stay or go?

[rainbowsandkittens]

sigh. i just wrote the longest thing ever and lost it. well, maybe that was for the best. lol.

 

here's my story: i have been dating someone who's nearing the end of their divorce process for 3 months. i knew his wife (though she and i were not friend and we didn't start dating until well after they were seperated). i should say they've been seperated now for 8.5 months. he refers to himself as my boyfriend, has met my friends and some family (not my parents). i have met 2 coworkers of his and noone else. we spend about 3-5 night a week together and have for the entire time.

 

this friday we had a litle talk about us, very vague. i was not that happy. woke up sat morning and ran an errand for him. did not see each other the rest of the day. sat night i checked fb and he had put up a new pic that was very obviously an online dating pic. so i checked the site we had both been on and lo and behold he had put up a new profile. i confronted him on the phone and he admitted that he wanted to see other people. he's not ready for a committed relationship. but he does not want to lose or replace me. he, in a perfect world, would like to continue to date me and be my boyfriend and do family things but still date other women. he was with his ex for 13 years and feels like he never got a change to do that. (he did date before we got together and was with someone for about 2+ months when we met). there were a lot of tears and we agreed to sleep on it.

 

sunday we spent the day together and he talked about things we would do in the future. finally we spoke about us and i told him i can't see him while he dates other people. i don;t care of he hits on girls in bars and gets numbers. i care about him wooing people and first kisses. i tried to think of rules we could make and things we could do and nothing seemed fair. and i think the more limitations i posed on him the more he would fight them. i asked him for one last week together (don't ask it was just something i needed and i'm getting a lot of slack from my friends about it). i asked him NOT to date for one week.

 

yesterday we were together in the morning. i got to work and checked my computer and it turns out he reposted his dating profile. i felt like someone punched me in the chest. i asked for a week and he didn't last 12 hours. i said nothing. he made jokey comments via im all day about how i was breaking up with him (said it in the am too). i told him it was not my choice but his. he asked me at one point if we would still watch our fave show after we're "broken up" and i said no. he said "really?" i said "when we're broken up that's it, done. no fb, no im'ing, nothing." he got VERY upset and said he was very hurt and didn't realize, etc. we agreed to talk about it later. which did not happen. i will say i checked his online profile today (I know. i know). and sometime last night he changed what he was looking for from dating to friends. not sure if that means something (one of my friends thinks it means he knows i'm reading it but i don't think that matters to him).

 

i don't know what to do. should i cut him off completely? no fb, no iming as i said? should i keep him as a friend on fb? is there a way to make this work?

 

i have done a ton of reading online and everything i've read makes me believe this is classic rebound/ transitional relationship (i've helped him find a new apt, buy furniture, get some of his divorce stuff settled, ugh). but of course i want to think i'm the exception and not the rule. i will say if i stay things need to change. he's VERY selfish (also classic divorcing behavior though i have heard he was the total opposite during marraige), never says thank you (actually had a bit of a blow up about it sunday night and last night he thanked me over and over for something), always does things that are what he wants to do when he wants to do it when it's convientant to him. he is a great guy and we have out of this world chemistry and it's been 10 years since i've been involved with anyone so i'm really scared about letting this go but i don't know what else to do.

 

any advice would be greatly appreciated (even if you say just what my friends say: dump him!)

[rainbowsandkittens]

sorry for all the typos. eek.

[deux ex machina]

I think you have come to the correct conclusion when you say you will have to break it off.

 

Maybe with a lot of time you can figure something out, get back together -- but do NOT hold your breath on that at all. Live your life.

 

What he is doing is pretty classic, you're right.

 

I think you are very insightful. You've thought this thing through rationally and know where this is headed if you should stay.

 

He cannot have his cake and eat it too, because you aren't on the same page with that...it can get really ugly if you hang around him. You know this.

 

If anything can be possibly salvaged from this, I do think walking away now is the wisest course of action.

 

I'm sorry this hasn't worked out.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thanks deux. Of course I wanted you to say 'stay! He loves you- even if he is emotionally stunted and can't show it!' Lol. But you're right. Darn. Even thinking about makes me tear up. I should have known better. Well, I did. I just didn't care. Thanks so much!

[deux ex machina]

You're welcome, sweetheart.

 

You never did a thing wrong, you just loved a man who isn't altogether "there" yet...

 

I know, it really, really hurts. Take good care of you now. There's a coping section here that can really be helpful to you, this forum is wonderful.

 

Again, I am so sorry.

 

*big hugs*

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thanks again deux. It does really really hurt. I feel like I literally can't breathe and just reading your posts is making me tear up. This doesn't last that long right? Will check out the coping forum. Thanks.

[deux ex machina]

You are going through a loss.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199449/

 

It won't last forever, I promise.

[rainbowsandkittens]

i don't know what to do. we gave it another week. spent some time together last week.

 

friday he accidentally ims me something he was sending someone else from the dating site. we both got very upset and he said he thought we did need a break and that he was very upset that he kept hurting me. we decided to keep our plans and go away for the weekend. we did and had the best time. spent it telling each other we loved each other etc. last night he told me he loved me and that he thought we could work it out in the long run (i forget exactly what he said). later i asked him what he meant and he said "love is love and it's not going to go away. i see us together for a very long time." so i asked him if he still wanted to take a break. he said yes, he thought we should. i asked him what he thought that meant. he said we could still email and talk on the phone if we needed each other (we don't talk a lot on the phone. mainly in person or texting) but not see each other. we're both going through some major stuff and have been helping each other through it. i asked him how long he thought we needed this break. he said a week or two. i said i was thinking more like a month or two. so he said, ok, 4 weeks. i didn't say anything else. this morning he started emailing me first thing with stuff to help me with the financial stuff i'm going through. back and forth all day. then he offered to come over this week to fix my internet and something on my computer. he's going to do something for my mom tonight too. he also offered to be with me, either on the phone or in person, when i deal with somethings i need to do.

 

i don't know what to think of all this. is this a break? should i insist on nc? should actions speak louder than words? he has mentioned that we're friends above everything else (um, not in my opinion) so is this him just trying to be my friend? i don't know how i feel about just being friends with him. in other breakups in the past i knew i couldn't or didn't want to be friends with them. i was so mad that i didn't want anything to do with them. but this doesn't feel like that.

 

help! please!

[rainbowsandkittens]

no one? am i too pathetic?