little_miss_muffin Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I met my friend who I will call 'M' through my boyfriend as she is going out with my boyfriends best friend. We didn't really know each other well, but now we have become good friends. She is the loveliest girl and she adores her boyfriend 'R'. My boyfriend however, has told me of things which his friend has done behind M's back. They have been from some time ago, and up to quite recently. One thing which always pops up first in my mind, is that R went out with one of his friends, and booked a hotel. They then both hired a couple of hookers to the room. I don't know if 'R' was feeling some sort of guilt - but he basically couldn't get hard - even though this hooker was doing things to him, and then the hookers ended up leaving. Another time about 4 months ago, R was talking to a girl online, and was going to meet up with her just for sex! He didn't in the end but that's not the point! He has kissed a few girls, and I just can't stand it any longer! And I don't know why my boyfriend hasn't even had a sit down with him and told him it's wrong! My boyfriend has told me not to tell M, but it's so hard for me, when I hear her talking about how happy she is with him. They've been together for almost 4 years, she's planning a life with him. I think he is totally disrespectful to her, and she is just so oblivious to it all! If I tell her, I would be the one breaking them both up, and it would also end my relationship with my boyfriend, and it would also ruin my boyfriends and R's friendship. If I don't say anything, then my lovely friend will continue to be treat this way and I hate it! I love her so much and she deserves better. Today we were discussing our relationships and she even said to me, 'Has (my boyfriend) ever told you if 'R' has ever done anything behind my back? Please be honest.' I had to say no.... I hate lying, it makes me feel sick. Should I continue to deny what he's done, or take some kind of action? Please please help! Thanks xxx
Tayla Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Most adults would use gentle honesty. Put the ball back in the court and ask the inquirer..."hmmm if you have to ask then what does that say about your suspcions? Chances are...they already know the answer. 99% of the time a person just wants someone to be in their corner and help them thru their own denial. No one likes to be told they had a poor sense of judgment....
donnamaybe Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Tell her. Period. If she's a friend like you say.
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 If it were me - I'd handle the matter a bit differently. Out of respect for my boyfriend's friendship with this guy and not wanting to cause problems between them because of his disclosure to me I would go directly to the guy. I would pull the offender aside and have a conversation that went something like this: I know you and (my BF) are good friends. And I would think that if he were doing something stupid like getting ready to drive drunk or walk into a brick wall that would hurt him you would help him to avoid it. You'd tell him or stop him, right? <of course he'll answer yes> Well, I am aware of things happening that are extremely hurtful to (GF) and she and I have become really close friends. So that puts me in a precarious position doesn't it? Because I do not want my friend to be hurt and I am now fully aware that she IS being hurt. I am going to leave it up to you to handle within the next 24 hours. Confess and try to work it out, break up with her, or whatever you want to do. But in 24 hours I will be talking to her and letting her know about the betrayal in your relationship with the facts of what I know as well. So you better tell it like it is and tell all. He won't know what you know and what you don't know and you took it directly to him as well. So it sits squarely in his lap. And if it wasn't addressed I'd be gathering the "proof" which is whatever I could get and I'd take it to her and let her know exactly what I knew, how I knew, and that I had already confronted her boyfriend to come clean himself. ** Before all of this I'd have a similar conversation with my boyfriend where I pointed out that he would save his friend from pain and heartache and that if he was going to hold it against me for being a caring loyal friend then he and I were apparently on different pages. Either he doesn't appreciate me being that kind of person, which incidentally is why I am a trustworthy girlfriend, or he is putting his friendship with this guy before our relationship and that's a problem too. Depending upon his reaction to the conversation he could end up getting fired right then. And if I fired my boyfriend - then I wouldn't talk to the friend I'd do as the other posters suggest and go directly to her and spill it.
freestyle Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Island Girl`s response is awesome, very carefully thought out....... There`s just one possibility, however: What if the cheating boyfriend responds by painting you out to be a liar, or a pot-stirrer, or both? Do you have any concrete evidence to back up what you say if that happens? If it does go down like that,it will be on your bf`s shoulders to back you up.(this will be a crossroads moment in your relationship) It would be better to let him know before hand, so you can find out which side he`ll take. Ack, what a horrible mess. And what a crappy position you`ve been put in through no fault of your own. I`ve been in your shoes, and I was very unfairly painted as a liar when I tried to do the right thing............................just wanted to warn you that this could happen. Please let us know how it works out.
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Island Girl`s response is awesome, very carefully thought out....... Thank you for the compliment. There`s just one possibility, however: What if the cheating boyfriend responds by painting you out to be a liar, or a pot-stirrer, or both? Do you have any concrete evidence to back up what you say if that happens? Perhaps there is concrete evidence to be had. But even if there wasn't, if it were me I'd lay it out there. If my "friend" chose to believe a lie that it wasn't as I said well then to me she doesn't know my character at all and we aren't as close friends as I presumed. If that friendship was ended because of it then so be it. My conscience would be clear. If it does go down like that,it will be on your bf`s shoulders to back you up.(this will be a crossroads moment in your relationship) It would be better to let him know before hand, so you can find out which side he`ll take. As I said at the end of my post I'd talk to my boyfriend first. Given his responses and how the conversation went he may or may not be my boyfriend at the end of it. I am a loyal and steadfast friend and lover. Either he sees those things, appreciates them and is the same, OR he is not and I completely misjudged him so we are not a compatible match. But I cut bait quickly when it comes to character. I refuse to waste time on someone who has shaky values and doesn't see me or our relationship as a priority. And OP - please do let us know what happens whatever you choose to do.
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