Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 OK, I know, to a degree, I'm throwing myself to the wolves, but what I'm about to ask is a real concern... I'm very handsome and it's always an issue. Not just with women, but with family, friends, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, someone connects it to my physical attributes. I've always been amazed at how much it comes up. Even in the most inappropriate places, such as work. But, what I most care about is how it has been a serious drag in my romantic pursuits. Single women of all levels of attractiveness, hold it against me. They don't trust me, they're intimidated and they don't want to get involved with me because they think they'll just be one of many (I hear this over and over). However, attached women (especially married women) and women that want to make another man jealous seem to think I'm perfect for one night stands and arm candy. I've made a concerted attempt to emphasize my personality to get higher quality women by being more gregarious, interesting, funny and charming. However, that has backfired more than it has worked. Now, women just think I'm a master manipulator. According to them, I'm "too good." I've been accused of performing some kind of 'act.' I seem to press all the fear buttons. And then, when I find success, some former partners have never been able to believe that I "chose" them because I liked them. They felt that there was some other mysterious reason and it was just a matter of time until I took a better option that would inevitably come along. This leads to them sabotaging the relationship. To top it all off, the more I try to convey integrity to assuage mistrust and fear, the more I get tagged as a "good" guy... the final kiss of death. Ladies, can you shed some light on this? What can I do?
Hkizzle Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Lol, wow, that's a strange one. Women don't get it. Players are not necessarily the best looking men around, they're guys with good sweet talk. I always find it amazing how some men can analyze women better than some women can themselves. Gain some weight, look chubbier, unless you want to get plastic surgery to make yourself uglier, haha.
stepka Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Wow that's a tough one. Most women tend to choose a partner who is not as attractive--I see that over and over. Very handsome men tend to push the insecurity buttons big time. I certainly never considered the flip side of not being attractive though, and you sound like a genuinely nice guy. I believe though that you should have integrity--not just try to convey it--that would be true for everyone though, not just very good looking people, and if it's the kiss of death for a relationship, then it's not a good relationship anyway. Also, are you having this same problem even with extremely beautiful women, or have you never met a very beautiful woman that you wanted to date?
Bejita463 Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I get the "you could do better than me" lines a lot as well, and it is infuriating. If I wanted better, I'd get better. I never know what to say to such foolishness. I feel your pain.
theBrokenMuse Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I've had a very handsome friend, who was actually doing male modeling and when I was out him them women wouldn't leave them alone. I can't believe how bold some of them were. It made my jaw drop because they had no idea if we were an item or not but would be extremely aggressive in their flirtations to the point of pretending as though I wasn't even there and trying to squeeze between me and him. Perhaps one of the reasons he used to like hanging out with me was because I never treated him differently or saw him any differently than anyone else. I am sure there has to be other girls out there like that as well - I can't be the only one. You just have to find some down-to-earth, laid back types instead of the girls you are currently pursuing.
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 In reading your post, you say you have made an effort to be more gregarious, witty, etc. And while that is great - it IS in a sense putting on an act. You haven't been "yourself" and I get the feeling that you haven't settled into your own skin. I battled with the same demons. There was a time when I tried to outshine my physicality because I was so conscious of it. But I was trying too hard. I wasn't just being myself anymore. In trying to show everyone I was so much more than looks somehow I drew more attention to my looks. Sort of like a person who is self conscious about a particular physical characteristic like their ears or something and the fact that they are so aware of it, and try to camouflage it, the reverse happens and people notice what they are trying so hard to hide. Once I let the comments go by and gave them the appropriate and genuine "thank you" but moved on to something else comfortably (after a time) those comments were fewer and farther between. The more I just was who I was and acknowledged the "package", which had really nothing to do with me but more the genetic lottery, the more it became less of an issue. Perhaps if you just embrace the fact that you are good looking as one of your many strong qualities it would make a difference. Certainly there are some people who will be envious or comment but the more it makes no difference to you whether they do or not you will settle into a more comfortable existence and draw people who are also more comfortable and confident in who they are. It worked for me.
lord alfred douglas Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Wow that's a tough one. Most women tend to choose a partner who is not as attractive--I see that over and over. Very handsome men tend to push the insecurity buttons big time. Hmn....so thats been the problem all along....
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Wow that's a tough one. Most women tend to choose a partner who is not as attractive--I see that over and over. This is funny. I used to think the same thing when I saw so many less attractive women with decent looking men. So much so that at one point I was dining with my brother and I pointed a couple out and out loud wondered "why do you think he is with her?" to which my brother replied, "oh I don't know, maybe he's not shallow?!". I see a mixture of good looking to good looking, not so good looking to good looking, etc. There are really all kinds with no rhyme or reason to it. I think I just noticed the unattractive women with decent looking men before of my own lack of perspective at that time.
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 I've had a very handsome friend, who was actually doing male modeling and when I was out him them women wouldn't leave them alone. I can't believe how bold some of them were. It made my jaw drop because they had no idea if we were an item or not but would be extremely aggressive in their flirtations to the point of pretending as though I wasn't even there and trying to squeeze between me and him. Perhaps one of the reasons he used to like hanging out with me was because I never treated him differently or saw him any differently than anyone else. I am sure there has to be other girls out there like that as well - I can't be the only one. You just have to find some down-to-earth, laid back types instead of the girls you are currently pursuing. That happens when I'm with women as well. The other ladies feel safe because you're there. They want what you appear to have. I'll bet it's a different story when he's alone. Once this happens with female friends of mine, they won't go out with me again...jealousy. It perpetuates the image that I get all the women I could ever want and I'm up to no good when no one is watching.
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 In reading your post, you say you have made an effort to be more gregarious, witty, etc. And while that is great - it IS in a sense putting on an act. You haven't been "yourself" and I get the feeling that you haven't settled into your own skin. I battled with the same demons. There was a time when I tried to outshine my physicality because I was so conscious of it. But I was trying too hard. I wasn't just being myself anymore. In trying to show everyone I was so much more than looks somehow I drew more attention to my looks. Sort of like a person who is self conscious about a particular physical characteristic like their ears or something and the fact that they are so aware of it, and try to camouflage it, the reverse happens and people notice what they are trying so hard to hide. Once I let the comments go by and gave them the appropriate and genuine "thank you" but moved on to something else comfortably (after a time) those comments were fewer and farther between. The more I just was who I was and acknowledged the "package", which had really nothing to do with me but more the genetic lottery, the more it became less of an issue. Perhaps if you just embrace the fact that you are good looking as one of your many strong qualities it would make a difference. Certainly there are some people who will be envious or comment but the more it makes no difference to you whether they do or not you will settle into a more comfortable existence and draw people who are also more comfortable and confident in who they are. It worked for me. Good advice.
shadowplay Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Please post a pic. You've piqued my curiosity.
shadowplay Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I'm kind of surprised this would ever be a problem for a guy. A girl I can see.
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 OK, I know, to a degree, I'm throwing myself to the wolves, but what I'm about to ask is a real concern... I'm very handsome and it's always an issue. Not just with women, but with family, friends, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, someone connects it to my physical attributes. I've always been amazed at how much it comes up. Even in the most inappropriate places, such as work. But, what I most care about is how it has been a serious drag in my romantic pursuits. Single women of all levels of attractiveness, hold it against me. They don't trust me, they're intimidated and they don't want to get involved with me because they think they'll just be one of many (I hear this over and over). However, attached women (especially married women) and women that want to make another man jealous seem to think I'm perfect for one night stands and arm candy. I've made a concerted attempt to emphasize my personality to get higher quality women by being more gregarious, interesting, funny and charming. However, that has backfired more than it has worked. Now, women just think I'm a master manipulator. According to them, I'm "too good." I've been accused of performing some kind of 'act.' I seem to press all the fear buttons. And then, when I find success, some former partners have never been able to believe that I "chose" them because I liked them. They felt that there was some other mysterious reason and it was just a matter of time until I took a better option that would inevitably come along. This leads to them sabotaging the relationship. To top it all off, the more I try to convey integrity to assuage mistrust and fear, the more I get tagged as a "good" guy... the final kiss of death. Ladies, can you shed some light on this? What can I do? Not a lady, but as a man I can tell you this: You need to focus on finding women who are strong/confident and balanced. Women who are comfortable around you and not intimidated or insecure. The more attractive someone is, the more difficult it is to find a significant other who is comfortable, trusting, confident and secure. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, per say, but I think that you could be working on a few ways to talk to them to make them more comfortable around you. More importantly, you need to make sure you push away the married women and the women that are interested in using you for their own purposes. It's easy to figure this out when their actions and words are not in harmony with each other. Personally, I would say use an online dating site like Match. I would also suggest that you find a "mentor", a guy you look up to that is more experienced than you who you could learn from. I am not saying you need to be coached but I think that having someone you can talk to and bounce ideas off of would help a lot. Bottom line: You have to love and respect yourself. If you are able to do that you'll be better able to discern who is sincere and who is using you -- and you won't put up with bad apples.
deux ex machina Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 ...The more attractive someone is, the more difficult it is to find a significant other who is comfortable, trusting, confident and secure... Lol, what?
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 Not a lady, but as a man I can tell you this: You need to focus on finding women who are strong/confident and balanced. Women who are comfortable around you and not intimidated or insecure. The more attractive someone is, the more difficult it is to find a significant other who is comfortable, trusting, confident and secure. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, per say, but I think that you could be working on a few ways to talk to them to make them more comfortable around you. More importantly, you need to make sure you push away the married women and the women that are interested in using you for their own purposes. It's easy to figure this out when their actions and words are not in harmony with each other. Personally, I would say use an online dating site like Match. I would also suggest that you find a "mentor", a guy you look up to that is more experienced than you who you could learn from. I am not saying you need to be coached but I think that having someone you can talk to and bounce ideas off of would help a lot. Bottom line: You have to love and respect yourself. If you are able to do that you'll be better able to discern who is sincere and who is using you -- and you won't put up with bad apples. I think you are right. I've done some work on myself (much more required). Even with small improvements, I've started to see people differently in all kinds of social relationships. I'm starting to be attracted to different kinds of people and vice versa. Good suggestion about helping people feel comfortable. My personality is fairly intense, so I'm told. The last woman I was with sort of got lost in the middle of it all and sincerely asked me to help her more in finding her way in the relationship. At the time, I interpreted it as a sign of her own shortcoming. In hindsight, there wouldn't have been anything wrong with acknowledging my impact on another person and softening my edges.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Wow, unfortunetly I am guilty of this and intimidated by good looking men. There is infact a really good looking man at my gym that I would love to talk to or have him talk to me but I freeze up anytime he comes within two feet of me. I am assumptions about him and who he is based on his looks when he might not be that way at all. But the fear gets the best of me everytime. It's not just a matter of his looks though. I have seen other equally attractive men that do not have the same affect on me. Regarldess, OP you don't happen to live in the tri state area? I think you will find a woman that is comfortable with herself and with you to look past your good looks and see who yo ureally are. Keep being the man you want to be. Don't conform to apease others. I think it sounds like you have some really fantastic traits and if a woman doesn't believe it's genuine , then you shouldn't waste it on her. I think really good looking people can have difficult time at dating for the same reason someone less attractive again. Perceptions of how someone looks and not being approachable to the "average person". What type of women do you go for and where do you try to meet women? Maybe that is also part of the issue.
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement... and I know you weren't asking for advice, but I think you should just make eye contact with the guy at your gym. He'll do the rest. If he asks you out, I'm curious what you'll do since you've acknowledged your intimidation. As far as where to meet women? That's the question we all have. I know it's cliche, and there is probably an entire forum topic about this, but all the girls I talk to end up having boyfriends (ok, so some of them are lying, I know).
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement... and I know you weren't asking for advice, but I think you should just make eye contact with the guy at your gym. He'll do the rest. If he asks you out, I'm curious what you'll do since you've acknowledged your intimidation. As far as where to meet women? That's the question we all have. I know it's cliche, and there is probably an entire forum topic about this, but all the girls I talk to end up having boyfriends (ok, so some of them are lying, I know).
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Wow, unfortunetly I am guilty of this and intimidated by good looking men. There is infact a really good looking man at my gym that I would love to talk to or have him talk to me but I freeze up anytime he comes within two feet of me. I am assumptions about him and who he is based on his looks when he might not be that way at all. But the fear gets the best of me everytime. It's not just a matter of his looks though. I have seen other equally attractive men that do not have the same affect on me. Not to thread jack here but... Jersey, here is some advice for you and ALL women when it comes to a man you are interested in. If you act even remotely intimidated by him, he will assume you aren't interested in him simply because you aren't making eye contact AND smiling at him. Eye contact isn't enough. I lock eyes all the time with women I am interested in but I often forget to SMILEat them. Smiling + eye contact says: "Hey, I'm interested in you!" (mostly). If you don't smile and make eye contact then he will assume you aren't interested in him. That said, if you smile and make eye contact and he doesn't return it, assume he isn't interested. Men can easily, easlily pick up on women who are interested in them when they smile and make eye contact (or even say HI!). If you do this and he doesn't reciprocate (leaving the door open for you to introduce yourself) then you know he isn't interested. Don't take it personal because some people may be in a relationship, having a bad hair day or whatever. Just go to the next guy you are interested in, wash/rinse/repeat until you've started a casual friendship with them. That will leave the door open for you to explore the possiblity of a relationship in more depth. Cheers.
lord alfred douglas Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 You could just take a blade to your face and make yourself vunerable looking forever
MadDriver Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 You could just take a blade to your face and make yourself vunerable looking forever Totally agree. If OP is so god-damn hot then he should just move to LA to get knocked down a notch or two...
Phateless Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 OK, I know, to a degree, I'm throwing myself to the wolves, but what I'm about to ask is a real concern... I'm very handsome and it's always an issue. Not just with women, but with family, friends, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, strangers, etc. Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, someone connects it to my physical attributes. I've always been amazed at how much it comes up. Even in the most inappropriate places, such as work. But, what I most care about is how it has been a serious drag in my romantic pursuits. Single women of all levels of attractiveness, hold it against me. They don't trust me, they're intimidated and they don't want to get involved with me because they think they'll just be one of many (I hear this over and over). However, attached women (especially married women) and women that want to make another man jealous seem to think I'm perfect for one night stands and arm candy. I've made a concerted attempt to emphasize my personality to get higher quality women by being more gregarious, interesting, funny and charming. However, that has backfired more than it has worked. Now, women just think I'm a master manipulator. According to them, I'm "too good." I've been accused of performing some kind of 'act.' I seem to press all the fear buttons. And then, when I find success, some former partners have never been able to believe that I "chose" them because I liked them. They felt that there was some other mysterious reason and it was just a matter of time until I took a better option that would inevitably come along. This leads to them sabotaging the relationship. To top it all off, the more I try to convey integrity to assuage mistrust and fear, the more I get tagged as a "good" guy... the final kiss of death. Ladies, can you shed some light on this? What can I do? I say you need to change the WAY you meet women. If you're meeting them at bars and clubs, then what do you expect? Have you tried online dating? This allows you to do more filtering for someone that's not plagued with low self-esteem and insecurities. You just have to disqualify anyone that doesn't seem confident enough to come to grips with your appearance. What about some sort of social group that allows you to get to know people gradually? They can form their impressions of you over time and realize that you're not about jumping from woman to woman. Swing and salsa dancing has been a blast for me. I'm good looking, but not THAT good looking, lol. Thoughts?
Author Avestruz Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 That's where I was born, raised and now live.
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 That's where I was born, raised and now live. And the point goes to: Avestruz! LOL You really do seem like you have a really great sense of humor. And that post about softening your edges shows you are open to self evaluation and remedy. I think Phateless has a point about where you meet women. Salsa clubs may be a great place. The women there are generally confident and out to enjoy themselves. Meeting them there would take the pressure off it being a pick up and make it all more of a social event or a party. You know how easy it is to mingle at a party I'm sure. What do you think?
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