Fiancee Read 1 Text Message After Night Out

[harmfulsweetz]

flirting doesn't have to be sexual to show an attraction or interest in someone.

 

 

 

 

then don't flirt...because thats what flirting does...sends off signals.

 

Otherwise it isn't flirting. its just merely talking to someone.

 

 

 

 

simply enjoying someone elses company isn't flirting....unless you are batting your eyes at them and touching them when there is no need to touch. and even then you don't have to touch to be considered flirting.

 

But just enjoying one's company in general isn't flirting.

 

 

 

 

thats not flirting.

 

 

 

 

again, poking fun at someone or enjoying a conversation isn't flirting.

But then again, it depends on the definition doesn't it? Many on here would say it was. I hug my male friends loads, is that flirting? I would say putting your hand on someone's knee say as maybe excessive flirting or really indicating a definite interest, but many would say poking fun, playfighting or sharing jokes flirting. My bf accused me of doing those things with his friend. Although I don't view flirting as a general rule bad, because I don't equate it with sexual attraction.

[Dexter Morgan]

No it's not. Interest doesn't always indicate attraction. And also, to actually put it into words, is attraction a bad thing? Is it wrong that I may find my Law lecturer attractive, but not actually fancy him? Just because you find someone attractive, doesn't mean you fancy them, it could mean you can see why someone would, and they interest you on certain levels, but not the right levels. People often flirt without realising it.

 

like I said, what you are referring to and in describing your interactions with someone whose company you simply enjoy is not flirting.

[harmfulsweetz]

Dex, if someone says you're superficial what does that mean? To me it means fake...

 

I feigned an interest in enjoying this person's qualities so he could buy me breakfast.

Hehe, that's the way. I've conned drinks out of blokes doing that, excellent trick.

[Dexter Morgan]

But then again, it depends on the definition doesn't it? Many on here would say it was. I hug my male friends loads, is that flirting?

 

I don't think so. Unless you do it superflously, cuz I'm sorry, nobody needs to have to hug someone 50 times in one night.

 

Now if you had a bf and you hugged another guy, say, 10 times in a night...whats the purpose? Hi and bye hug is one thing.

 

I couldn't see myself hugging a female friend for anything than "hey, nice to see you again" or at the beginning or end of an evening. but if I'm doing it all throught the night, whats the point?

[harmfulsweetz]

I see that. i would only do it when I say goodbye, or hello if I haven't seen them in a while. My point is, many people define having a good time with someone as flirting, enjoying good conversation, jokes etc. But is flirting so bad? If it's made clear, it's not going to lead anywhere, and if it's only friendly?

[alexxx]

LaDiva, you are making a fundamental mistake of only listening to those people who are telling you what you want to hear. But that's not in your best interest, you need to be told the truth.

 

Let's get to the bottom of this. Did you cheat? According to the only definition of cheating I know:

 

"Cheating is anything you do that you do not feel comfortable discussing with your partner".

 

So you cheated, because neither you nor your partner would feel comfortable discussing your meeting/dinner/date with the other guy.

 

Now let's talk about the consequences (I have a feeling this is something you are more interested in than the question of whether you cheated or not).

 

Depending on how much your relationship means to your partner, he may decide to either:

 

1. forgive you if he doesn't care much about your relationship or

2. not forgive you, if he loves you/cares about you, but you hurt him so much.

 

I am sure you don't like either outcome. This is why some people here are advising you to leave your current relationship.

[silverfish]

''Depending on how much your relationship means to your partner, he may decide to either:

 

1. forgive you if he doesn't care much about your relationship or

2. not forgive you, if he loves you/cares about you, but you hurt him so much.

 

I am sure you don't like either outcome. This is why some people here are advising you to leave your current relationship. ''

 

I agreed with this post up to this point. I don't agree that forgiving would mean that he doesn't care about your relationship at all.

 

Why don't you suggest going to a relationship counsellor as soon as possible. You have 2 clear issues with eachother.

 

The root of the problem seems to be your discontent at your lack of social life. It IS something that can be worked through, but he needs to put the effort in as well. You were wrong to behave the way you did, but you can't put it right all by yourself

[Jilly Bean]

The root of the problem seems to be your discontent at your lack of social life.

 

Disagree.

 

Clearly her issue is that she's not ready to commit to a marriage, and still needs male validation from others.

 

When I was 23, I was living with a guy, and he wasn't as much of a clubber as I was. I still went out with my gf's dancing and what not, while he studied, or went to a ball game with his buddies. Never ONCE did I give out my number, nor flirt with another guy. Why? Didn't need to. I was out to have fun with my friends, enjoy the music, dance, have some drinks, but didn't need to entertain other guy's advances to complete my evening.

 

I still contend she's not ready to be married...

[GorillaTheater]

I still contend she's not ready to be married...

 

Yeah, that's my take as well. Cheating? Maybe not. But clearly some reasonable lines were crossed.

 

Besides, this guy doesn't come across as a terrific catch either. I'm old, like nearly crypt-keeper old, and I still like to go out now and then to have a good time.

[girl68]

so you don't think flirting isn't normal??

 

Depends. In the case that you described... no. Especially not since he's a random... you drove off with him, gave him your number etc. In this instance- yes I do believe you crossed the line.

[Jilly Bean]

Yeah, that's my take as well. Cheating? Maybe not. But clearly some reasonable lines were crossed.

 

Besides, this guy doesn't come across as a terrific catch either. I'm old, like nearly crypt-keeper old, and I still like to go out now and then to have a good time.

 

Exactly. If you are getting your needs met or home, or are with the right person, then you aren't out looking for action from others. You just don't.

 

And I wouldn't say he's not a good catch because he's a homebody. It just more illustrates their social incompatibility. Happens with a big age difference.

[alexxx]

Silverfish, you made some good points, but I do not agree completely.

 

 

Why don't you suggest going to a relationship counsellor as soon as possible. You have 2 clear issues with eachother.

 

Below you say that the root of the problem is likely the lack of social life. How can a counselor help with that?

 

 

 

The root of the problem seems to be your discontent at your lack of social life. It IS something that can be worked through, but he needs to put the effort in as well. You were wrong to behave the way you did, but you can't put it right all by yourself

 

Silverfish, I would leave the poor guy alone. He was cheated on, yet you suggest he needs to PUT THE EFFORT IN. It is not his fault. Besides, he is a "homeboy" by nature, he shouldn't be putting any effort into changing himself.

 

I still believe that separation is the best (for LaDiva as well). They are different. Unlike him, LaDiva needs validation. That's why she went out with the other guy. She craves attention, but only until she gets caught, then sudenly she doesn't want any attention whatsoever, she wants to be a "homegirl" (making lasagna and giving stepchildren bath). Nobody deserves to be treated that way. This is why i said (in my previous post), I would never give her a second chance.

[harmfulsweetz]

Silverfish, you made some good points, but I do not agree completely.

 

 

 

Below you say that the root of the problem is likely the lack of social life. How can a counselor help with that?

 

 

 

 

 

Silverfish, I would leave the poor guy alone. He was cheated on, yet you suggest he needs to PUT THE EFFORT IN. It is not his fault. Besides, he is a "homeboy" by nature, he shouldn't be putting any effort into changing himself.

 

I still believe that separation is the best (for LaDiva as well). They are different. Unlike him, LaDiva needs validation. That's why she went out with the other guy. She craves attention, but only until she gets caught, then sudenly she doesn't want any attention whatsoever, she wants to be a "homegirl" (making lasagna and giving stepchildren bath). Nobody deserves to be treated that way. This is why i said (in my previous post), I would never give her a second chance.

Who says he has to change himself though? Going out once in a while shouldn't be an effort. It should be something that is done to please both parties, so that both get a good time. There's no harm in him going out once a month, with his lady, enjoying themselves, coming back, next weekend they can have a lovely night in. It's called comprimise.

If anyone actually read what OP said, she said she had breakfast with him, and her friend and the guy her friend liked. It's not unusual for a friend to 'tag along'. Treated what way? Asking for an actual life outside of an apartment? It seems like she has been very accomodating of his needs, his children's needs and it's a rare find to get that. Maybe she does need validation, but we all do once in a while. But she didn't cheat, no matter what you want to call it. Maybe she shouldn't have given him her number, but that's over with now. She did, let's move past that into how she goes about sorting this mess out.

First up, you both need to thrash it out between you. Get it all out. He loved you before all of this, it's not a tap so he still does now. There's clearly trust issues, if he trusted you, he would believe nothing happened. Has there been signs of mistrust before now?

Counselling may help with trust issues. You can fix this, with work and time, but it will take that. You also need to remember that you can't beat yourself up over a silly thing, nor can you allow him to punish you forever for it.

Be frank-if he believes you can both get past this, say it now and try and sort it out. If not, he needs to be upfront. What you and he have should be more than this, and it should be able to get past it. If you can work through it, you need to come to an agreement about your social life, surely he can meet you in the middle?

[silverfish]

I wouldn't agree with the 'cheating' label. I've been cheated on and it was nothing like this story.

 

There are children involved, it's a commited relationship. Of course he should put the effort in, because relationships take work!

 

Cheating is the symptom of problems in a relationship, most people realise this if it's ever happened to them. I had to face up to why it happened as well as my ex (yes counselling works both ways!), and now know not to make the same mistakes again.

 

Adult time together is very important, and the 'poor guy' probably dated and went out with his ex before they had kids together, so why should he expect his new partner to put up with second best?

 

I agree that she should eat humble pie for a long long time though. She was in the wrong, no arguments there!

[LaDiva]

He should definitely have the decency to do it properly. And it's pretty damn childish too. You didn't do much wrong, granted there was a lapse in judgement, but nothing happened. If he trusted you, he would believe that. Could this be an excuse of some sort? Seriously, sit him down, and say that you want it resolved, admit wrong, but you can't continue this way, being punished for next to nothing.

 

 

Ok... so I made chicken parmigiana with linguine ... peace offering number two. I've never cooked so well in my life.

 

We're passing each other in the house and instead of groping each other, we're awkwardly saying excuse me...

 

But hey. You guys told me to be objective. So he gets a phone call from his kid's mother - they don't usually talk because of all they went through- but he took the opportunity to have a 13 minute conversation with her about her seeing him and whatever... I bring that up to say... he tells her... i don't worry about the small things in life... I'm going through a situation right now...

 

which...okay I know you guys said, i have to let him come out with his feelings on his own accord... but we are not going to have a pow wow with the ex WHO IS THE REASON for the way you are why you are NOW... about how you're current relationship has encountered a situation.

 

So i find my self, starting to cry and then I stop myself, because dammit, I'm still straddling the fence about whether or not, I should be punished for being dumb.

 

So i say can I talk to you? He says for what? WHAT ATTITUDE... just want to punch him in the face. ugh. I said when do you think you're going to sleep in the room again?

 

He says I'm good. Make a long story short, we end up arguing for two hours about what happened.

 

It turned into a question, answer session, but then it turned back into an argument, he even cried... which made me cry harder, and he was saying that since he's been with me, he's learned not to play games because I seem so real to him, and when he talks about me to his friends or co-workers he says OH! I don't have those problems with Diva, she's a good girl... and how now I've got him looking like a chump... and that even though his hours and pay were cut, he was getting me a better ring than I have now for our anniversary, but why should he work so hard at a relationship when I treat him as if we are roommates or I'm his sister.

 

I'm like I personally think you're throwing this all out of proportion. You know my character, you know the type of person I am, I don't cheat, so if you want to break up with me, to protect yourself from what "could be in the future", then you're hurting yourself

 

{Oh! I'm not hurting myself mami, YOU played yourself out, not me.}

 

I tell him you can't keep running through your life like this, packing it up, shutting down and shipping out when things get hard. Just like you have relationships with your mom, brothers, sisters, daughters, friends.. when they hurt you... you either forgive them or don't forgive them based on their character...is a normal thing for your brother to come down here and not even call you? But to call everyone else? No... but he did it, he said he didn't do it on purpose, and although you were upset for weeks, you got over it. Because you know that's not something your brother would do intentionally.

 

He was just like I don't want to talk about it anymore. WE ARE JUST FRIENDS now... If you really want me to trust you... you'll be a friend and give me my space. I don't need a girlfriend... girlfriend's are sh**

 

I mean it was like the first time he's really opened up about his past... His thing is, he said he used to do things like this when he was in relationships that he was not happy in, go out, and get some girls number, just to make himself feel better or raise his self esteem... So he sees what I did, as me not happy in my relationship and seeking solace in others. - Not true. But that's how he feels.

 

At this point THE DIVA turned into a duck and I started crying so hard that I threw up. everywhere! Sorry to be so graphic, but I hurled on my way to the bathroom and again once I got there, it was so bad I even peed on myself! (sorry gross gross)

 

I think my relationship is over. So I'm listening to my IPOD all of these love songs about doing wrong and being so sorry, and I cried because it really hit home that I could be losing everything! Everything!

 

And when I woke up this morning, I saw that he took down the note that I left above the family portrait. So I'm getting dressed, and I go to put on deodorant and I see the note is on the dresser, but written in blue marker it says:

 

"I still love you but its going to take me some time to get over this. It's not easy for me.

 

I'm trying my best!" - Gee

 

And I cried all over again, I am a mess!

[LaDiva]

Exactly. If you are getting your needs met or home, or are with the right person, then you aren't out looking for action from others. You just don't.

 

And I wouldn't say he's not a good catch because he's a homebody. It just more illustrates their social incompatibility. Happens with a big age difference.

 

 

He told me that he loves going out! He told me that he loves going out!

 

I said with who???! I've been trying to figure out for a year what it is that you like to do...

 

he didn't have an answer.

[LaDiva]

Unlike him, LaDiva needs validation. That's why she went out with the other guy. She craves attention, but only until she gets caught, then suddenly she doesn't want any attention whatsoever, she wants to be a "homegirl" (making lasagna and giving stepchildren bath). Nobody deserves to be treated that way. This is why i said (in my previous post), I would never give her a second chance.

 

 

Contrary to your belief alexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:

 

I don't need validation from anyone. I'm smart, sexy, successful and savvy, and I got there on my own accord. People get into relationships for all different sorts of reasons, but I get into a relationship based on whether or not this person and I can relate to each other, as well as, how we compliment each other.

 

If I needed 'validation' from others, I probably would have cheated when he did, or when he lied about spending certain money that we saved or when I lost the baby...

 

When I go to my home town I could see my exes and he wouldn't know about it.

 

And my KIDS have and will continue to come FIRST, because they are innocent in all of this. Even when he is the one to do wrong. So leave my kids out of this. They don't even call their own mother mommy. They call me mommy, why? Children aren't stupid, you can't swindle a child. I am their Mommy, their mother is their mother.

 

So your theory about what I need is bull. Because its unfounded on whatever you think of me, and I need my guy.

 

Thank you.

[loveslife]

Hi LaDiva,

 

One thing I've learned is that respect is the foundation for any good relationship. From what you've said, it sounds like what you did made him lose respect for you. It sounds like he has held you to a very high standard of behavior and you let down his expectations.

 

You keep saying that giving your number to this guy, letting him buy you breakfast, etc. was stupid and a mistake but not cheating. Whether or not it was cheating, it is something that obviously brought you down in his eyes in terms of esteem from him.

 

If I were him, I would want desperately to get past this but I would find it hard to respect you again. And, for me, once I lose respect I always also lose love. It's happened to me in relationships where I loved the person very much for a very long time.

 

I'm not saying any of this is definitely relevant to your situation. It's just a perspective.

[Jilly Bean]

Diva - I asked you this before, and you didn't answer this.

 

How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If he went to have dinner and cigars with friends, and you saw a flirty text from some chick?

[LaDiva]

Hi LaDiva,

 

One thing I've learned is that respect is the foundation for any good relationship. From what you've said, it sounds like what you did made him lose respect for you. It sounds like he has held you to a very high standard of behavior and you let down his expectations.

 

You keep saying that giving your number to this guy, letting him buy you breakfast, etc. was stupid and a mistake but not cheating. Whether or not it was cheating, it is something that obviously brought you down in his eyes in terms of esteem from him.

 

If I were him, I would want desperately to get past this but I would find it hard to respect you again. And, for me, once I lose respect I always also lose love. It's happened to me in relationships where I loved the person very much for a very long time.

 

I'm not saying any of this is definitely relevant to your situation. It's just a perspective.

 

everything you said was right. I can't even contend. I really want to get past the 'whether or not it was cheating' angle. Because I realize you are right, he has lost his respect for me...

 

I told him last night, you've put me so high on a pedestal that ANYTHING i do wrong would seem like the end of the world.

 

I asked him what another poster said... if you feel like we can't move past this, please let me know.

 

It's better than the agony, ESTOY SUFRIENDO POR ES ERROR! ( I am suffering for this mistake)

 

But if you feel that maybe we can, then let me know and I will wait.

 

But its not healthy for either one of us to sit here and be upset with each other to the point of no return. If you need space let me know I will leave.

 

So like i said, he left me the note this morning and said he still loves me, its just going to take him a while to get over it. and that he's trying his best.

[LaDiva]

Diva - I asked you this before, and you didn't answer this.

 

How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If he went to have dinner and cigars with friends, and you saw a flirty text from some chick?

 

 

oh bother. 1st. off. I'll say it again, i didn't cheat. As a RULE I break up with cheaters. If he had've had some girl text him in the same manner, I would've asked if they did anything, he would've said no, and that would've been it. If i had've found a number in his pocket, thats not cheating. I would've been pissed. as he has every right to be pissed now... but I don't agree with those who said I cheated... and besides all of that... Im moving on.

 

And i didn't consider breakfast a date, more so than a gathering between my girlfriend, and some guy.

 

and from another post:

 

he has done, this , that, and a little of something else. But this post isn't about that.

 

why? because I don't see it as him cheating, just having been in a moment of stupidity as well.

 

This is not something I take lightly, nor would I take it lightly from him.

 

I've said that I would be upset. But to go three days leaving the house without even saying good bye? That is dumb as horse-sh. and everyone knows it.

 

I don't care how angry i was that he was sending girls on myspace private messages to call him at MY HOUSE nevertheless while I was in Boston for a weekend, I didnt act as childish as he is acting now.

 

So please

 

 

 

I answer all questions from people who are concerned.

[loveslife]

everything you said was right. I can't even contend. I really want to get past the 'whether or not it was cheating' angle. Because I realize you are right, he has lost his respect for me...

 

I told him last night, you've put me so high on a pedestal that ANYTHING i do wrong would seem like the end of the world.

 

I asked him what another poster said... if you feel like we can't move past this, please let me know.

 

It's better than the agony, ESTOY SUFRIENDO POR ES ERROR! ( I am suffering for this mistake)

 

But if you feel that maybe we can, then let me know and I will wait.

 

But its not healthy for either one of us to sit here and be upset with each other to the point of no return. If you need space let me know I will leave.

 

So like i said, he left me the note this morning and said he still loves me, its just going to take him a while to get over it. and that he's trying his best.

 

You said he's a Pisces, right? I was involved with a Pisces once. He put me high on a pedestal, thought I was the greatest thing since swiss cheese.

 

It was incredibly suffocating for me though because 1) he had this totally skewed idea of who I am; and 2) being held on a pedestal is uncomfortable because it's like you can't breathe, like anything you do to disrupt it will make it all fall apart.

 

So, one day I told him some stuff about me, things that I felt helped define me but made me less-than-perfect.

 

I breathed a big sigh of relief. I felt like I could finally be myself. He, on the other hand, couldn't handle it and cut off contact with me (after saying he still wanted to stay in contact.)

 

On the other hand, I've had experiences with a Scorpio and an Aquarius where they held me on a pedestal and once I exposed my true self they liked me even more.

 

From everything I've read about Pisces they live in a dream world and do idolize their partners. And it is really their own selves (not their partners) that are the undoing of this. You were bound to let him down eventually.

 

Whether or not you believe in astrology, I think it is his high expectations of you and his living in that dream world of you being the one to make everything better that caused this strong reaction from him.

 

It's not YOU that he found trustworthy, it was his image of you.

[AAlike]

 

I mean it was like the first time he's really opened up about his past... His thing is, he said he used to do things like this when he was in relationships that he was not happy in, go out, and get some girls number, just to make himself feel better or raise his self esteem... So he sees what I did, as me not happy in my relationship and seeking solace in others. - Not true. But that's how he feels.

 

 

so there you have it. and I think that there's some probably at least some truth to his statement.

 

that's the thing - you've been focusing on the "why not? what's the big deal" aspect of giving out your number. we haven't really discussed the "why" part.

 

look, I'm in a relationship and I flirt a fair amount ("flirting" is another one of those arbitrary terms like cheating - is it a well-defined action or is it intent - here I'm defining it as maybe tossing in an extra joke or something) - I am a naturally outgoing and chatty guy so I find myself flirting without even realizing it at times. I am always forthcoming about having a GF but there's still something about making a pretty girl smile that is a nice feeling. I mean, hell, last night my fiancee and I went to get our haircut at the same place, and I was flirting with the stylist in front of her. I wasn't doing anything other than telling a few jokes, but I think we all knew that I probably was embellishing a little more since she was attractive. I don't see the harm in that - it's no different than the reason why your GF is as likely, if not more likely, to get dressed up for a girls' night out than she is for a night out with you!! your SO can tell you you're sexy 1000 times a day but there's still something about just asserting that sexiness for a moment of circumstance that is nice. and I know that women are well aware of this fact!

 

however, I don't think that it's too difficult to see the distinction between "I cracked a few jokes while I got my haircut" versus "I traded numbers with the stylist and we went to dinner." That's what I don't get - any "validation" or whatever that you needed, you would have received by the guy telling you that you were sexy. And if you really had no intention of seeing him again, what was the point of giving out your number and going to breakfast?? I am aware that you were drunk but I dunno.

 

so I see his line of thinking.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's certainly a step forward, I agree that he must have put you on so high a pedestal, it was a long way to drop, but bound to happen.

 

I hope it works out for you, give him a little time, but know when you are done waiting, or you could wait forever.

[LaDiva]

It's certainly a step forward, I agree that he must have put you on so high a pedestal, it was a long way to drop, but bound to happen.

 

I hope it works out for you, give him a little time, but know when you are done waiting, or you could wait forever.

 

 

thanks sweetz... he just called me.

 

I'm crying at work. Heloo! Do you guys know how it feels to have to ask your boss can you wear sunglasses because one of your co-workers spotted you first thing in the morning and said DAYUM! What happened to your face?

 

He said Diva, i just want to let you know that I do love you.