LB85 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I have used the word obsessing because I think about why I can't find a guy pretty much all the time. I want to set my priorities right, I know it is not my priority right now but I keep worrying over why I just can't seem to find a decent guy. I was lead on by a guy for over a year and I finally set a deadline and did something to figure out if he really was interested and just shy. He played games and it hurt even though I fell too hard for him. In summer I met a cute guy and had a bit of a fling with him but he knew I wasn't going to just sleep with him since I'm still a virgin and now he's trying to get into my pants which is annoying me because even he is trying to play games. He knows I will sleep with someone I care about etc and he is trying to pretend he is all crazy about me, which is impossible! With no prospective guys to look forwards to, I keep wondering why I can't just find someone. I am picky and really want something specific and I don't believe its wrong but I know I won't find it here. I have been single for 3 years now and the two guys I have really liked in my life never liked me back. It just upsets me that I don't have anyone to share those things with. I feel like something is wrong with me; everyone always says I'm pretty and smart, well spoken etc but I never seem to get a guy. I have never had a guy really like me, how can I stop being desperate to find love? I believe that if i become desperate for it then I definitely wont find it but I still keep wondering and upsetting myself over it. Thanks for reading:)
Soul Bear Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 You need to Value yourself HIGHLY.. RESPECT yourself. You are a PRIZE. Know that it will take someone REALLY special to even get close to you. Have standards and turn people down left right and centre. Try and remain as humble as possible too when you do all this. It works
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I think respecting yourself is actually easier said than done. A lot of individuals have irrational compulsive fears and feelings. Do this instead, because it happened a few years ago sky diving and changed my life. Realize you won't live forever, and really accept that. See, I put me and my instructor into a flat spin on a jump and almost died. After that life looked different to me because I realized everyone on earth will die someday, and it could be tomorrow. When you truly realize and accept that then you will do things that make you happy because it might be your last day, and stop worrying about insecurities.
Sistine Chapel Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Not going to lie, this story sounds very familiar. That's probably because I share it, for the most part. The only real difference is I'm not a female. Felt some strange feelings reading your story really.
espec10001 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Have you considered delving into the arts? Poetry, artwork, music? I've found it takes the stress and pain away and makes me forget just how single I am just like you. As crazy as it sounds I've developed a relationship with the Muse in place of a romantic relationship. Just something to consider and probably not appropriate for the majority but figured I'd throw it out there.
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Have you considered delving into the arts? Poetry, artwork, music? I've found it takes the stress and pain away and makes me forget just how single I am just like you. As crazy as it sounds I've developed a relationship with the Muse in place of a romantic relationship. Just something to consider and probably not appropriate for the majority but figured I'd throw it out there. ?? what you mean the muse? You mean a piece of artwork depicting a muse?
espec10001 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 ?? what you mean the muse? You mean a piece of artwork depicting a muse? The Muse...She visits musicians. You can hear Her in the wind, in the music, if you listen. And you know when She visits you, cause you hear Her whisper and write it down, She brings songs to the world.
Wakely Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Find something else (productive) to obsess about
GorillaTheater Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Spend some time reading the threads in the "Separation and Divorce" and "Infidelity" sections of LS.
missdependant Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Learn to love yourself first. Get comfortable being with just you. Find hobbies or things you enjoy and can do by yourself.
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Spend some time reading the threads in the "Separation and Divorce" and "Infidelity" sections of LS. Lol, that's a good one.
missdependant Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Oh, and if you don't have a pet already.. get one, they make GREAT companions and can be time consuming. If you already have one, more time with it.. train it, take it hiking or to the park, watch movies at home with it and make it a daily routine.
Isolde Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I think there are two components to this. One is that you're not dating as much as you would like; the other is that you haven't found the right person. They are two separate issues. There are therefore two different attitudes you can take towards this, and they're not mutually exclusive. One is to GET OUT THERE and meet as many people as you can. Don't worry if they are single or not. Just get to know them for their personalities. Decide for yourself what makes you happy in terms of friendship, decide what things you like to do, and slowly grow in confidence. People will respond to that--it will have a domino effect. The other thing is to remember that you cannot "catch" or "get" a guy. People do not own each other or own love itself. You can only hope that someday you will want to be with someone and they will want to be with you in the same way. The more you see relationships as something "material," the more miserable you will be, I guarantee it. Relationships can be worked toward indirectly (see the previous paragraph for my advice) but not directly, so don't blame yourself for not having met someone you're really compatible with yet. I understand from my own experience that it is hard to be single for long periods of time and it is trying when you don't even have dates to distract you from it. But there's no reason to let it make you unhappy.
Author LB85 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 in all honesty, most of these things are things I've heard before. Loving yourself...being patient...etc. I don't mean to say its all crap, not at all but you know at a certain point these things don't seem to make sense anymore. I have a very busy life actually, many hobbies and activities but I want to share these with someone. I want these things to matter to someone
Isolde Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 i I want to share these with someone. I want these things to matter to someone I understand. But you have to realize that there is also a serendipity (random chance) component to this. Look, there are members on LS who were single for like 10 years before finding a good relationship.
dreamergrl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Look at it this way... the more you obsess over it, the harder you try. The harder you try, the harder it is to find what you're looking for. Quit trying so much. Remind yourself that having a guy doesn't complete you.
Author LB85 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 I completely agree with you...teh whole serendipity thing but yet...everyone around me finds someone and these people really enjoy being with each other etc. I also feel the social pressure...everyone keeps asking me if I am STILL single. And i pretend its all cool but still, my closest friends say it will turn out well and I will find someone...the reality is I wont. I even thought of just sleeping with my fling because I don't attach that value to it anymore. My experiences have given me no reason to. I believe in love for others but as soon as it comes to me I can't understand why it suddenly would after 20 orso years. I am only 21 but yet...this is the age you can find partners quite easily. I'm not even out to find my soulmate or anything...just someone to have a good time with...someone who can make me feel better when I'm down and laugh with me when I'm happy....*sigh*
Isolde Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I am only 21 but yet...this is the age you can find partners quite easily. I'm not even out to find my soulmate or anything...just someone to have a good time with...someone who can make me feel better when I'm down and laugh with me when I'm happy....*sigh* Eh, many women find more quality men to date, if fewer, in their thirties. I'm not telling you to be passive and do nothing, far from it! Go out and HAVE FUN getting to know people and learning about yourself and others.
loveslife Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I have used the word obsessing because I think about why I can't find a guy pretty much all the time. I want to set my priorities right, I know it is not my priority right now but I keep worrying over why I just can't seem to find a decent guy. I was lead on by a guy for over a year and I finally set a deadline and did something to figure out if he really was interested and just shy. He played games and it hurt even though I fell too hard for him. In summer I met a cute guy and had a bit of a fling with him but he knew I wasn't going to just sleep with him since I'm still a virgin and now he's trying to get into my pants which is annoying me because even he is trying to play games. He knows I will sleep with someone I care about etc and he is trying to pretend he is all crazy about me, which is impossible! With no prospective guys to look forwards to, I keep wondering why I can't just find someone. I am picky and really want something specific and I don't believe its wrong but I know I won't find it here. I have been single for 3 years now and the two guys I have really liked in my life never liked me back. It just upsets me that I don't have anyone to share those things with. I feel like something is wrong with me; everyone always says I'm pretty and smart, well spoken etc but I never seem to get a guy. I have never had a guy really like me, how can I stop being desperate to find love? I believe that if i become desperate for it then I definitely wont find it but I still keep wondering and upsetting myself over it. Thanks for reading:) I think you're attracted to unavailable men for some reason. You say that you're really picky yet you also say that no guy has really liked you, that you got led on, one guy just wanted to be with you to get in your pants... This is not someone who is picky, this is someone who on some level doesn't feel she deserves to be in a happy relationship. I speak from personal experience. Somewhere along the way something happened to make you feel unworthy. What helped me was to set goals that I had some control over... to decide what it was I really wanted to achieve (apart from romance) and set my sights on that. As you get closer to your goals your self-confidence will increase. Then you won't waste any energy on guys who are unworthy and you'll be able to recognize and gravitate towards the ones who have something good to offer you.
Author LB85 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 wow insightful! I even wondered about it for a while..I guess your right...I become interested in the ones I can't get or can't make me happy for some reason. Yeh the fact that the past 3 years went by just like that makes me realise I need to do something about it...but then again I'm not even desperate..just upset and I like to be upset about it for some reason..that's why I keep thinking about it. But the guy who led me on was someone I really fell for. I felt everything for him in one go and I haven't laughed this much with a guy in ages...but unfortunately he treated me like this. I admit its a bad timing for me to have something like this happen to me and I somehow need to tell myself its just one guy. Yet I keep thinking....wow I liked one guy and even he did this...
loveslife Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I really do understand (and recognize) how you feel. There was a guy for me, we got along great, so easily. Yet he turned around and totally betrayed me. I sunk into a hole feeling like a failure. Thinking almost exactly your same words. The thing is, there is a difference between personality and character. I was ignoring things about him (and others) which totally went against my value system and a sense of right and wrong. I suspect with this guy you could pick out some dishonorable things he did along the way (not even necessarily to you) that you chose to ignore. We all lie to ourselves in some ways. The reason I say to go towards goal that will help reinforce your sense of SELF (pursue dreams) is because as you do you'll become less likely to lie to yourself about men's behaviors (because you're being honest in what you truly want in other ways). What is it that you really, really want? What is it you tell yourself that you'll never have so stop trying? (Apart from a man.) Answer these questions and you're taking a step in the right direction. Then go for those dreams.
You'reasian Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I have used the word obsessing because I think about why I can't find a guy pretty much all the time. I want to set my priorities right, I know it is not my priority right now but I keep worrying over why I just can't seem to find a decent guy. I was lead on by a guy for over a year and I finally set a deadline and did something to figure out if he really was interested and just shy. He played games and it hurt even though I fell too hard for him. In summer I met a cute guy and had a bit of a fling with him but he knew I wasn't going to just sleep with him since I'm still a virgin and now he's trying to get into my pants which is annoying me because even he is trying to play games. He knows I will sleep with someone I care about etc and he is trying to pretend he is all crazy about me, which is impossible! With no prospective guys to look forwards to, I keep wondering why I can't just find someone. I am picky and really want something specific and I don't believe its wrong but I know I won't find it here. I have been single for 3 years now and the two guys I have really liked in my life never liked me back. It just upsets me that I don't have anyone to share those things with. I feel like something is wrong with me; everyone always says I'm pretty and smart, well spoken etc but I never seem to get a guy. I have never had a guy really like me, how can I stop being desperate to find love? I believe that if i become desperate for it then I definitely wont find it but I still keep wondering and upsetting myself over it. Thanks for reading:) Have a few earth shattering hook-ups and have fun.
boogieboy Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 If youre THAT picky, and you have a specific type of guy you like, then you will have to find where they are and be more pro-active in catching his attention. Sitting around waiting for him to magically appear in front of you is going to keep you single for another 3 years. Your friendsd probably have bf's because they slacked on their preferences a lil bit, or they put themselves out there more than you do.
Soul Bear Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 it hurt even though I fell too hard for him. I met a cute guy and had a bit of a fling with him but he knew I wasn't going to just sleep with him since I'm still a virgin and now he's trying to get into my pants which is annoying me because even he is trying to play games. He knows I will sleep with someone I care about etc and he is trying to pretend he is all crazy about me, which is impossible! How do you know it's impossible for him to be crazy about you? Were you not crazy about sthe guy you dated for a year 'to soon'............? If you don't trust him or believe him then let him go. Food for thought.
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