Sinner86 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 **warning** LONG ENTRY I'm looking for advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 2 months, prior to that he was married for six years, his divorce finalized before our 1 year anniversary. Things have been reasonably good between us and we have managed to always mend our arguments, in the interim he has allowed me to become close with his parents, especially his mother. When I visit or spend the night/weekend over she always takes care of me very well and I do the same for her. However, there are a few issues that cause me to constantly feel unstable. He has a bad habit of ignoring me when we're amongst others. If I'm with his parents, it's okay, he'll talk to me and we'll sit next to each other and so on and so on, but amongst other family members I'm like the plague which I can't understand. I know that we've talked before and he has said to me that he's not ready for marriage, and I agree dually that I am not either. I'm 23 and he's 28 and I need to get myself together financially before I can even fathom being married while he is in a huge transition process from being married to divorce, losing his job and being unemployed (though he works part time elsewhere) and being newly single or "divorced" before his family (many did not even know about his divorce because he feared his ex-wife would file against him claiming adultery because he was with me). Understanding that there's much going on, I still feel like I don't deserve to be ignored. Last weekend his mother's sister and her husband came to visit. I usually go over every single weekend unless he goes out of town, or I have something to do with my own family, I am never NOT there at least one out of the three days. He didn't call me all weekend to say hi or to see what I was doing, and I didn't want to go over there and be an intruder to an intimate family visit. Sunday he went to the amusement park and did not invite me along when he knew I had been pressing to go. Maybe it's my unstable self-esteem speaking but I felt as if he was embarrassed by me or something that he didn't want me to be around his family. Either that or he just wasn't ready to show his new "girlfriend" yet to anyone. I I don't know but I spoke to his mom yesterday, and very casually asked her how she was and how the weekend was, she said that the weekend was good and she was disappointed that I had not stopped by to see her relatives and meet them. She asked me if I was busy and I couldn't help by feel a bunch of well up in my eyes. She said she asked him where I was and he said he didn't know, and Sunday she asked him if he had invited me along to the park and he said no that I wouldn't go. Am I making a big deal, is his fear of commitment eating him up, or is something else going on? Help!
Author Sinner86 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Sounds like he's embarrassed about being divorced around his family, you being the materialization of that fact. He's only been actually divorced for two months, so sure, I'd say he's embarrassed about being together with someone two months after having divorced his wife. Either he has to man up and face the consequences for the things he's done, or you need to omit yourself from his family gatherings until he accepts you. If you can't be with a guy that is embarrassed by his relationship with you, which would be understandable, then it needs to cool off until he is. No No, I'm NOT the reason they got divorced. They had started the divorce process prior to our relationship beginning, but because we were together durng the whole process he feared she would change the grounds for divorce from 'irreconcilable differences" to "adultery" or something else.
loveslife Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I don't think the point is that you were seeing him after he was separated. You're making it painfully (?) obvious to him and to others that he's no longer married. That the woman he promised to be with for the rest of his life is no longer with him. That he failed. Maybe he needs some time to be alone? It's hard for people to make judgements on the basis of a short couple of paragraphs. But does it really matter if he's embarrassed or afraid of commitment? For whatever reason he's not willing to commit. Does it matter why? Can you ask him?
dreamergrl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 OP, have you talked to him about all this yet?
Author Sinner86 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Honestly, I HAVE spoken to him about it and he has told me very clearly and honestly that he loves me,very much and that he sees a future with me but right now marriage is not an option. I understand that much, seeing that he's newly divorced and all and out of a job, but why is it OKAY for me to have met his parents, take care of their needs, sleep over his house, take care of things for his whole immediate family but have to get ignored by him in public amongst his aunts, uncles, and cousins? I don't need him to openly introduce me to every single relative, but to blatantly IGNORE me? I will pass by him and gently pull his pant leg or smile at him and he'll ignore me. WTF?! Translate that for me in man terms.
loveslife Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I don't need him to openly introduce me to every single relative, but to blatantly IGNORE me? I will pass by him and gently pull his pant leg or smile at him and he'll ignore me. Wow, that's cold.
sugarmomma Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Wow, that's cold. I agree and it sounds like a preview of what she can look forward to. This behavior is just in his character. I would address it once and if he does it again I would let him move on to find someone who can deal with his issues. The fact that he didn't deal with the end of the divorce and jumped right into another r with you says a lot about how he handles conflict. He may need some time to himself and some space from you. A normal person would be appreciative of you by the way you describe yourself but an unhealthy person would take you for granted. Stop doing so much and making yourself so available for him and his family. Detach!!
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