do you think i said this right? worried about LDR in the future...

[jumi]

so my worries and fears tend to amplify at night... and I don't want to email him when my head is not clear. but i have an issue that is bugging me and it feels better to write it down and get it out... so this is my blurt of thoughts that i just wrote down....

 

please tell me how well you think i explained myself, if i sound too controlling or anything negative. my main fear of talking to him about this is that I don't want him to feel like i am confining/restricting him ... or that i'm too needy/clingy.

 

this is what i wrote: (but did not send)

 

 

i'm afraid that in the future,

long distance is going to become even longer,

i'm looking forward to when long-distance will end

and we can be together in the future and share more

of our lives together... im afraid that something big,

like an out-of-country job, is going to separate us

farther than we've ever been apart. the frequency of seeing

eachother each weekend in college is nice...at the end of the

week we are there for eachother, but i'm afraid of living

2 completley separate lives if i am stuck in college and youre

working a job 1000s of miles away. i want to travel with you

and it excites me to share the adventures and milestones in my

life with you, at my side. it stresses me out to think of having

to do that journey alone without the person i love.

 

i know that in any strong relationship we need to support

eachother's decisions and have personal concern for ourselves,

and i want to respect that, but i do need the security of feeling that

you want me by your side to share the next steps in your life together too.

 

after all the rambling, the essential question is...

do you think you'll stay around and be here with me while i finish

school in the next few years, and then see where life has lead us to

at that point. being older and further ahead in school you make the first

decisions about your future ... which indirectly affects me too,

i just feel stuck back here..

still a ways away from getting my degree.. and the feeling makes me panicky.

 

*end*

 

(he is graduating from college this semester... i am just going into my sophomore year in college...he is studying abroad right now for 10 weeks)

[Island Girl]

Hi -

 

What you wrote is disjointed and jumps around a bit.

 

It reads like it is all over the place.

 

So you may want to rearrange it and make it more clear.

 

I wrote many of these types of letters in dealing with the beginning and first couple of years of distance. I always took a different approach in relaying the fear of the distance and getting confirmation from him.

I tend to spell out what my expectations are, what I need, and then we are on the same page with how best to keep the relationship going.

 

In any event, I hope that is helpful.

[Ingenue]

Jumi,

 

Bear in mind that I'm a horrible advice giver, here's my two cents.

 

I'd also rearrange your letter as well, perhaps starting with the more direct (essential) question and then stating why you have your concerns. That way he is completely clear where you stand. Perhaps you could start with something like:

 

Hi [insert name],

 

Over the past few days I've been thinking whether you'd still be here for me as I finish my last two years of college. [Then you could launch into why you're concerned?].

 

 

I'm not very good at letter writing, but I do know that if your train of thought isn't more "tight", the reader may get lost in what you're saying. Hope this helps and good luck

[jumi]

dont worry ingenue that was good advice :-p

 

i know the letter is very scattered, i wrote it late at night just spilling my thoughts out... it's not an email im going to send, it's just a reminder of points i want to say

 

i was just wondering if you all thing i sound controlling etc.

[Rollercoasterr]

I dont think that you sound controlling, but I do think that it's not really fair to ask someone to "stick around" for 2 years when they should be finding a career. I know that in my fiance's field, if he doesn't work for a certain amount of time in his correct field, then he becomes obsolete. Just a thought for you. What will you do if it's harder for him in the long run because he "stuck around"? You don't think that your relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance even if it meant a better and brighter future for the two of you once you're done with school? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to make you think.

 

I do think that your letter needs some major rearrangement if you DO decide to send it at a later date. It looks almost poetry-like.

 

Good luck

[jumi]

I dont think that you sound controlling, but I do think that it's not really fair to ask someone to "stick around" for 2 years when they should be finding a career. I know that in my fiance's field, if he doesn't work for a certain amount of time in his correct field, then he becomes obsolete. Just a thought for you. What will you do if it's harder for him in the long run because he "stuck around"? You don't think that your relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance even if it meant a better and brighter future for the two of you once you're done with school? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to make you think.

 

I do think that your letter needs some major rearrangement if you DO decide to send it at a later date. It looks almost poetry-like.

 

Good luck

 

 

you are right, i do realize that the decision he makes would be for the best for his future career. and I asked myself how far I'd be willing to go to keep him in my life, and I believe I'd go through a firestorm if it meant he'd be there for me on the other side. yes I would wait 2 years if it meant I could have a future with him. Mostly, I just want him to be aware that since he is in the lead as far as starting a life and ending school, that i feel a little helpless and panicky and want him to be aware of my feelings too.

[Island Girl]

you are right, i do realize that the decision he makes would be for the best for his future career. and I asked myself how far I'd be willing to go to keep him in my life, and I believe I'd go through a firestorm if it meant he'd be there for me on the other side. yes I would wait 2 years if it meant I could have a future with him. Mostly, I just want him to be aware that since he is in the lead as far as starting a life and ending school, that i feel a little helpless and panicky and want him to be aware of my feelings too.

 

Then THIS is what you say.

 

Talk about yourself and your feelings instead of questioning him.

 

Let him know that you are prepared to go through whatever it is for however long it is because the eventuality is the two of you together.

 

Encourage his perspective but the hard line questions aren't going to get you what you need. It seems like they will but they won't.

 

You are just starting the distance. Your feelings are understandable and valid. But I would urge you to get more vulnerable in your communication now. It will help you a lot through this next time in the relationship when distance has entered the picture.