Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 So then, in actuality we're just gonna say that I didnt even flirt with the guy. because you say enjoying a conversation in general isnt flirting. but giving a guy your number and coaxing him into buying you breakfast, when you should have been on your way home isn't just enjoying a conversation with the guy. If he was in his car, and I was in my friend's. And we sat at the dinner we merely sat next to each other... i mean what does that mean? "It means love should have brought you ass home" that night -- Halle Berry in Boomerang.
AAlike Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 He said Diva, i just want to let you know that I do love you. do you actually go by "Diva" in real life? It really is hard for me to believe that someone that refers to themselves as Diva, even in internet persona, and has an avatar of a stiletto heel is going to ever want to be a homebody... to requote your post, as I re-read it: "I mean it was like the first time he's really opened up about his past... His thing is, he said he used to do things like this when he was in relationships that he was not happy in, go out, and get some girls number, just to make himself feel better or raise his self esteem... So he sees what I did, as me not happy in my relationship and seeking solace in others. - Not true. But that's how he feels." it appears that he has finally opened up enough to give you the steps toward any possible resolution...if what he feels really not true (which I am not sure I am convinced of, but you know, not I), you need to convince him in any way possible that it is in fact untrue. that means putting your "it wasn't that bad" and "I don't deserve to be punished" aside for a bit and shift the focus towards proving to him that you're happy. he probably, and understandably, feels like he is losing or has lost you.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Exactly. If you are getting your needs met or home, or are with the right person, then you aren't out looking for action from others. You just don't. And I wouldn't say he's not a good catch because he's a homebody. It just more illustrates their social incompatibility. Happens with a big age difference. then if you aren't getting what you want at home, break up and find someone that will give you what you want at home. You don't just go out and get whatever your missing from someone else. If that were the case, I'd have went out and gotten blowjobs when I was married.
Author LaDiva Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 but giving a guy your number and coaxing him into buying you breakfast, when you should have been on your way home isn't just enjoying a conversation with the guy. "It means love should have brought you ass home" that night -- Halle Berry in Boomerang. lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't breathe.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 So i find my self, starting to cry and then I stop myself, because dammit, I'm still straddling the fence about whether or not, I should be punished for being dumb. its not about you being punished for being dumb. you really have to step outside yourself and see how this looks from his angle. he doesn't know what to think. here is what he knows...you go out clubbing, stay out all night, come home after the wee hours in the morning having breakfast with some guy, and he texts you as if something happened. Granted, what he wrote in the text was inappropriate and doesn't cast a good light on what your true actions were that evening....but your fiance doesn't know that nothing happened and can't really know. All he knows is a guy texts you that YOU gave your phone # to. of course he is going to think something went on. I'd be thinking the same thing and the trust would be broken. unfortunately for you, there is NO WAY, other than a lie detector test, to prove you didn't do anything. Your friend could tell the story...but this is a friend that he probably doesn't trust and would just think that she is covering for you....especially given her character while at the clubs. So you have to see this from his point of view. He doesn't want to punish you....he thinks you cheated and the trust is gone. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, and at the same time feel bad for you. this is why clubbing without a s/o, and giving out phone numbers is a HORRIBLE idea. But you already know that. So i say can I talk to you? He says for what? WHAT ATTITUDE... just want to punch him in the face. oh no you don't. YOU messed up big time. He is entitled to his attitude. You'd be thinking the same thing if a girl texted him in a sexy tone after being out all night and going to breakfast with her. you can't punch him in the face for an attitude that was brought about by YOUR actions. He says I'm good. Make a long story short, we end up arguing for two hours about what happened. ok, and does he flat out accuse you of cheating? Did you tell him everything blow by blow? Maybe you should arrange a meeting between the guy that texted you and your fiance.....not only would he believe a guy that says nothing happened, but if he looked like Biggie Smalls, he might laugh his ass off. It turned into a question, answer session, but then it turned back into an argument, he even cried... which made me cry harder, and he was saying that since he's been with me, he's learned not to play games because I seem so real to him, and when he talks about me to his friends or co-workers he says OH! I don't have those problems with Diva, she's a good girl... and how now I've got him looking like a chump... and that even though his hours and pay were cut, he was getting me a better ring than I have now for our anniversary, but why should he work so hard at a relationship when I treat him as if we are roommates or I'm his sister. I'm like I personally think you're throwing this all out of proportion. hes not throwing it out of proportion if you look at it from his view. I'd expect any girlfriend of mine to slap the piss out of me if I ever gave my number to another woman. You know my character, you know the type of person I am, I don't cheat but your actions don't give confidence to those words. again, nobody can blame him for feeling the way he does given the circumstances. You didn't do anything, but what you did would throw up a red flag to anyone. He was just like I don't want to talk about it anymore. WE ARE JUST FRIENDS now... If you really want me to trust you... you'll be a friend and give me my space. I don't need a girlfriend... girlfriend's are sh** and you have to realize, he is saying this out of being hurt. I don't think he really means it. He is trying to get a reaction from you. He is trying to get you to bust your ass to show him that he is the only one. Only problem is, just how do you do that without proof that nothing happened in the midst of evidence that something might have happened(in his mind that is)? I mean it was like the first time he's really opened up about his past... His thing is, he said he used to do things like this when he was in relationships that he was not happy in, go out, and get some girls number, just to make himself feel better or raise his self esteem... So he sees what I did, as me not happy in my relationship and seeking solace in others. - Not true. But that's how he feels. he knows that it should have been all too easy for you to simply tell the guy, "sorry, I'd be disrespecting my FIANCE if I gave you my number...no offense" Simple as that. At this point THE DIVA turned into a duck and I started crying so hard that I threw up. everywhere! Sorry to be so graphic, but I hurled on my way to the bathroom and again once I got there, it was so bad I even peed on myself! (sorry gross gross) I think my relationship is over. So I'm listening to my IPOD all of these love songs about doing wrong and being so sorry, and I cried because it really hit home that I could be losing everything! Everything! And when I woke up this morning, I saw that he took down the note that I left above the family portrait. So I'm getting dressed, and I go to put on deodorant and I see the note is on the dresser, but written in blue marker it says: "I still love you but its going to take me some time to get over this. It's not easy for me. I'm trying my best!" - Gee And I cried all over again, I am a mess! and now maybe someone, meaning you, should see why going out clubbing when you have a s/o is not a good idea...much less giving out a number to another guy. next time you feel the need to go out with a female coworker, why don't you catch a movie instead of heading to the local meat locker? Hopefully you just give him some space and he will come around. Because its truly sad since you didn't really do anything, although you put yourself in a position you shouldn't have been as a committed, engaged woman....the attention getting from the opposite sex, giving out your number, and having breakfast with the guy after. Just not something a fiance does if she respects the man she has at home. Neither of you are really out of line, he just has no way of knowing the truth.
Author LaDiva Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 do you actually go by "Diva" in real life? - Yes, pet name that my family and friend's call me. -Go figure.... It really is hard for me to believe that someone that refers to themselves as Diva, even in internet persona, and has an avatar of a stiletto heel is going to ever want to be a homebody... - not to refute your valid points, but I love fashion, that is another thing we have in common, it doesn't HAVE to be name brand, but we both love to dress. I'm just tired of going no where, sitting in the house looking cute. to requote your post, as I re-read it: it appears that he has finally opened up enough to give you the steps toward any possible resolution...if what he feels really not true (which I am not sure I am convinced of, but you know, not I), you need to convince him in any way possible that it is in fact untrue. that means putting your "it wasn't that bad" and "I don't deserve to be punished" aside for a bit and shift the focus towards proving to him that you're happy. he probably, and understandably, feels like he is losing or has lost you. Maybe I SHOULD change my avatar too! I agree with proving to him that I am happy... he prolly doesn't feel like most men are supposed to right now, receiving a 20% pay cut, so now it seems as if he brings home a part time pay check... a friend of mine said that he probably sees this as me saying I have a back up plan incase you don't work out. I say, that's not my style, as a matter of fact, I reminded him, the circumstances under which we met! The same way... In the park, he asked me did I have a man, I said yes, and he said I was beautiful and he gave me his card. I asked him last night, did I call you at all? No. Not until after I saw you in the park AGAIN some days later and I admitted to you that I was single! Im like you should know...this is not my style.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Maybe you should suggest that him and a few buddies go to a sporting event....maybe go play craps or poker at a casino or something. He needs a night of hopefully forgetting what happened. And while he is doing all that, you know where you will be? on the couch watching a good movie!!
Author LaDiva Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 its not about you being punished for being dumb. you really have to step outside yourself and see how this looks from his angle. he doesn't know what to think. here is what he knows...you go out clubbing, stay out all night, come home after the wee hours in the morning having breakfast with some guy, and he texts you as if something happened. Granted, what he wrote in the text was inappropriate and doesn't cast a good light on what your true actions were that evening....but your fiance doesn't know that nothing happened and can't really know. All he knows is a guy texts you that YOU gave your phone # to. of course he is going to think something went on. I'd be thinking the same thing and the trust would be broken. unfortunately for you, there is NO WAY, other than a lie detector test, to prove you didn't do anything. Your friend could tell the story...but this is a friend that he probably doesn't trust and would just think that she is covering for you....especially given her character while at the clubs. So you have to see this from his point of view. He doesn't want to punish you....he thinks you cheated and the trust is gone. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, and at the same time feel bad for you. this is why clubbing without a s/o, and giving out phone numbers is a HORRIBLE idea. But you already know that. oh no you don't. YOU messed up big time. He is entitled to his attitude. You'd be thinking the same thing if a girl texted him in a sexy tone after being out all night and going to breakfast with her. you can't punch him in the face for an attitude that was brought about by YOUR actions. ok, and does he flat out accuse you of cheating? Did you tell him everything blow by blow? Maybe you should arrange a meeting between the guy that texted you and your fiance.....not only would he believe a guy that says nothing happened, but if he looked like Biggie Smalls, he might laugh his ass off. hes not throwing it out of proportion if you look at it from his view. I'd expect any girlfriend of mine to slap the piss out of me if I ever gave my number to another woman. but your actions don't give confidence to those words. again, nobody can blame him for feeling the way he does given the circumstances. You didn't do anything, but what you did would throw up a red flag to anyone. and you have to realize, he is saying this out of being hurt. I don't think he really means it. He is trying to get a reaction from you. He is trying to get you to bust your ass to show him that he is the only one. Only problem is, just how do you do that without proof that nothing happened in the midst of evidence that something might have happened(in his mind that is)? he knows that it should have been all too easy for you to simply tell the guy, "sorry, I'd be disrespecting my FIANCE if I gave you my number...no offense" Simple as that. and now maybe someone, meaning you, should see why going out clubbing when you have a s/o is not a good idea...much less giving out a number to another guy. next time you feel the need to go out with a female coworker, why don't you catch a movie instead of heading to the local meat locker? Hopefully you just give him some space and he will come around. Because its truly sad since you didn't really do anything, although you put yourself in a position you shouldn't have been as a committed, engaged woman....the attention getting from the opposite sex, giving out your number, and having breakfast with the guy after. Just not something a fiance does if she respects the man she has at home. Neither of you are really out of line, he just has no way of knowing the truth. I'm starting to feel as if I hurt him this deep then maybe I don't deserve someone who treats me like gold... Maybe I should just...
Author LaDiva Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 Maybe you should suggest that him and a few buddies go to a sporting event....maybe go play craps or poker at a casino or something. He needs a night of hopefully forgetting what happened. And while he is doing all that, you know where you will be? on the couch watching a good movie!! I told him that... and he just wants to stay in the house! Go figure.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I'm starting to feel as if I hurt him this deep then maybe I don't deserve someone who treats me like gold... Maybe I should just... question is, why do you like seeking validation and attention from other men if you have someone that treats you like gold? I guess what they say is true, its the jerks and players that get the women wrapped around their little fingers. maybe I'm looking at this all wrong and need to start being a chauvanist?
Author LaDiva Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 its not about you being punished for being dumb. you really have to step outside yourself and see how this looks from his angle. he doesn't know what to think. here is what he knows...you go out clubbing, stay out all night, come home after the wee hours in the morning having breakfast with some guy, and he texts you as if something happened. Granted, what he wrote in the text was inappropriate and doesn't cast a good light on what your true actions were that evening....but your fiance doesn't know that nothing happened and can't really know. All he knows is a guy texts you that YOU gave your phone # to. of course he is going to think something went on. I'd be thinking the same thing and the trust would be broken. unfortunately for you, there is NO WAY, other than a lie detector test, to prove you didn't do anything. Your friend could tell the story...but this is a friend that he probably doesn't trust and would just think that she is covering for you....especially given her character while at the clubs. So you have to see this from his point of view. He doesn't want to punish you....he thinks you cheated and the trust is gone. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does, and at the same time feel bad for you. this is why clubbing without a s/o, and giving out phone numbers is a HORRIBLE idea. But you already know that. oh no you don't. YOU messed up big time. He is entitled to his attitude. You'd be thinking the same thing if a girl texted him in a sexy tone after being out all night and going to breakfast with her. you can't punch him in the face for an attitude that was brought about by YOUR actions. ok, and does he flat out accuse you of cheating? Did you tell him everything blow by blow? Maybe you should arrange a meeting between the guy that texted you and your fiance.....not only would he believe a guy that says nothing happened, but if he looked like Biggie Smalls, he might laugh his ass off. hes not throwing it out of proportion if you look at it from his view. I'd expect any girlfriend of mine to slap the piss out of me if I ever gave my number to another woman. but your actions don't give confidence to those words. again, nobody can blame him for feeling the way he does given the circumstances. You didn't do anything, but what you did would throw up a red flag to anyone. and you have to realize, he is saying this out of being hurt. I don't think he really means it. He is trying to get a reaction from you. He is trying to get you to bust your ass to show him that he is the only one. Only problem is, just how do you do that without proof that nothing happened in the midst of evidence that something might have happened(in his mind that is)? he knows that it should have been all too easy for you to simply tell the guy, "sorry, I'd be disrespecting my FIANCE if I gave you my number...no offense" Simple as that. and now maybe someone, meaning you, should see why going out clubbing when you have a s/o is not a good idea...much less giving out a number to another guy. next time you feel the need to go out with a female coworker, why don't you catch a movie instead of heading to the local meat locker? Hopefully you just give him some space and he will come around. Because its truly sad since you didn't really do anything, although you put yourself in a position you shouldn't have been as a committed, engaged woman....the attention getting from the opposite sex, giving out your number, and having breakfast with the guy after. Just not something a fiance does if she respects the man she has at home. Neither of you are really out of line, he just has no way of knowing the truth. well i deleted the guy's number out of my phone, and YES he says its cheating... I said how? and he said I don't know. That whole puerto rican machisimo thing really has got to go
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 well i deleted the guy's number out of my phone, and YES he says its cheating... I said how? and he said I don't know. because you just DO NOT give your phone number out to a guy, FOR ANY DUMB REASON, if you are committed....let alone engaged. That whole puerto rican machisimo thing really has got to go no, what has to go is clubbing, seeking attention from other men, and giving up your digits. And no, it isn't hard at all to tell someone that you don't give your phone number out when one is already spoken for.
alexxx Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Contrary to your belief alexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx: I don't need validation from anyone. I'm smart, sexy, successful and savvy, and I got there on my own accord. LaDiva, you don't have to take it to a personal level, since I honestly believe that you are a good person who is approaching everybody (including ppl on this board) with an open heart. In fact (contrary to what you believe) I like your attitude on this board. HOWEVER... our conversation has nothing to do with whether you are a good or a bad person. Most of us are similar in this regard. We all find other people attractive all the time, we are often(!) tempted, fantasize, ... This is PERFECTLY OK!!! What is NOT OK is to act on those fantasies WHILE IN THE RELATIONSHIP! Having a relationship with somebody is not only about love, kissing, cuddling. Having a commited, exclusive relationship is a CONTRACT! That contract reads: "Don't do anything you wouldn't do in front of your bf"! You definitely violated that contract (otherwise you wouldn't come to us crying). Now back to our dissagreement of whether you needed VALIDATION. Look, instead of us arguing about whether you needed validation or not, let me make it very easy for you. Just ask yourself" What you were looking for from that "BIG BENZ" guy that night! Would you go out with an ugly, fat, old man to a dinner (even if your friend came along)? Ask yourself the above question. But later, not now, not even in a few months, because you are in a specific state of mind at the moment and you can't think clearly. Once you figure it out (and I know the answer), you wont need this board anymore.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Contrary to your belief alexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx: I don't need validation from anyone. I'm smart, sexy, successful and savvy, and I got there on my own accord. well maybe this is part of your problem. I smell a hint of conceit in the air. maybe you think TOO highly of yourself and like to share your "aura" with other men. You even said yourself you like the attention. So whether you seek "validation" or not, you like the attention. Otherwise, why go to a club? Ya, I know...blah blah....to dance:rolleyes:. You think guys would go to a club if there were no women? Maybe if they were gay. People get into relationships for all different sorts of reasons, but I get into a relationship based on whether or not this person and I can relate to each other, as well as, how we compliment each other. then why did you get with a homebody if you like to go out and party? I don't see how you compliment each other at all. If I needed 'validation' from others, I probably would have cheated when he did so he cheated on you? if so, why are we just now finding out about this? something isn't right about everything you are telling us. case in point, you said you tried to ignore this guy at the club, but then come back later to say you "feigned interest" to get him to buy you breakfast.....which is it? I don't think you are being honest here. I was in your corner, but now, I think your fiance has more than a legitimate reason to doubt you. and I'm not just talking about this one incident. or when he lied about spending certain money that we saved or when I lost the baby... everyone tells little white lies here and there to save themselves some form of ridicule. Its the big lies that count. You telling me you have been honest with him on EVERYTHING? and how did he lie about you losing a baby? so is this what the clubbing and "feigning interest" in a guy is all about? getting even perhaps? And if he cheated on you, which I don't know to believe since this is the first time you have mentioned it as if it might help your responses here, then why the hell are you still with him? When I go to my home town I could see my exes and he wouldn't know about it. something tells me you DO see your X's. So your theory about what I need is bull. then it should be all to easy for you to never go clubbing again, cuz it aint a real bright idea when you are in a committed relationships. Whether people want to admit it or not, there is a reason people go to clubs, and dancing is a secondary reason to go. The main reason? To mingle with the opposite sex. Because its unfounded on whatever you think of me, and I need my guy. then you should have found your way home that night, and not the next morning after going to breakfast with a guy and giving him your #.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, here is what you said: "- I liked the attention, but hell, there were tons of other guys that were good looking that tried to get with me that night. From the bouncers, to a lot of guys on the dance floor. I politely declined MOST advances You liked the attention and there were tons of guys that tried to get with you that night. Couldn't be because you were possibly giving off signals was it? Oh no, we know, you are just too hot for your own good. You didn't do anything to flirt with any guy that night right? And this wouldn't be a main reason people go clubbing is it? In hopes they get hit on? And you declined "MOST" advances? Uh, you have a fiance, how about declining ALL advances. So by your own words, obviously you accepted some of the men's advances. I now change my stance towards your thread. Your fiance has a legit reason to not trust you. I think you 2 should go your separate ways. he needs someone that isn't going to go out, seek attention and be disrespected by you enjoying the company of other men and all that entails.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, here is what you said: You liked the attention and there were tons of guys that tried to get with you that night. Couldn't be because you were possibly giving off signals was it? Oh no, we know, you are just too hot for your own good. You didn't do anything to flirt with any guy that night right? And this wouldn't be a main reason people go clubbing is it? In hopes they get hit on? And you declined "MOST" advances? Uh, you have a fiance, how about declining ALL advances. So by your own words, obviously you accepted some of the men's advances. I now change my stance towards your thread. Your fiance has a legit reason to not trust you. I think you 2 should go your separate ways. he needs someone that isn't going to go out, seek attention and be disrespected by you enjoying the company of other men and all that entails. I agree to an extent, Dexter. If a person wouldn't want to do something in front of their partner, they shouldn't be doing it. But then, seen as nothing physically happened, life is as it is, and you should be able to work past it. I'm the first to admit I've made terrible choices, ones that I wouldn't repeat in a million years, or advise anyone to do, but I accept I made the choice to talk to the guy, accept the attention etc. As did you. Is it for attention as it was for me? Me and my bf were going through a stale patch, we were fighting, and I was at a loss. But it doesn't justify, excuse and it isn't a reason. I did it for me, because I was ultimately thinking of me, and me alone. Crazy and selfish, I know. The road to a relationship surviving indiscretions is honesty with your partner, and yourself. If you can't admit or try to understand why you gave out your number, you can't fix the underlying issue, or try to get him to understand a little. Sometimes we need to dig deep to understand our own actions. Be it now, or ten years down the line if you aren't honest with yourself, you'll find yourself in hotter water. I did. My problem? I drink to the point where I lose the will stop myself, I'm sorting that one out by not drinking anywhere near as much. I also have certain issues, or confusions within my R, which are leading me to either a break up or serious comprimises. However, you need to both be honest, upfront about what you want and need, and go from there. You're only 25, and this is patronising, I'm 22, get it all the time, but it is true. Do you want to be with a self-confessed homebody? You may love him, but sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes you need to be compatible, and want the same things too. Take me and my bf for example, he wants children in the next couple of years, he's 24 soon, I don't want children full stop. I'm on the brink of a break up because we want entirely different things. So is a social life or lack of, a deal breaker for you? Think on it, but I do hope you manage to work through it. But some things only serve to highlight our wants, our issues more.
loveslife Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, You may not believe it, but I think there are people here who are trying to help you. But I don't think anyone believes you're being victimized for "just one text message." After reading this entire thread, I suspect you wanted to get even with your fiance. For never wanting to go out and for all the emotions, hurt and longings you've been revealing through the thread. I think you wanted to hurt him, but had no idea you would get hurt. It's a lesson to learn about being honest with others but especially with yourself. The lies we tell ourselves are the worst lies. You said all your relationships up until now have been abusive. Well, people in abusive relationships lose their sense of self. And they dont know how to exist in a healthy relationship. Take some time to be on your own and figure out who you are and what you want. Take a long, hard, honest look at yourself. It's possible to have the love you want but not the way you are at this moment. Please do this because it will only get worse if you don't.
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 well maybe this is part of your problem. I smell a hint of conceit in the air. maybe you think TOO highly of yourself and like to share your "aura" with other men. - Now I'm aggravated, and it isn't even because you're not in my corner anymore Dex. I don't understand why I can't say those things and be confident. I personally don't think I'm the BEST looking girl in the world... I'm certainly not a model status, (MAYBE I SHOULD PUT MY PICTURE UP????) I just know what I know... if anything, I am the person people come to for advice, don't want to be judged whatever. HI! You even said yourself you like the attention. So whether you seek "validation" or not, you like the attention. Otherwise, why go to a club? Ya, I know...blah blah....to dance:rolleyes:. You think guys would go to a club if there were no women? Maybe if they were gay. then why did you get with a homebody if you like to go out and party? I don't see how you compliment each other at all. - He wasn't like that when I first met him, and I've said that... it seems he metamorphosed (sp?) over night one day... and just decided that he was done romancing me? I've said in previous posts that we used to go to the gym, walk around in the park, go out of state, etc... then he just stopped. It makes me think that... well I don't really want to get into all that. so he cheated on you? if so, why are we just now finding out about this? - Listen, if you would read the posts in order... I have said that he has told random girls on myspace, that friend requested him/or he friend requested them, to CALL HIM at home, or at work... while I was in Boston. Taking care of my health related issues. U know... having CAT scans done. hi. I'm going by YOU GUY's definition of cheating. I've said it before when posters asked me to put myself in his shoes I said in a post that He has done things like this before and I didn't get AS upset as he is. ALSO in response to why I hadn't said anything up until now, I did say that in the Original Post that there is a lot of stuff, but this isn't about him, its about my actions. Thank you. I can't control what someone else does, and that's why I decided not to put in the OP what he had been caught doing. If I forgave him, I forgave him. This is not about a tit for tat. something isn't right about everything you are telling us. -sorry to burst your bubble, but this is the right story. case in point, you said you tried to ignore this guy at the club, but then come back later to say you "feigned interest" to get him to buy you breakfast.....which is it? - please tell me where I said that... I said that Benz guy said to me, you were throwing mad "shade" to all those other guys so I was afraid to approach you. Don't be confusao, Dex.. I don't think you are being honest here. I was in your corner, but now, I think your fiance has more than a legitimate reason to doubt you. and I'm not just talking about this one incident. - Are you serious? Oh God! I think my acid reflux is acting up again. Listen... I'm being about as honest as honest gets. If it weren't for the fact that I'm trying to make this sh** better, I wouldn't even be up on here, because I would've lied about the whole thing, I would've said the text was from this girl I met, and she was soooooo coool, babe, yada yada yada. And my relationship wouldn't be on the brink of being over, I wouldn't have "hurt" the person I love etc. But omgoodness, I've decided to tell the truth about this whole matter, and now I'm getting it from you guys! everyone tells little white lies here and there to save themselves some form of ridicule. Its the big lies that count. You telling me you have been honest with him on EVERYTHING? - I'm not really feeling your white lie thing... Unless you're talking about.. oh babe you made dinner already? and I say yes, when I really hadn't. If I have to start ducking and dodging questions in a relationship or sneaking around... first of all, we don't need to be together, and second of all... I'd be a completely different person. I said for the most part I'm an honest person. and how did he lie about you losing a baby? - Maybe I wrote it wrong, or maybe you read it wrong, but in response to the poster who claimed I needed to find validation in other men, my point was that if that was the case, I would have done it when I miscarried. Or When I found out he was talking to other girls online while out was out of town. so is this what the clubbing and "feigning interest" in a guy is all about? getting even perhaps? - I've gone out three times in one year. If I wanted to get even, he wouldn't even see me. That would have been the best revenge. And if he cheated on you, which I don't know to believe since this is the first time you have mentioned it as if it might help your responses here, then why the hell are you still with him? - Like I said above... while I don't believe he CHEATED on me by giving a girl his HOME number (that we both share) for her to call him, SOME Posters think that what I did was cheating... So if you want to call an apple an orange... I will just say that equivocally that's what he did. LMAO! That's why I said it wasn't cheating. And that's why I said, I have put myself in his shoes. I've seen the messages! I confronted him about it, he said it was nothing... its just the INTERNET. But I felt that those are REAL LIVE girls that he's giving his number too. But did I spasz out for more than 1 day? no. I got over it, because I feel that what is done in the darkness (if he was lying) will come to light (the truth would eventually come out). Your sudden theory about whether this is revenge? Okay so I waited 7 months to get back at him? Come on Dex. something tells me you DO see your X's. - Negative. Also, this was misconstrued... I wrote that being sarcastic to the person who said that I needed validation. I have no reason to see my Ex's. I'm in love remember? then it should be all to easy for you to never go clubbing again, cuz it aint a real bright idea when you are in a committed relationships. Whether people want to admit it or not, there is a reason people go to clubs, and dancing is a secondary reason to go. The main reason? To mingle with the opposite sex. - Omgoodness! I said I wouldn't go clubbing again... then someone said I would be resenting him for it forever... you guys need to make up your minds. then you should have found your way home that night, and not the next morning after going to breakfast with a guy and giving him your #. I'm really sorry Dex. I don't know what I did to you?
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, here is what you said: You liked the attention and there were tons of guys that tried to get with you that night. Couldn't be because you were possibly giving off signals was it? Oh no, we know, you are just too hot for your own good. You didn't do anything to flirt with any guy that night right? And this wouldn't be a main reason people go clubbing is it? In hopes they get hit on? - hi. Of course I liked the attention. it lets me know I still have "it" going on albeit I've gained weight. Was I giving off signals? No. LOL... I highly believe its because we accidentally went to a club that was hosting an all "white" party... you know... you have to dress in white? And my friend and I were not dressed in white. I don't go clubbing on a regular basis and neither does she, we just went! She had on a pink shirt, jeans and heels, and I had on a yellow shirt, black leggings and boots! U know what dex? I'm putting up my photo... like I said... I'm starting to think that you guys think that I THINK... I'm too good or something or are judging me by my screen name. I'm a DIVA because of the manner in which I carry myself, I've gone through so much crap in my life and I persevered through it all, when I had naysayers, no real parents to speak of... etc and because of all of the qualities that I listed that I actually possess, you say that makes me conceited ?!?! - right. However... I'm just a REGULAR down to earth girl... If I was as conceited as you say... Would my SO (the "self proclaimed homebody") be with someone who was over the top? And would I share with you guys that I peed my pants? I'm sharing with you a whole bunch of major downfalls... and you put me down. Not cool. And you declined "MOST" advances? Uh, you have a fiance, how about declining ALL advances. So by your own words, obviously you accepted some of the men's advances. - Advances to DANCE buster. I now change my stance towards your thread. Your fiance has a legit reason to not trust you. I think you 2 should go your separate ways. he needs someone that isn't going to go out, seek attention and be disrespected by you enjoying the company of other men and all that entails. -_____- like I'm said... I dunno what I did to you... but thank you for your advice, flip flopped as it may be.
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, You may not believe it, but I think there are people here who are trying to help you. But I don't think anyone believes you're being victimized for "just one text message." - I talked to my aunt (she's been married for 16 years) about this yesterday. I agreed with the MAJORITY of everything she said. I told her that quote "I can't believe this is over one text message, when he's done the same thing." And before you guys get rowdy... I know... I know... I shouldn't have given out my number. I now, understand thanks to Dexter, that he has no way of knowing what really happened. I just wish that he would understand what's in my head. That I really don't know why I did it. Or maybe I do... but I took it too far. I'm wrong... but I don't think that I honestly deserve the WAY I'm being treated. Anyways, my aunt input is that this isn't even about the text message so much as it is about other outside factors - I told you guys this was long, and that I didn't want to get into other stuff that didn't seem relevant... but she said that Gee isn't really feeling like a man at this point in life. Like I already told you... he's taking a pay cut of 20%... He's bring about $200 less than what he used to on a weekly basis. I have to take up the slack when it comes to food, laundry, bills, etc. She said that men have this thing where they need to be the providers and that his self esteem is obviously suffering from not being able to do these things... After he pays his own personal bills, and maybe one of ours... I'm lucky if he gives me $50 bucks towards everything else that I have to pay. PLUS his issues with his past about not being happy in relationships, looking for others to help him escape the relationship. etc. So on top of that, here comes me, and the proof is (REGARDLESS OF HOW IT HAPPENED) that I gave a guy my number and here's a text message that says he enjoyed my company. She told me that was dumb in so many ways, because now he probably feels that I am looking for an out, or for a man who can take care of me, which either is not the case, because I can take care of myself. I have for a long time. She went on to say that more than ever now, if I want him to stay, I have to prove to him, that I'm not going anywhere. That means coming home when I'm supposed to or calling to check in, even if I have to volunteer to do it, and he says its not necessary. She told me that he knows he has a good woman and that I should just give him time. She also said that now I should realize that I have a good man, and making decisions without thinking will always lead to disasters such as this. I'm starting to think that I should've checked with family members and not posted on LS, because I'm getting a lot of finger pointing this way that isn't warranted. After reading this entire thread, I suspect you wanted to get even with your fiance. For never wanting to go out and for all the emotions, hurt and longings you've been revealing through the thread. - I disagree, please put your suspicions to rest. I'm 25 (Like everyone keeps telling me). If I wanted to get even, I would have left already. I think you wanted to hurt him, but had no idea you would get hurt. - I would never want to do that. Gosh you guys are on a roll today! IF THAT WAS THE CASE, that I wanted to get back at him, or HURT him, don't you think that I would have said... well... i only did it to get back at him because he's done it to me? It seems as honesty doesn't mean sh** to anybody anymore. Whatever happened to be honest with your partner? I've been honest with all parties involved, MY SO, my friend, the Benz guy and you here at LS... but yet, I'm being told that something doesn't add up or that I did it maliciously. It's like I can't win for losing! Someone said don't take it personal... but what am I supposed to take it as? I mean yeah, you guys aren't my friends but isn't there supposed to be some sort of camaraderie between posters? It's a lesson to learn about being honest with others but especially with yourself. The lies we tell ourselves are the worst lies. You said all your relationships up until now have been abusive. Well, people in abusive relationships lose their sense of self. And they dont know how to exist in a healthy relationship. - So, i will break up with people who have challenges from now on. Because my sense of self has been lost somewhere in my past. You're right. It makes no sense to have taken 18 months off from being in a relationship TO find myself, move to another city to start fresh and not surround myself with people who I let bring me down on a continual basis. My lost sense of self, said that the major I was taken wasn't for me, it was what other people wanted. So my lost sense of self, decided to start fresh with a new major in something so completely foreign to me. I gotta remind myself, that if I ever find that lost sense of self... to thank her. My lost sense of self has allowed me to stop dating men who aren't about anything and love to be out in the streets sleeping with Mary, Donna and Sue. My lost sense of self says that when the going gets tough, that you stay around to figure it out. You don't run from a problem. I guess I better go find that durn sense of self! Take some time to be on your own and figure out who you are and what you want. Take a long, hard, honest look at yourself. It's possible to have the love you want but not the way you are at this moment. Please do this because it will only get worse if you don't. How did it get from "I appreciate your openness and honest on this board" to your line when you say "It's a lesson to learn about being honest with others but especially with yourself." I think I've just about exhausted myself with honesty... I'm not even at work today. I hate to say it, but for all of this... If i was going to be put through the ringer by SO, you guys, and whomever else... I should've friggen slept with somebody then. Then all the backlash I'm receiving... would be warranted and welcome. AND. I'm not upset, because I posted on an open forum and got all different responses...some bad, some great... I'm getting upset, because I JUST BARED all... and I'm being told that "something's not right", I'm being vindictive or hurtful on purpose... I mean come on.
AlektraClementine Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, being honest doesn't grant you a free pass. And honestly, if you take the heat for this "little thing", it will most likely keep you from ever doing anything really hurtful to your fiance. Posters like Dexter offer invaluable perspective where it counts. Chances are, your fiance has similar feelings to that of Dexter's on the subject. You'd do well to heed his advice. Think of it as getting your fiance's perspective during a time when your fiance is refusing to communicate with you. Anyone who tells you that what you did was okay isn't going to be helpful to you right now. Simply because we all know that your fiance does NOT feel that way.
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Post #32 - We have been through a similar situation before when we first started dating with his Myspace activity and him leaving those "models" his number for them to 'call him at home' - while I was out of town. I treated it as a joke. I addressed him, and I got over it in two days. I know he is not the type to cheat. I do not cheat, That's what I don't understand... why he can't show me the same courtesy and is being very dramatic about it. Post #38 fact that made him so mad, was that because of his own insecurities with stuff he's been found guilty of, he went through my phone and found the proof in the pudding so to speak. If he hadn't went through my cell looking for the messages, we'd both be laughing about this stupidness. Post #40 I just won't go out. I've said it before, I know how to sacrifice. This "young hot and horny woman" knows how to keep it at home, because that's how he likes it. But when he turns 45, he better not start talking about he's bored , midlife crisis, and wants to see other people, because we don't go out enough or we NEVER DO ANYTHING. I can see it now. Post #56 I won't go clubbing anymore! Contrary what to what SOME posters may believe... I am not a bimbo! I'm not posting on a forum to get a pat on the back, and a "there there", I'm posting because I do want to save my relationship. If it means, I gotta grow up, then shoot. I gotta grow up. There are deep rooted issues with me, read my previous posts. People always leave me! Cheat on me! I would never have done this on purpose. I'm ready to be with him, THREE DAYS of him not talking to me makes me ache inside! I just want to snatch him up and throw him on the bed with me just to HUG him, I wish he could open my heart and see, that its him I want to be with and no one else. Geez. This is hard as **** Post #72 He has done, this , that, and a little of something else. But this post isn't about that. why? because I don't see it as him cheating, just having been in a moment of stupidity as well. This is not something I take lightly, nor would I take it lightly from him. I've said that I would be upset. But to go three days leaving the house without even saying good bye? That is dumb as horse-sh. and everyone knows it. I don't care how angry i was that he was sending girls on myspace private messages to call him at MY HOUSE nevertheless while I was in Boston for a weekend, I didnt act as childish as he is acting now. So please DExter... This is all from page three, four and five of this thread. So you can't say... i didn't make mention of this early... Some of these are actually in response to your posts.
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Post #32 Post #38 Post #40 Post #56 Post #72 DExter... This is all from page three, four and five of this thread. So you can't say... i didn't make mention of this early... Some of these are actually in response to your posts. AND... I don't know if those girls called him, I don't know if he called them. I just had to TRUST, that was all that happened was the message. The two girls could have called him and had phone sex, or made plans to meet, anything? I would have no way of knowing. I just had to trust him when he said it was nothing. Deep inside I knew it was nothing... so why treat him like he's in the dog house for days. That's all I am asking from him. Today, is our year anniversary. I had put a watch on a payment plan at a jewelry store around father's day. (the incident with the myspace girls happened in march or april)... if I wanted to get revenge on my love, would i be purchasing things? I am also the one who purchased the trip to PR as a surprise, because he's never been and that is his native country. I've been to PR. I did it because I love him. I honestly forgave him. The only reason I brought up HIS INDISCRETIONS, is because I wanted to showcase how I reacted... not to say... boo hoo... he did it to me too. Anyways, I put the gift bag on the sink in the bathroom at 4 something this morning, because he smokes in the bathroom when he's on the toilet. -I hate that habit... clean up the ashes please! I wrote on the little card: "Hi. (insert a smiley heart face) Just a gift... or maybe Feliz Aniversario? I honestly don't know. - D." I fell back asleep... He turns on all the lights and TVs that's his way of making sure I wake up in time for work, instead of his usual cup of coffee, hug and kiss in the morning. I get up to turn it all off because I took the day off, and I use the bathroom, it looks like he did open the bag, because the wrapping looks rumpled. But he left me a NOTE! Some part of me says I should be happy, that he is communicating with me... and I started the note business anyway... but I just wish that he would look at me... and SPEAK. The note said "Happy Anniversary D. Thank you for the gift, it was nice... You didn't have to. I will always love you from the bottom of my heart." More time huh?
Author LaDiva Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 LaDiva, being honest doesn't grant you a free pass. - Humble pie. I understand. And honestly, if you take the heat for this "little thing", it will most likely keep you from ever doing anything really hurtful to your fiance. - I get that too... I guess I just wish it wasn't so hot. Posters like Dexter offer invaluable perspective where it counts. Chances are, your fiance has similar feelings to that of Dexter's on the subject. You'd do well to heed his advice. Think of it as getting your fiance's perspective during a time when your fiance is refusing to communicate with you. - I'm not mad at Dex, he's been with me since the beginning of the post! I appreciate it a lot. If I wasn't so scared that my own brother's would disown me for telling SO the truth about the text [They are major players], then I take Dexter any day. I guess I just feel like I'm replaying Wednesday's fight with Dex, instead of my SO. Like on one hand, wanting to believe me, and on the other hand trying to poke holes in my story. There are no holes. Come on, If i was going to lie to you guys or my SO... I would've said something like "My SO is upset because I received a text from some guy at the club." I didn't have to tell SO or you guys that I saw his car, know that he lives in Jersey, went to breakfast... but I wanted to put it all out there. Anyone who tells you that what you did was okay isn't going to be helpful to you right now. Simply because we all know that your fiance does NOT feel that way. Thanks Alektra!
Dexter Morgan Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Originally Posted by LaDiva - Now I'm aggravated, and it isn't even because you're not in my corner anymore Dex. I don't understand why I can't say those things and be confident. I personally don't think I'm the BEST looking girl in the world... I'm certainly not a model status, (MAYBE I SHOULD PUT MY PICTURE UP????) I just know what I know... if anything, I am the person people come to for advice, don't want to be judged whatever. HI! You can say those things and be confident, but when they are accompanied by your actions, it becomes quite a different story. - He wasn't like that when I first met him, and I've said that... it seems he metamorphosed (sp?) over night one day... and just decided that he was done romancing me? I've said in previous posts that we used to go to the gym, walk around in the park, go out of state, etc... then he just stopped. It makes me think that... well I don't really want to get into all that. ah, so now we are getting somewhere....seems like this is your way of getting back at him for getting too comfortable in this relationship. maybe its time to spare him and move on? - Listen, if you would read the posts in order... I have said that he has told random girls on myspace, that friend requested him/or he friend requested them, to CALL HIM at home, or at work... while I was in Boston. Taking care of my health related issues. U know... having CAT scans done. hi. Then maybe its time to end this relationship and move on. Seems that neither of you know what real committment and respect are. - Like I said above... while I don't believe he CHEATED on me by giving a girl his HOME number (that we both share) for her to call him, SOME Posters think that what I did was cheating... So if you want to call an apple an orange... I will just say that equivocally that's what he did. LMAO! That's why I said it wasn't cheating. And that's why I said, I have put myself in his shoes. I've seen the messages! I confronted him about it, he said it was nothing... its just the INTERNET. But I felt that those are REAL LIVE girls that he's giving his number too. But did I spasz out for more than 1 day? no. I got over it, because I feel that what is done in the darkness (if he was lying) will come to light (the truth would eventually come out). Your sudden theory about whether this is revenge? Okay so I waited 7 months to get back at him? Come on Dex. *sigh*, this is one reason why I won't date anyone that likes to go clubbing or has a stupid myspace account. - Omgoodness! I said I wouldn't go clubbing again... then someone said I would be resenting him for it forever... you guys need to make up your minds. not me, my mind is made up. I missed that you said you wouldn't go clubbing again. Thats a good thing:) then you should have found your way home that night, and not the next morning after going to breakfast with a guy and giving him your #. I'm really sorry Dex. I don't know what I did to you? You said that you "need your guy", and I say, "then you should have found your way home that night....etc." And that is your answer to that very simple idea that was put forth? uh......ok:confused:
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