Fiancee Read 1 Text Message After Night Out

[LaDiva]

OP, you really might want to reconsider your marriage, though. How can you spend your whole life with someone whom you can't even have fun with?? If this goes on you really MIGHT end up cheating because you simply can't have any fun WITH him; and that should not be an excuse.

 

I'm working on it... if he doesn't change... even after what we've gone through... then maybe we should both sit down and re-evaluate our relationship.

 

but i guess i have to wait until he's even ready to forgive me.

[AAlike]

Guys, I really don't get it. How can anyone say that she was cheating? Physical cheating requires physical intimacy. Emotional cheating requires emotional dependence. She did neither. I see incredible double standards here. If a guy who has a gf goes around eyeing hot girls and whistling at them he is not cheating, I'm sure??? Yes, he might be stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful, perhaps. But I am sure all of us would agree that he's not cheating.

 

I agree that neither her instance nor the instance that you described is cheating. but I also believe that both instances are probably outside what most people would consider the typical boundaries of a relationship, so even if it's not cheating but instead is merely "stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful" - does that really change the issue a whole lot? we can argue about semantics or we can address the issue.

[AAlike]

I'm working on it... if he doesn't change... even after what we've gone through... then maybe we should both sit down and re-evaluate our relationship.

 

but i guess i have to wait until he's even ready to forgive me.

 

yep, that's it in a nutshell - two distinct issues.

 

give him time to lick his wounds. be as loving and cooperative as you can for another few days. but take this forced time off to itemize exactly what you want out of this relationship so that when the time comes you'll be ready to roll!

 

then talk to him as objectively as possible.

[LaDiva]

I agree that neither her instance nor the instance that you described is cheating. but I also believe that both instances are probably outside what most people would consider the typical boundaries of a relationship, so even if it's not cheating but instead is merely "stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful" - does that really change the issue a whole lot? we can argue about semantics or we can address the issue.

 

 

Yes, i agree, I'm addressing the issue, but while I appreciate everyone's response, (I show this by responding back) it just aggravates me that people would even respond if they don't know what they are talking about

[harmfulsweetz]

Oh Jeez, everyone (nearly) is so judgemental? She didn't kiss, touch or anything with this guy! She wasn't cheating! Maybe she should have been more alert into what she was doing giving out her number, but that doesn't mean she violated anything, if anything, she just didn't think for a minute. We all have those.

 

As others have said, you need to really work out if he is willing to adapt a little to you. Why should you sit in all the time because that is what he does? If he's not willing to try and take you out, then maybe, just maybe he's not the one for you.

[harmfulsweetz]

You're sooo incredibly naiive.

1) new friend think you're hot

2) new friend has your number

3) new friend has a big, bad, bling car

4) new friend is a man

 

YES- DUH this isn't going to sit well for fiance.

 

 

 

You did. You knowingly hung out with a man who liked you (company and physically). You express that you know what you did was wrong, but now you're mad at him because he's mad at you for something that was wrong in both your eyes.

 

Yeah- in no other words he's exactly right: you violated his trust. You hung out with a guy who likely didn't have straight intentions.

 

 

 

Have you ever tried looking at it from his angle? Obviously you never have. Perhpas he thinks that you're excessive flirting IS cheating. Perhaps you "technically" classify it as not cheating... but have you asked him if flirting/ hanging out with new men is acceptable behaviour? Because likely he will say no- that's unacceptable and crosses the line. Therefore you have violated your relationship boundries.

 

Honest doesn't mean you get out scotch free. You should know that. Your beloved little girl admits she stole something. She doesn't get punished becasue she told the truth? Yeah right.

 

You SHOULD be punished. Good on him for calling out your inappropriate actions. Even you, yourself know they are inappropriate.

This morning he turns our Christmas family photo of me, him, and the children around on the wall so now the frame looks blank.

 

 

 

You DID cheat. You cheated him. In his eyes, that's how it feels. The fact that you feel like you shouldn't be apologizing is pretty alarming too. So long as you don't screw a guy... it isn't cheating? I would bet your fiance doesn't agree with that at all. Then you go so far as to say if he did this.... I wouldn't do that. Bull.

but what one classes as excessive, another may think is normal. Flirting isn't cheating. Occaissionally it's a lapse in judgement, a little bit painful, but not cheating.

[LaDiva]

Oh Jeez, everyone (nearly) is so judgemental? She didn't kiss, touch or anything with this guy! She wasn't cheating! Maybe she should have been more alert into what she was doing giving out her number, but that doesn't mean she violated anything, if anything, she just didn't think for a minute. We all have those.

 

As others have said, you need to really work out if he is willing to adapt a little to you. Why should you sit in all the time because that is what he does? If he's not willing to try and take you out, then maybe, just maybe he's not the one for you.

 

 

Thanks tootz. This is already hard enough, without any additional... well you did this.

 

I just want my man back.

 

DAY 3.

[LaDiva]

but what one classes as excessive, another may think is normal. Flirting isn't cheating. Occaissionally it's a lapse in judgement, a little bit painful, but not cheating.

 

 

they are going to think that because we are both young... we are naive.

 

Um hello. if you normally stop and shop at stop and shop and then you stop for gas somewhere and pick up a pack of gum.

 

You're not cheating on stop and shop, just because you stopped and shopped somewhere else.

 

You didn't fantasize about the gas station becoming your primary source of shopping fulfillment, you just happened to stop... and a pack of gum is not that serious.

 

 

Sue me!

[harmfulsweetz]

Thanks tootz. This is already hard enough, without any additional... well you did this.

 

I just want my man back.

 

DAY 3.

I didn't mean anything by it. I just meant that if it is an important part of who you are to go out, enjoy yourself and if he can't slightly adapt to that (I can't see why not) then maybe, you need to think about it. Do you want to be with him more than your social life? If so, cool.

[harmfulsweetz]

they are going to think that because we are both young... we are naive.

 

Um hello. if you normally stop and shop at stop and shop and then you stop for gas somewhere and pick up a pack of gum.

 

You're not cheating on stop and shop, just because you stopped and shopped somewhere else.

 

You didn't fantasize about the gas station becoming your primary source of shopping fulfillment, you just happened to stop... and a pack of gum is not that serious.

 

 

Sue me!

lol. True. It seems stupid that people are calling what you did cheating.

[Island Girl]

but what one classes as excessive, another may think is normal. Flirting isn't cheating. Occaissionally it's a lapse in judgement, a little bit painful, but not cheating.

 

 

If I went out to dinner with a new "friend" who basically picked me up at a club that same night and went and ate with him my husband would flash on how many hook ups he had the exact same way with women when he was single.

 

He would be furious.

 

If I then received a text that said what that Benz guy said he would be shaken, hurt, worried, livid, and he would question whether I am cheating physically - have before and this is just when I was caught - making a fool of him - not love him anymore - you name it.

 

It is the entire sequence of events, location, and timing that are the problem.

 

This wasn't just flirting with someone.

 

And if your man doesn't mind you handing out you phone number to other guys and going out to eat with them then you are in an open relationship.

 

Clearly that wasn't the case here nor is it in most marriages.

And when you get engaged - that is when the marriage starts.

You marry who that person is then.

If you get married saying "after the wedding it'll be different" about anything other than your last name it is a recipe for disaster.

[LaDiva]

yep, that's it in a nutshell - two distinct issues.

 

give him time to lick his wounds. be as loving and cooperative as you can for another few days. but take this forced time off to itemize exactly what you want out of this relationship so that when the time comes you'll be ready to roll!

 

then talk to him as objectively as possible.

 

 

It's so hard to not talk about this with him...

 

I have been following you guy's advice and if he asks me a question, I answer it, as if I'm not suffering from not talking to him although we live in the same house.

 

If I have to ask him something, I don't bring the issue to light even though I wanna be like, um... so when are we going to start sleeping in the same room again?

 

Last night I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie and he said "no, not right now"

 

Which is better than his responses to me on Sunday

[Island Girl]

It's so hard to not talk about this with him...

 

I have been following you guy's advice and if he asks me a question, I answer it, as if I'm not suffering from not talking to him although we live in the same house.

 

If I have to ask him something, I don't bring the issue to light even though I wanna be like, um... so when are we going to start sleeping in the same room again?

 

Last night I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie and he said "no, not right now"

 

Which is better than his responses to me on Sunday

 

Well good that there is progress.

 

You can let him know you miss being near him. And that you are sorry.

You can talk to him -- just read his responses whether he is feeling warmer or cooler and don't push if it is the latter.

 

And don't start talking about your agenda or problems that you want addressed until this is put behind you.(It seems you already have a good handle on this one.)

[LaDiva]

If I went out to dinner with a new "friend" who basically picked me up at a club that same night and went and ate with him my husband would flash on how many hook ups he had the exact same way with women when he was single.

 

 

 

It is the entire sequence of events, location, and timing that are the problem.

 

This wasn't just flirting with someone.

 

I

 

 

It was. a weird sequence of events, location and timing, but I didn't think anything of it, and like i said, I would have shared the WHOLE story with my SO, had he let me, but he went through my phone, and found out the wrong way.

 

I don't even consider it flirting with him at all... now that I've thought about it. I did not give him any inclination that he could call me sexy. I now remember him saying he lived in orange county nj, and I said it would be cool if me and my so could purchase a house in Jersey.

 

Like i said, like it or not, i gave the guy my number on the premise of never seeing him again, after he paid for me and my girlfriend's breakfast..

 

As dexter. or trimmer said... sure i gave him a consolation prize by giving him my number but it was never meant for him to call me and continue on a relationship. a scandalous affair whatever.

 

I honestly had not intentions of ever speaking to this guy again.

[LaDiva]

If I went out to dinner with a new "friend" who basically picked me up at a club that same night and went and ate with him my husband would flash on how many hook ups he had the exact same way with women when he was single.

 

He would be furious.

 

If I then received a text that said what that Benz guy said he would be shaken, hurt, worried, livid, and he would question whether I am cheating physically - have before and this is just when I was caught - making a fool of him - not love him anymore - you name it.

 

It is the entire sequence of events, location, and timing that are the problem.

 

This wasn't just flirting with someone.

 

And if your man doesn't mind you handing out you phone number to other guys and going out to eat with them then you are in an open relationship.

 

Clearly that wasn't the case here nor is it in most marriages.

And when you get engaged - that is when the marriage starts.

You marry who that person is then.

If you get married saying "after the wedding it'll be different" about anything other than your last name it is a recipe for disaster.

 

Well good that there is progress.

 

You can let him know you miss being near him. And that you are sorry.

You can talk to him -- just read his responses whether he is feeling warmer or cooler and don't push if it is the latter.

 

And don't start talking about your agenda or problems that you want addressed until this is put behind you.(It seems you already have a good handle on this one.)

 

thank you darling. muahz!

 

damn there I go flirting asexually again!

 

[Els]

I'm working on it... if he doesn't change... even after what we've gone through... then maybe we should both sit down and re-evaluate our relationship.

 

but i guess i have to wait until he's even ready to forgive me.

 

Can you truly imagine a future with this guy, OP? 30 years down the road, if he doesn't change? I really don't think you both sound compatible.

 

I agree that neither her instance nor the instance that you described is cheating. but I also believe that both instances are probably outside what most people would consider the typical boundaries of a relationship, so even if it's not cheating but instead is merely "stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful" - does that really change the issue a whole lot? we can argue about semantics or we can address the issue.

 

I aimed this not at the posters who said that 'you're doing this wrong, you need to sit down with him and establish boundaries', but rather the posters who essentially said 'you cheated, so you have no right to expect or ask anything of him anymore'. 'Cheating' needs to be distinguished from 'being stupid' because the former seems to imply that one has betrayed his/her partner and has effectively nullified ANY rights they have in a relationship... while the latter is simply an issue that both people need to work on.

[LaDiva]

I didn't mean anything by it. I just meant that if it is an important part of who you are to go out, enjoy yourself and if he can't slightly adapt to that (I can't see why not) then maybe, you need to think about it. Do you want to be with him more than your social life? If so, cool.

 

 

no, no, no... I meant from other folks... who are quick to point the finger, however, I hardly doubt everything goes so perfect in their lives

[LaDiva]

Can you truly imagine a future with this guy, OP? 30 years down the road, if he doesn't change? I really don't think you both sound compatible.

 

- I imagine that since 65% of the time, i really don't want to do anything anyway... that by the time I get to 38 and he's 51... we'll be on the same wave length. He's the type of person who likes to work on the house, (he is sort of the super to our building, figure out how something works, you know stuff like that. I don't know. He says he's compatible with me, and not to stress him.

 

I aimed this not at the posters who said that 'you're doing this wrong, you need to sit down with him and establish boundaries', but rather the posters who essentially said 'you cheated, so you have no right to expect or ask anything of him anymore'. 'Cheating' needs to be distinguished from 'being stupid' because the former seems to imply that one has betrayed his/her partner and has effectively nullified ANY rights they have in a relationship... while the latter is simply an issue that both people need to work on.

 

And I agree.

[harmfulsweetz]

no, no, no... I meant from other folks... who are quick to point the finger, however, I hardly doubt everything goes so perfect in their lives

Oh sorry, I completely misread it. Everyone has lapses, and not everyone knows what others expect from them, or view as cheating or whatever. Not everyone can be as perfect as some of the people on here lol.

[Island Girl]

It was. a weird sequence of events, location and timing, but I didn't think anything of it, and like i said, I would have shared the WHOLE story with my SO, had he let me, but he went through my phone, and found out the wrong way.

 

I don't even consider it flirting with him at all... now that I've thought about it. I did not give him any inclination that he could call me sexy. I now remember him saying he lived in orange county nj, and I said it would be cool if me and my so could purchase a house in Jersey.

 

Like i said, like it or not, i gave the guy my number on the premise of never seeing him again, after he paid for me and my girlfriend's breakfast..

 

As dexter. or trimmer said... sure i gave him a consolation prize by giving him my number but it was never meant for him to call me and continue on a relationship. a scandalous affair whatever.

 

I honestly had not intentions of ever speaking to this guy again.

 

I realize that. And I know you are being honest here.

 

But it doesn't appear that way especially if you are looking at the situation through the veil of betrayal.

 

What I hope you realize for your future reference is what the males here have told you - what you thought was innocent was a flashing neon sign to the guy. He saw it as an open invitation and because you gave him your number he assumed you could give a crap whether you had a boyfriend or not.

You know your intentions you do not know the other person's. And you can not control their actions either.

So you never let them have a peep hole into your life. Meaning, they get no personal information to contact you or think there is any chance at all that there could be a possibility of "getting to know you better".

You didn't owe that guy anything. And you were never going to see him again so why give him your phone number.

(I know you already gave your reason -- I am questioning judgment here -- the question is rhetorical.)

 

It also looked really bad that you told the guy to wait a while before calling.

 

To be honest in a guy's mind that is more of a reason to believe that, IF there was indeed a boyfriend (because some women lie about that), there very well may not be soon - that means there is trouble in River City.

[LaDiva]

Oh sorry, I completely misread it. Everyone has lapses, and not everyone knows what others expect from them, or view as cheating or whatever. Not everyone can be as perfect as some of the people on here lol.

 

do you like chocolate chips ahoy cookies with milk?

 

[AAlike]

- I imagine that since 65% of the time, i really don't want to do anything anyway... that by the time I get to 38 and he's 51... we'll be on the same wave length. He's the type of person who likes to work on the house, (he is sort of the super to our building, figure out how something works, you know stuff like that. I don't know. He says he's compatible with me, and not to stress him.

 

well, I see the logic there and that may end up being accurate. but as someone who was at the bar every night at your age, I can tell you that even though your preferred activities may change, I highly doubt that you'll all of a sudden develop into a homebody. even though I don't have much use for "the bar" per se anymore, I still also don't have much use for sitting around watching TV on the couch.

 

don't excuse a lack of compromise by thinking it'll resolve itself.

[LaDiva]

I realize that. And I know you are being honest here.

 

But it doesn't appear that way especially if you are looking at the situation through the veil of betrayal.

 

What I hope you realize for your future reference is what the males here have told you - what you thought was innocent was a flashing neon sign to the guy. He saw it as an open invitation and because you gave him your number he assumed you could give a crap whether you had a boyfriend or not.

You know your intentions you do not know the other person's. And you can not control their actions either.

So you never let them have a peep hole into your life. Meaning, they get no personal information to contact you or think there is any chance at all that there could be a possibility of "getting to know you better".

You didn't owe that guy anything. And you were never going to see him again so why give him your phone number.

(I know you already gave your reason -- I am questioning judgment here -- the question is rhetorical.)

 

It also looked really bad that you told the guy to wait a while before calling.

 

To be honest in a guy's mind that is more of a reason to believe that, IF there was indeed a boyfriend (because some women lie about that), there very well may not be soon - that means there is trouble in River City.

 

I don't care if you guys don't believe me,.. I received a lot of great advice, and I intend to be wholly on the straight and narrow.

[girl68]

why? because I don't see it as him cheating, just having been in a moment of stupidity as well.

he was sending girls on myspace private messages to call him at MY HOUSE nevertheless while I was in Boston for a weekend, I didnt act as childish as he is acting now.

 

Umm seriously!? Wow, you're a little dream come true- lapses in judgement therefore you get to flirt/ send myspace messages... give it 10 years the flirting and messages are going to be 10 times worse.

 

but what one classes as excessive, another may think is normal. Flirting isn't cheating. [iNSERT: TO YOU]

 

My boundry is not your boundry and yours is not mine.

[LaDiva]

well, I see the logic there and that may end up being accurate. but as someone who was at the bar every night at your age, I can tell you that even though your preferred activities may change, I highly doubt that you'll all of a sudden develop into a homebody. even though I don't have much use for "the bar" per se anymore, I still also don't have much use for sitting around watching TV on the couch.

 

don't excuse a lack of compromise by thinking it'll resolve itself.

 

 

so you think that accepting him as he is would be taking it too far on my account.

 

i mean, when i say i have no complaints, I can honestly assess my relationship and say that I have no complaints. Do i wish the both of us made more money? of course. do i hope every waking moment of my day that when I get home, I will walk into a kitchen that is free of his coffee mug with the sponge in it? (That bugs the hell out of me, just wash it!) Do I wish that when he smokes his cigarette at 3AM while he was sitting on the toilet that he wouldn't use the bathroom sink as an ashtray... of course.

 

but i'm not complaining about things one bit!

 

he's better than all my best friends... i can honestly tell him everything, and I get to have sex with him!