom is very attractive, with big brown eyes and long eyelashes and feminine type face, and I was lucky to inherit that trait, so I know what you mean. But my mom always taught me to watch out for the "haters" in life... people get jealous man, it's just how it is, and it will never go away. You just have to be friends with good people who don't care about that stuff.

 

For me, it's a curse cause of how insecure about my hands/height/size I sometimes am... cause really pretty girls will look at me but I get soooo parranoied about when they look at my hands cause they excpect a guy with good genetics and masculine qualities... How tall are you if you don't mind me asking?

[Phateless]

And the point goes to: Avestruz! LOL

 

You really do seem like you have a really great sense of humor.

And that post about softening your edges shows you are open to self evaluation and remedy.

 

I think Phateless has a point about where you meet women.

 

Salsa clubs may be a great place. The women there are generally confident and out to enjoy themselves. Meeting them there would take the pressure off it being a pick up and make it all more of a social event or a party.

You know how easy it is to mingle at a party I'm sure.

 

What do you think?

 

This is very true. With salsa dancing there's a lot of sexual energy flying around, and everyone is used to good looking people, so looks alone aren't as much of a deciding factor as they are elsewhere. Salsa dancing helped me learn to be less intimidated by good looking women, so it only follows that good salsa dancing women won't be nearly as tripped out by your good looks.

 

I'm more intimidated by the good dancers than the good lookers, lol. The point about confidence is huge too, because looks alone won't impress most of them.

 

Oh god please no more online dating suggestions..

 

 

Jersey brought up a good question. What type of women do you usually go for?

 

Can you describe what you usually go for? This will help understand why women are feeling so intimidated.

 

You do need to find a woman who is secure enough in herself and in her abilities to be able to overlook some of your physical attributes and focus more on who you are as an individual. Find a woman who is better than you in an aspect you are not as good, this will give her a chance to feel a more balanced pairing with you. If you go for equally good looking women who are perhaps not as smart as you are they will ultimately feel insecure by your side, since they can't really bring anything to the table.

 

Of course we bring a lot more than intelligence and good looks to the table but looking at it from a purely superficial stand point these are the two key components people compete over.

 

Completely agree with this.

[Avestruz]

I definitely need to expand the kind of socializing I do. My hobbies are male dominated (i.e. martial arts) and I don't go to many bars any more. Salsa is a great suggestion. My friends are pretty nerdy, but quality, so I may have to go it alone.

 

As far as the type of woman I pursue? They've all been very different in the past. But, they've rarely been "hot" in the sense that we think of being hot. I have an off-the-wall sense of humor, and girls that have been hot their whole lives never seem to be able to relate. So, my ex's have all been cute with an appreciation for strange humor. That's probably the common thread. It's what I continue to look for, but the problems described earlier persist.

[Avestruz]

Mr. Stumpy, I learned about the haters the hard way. I grew up thinking there was just something inherently unlikeable about me. I think that's why my close friends are sort of nerdy. They have an appreciation for different things and don't share the common perspective on other people.

 

To answer your other question, I'm 6'1"

[Mr. Stumpy]

Mr. Stumpy, I learned about the haters the hard way. I grew up thinking there was just something inherently unlikeable about me. I think that's why my close friends are sort of nerdy. They have an appreciation for different things and don't share the common perspective on other people.

 

To answer your other question, I'm 6'1"

 

Yes, I've always had those kinds of friends. It's really all you can do, normal people hate guys with feminine type facial features. But I have a question: do you think your height has anything to do with your "overwelming attractivness"? Would you still be as attractive you think if you were under 6 foot and had small/short hands? I know that's a crazy question but please tell me what you think.

[torranceshipman]

Lol...okay, I have a friend who has a doctorate, a very high brow academic career and is also very good looking, a ridiculously nice person, and used to be a fitness model (and could still be if he wanted but doesn't think photos of himself in his swimwear might gel too great with his very serious career profile, lol!). He seems to be able to compartmentalize like no other and it isn't really an issue, although we all get quite amused that girls think he is a bit of a himbo player until they realize how smart and nice he is. He really is the dude (also gay, sad for us girls, hehe!).

 

Don't take this the wrong way but I think there is probably really something in your manner that is making this problem of yours a whole lot worse than it otherwise could be...our friend has such an accomplished life that the whole looks part just seems to be a part of a lot more now, though yes, you always notice how hot he is!

 

And a serious suggestion - have you thought about becoming a model? Other models would be used to seeing great looking people on a daily basis so it wouldn't really be an issue for them.

[Phateless]

I definitely need to expand the kind of socializing I do. My hobbies are male dominated (i.e. martial arts) and I don't go to many bars any more. Salsa is a great suggestion. My friends are pretty nerdy, but quality, so I may have to go it alone.

 

As far as the type of woman I pursue? They've all been very different in the past. But, they've rarely been "hot" in the sense that we think of being hot. I have an off-the-wall sense of humor, and girls that have been hot their whole lives never seem to be able to relate. So, my ex's have all been cute with an appreciation for strange humor. That's probably the common thread. It's what I continue to look for, but the problems described earlier persist.

 

Nerdy but quality friends are wonderful. Hang onto them.

 

Good for you for valuing personality over looks! If the girls you go for aren't "hot" by traditional standards, that could be part of what's causing this though.

 

It's unfortunate, but true: ATTRACTIVENESS CLASSICISM DOES EXIST. If girls think you're too hot for them I can understand why they'd be suspicious. If a girl that I thought was obviously "out of my league" seemed suddenly very interested in me, I would also assume she wants something other than me.

 

I can understand your conundrum in that finding someone of a similar attractiveness level as you that understands your sense of humor might be difficult. Just keep screening until you find the right one.

 

Try the salsa thing and see what you think. I'm going out tonight.

[torranceshipman]

Btw, having now read through this thread, you sound like a lot of my friends...you sound like a cool guy!

[Island Girl]

It's unfortunate, but true: ATTRACTIVENESS CLASSICISM DOES EXIST. If girls think you're too hot for them I can understand why they'd be suspicious. If a girl that I thought was obviously "out of my league" seemed suddenly very interested in me, I would also assume she wants something other than me.

 

You could be making a very big mistake if you automatically discount stunning women based on past experiences.

Everyone you find attractive should be fair game.

 

Talk to them and figure out what their about or if there is a connection.

You don't want them to write you off because you are good looking so be sure not to do the same thing!

[Avestruz]

I think previous advice in this thread is most applicable here. I began by saying I am physically "handsome." Yet, I'm certainly not 'attractive' to the kind of woman I'm seeking. The advice offered by others has really centered on getting dialed-in on the inside first. I've begun working on that and already see some progress. I think they're right. The second common theme in the responses has been to participate in activities where there are more quality people and to develop relationships slowly. I've always moved pretty fast and have suffered the consequences. Giving women more time will allow them to find the attractiveness in you.

 

So, I pass the advice of others along to you. It sounds like the best medicine for shortcomings is to love yourself first, be around quality people in fun environments and give them time to look passed what you don't have and see what you do have. Obviously, you're stuck with your hands. Your only choice is to love them or feel insecure. Insecurity is always a recipe for failure. The choice is obvious.

[Avestruz]

Phateless & Island Girl - More great advice. I'm glad to have found people that understand and have experience with this odd issue. This is impossible to talk about face-to-face. Thank god for the internet.

 

Torranceshipman - Your suggestion of something in my manner is well received. It is why I've recently begun to work on the inside a bit more. We all have issues and I think mine were seeping out. Also, just like your friend, with me, what you see is not what you get. My education and job require that I know a lot about financial markets and politics. It throws them.

[Island Girl]

Phateless & Island Girl - More great advice. I'm glad to have found people that understand and have experience with this odd issue. This is impossible to talk about face-to-face. Thank god for the internet.

 

Torranceshipman - Your suggestion of something in my manner is well received. It is why I've recently begun to work on the inside a bit more. We all have issues and I think mine were seeping out. Also, just like your friend, with me, what you see is not what you get. My education and job require that I know a lot about financial markets and politics. It throws them.

 

Welcome to Loveshack Avestruz.

 

I hope to see you here in the future as well.

 

:bunny: <------ Loveshack faves.

[Mr. Stumpy]

I think previous advice in this thread is most applicable here. I began by saying I am physically "handsome." Yet, I'm certainly not 'attractive' to the kind of woman I'm seeking. The advice offered by others has really centered on getting dialed-in on the inside first. I've begun working on that and already see some progress. I think they're right. The second common theme in the responses has been to participate in activities where there are more quality people and to develop relationships slowly. I've always moved pretty fast and have suffered the consequences. Giving women more time will allow them to find the attractiveness in you.

 

So, I pass the advice of others along to you. It sounds like the best medicine for shortcomings is to love yourself first, be around quality people in fun environments and give them time to look passed what you don't have and see what you do have. Obviously, you're stuck with your hands. Your only choice is to love them or feel insecure. Insecurity is always a recipe for failure. The choice is obvious.

 

thanks but you didn't answer my question: do you think you would still be as attractive if you were a few inches shorter and had shorter/smaller hands/fingers? please tell me

[GorillaTheater]

thanks but you didn't answer my question: do you think you would still be as attractive if you were a few inches shorter and had shorter/smaller hands/fingers? please tell me

 

For the sake of all that's holy, please quit it with the hands stuff. They look like undersized baseball gloves. Deal with it.

[Bejita463]

thanks but you didn't answer my question: do you think you would still be as attractive if you were a few inches shorter and had shorter/smaller hands/fingers? please tell me

 

I have confidence in my looks now, and I'd have confidence in my looks if I were a full foot shorter than I am now.

 

Edit: And hands don't even enter into my criteria unless something is wrong with them. Seriously wrong.

[Mr. Stumpy]

They look like undersized baseball gloves.

 

damn that kind of hurts man... im trying to get over it, i swear i really am... i just cant. i want to sooo freaking bad, but everything i do from typign to eating with a fork, i just see and feel how childish and short/stumpy my fingers look and it makes me crazy. it just helps to vent about them as much as possible

[GorillaTheater]

damn that kind of hurts man... im trying to get over it, i swear i really am... i just cant. i want to sooo freaking bad, but everything i do from typign to eating with a fork, i just see and feel how childish and short/stumpy my fingers look and it makes me crazy. it just helps to vent about them as much as possible

 

Okay, I'm kidding about the baseball glove thing. Your hands are fine. There's nothing wrong with them. With all due respect, the problem lies above the collar.

 

But still, quit asking about the hands.

[Island Girl]

damn that kind of hurts man... im trying to get over it, i swear i really am... i just cant. i want to sooo freaking bad, but everything i do from typign to eating with a fork, i just see and feel how childish and short/stumpy my fingers look and it makes me crazy. it just helps to vent about them as much as possible

 

This is very sad. I was getting irritated with you too but this is very sad.

 

Your insecurity has become an obsession. It is ruling your life. Have you thought about going to counseling? Because honestly -- really and truly -- it isn't a big deal.

 

It isn't a deal breaker as far as a relationship goes.

 

What IS a deal breaker is your lack of self esteem. You call attention that something is up with you - you aren't comfortable with yourself. That is female repellent.

THANKFULLY IT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN CHANGE!

But you have to put in the effort and you have to seek help.

This is too far gone for simple words on the internet to fix and from your other threads you look elsewhere to get validation for your feelings anyway. So anything we say about them not being a problem falls on deaf ears.

 

Please do at least this:

 

Invest just a bit of time and energy into finding a therapist who deals with an obsessive disorders. And make an appointment. Then GO. And keep doing that at least once a week.

 

You spend close to 112 hours a week focusing on your hands and your height.

Please spend at least 1 hour a week addressing WHY.

 

 

Sorry for the TJ Avestruz.

[Mr. Stumpy]

This is very sad. I was getting irritated with you too but this is very sad.

 

Your insecurity has become an obsession. It is ruling your life. Have you thought about going to counseling? Because honestly -- really and truly -- it isn't a big deal.

 

It isn't a deal breaker as far as a relationship goes.

 

What IS a deal breaker is your lack of self esteem. You call attention that something is up with you - you aren't comfortable with yourself. That is female repellent.

THANKFULLY IT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN CHANGE!

But you have to put in the effort and you have to seek help.

This is too far gone for simple words on the internet to fix and from your other threads you look elsewhere to get validation for your feelings anyway. So anything we say about them not being a problem falls on deaf ears.

 

Please do at least this:

 

Invest just a bit of time and energy into finding a therapist who deals with an obsessive disorders. And make an appointment. Then GO. And keep doing that at least once a week.

 

You spend close to 112 hours a week focusing on your hands and your height.

Please spend at least 1 hour a week addressing WHY.

 

 

Sorry for the TJ Avestruz.

 

I know it's an obsession... I haven't gone after a girl in years because of it. I often sleep 12+ hours a day because of how depressed I am about it...

 

I've tried getting help. The one counselor I tried to talk to about it thought I was crazy and superficial. I opened up to her and she completely judged me. I can't talk to anyone about it except for people on the internet... And it's not that I hate "what god gave me." As I explained in another thread, my growth was completely stunted (around 3-5 inches)during puberty from the drug Prozac, which stunted all my limbs plus my torso, giving me short arms, legs, and fingers... I can live with the other stuff, just not my fingers. They are literally boy hands

 

So I obsess about what Prozac did... not what god created. Do you understand?

 

And like you said, it isn't a dealbreaker as far as a relationship goes... but it's definately close as I can tell you allready know. That is what I can't live with...

[CaliGuy]

I know it's an obsession... I haven't gone after a girl in years because of it. I often sleep 12+ hours a day because of how depressed I am about it...

 

I've tried getting help. The one counselor I tried to talk to about it thought I was crazy and superficial. I opened up to her and she completely judged me. I can't talk to anyone about it except for people on the internet... And it's not that I hate "what god gave me." As I explained in another thread, my growth was completely stunted (around 3-5 inches)during puberty from the drug Prozac, which stunted all my limbs plus my torso, giving me short arms, legs, and fingers... I can live with the other stuff, just not my fingers. They are literally boy hands

 

So I obsess about what Prozac did... not what god created. Do you understand?

 

And like you said, it isn't a dealbreaker as far as a relationship goes... but it's definately close as I can tell you allready know. That is what I can't live with...

 

There's a hard, painful surgical process where they can extend your limbs. If you are THAT obsessed about it (and I don't think prozac stunts growth but ok).

 

You can talk to a doctor about it.

 

I will tell you this. Worrying and obsessing about your issue isn't going to change anything. All it's going to do is cause you unnecessary stress. You can change your situation, but only after after a LONG and PAINFUL process similar to what they do for people with dwarfism.

[Mr. Stumpy]

butcher's hook: no this has no reference to my penis haha. luckily my penis grew to a decent length by the time i was around 14-15. it actually prob would of been bigger but i am ok in that department. i just hate feeling like insecure like this cause i want to get out in the world and make something of myself and bring positivity into peoples lives. im naturally a very outgoing person but something like this just brings me down completely, and knowing what im missing out there in the real world is what makes me crazy... i just cant do it if im not happy with me. But to answer your question, yes i think it can stop a woman from loving me... when they watch me through out the day and see how boysih and gross i look when i do everythign with my hands... huge turn off. ive seen it girls faces all too much; at least i think i have.

 

caliguy-no doctor will do it. trust me, ive tried. ive emailed every doctor that has performed finger lengthening and they all rejected me. i would pay $50,000+ to fix it, but i cant. and prozac does stunt growth, look it up on google if you don't believe me. FDA did a massive study and found it stunts half an inch for every 19 weeks your on it for adolescents. i was on it 200+ weeks, which equals 11 inches. i didnt lose 11 inches but i was supposed to be around my dads height which is 6'2. your 5'10 so let me guess your dad's around 5'7-5'8?

[Isolde]

You're way too conscious of your own attractiveness. It is just a fact. Everyone has facts to deal with and yours is not such a bad one.

 

Some girls who are really pretty downplay their looks on a regular basis to avoid getting attention. I don't believe in that philosophy, rather in healthy pride of what you have, but you COULD make some changes (shave your head or grow your hair long.. adopt a more down to earth dressing style) to look a bit more approachable.

 

FWIW, all my friends are more "cautious" around particularly good looking guys, but none of us are opposed to it on principle, so the only thing I can think of is that you are surrounded by girls who can't think for themselves. Either that or you may be projecting some vibes you're not aware of.

[Avestruz]

You're way too conscious of your own attractiveness. It is just a fact. Everyone has facts to deal with and yours is not such a bad one.

 

Some girls who are really pretty downplay their looks on a regular basis to avoid getting attention. I don't believe in that philosophy, rather in healthy pride of what you have, but you COULD make some changes (shave your head or grow your hair long.. adopt a more down to earth dressing style) to look a bit more approachable.

 

FWIW, all my friends are more "cautious" around particularly good looking guys, but none of us are opposed to it on principle, so the only thing I can think of is that you are surrounded by girls who can't think for themselves. Either that or you may be projecting some vibes you're not aware of.

 

Why are your friends more cautious around good-looking men than others?

[Isolde]

Why are your friends more cautious around good-looking men than others?

 

Most men and most women just need a little more convincing to believe that an extremely attractive person isn't just looking for something casual. But it sounds like you've been demonstrating character. That's why I'm convinced you're hanging around girls that just aren't openminded enough; either that or you may be exuding confusing vibes... OR maybe you've just had really bad luck. To be frank, I have difficulty envisioning why you're having this much trouble, but there you go, life is weird.

 

Just don't let anyone make you become shy. I mean, few people are just at the right level of attractiveness where they're desirable yet approachable, LOL. We ALL have things that make us less approachable than we could be--the thing is this can always be ameliorated, or even vastly improved, by subtle attitude changes.

[Phateless]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I'm curious for an idea of what you look like. Is there a celebrity that you resemble?

 

I've always wondered what life would be like to be extremely good looking. One of my guy friends always causes my female friends to get all retarded because apparently, he's THAT good-looking.