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They're moving in together- it should have been me


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Posted

Hey

My first boyfriend and I dated from ages 16-20. We were each other's first everything and as young love goes we were the golden, inseperable, look-to couple. Of course we broke up and it was agony when he got another girlfriend only months later. I am confident to admit that I cheered a little when I saw they had broken up recently. Recently I've been seeing how happy his life has become and him having turned into a pretty sound guy 2 years down the line. I have this strange feeling of missing him. We've each had other partners since and I hope this is just me with the green-eyed monster because I'm single at the moment. I cant help thinking that the new girlfriend that he's moving in with should in fact be me? They've been dating literally a couple of months since his last big relationship after me and these were our plans! Somehow I always hoped they may still pan out in the future and that after mucking about with various insignificant others that we were like Harry and Sally, best friends and soulmates.

I love him still, in the way you will always love your first love but I fear I'm confusing this for missing him emotionally. We live in different cities now but I still find myself wanting only to call and see him when I'm back home. I hope that when I am home I will hear of their dramatic breakup and I'll be the one he can turn to.

 

Someone straighten me out please?! Should it have been me? Am I just vindictive?!

Posted

nope, you're not. Just hopelessly confused about old feelings for someone and thinking "this guy is the one" simply because he was your first great love.

 

look, as much as it hurts, be as happy as you can for him that he's able to take the good from your relationship (in this case, the capability of loving someone and sharing it with another person), and try to do the same for yourself. That time you were together was a kind of growing experience where you learned what capacity of love you possess, and that doesn't end just because the relationship did. He gets that, and you need to allow yourself to understand that message, too.

 

let him be that shining memory you keep, but don't allow it to hold you back from discovering love with someone else. You'd be selling yourself short, and in my book, making a mockery of your relationship with him, because you wouldn't be taking those beautiful things you learned and applying elsewhere.

 

once, a long time ago, I fell madly in love in college, and I thought that guy was The One. I even thought about getting pregnant by him at one point, though in reality, we didn't have a real relationship past being lovers! When it ended (he was sleeping with his best friend's wife at the same time as me, and they decided to run off together), I thought my world ended, and I moped and moaned and believed that was my one shot at everlasting, true love.

 

looking back 20 years later, I see that yeah, I was in love, but thankfully I got over it. And the guy I ended up marrying ... the relationship is NOTHING like what I had with the college guy. My husband's not perfect, and has a habit of driving me nuts at times, and I realize I'm never going to be in love with him the way I was with College Guy, but you know what? That's all right. Because what we have is based in reality, and much, much more satisfying that some imperfect relationship I idealized so long ago.

 

I think that if you allow yourself the chance, you're going to discover the same thing. Your ex may look perfect, and you may honestly believe that he is the only one you're ever meant to have ... but there's someone out there who is the other half of the orange (the right match), who can create with you a life that's much richer, if you'll only give him the chance by letting go of this fairy-tale ideal you have of your first love.

 

hugs,

q

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