b3nx Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I'm a very going person I was brought up that way. I been with my gf a while now and I had slot of girls screw me over due to being a nice bloke. This new girl I kept a wall up and made sure she would not take me for granted. Now I do a fair bit for her I am in the medical field and my gf has been sick so I went out in the middle of the night to get some stuff from drug store. I help wth the washing up and chores at herbokiday house. I don't think I try too hard but I am just respectful of her and love her is this normal for me to do this out of love?
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 What you want to avoid is being a subservient doormat. Taking care of a sick partner is pretty normal, just don't do it when she's fine.
EarthGirl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 What you want to avoid is being a subservient doormat. Taking care of a sick partner is pretty normal, just don't do it when she's fine. I disagree. A healthy loving relationship consists of taking care of a partner pretty much all the time...there may be times when you want to have a more lustful intimate times, and times when you want to let eachother be more adult and independent in your times apart, like career stuff and platonic relationships with other people. and less caretaking because that can remind us of how a parent takes care of a child, and less romantic love like, and since you are adults you should encourage eachother to be adult like and independent to a point and to feel like strong capable people. NOt only in case of it not working out someday and being able to survive the heartache, but also even if it is forever, it is important to be your own people because that is who eachother fell in love with anyway and as a person you don't want to lose who you are for anyone, not even your true love. ..but actually it is completely normal and healthy for two people in love to take care of eachother. In fact to go to great lengths to take good are of eachother, because that really is what love is all about. I would word it differently than H, our resident bad-a$s pessimist and skeptic. I would say that you should take care of her not only when she is sick, but all of the time (also there are other kinds of sicknesses than physical-like sicknesses of the soul which a loving partner can usually help with a lot more than physical, even if the partner is in the medical field and very knowledgable) pretty much. The only thing I would say as to not being a "subservient doormat" is to make sure that she in turn takes care of you just as lovingly. If you go to her and you tell her you need her care in some way and she denies you even if she is not sick in any way herself at the time and has plenty of time available, then that would be a bad sign. And if she is very busy or tired and she cannot always be there, that is not always a sign she does not care for you the same way you care for her because sometimes things are beyond our control, but if she does it again and again and again and does not MAKE time for you occasionally, than that would be a bad sign as well. But if she tries her best to do for you as you do for her then that is the best sign that she feels the same. Also I would like to say how wonderful I think it is that you care so much for her and do such nice things for her. That just shows that you are really a real man. If she really loves you she will be all the more turned on by that stuff, NOT turned off, nor will she think you are clingly or overbearing or overprotective. That's how I would feel if my bf did that stuff for me. That's a good sign too, and of course the opposite, if she seemed to be turned off by it, would be a bad sign of course..I think that is what H is warning you against, that some people back away when too much is done for them...but if a girl really likes a person she will not find your care unnattractive, she will find it all the MORE attractive... Although some people, both men and women may back away at that EVEN if they DO feel the same because of psychological issues, traumatic pasts, etc...and sometimes people get lucky that they get over that and sometimes they don't. I'm really lucky in that by bf got over his, or at least is putting up a hell of a fight for me, which really shows me how much he cares, even more than if he cooked chicken soup for me when I had the flu.
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Which part of a subervient doormat don't you get? If I was a woman and a man came over to my place to wash my crap and do the chores all the time, I'll call him a good dodgy and then dump him. Well I ain't a woman, but it's not hard to know how most people think.
EarthGirl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Which part of a subervient doormat don't you get? If I was a woman and a man came over to my place to wash my crap and do the chores all the time, I'll call him a good dodgy and then dump him. Well I ain't a woman, but it's not hard to know how most people think. whoa, this is so on a different plane of understanding than my post, it's really not even worth trying to explain it to you H. hope you understand someday though.
Lucky_One Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Most women would LOVE to have a man do washing up and doing things around the house! What sort of dummy would dump a man for doing that - usually we dump men who sit on their butts and never lift a finger to help out or to do anything caring for us! As Earthgirl said, just keep an eye out to make sure that the caring and the support are mutual. If she isn't doing anything back for you, then you are becoming a doormat. If you are doing for each other, then you are being caring and respectful.
Thaddeus Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Hkizzle and EarthGirl are actually both right. It's all about context. The sense I get, b3nx, is that you took good care of her while she was ill. That's good, it makes sense and it's the respectful thing to do. Where it starts to go off the rails is when your partner starts expecting, even demanding, you do all those sorts of things for her when she doesn't make a reciprocal effort to do such things for you. Then it starts to become one-sided, and pretty soon you're the "nice guy" that she likes and appreciates but since you present no challenge you end up in the friend-zone. I can speak from experience on this. Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that your girl is like this. There isn't any indication of it in your post. But it's clear that this pattern of behavior has bitten you in the past. "I had slot (sic) of girls screw me over due to being a nice bloke." It didn't work then, it's not going to work now. Being "nice" doesn't make it. There's a good little YouTube series on this that you might want to have a look at: Just a Nice Guy (For the record, I don't know the creators of the video or have anything to do with the production of it, it was just brought to my attention a while ago.)
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Most women would LOVE to have a man do washing up and doing things around the house! What sort of dummy would dump a man for doing that - usually we dump men who sit on their butts and never lift a finger to help out or to do anything caring for us! As Earthgirl said, just keep an eye out to make sure that the caring and the support are mutual. If she isn't doing anything back for you, then you are becoming a doormat. If you are doing for each other, then you are being caring and respectful. When married........ He's in the early stages of dating and like he said been dumped several times. Sometimes I wonder if women even know how they treat men. So many women want strong independent men at the beginning, but a caring carpet sweeper later on.
Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 There's a good little YouTube series on this that you might want to have a look at: Just a Nice Guy Thaddeus, if someone showed me this video when I was 16 I wouldn't have been rejected so much, and wouldn't have turned into the jerk I am now. sniff.....
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