Fiancee Read 1 Text Message After Night Out

[harmfulsweetz]

Have you discussed this with him? In the past? Now? Have you said 'look, it would be nice if we caught a movie after work one night?' Or whatever? Find middle-ground, suggest having one proper dressed up night a month, but don't expect him to change. It's all about comprimise.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can see that he's warming back up, but then he gets cold all over again.

 

thats what happens when there is a trust issue. Its a roller coaster of emotions. One day the a partner will think, "this is silly, I want things normal and happy again", then the next day, "I can't trust that #$%&*!!!!"

 

He'll come around I'm sure, but the problem is, what this guy texted you. He has absolutely NO WAY of knowing what really went on. The guy you gave your number to really f####d you over by texting that to you. Something tells me he knew there'd be a chance that your bf would see it and it would cause friction....or its his player sly way of trying to chase you until you do give in.

 

But strap in, the roller coaster isn't over yet. It will take a while for this to go away, but again, he has no way of knowing the truth. And thats unfortunate for you because there is no way, other than maybe a lie detector test, that you can prove to him nothing actually went on.

 

But maybe clubbing should be out for you? Like you said, lots of guys where hitting on you, you like the attention, thats why people go to clubs. So if you like this attention, then maybe a committed relationship isn't in the cards for you right now.

 

Or maybe you could just stop going to clubs if your fiancee is more important to you. Would be an easy decision for me....but then again, I can't stand clubs and what that all entails.

[Dexter Morgan]

touché.

 

ouch.

 

okay so what exactly do I say in this boundary conversation?

 

Because I hurt him, do I get to make requests for boundaries as well?

 

not really, but any boundary that is for you to respect also should go for him as well.

 

i.e. if I were to tell someone that I don't want a gf that goes clubbing, then I better not go to one myself....etc.

 

if you want to talk boundaries for him, maybe that should come up at a later date, because discussing a boundary for him in the early stages of your fek up might agitate him.

[Island Girl]

not really, but any boundary that is for you to respect also should go for him as well.

 

i.e. if I were to tell someone that I don't want a gf that goes clubbing, then I better not go to one myself....etc.

 

if you want to talk boundaries for him, maybe that should come up at a later date, because discussing a boundary for him in the early stages of your fek up might agitate him.

 

 

Exactly.

 

You have to get back on the same page before you can even begin to discuss going out and where, etc. With or without him.

 

Right now it should be all about HIM and you realizing how badly you screwed up the relationship just now.

 

I hope this talk of your boundaries and your wanting to get that part settled is only sparked by previous posts that mention it.

 

Because if that is what is important in your head - by that I mean you ARE thinking about the "buts" and wanting to get that issue addressed - it concerns me that marriage and the life you share with your boyfriend may not be what you really want at all.

 

Maybe a lot of it is great but you aren't ready for all this the responsibility and commitment yet? -- Just a thought but that question should be thought about and answered honestly if only to yourself.

[LaDiva]

Have you discussed this with him? In the past? Now? Have you said 'look, it would be nice if we caught a movie after work one night?' Or whatever? Find middle-ground, suggest having one proper dressed up night a month, but don't expect him to change. It's all about comprimise.

 

 

I agree. I can't tell you guys how much I try. I can say he makes the effort, but then changes his mind. ITs a big let down for me.

 

I'm like lets go to city island and walk around.

 

Lets go to the beach.

 

You want to go to the gym with me?

 

Everything is a maybe, and then he ultimately says no!

[LaDiva]

thats what happens when there is a trust issue. Its a roller coaster of emotions. One day the a partner will think, "this is silly, I want things normal and happy again", then the next day, "I can't trust that #$%&*!!!!"

 

He'll come around I'm sure, but the problem is, what this guy texted you. He has absolutely NO WAY of knowing what really went on. The guy you gave your number to really f####d you over by texting that to you. Something tells me he knew there'd be a chance that your bf would see it and it would cause friction....or its his player sly way of trying to chase you until you do give in.

 

But strap in, the roller coaster isn't over yet. It will take a while for this to go away, but again, he has no way of knowing the truth. And thats unfortunate for you because there is no way, other than maybe a lie detector test, that you can prove to him nothing actually went on.

 

But maybe clubbing should be out for you? Like you said, lots of guys where hitting on you, you like the attention, thats why people go to clubs. So if you like this attention, then maybe a committed relationship isn't in the cards for you right now.

 

Or maybe you could just stop going to clubs if your fiancee is more important to you. Would be an easy decision for me....but then again, I can't stand clubs and what that all entails.

 

 

I won't go clubbing anymore!

 

Contrary what to what SOME posters may believe... I am not a bimbo! I'm not posting on a forum to get a pat on the back, and a "there there", I'm posting because I do want to save my relationship.

 

If it means, I gotta grow up, then shoot. I gotta grow up. There are deep rooted issues with me, read my previous posts. People always leave me! Cheat on me! I would never have done this on purpose.

 

I'm ready to be with him, THREE DAYS of him not talking to me makes me ache inside! I just want to snatch him up and throw him on the bed with me just to HUG him, I wish he could open my heart and see, that its him I want to be with and no one else.

 

Geez. This is hard as ****

[LaDiva]

not really, but any boundary that is for you to respect also should go for him as well.

 

i.e. if I were to tell someone that I don't want a gf that goes clubbing, then I better not go to one myself....etc.

 

if you want to talk boundaries for him, maybe that should come up at a later date, because discussing a boundary for him in the early stages of your fek up might agitate him.

 

 

okay... so for now, just listen and be PATIENT... ok. You guys, this is not me, I'm a real sweetheart, I just get caught up in dumb stuff.

[LaDiva]

Exactly.

 

You have to get back on the same page before you can even begin to discuss going out and where, etc. With or without him.

 

Right now it should be all about HIM and you realizing how badly you screwed up the relationship just now.

 

I hope this talk of your boundaries and your wanting to get that part settled is only sparked by previous posts that mention it.

 

Because if that is what is important in your head - by that I mean you ARE thinking about the "buts" and wanting to get that issue addressed - it concerns me that marriage and the life you share with your boyfriend may not be what you really want at all.

 

Maybe a lot of it is great but you aren't ready for all this the responsibility and commitment yet? -- Just a thought but that question should be thought about and answered honestly if only to yourself.

 

 

NO. I'm only thinking about it because he himself said that there seems to be an underlying issue and because other posters have brought it up.

 

Look, I'll give him all the time he needs, it was never my intention to step outside of my relationship.

 

And I'm not going anywhere even if he wanted me to.

 

I accept him, his family, his daughters...

 

I'm ready.

[AAlike]

Well, I think that I agree with most posters on a few points:

 

1. You definitely need to address your (very valid) concerns with him, but right now you have dug a hole that unfortunately you cannot climb out of on your own. people deal with this type of scenario differently, and obviously his way of dealing with it is trying to make a statement by detatchment - which is actually very common. I'm sure this is a pain in the tail to you, you probably just want an answer, but if you want things to get back to the way that they were you just need to wait it out while he deals in whatever way possible, answer his questions when they come up, resassure him that nothing happened, and just try and keep all interaction cordial and matter-of-fact. he's going to have to make the slow moves toward reconciliation.

 

2. that being said - if things do get back to status quo, he does need to realize that he is asking a lot of a 25-year old and needs to either decide to come out with you on occassion and loosen up, or realize that you're going to need to have your own fun and that your fun may be entirely different that yours. I mean, I can't even IMAGINE when I was 25 moving into a situation where I had to raise kids - and if I were in that situation at that point in my life, I probably also would have acted out. I have always detested clubs (too much of a music snob, plus I never met women in places where you're "supposed" to meet women - I like bars that are cheaper and more personable), but I can imagine that when I did get out I would have maximized my "freedom" on those nights by shooting pool with my friends or closing down some punk bar, much like you had! are you 100% sure that this is what you want, especially if he is unwilling to at least try and have some mild participation in your social life?

[LaDiva]

Well, I think that I agree with most posters on a few points:

are you 100% sure that this is what you want, especially if he is unwilling to at least try and have some mild participation in your social life?

 

well... he is the first guy I ever had to not write to you guys about whether or not I should be with him, I know the answer deep inside

 

He totally rocks my socks off.

[loveslife]

well... he is the first guy I ever had to not write to you guys about whether or not I should be with him, I know the answer deep inside

 

He totally rocks my socks off.

 

When I'm with a guy that totally knocks my socks off I don't give other guys my number or go out with them on dates (and the breakfast was a date). But then I'm not you.

 

It seems your emotions and thoughts are all over the place. Through this thread you say one thing is the issue, then another thing is the issue and then you talk about your past relationships and his past relationships....

 

Sheesh, I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

 

I suspect he really wants this to work out, if for nothing else to keep stability for his kids. BUT, I also expect there are some deep-rooted issues and what happened is just a manifestation of those issues.

 

People can rock our worlds but still not be right for us. He's the first guy, it seems, to treat you well...but he deserves someone who values him just as he is, staying home and all.

[AAlike]

 

People can rock our worlds but still not be right for us. He's the first guy, it seems, to treat you well...but he deserves someone who values him just as he is, staying home and all.

 

While I agree with the majority of what you said - I do have to point out that if I was dating someone 13 years my junior and she was emphatically helping to raise my children, I would certainly be conscious of the fact that every once in a while she'd want to have some unbridled fun, much like any 25-year old! if he's really as inflexible as she says and won't even take her out ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY, or do things as trivial as go to the beach or the gym, are we really 100% sure that he's treating her that well? sometimes people, especially younger people that have not-so-great relationship history, tend to think that just because someone is not blatantly crappy towards them that this person is mr. or mrs. right.

 

none of this justifies your actions, but it is still something to think long and hard about. he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has found someone completely unencumbered that is willing to take on his baggage, and as such he should at least be somewhat adaptable.

[loveslife]

While I agree with the majority of what you said - I do have to point out that if I was dating someone 13 years my junior and she was emphatically helping to raise my children, I would certainly be conscious of the fact that every once in a while she'd want to have some unbridled fun, much like any 25-year old! if he's really as inflexible as she says and won't even take her out ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY, or do things as trivial as go to the beach or the gym, are we really 100% sure that he's treating her that well? sometimes people, especially younger people that have not-so-great relationship history, tend to think that just because someone is not blatantly crappy towards them that this person is mr. or mrs. right.

 

none of this justifies your actions, but it is still something to think long and hard about. he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has found someone completely unencumbered that is willing to take on his baggage, and as such he should at least be somewhat adaptable.

 

Well said.

 

I was trying to get to something similar but it never got out of my head the right way.

[LaDiva]

While I agree with the majority of what you said - I do have to point out that if I was dating someone 13 years my junior and she was emphatically helping to raise my children, I would certainly be conscious of the fact that every once in a while she'd want to have some unbridled fun, much like any 25-year old! if he's really as inflexible as she says and won't even take her out ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY, or do things as trivial as go to the beach or the gym, are we really 100% sure that he's treating her that well? sometimes people, especially younger people that have not-so-great relationship history, tend to think that just because someone is not blatantly crappy towards them that this person is mr. or mrs. right.

 

none of this justifies your actions, but it is still something to think long and hard about. he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has found someone completely unencumbered that is willing to take on his baggage, and as such he should at least be somewhat adaptable.

 

 

that is what i want, and what most people who know us say.

 

that I of course was in the wrong. But working it out has go to be a two way street.

[loveslife]

that is what i want, and what most people who know us say.

 

that I of course was in the wrong. But working it out has go to be a two way street.

 

No. You're the one who cheated. It's your fault and your betrayal. Don't you recognize that? Why do you keep talking about what he has to do?

 

It's such a double standard. When men cheat they're lying scum, when women cheat they're unfulfilled.

 

Either way, the cheater very often tries to put responsibility on someone else.

 

Of course for the relationship to work he has to make the effort. But maybe this is the best he can do. If I were you, I'd focus on figuring out why you dishonored the relationship that way.

[loveslife]

And you also ought to do what AAlike suggested and think long and hard if this guy can make you happy. So many times people fall in love with potential and focus all their efforts on molding the relationship into what they hope it can be.

 

I strongly suspect that your cheating episode was a cry for attention. But you can't get him to be someone he's not.

 

Good luck.

[AAlike]

that is what i want, and what most people who know us say.

 

well good - then you've got your answer, you need to say "this is what I want" to him. he either says yes or no, and you decide based on his response if the relationship should continue. that is what you should have done in the first place.

 

I understand this is a hard thing to do, because ultimatums could potentially end the relationship...and it's certainly easier to think "well, as long as I can go out with the girls and be crazy once in a while I should be fine, so why make it an issue" but it's not going to play out like this.

 

that I of course was in the wrong. But working it out has go to be a two way street.

 

yes, but by doing something that would be considered a breach of trust or warning flag in most relationships, even the ones that do not contain such issues, it's not going to be a two-way street for a while. you are now in a position where you have to wait for the rift to go away before you can do anything. Any attempt to work it out right now will probably just result in him throwing stuff in your face.

[LaDiva]

No. You're the one who cheated. It's your fault and your betrayal. Don't you recognize that? Why do you keep talking about what he has to do?

 

It's such a double standard. When men cheat they're lying scum, when women cheat they're unfulfilled.

 

Either way, the cheater very often tries to put responsibility on someone else.

 

Of course for the relationship to work he has to make the effort. But maybe this is the best he can do. If I were you, I'd focus on figuring out why you dishonored the relationship that way.

 

 

oh bother. 1st. off. I'll say it again, i didn't cheat. As a RULE I break up with cheaters. If he had've had some girl text him in the same manner, I would've asked if they did anything, he would've said no, and that would've been it. If i had've found a number in his pocket, thats not cheating. I would've been pissed. as he has every right to be pissed now... but I don't agree with those who said I cheated... and besides all of that... Im moving on.

 

And i don't consider breakfast a date, more so than a gathering between my girlfriend, and some guy.

 

2nd. of all. i'm not unfulfilled. I just wish I could spend some quality time with my SO. that doesn't involve us being our STUDIO apartment 24/7.

 

3rd and most forthcoming. I am not blaming him for what I did and didnt do. Never did I say its his fault.

 

and 4th and most related to #3 three... you say I should try to figure out why I dishonored my relationship that way... and well... this whole post has been about that.

[LaDiva]

well good - then you've got your answer, you need to say "this is what I want" to him. he either says yes or no, and you decide based on his response if the relationship should continue. that is what you should have done in the first place.

 

I understand this is a hard thing to do, because ultimatums could potentially end the relationship...and it's certainly easier to think "well, as long as I can go out with the girls and be crazy once in a while I should be fine, so why make it an issue" but it's not going to play out like this.

 

 

 

yes, but by doing something that would be considered a breach of trust or warning flag in most relationships, even the ones that do not contain such issues, it's not going to be a two-way street for a while. you are now in a position where you have to wait for the rift to go away before you can do anything. Any attempt to work it out right now will probably just result in him throwing stuff in your face.

 

 

point well taken... Like you said, I will wait... its the only right thing to do. I really love him, and can't really see myself without him... not because as a poster said, he's the first guy that treats me good... thanks for knowing all about me whoever that was.

 

I appreciate him because of how he makes me feel, how I feel with him. How he relates to me, how I relate to him. We both are the same religion, we like the same movies, we're both pisces, - that is our only down fall. We don't argue about money... we argue about coffee! lol... (inside joke) He's a good father, a good lover.

 

This is maybe not that important then.

[girl68]

He stated that he if he couldn't be my man then could he be my friend... I said OF COURSE.

 

You're sooo incredibly naiive.

1) new friend think you're hot

2) new friend has your number

3) new friend has a big, bad, bling car

4) new friend is a man

 

YES- DUH this isn't going to sit well for fiance.

 

he gets mad and says I VIOLATED him and his trust

 

You did. You knowingly hung out with a man who liked you (company and physically). You express that you know what you did was wrong, but now you're mad at him because he's mad at you for something that was wrong in both your eyes.

 

Yeah- in no other words he's exactly right: you violated his trust. You hung out with a guy who likely didn't have straight intentions.

 

I guess I just flirted too much, had too much alcohol. Whatever, but he's acting as if I CHEATED on him, by kissing another guy, sexing somebody and then coming home. But I was honest, and for that I feel I'm being punished.

 

Have you ever tried looking at it from his angle? Obviously you never have. Perhpas he thinks that you're excessive flirting IS cheating. Perhaps you "technically" classify it as not cheating... but have you asked him if flirting/ hanging out with new men is acceptable behaviour? Because likely he will say no- that's unacceptable and crosses the line. Therefore you have violated your relationship boundries.

 

Honest doesn't mean you get out scotch free. You should know that. Your beloved little girl admits she stole something. She doesn't get punished becasue she told the truth? Yeah right.

 

You SHOULD be punished. Good on him for calling out your inappropriate actions. Even you, yourself know they are inappropriate.

This morning he turns our Christmas family photo of me, him, and the children around on the wall so now the frame looks blank.

 

I just feel like I'm tired of apologizing for not cheating. Without placing the blame, I feel like if he would just take me out, it doens't have to be to a club, then I wouldn't act like I have to get it "all out of my system" before I go hibernating for the next 6 months!

 

You DID cheat. You cheated him. In his eyes, that's how it feels. The fact that you feel like you shouldn't be apologizing is pretty alarming too. So long as you don't screw a guy... it isn't cheating? I would bet your fiance doesn't agree with that at all. Then you go so far as to say if he did this.... I wouldn't do that. Bull.

[loveslife]

You DID cheat. You cheated him. In his eyes, that's how it feels. The fact that you feel like you shouldn't be apologizing is pretty alarming too. So long as you don't screw a guy... it isn't cheating? I would bet your fiance doesn't agree with that at all. Then you go so far as to say if he did this.... I wouldn't do that. Bull.

 

It's gotten to the point of futility, I think. Of course it was cheating but she's decided it wasn't cheating.

[LaDiva]

You're sooo incredibly naiive.

1) new friend think you're hot

2) new friend has your number

3) new friend has a big, bad, bling car

4) new friend is a man

 

YES- DUH this isn't going to sit well for fiance.

 

 

 

You did. You knowingly hung out with a man who liked you (company and physically). You express that you know what you did was wrong, but now you're mad at him because he's mad at you for something that was wrong in both your eyes.

 

Yeah- in no other words he's exactly right: you violated his trust. You hung out with a guy who likely didn't have straight intentions.

 

 

 

Have you ever tried looking at it from his angle? Obviously you never have. Perhpas he thinks that you're excessive flirting IS cheating. Perhaps you "technically" classify it as not cheating... but have you asked him if flirting/ hanging out with new men is acceptable behaviour? Because likely he will say no- that's unacceptable and crosses the line. Therefore you have violated your relationship boundries.

 

Honest doesn't mean you get out scotch free. You should know that. Your beloved little girl admits she stole something. She doesn't get punished becasue she told the truth? Yeah right.

 

You SHOULD be punished. Good on him for calling out your inappropriate actions. Even you, yourself know they are inappropriate.

This morning he turns our Christmas family photo of me, him, and the children around on the wall so now the frame looks blank.

 

 

 

You DID cheat. You cheated him. In his eyes, that's how it feels. The fact that you feel like you shouldn't be apologizing is pretty alarming too. So long as you don't screw a guy... it isn't cheating? I would bet your fiance doesn't agree with that at all. Then you go so far as to say if he did this.... I wouldn't do that. Bull.

 

he has done, this , that, and a little of something else. But this post isn't about that.

 

why? because I don't see it as him cheating, just having been in a moment of stupidity as well.

 

This is not something I take lightly, nor would I take it lightly from him.

 

I've said that I would be upset. But to go three days leaving the house without even saying good bye? That is dumb as horse-sh. and everyone knows it.

 

I don't care how angry i was that he was sending girls on myspace private messages to call him at MY HOUSE nevertheless while I was in Boston for a weekend, I didnt act as childish as he is acting now.

 

So please

[LaDiva]

It's gotten to the point of futility, I think. Of course it was cheating but she's decided it wasn't cheating.

 

 

omgod.

 

I cheated. I gave some guy my number that I would never give the time of day. He happened to text me, and I still haven't given him the time of day.

[Els]

Guys, I really don't get it. How can anyone say that she was cheating? Physical cheating requires physical intimacy. Emotional cheating requires emotional dependence. She did neither. I see incredible double standards here. If a guy who has a gf goes around eyeing hot girls and whistling at them he is not cheating, I'm sure??? Yes, he might be stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful, perhaps. But I am sure all of us would agree that he's not cheating.

 

Ditto with her. Yes, it was very silly to give a guy who's evidently interested in her, her number. Yes, it wasn't the brightest idea in the world to go out with him for breakfast. Yes, she owes her man a good explanation for that text, and she should probably delete the guy's number right in front of him if he wants. But uhh.. cheating?

 

OP, you really might want to reconsider your marriage, though. How can you spend your whole life with someone whom you can't even have fun with?? If this goes on you really MIGHT end up cheating because you simply can't have any fun WITH him; and that should not be an excuse.

[LaDiva]

Guys, I really don't get it. How can anyone say that she was cheating? Physical cheating requires physical intimacy. Emotional cheating requires emotional dependence. She did neither. I see incredible double standards here. If a guy who has a gf goes around eyeing hot girls and whistling at them he is not cheating, I'm sure??? Yes, he might be stupid and inconsiderate and disrespectful, perhaps. But I am sure all of us would agree that he's not cheating.

 

Ditto with her. Yes, it was very silly to give a guy who's evidently interested in her, her number. Yes, it wasn't the brightest idea in the world to go out with him for breakfast. Yes, she owes her man a good explanation for that text, and she should probably delete the guy's number right in front of him if he wants. But uhh.. cheating?

 

 

I'd like to hug this poster... but like AA says I need to set boundaries on whats appropriate first.... i wonder if an internet hug is cheating? hmmm... probably... i have an emotional connection with you! You made me happy!

 

That guy? ewww...