I have slipped

[SidLyon]

I have recently had quite a strong urge to contact the OW again. It has been over 10 months since d-day. During that time the contact between me and her was:

 

- A brief phone call from me to her just after d-day.

- A longer e-mail exchange about a month after d-day, initiated by me.

- A "surprise" visit to her workplace, ostensibly to return gifts to her that she had given my H but really to see what she was like, have a chat etc. This was in mid April and I really intended it to be my closure.

- About 3 weeks after this (early May) she telephoned my H and I phoned her to ask why and we had an unpleasant but brief conversation.

 

Now in the past few weeks I again feel that there was no real closure and that I am owed an explanation as to why she decided it was OK to become part of my marriage. I know my H was a willing participant and I have his explanation but I have nothing much from her - the other party who decided it was Ok to try to destroy my family.

 

About 4 hours ago I sent her a very brief e-mail asking her to talk. I now feel stupid but the urge was overwhelming. Fortunately it was not the much longer, detailed and highly offensive and critical e-mail that I also wanted to send. I am almost hoping she doesn't respond - I don't want to be someone who keeps contacting the OW years later for an explanation. I'm aware from the above list that most contact was initiated by me rather then her. Although after the A ended but before d-day she continually broke NC to try to reel my H back in.

 

The strange thing is now the urge to speak with her has all but disappeared - do I have an obsession? I don't know but it can't be nearly as bad as the obsession she apparently had with my H (I know this from reading their e-mails).

 

If she doesn't reply I think/hope I can let it be; but what if she contacts my H again. He will be cross at me because he doesn't want me to - I haven't told him yet but intend to.

 

What have I done? I feel ridiculous.

 

S

[eyeswide]

I can certainly relate to having an obsession with the OW. At this point I think I have to call it that. And it's more than that -- almost a haunting. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and there she is -- I can hear her voice, the words from her emails to my H, taunting me to feel like I'm not enough.

 

But it's my problem and I doubt that there's any kind of satisfaction that I'm ever going to get by actually having an exchange with her. I want to know the same thing you do, basically...I want her to admit that she was a destructive force in my and my children's lives, not just some hapless victim of my H. But even if she said those things, I doubt it would be enough to chase her out of my head. Lately, when I wake up to her "ghost" in my head I just do my best to speak back to it with "I'm letting you go." It quiets things down a little.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Part of it is probably out of wanting to have more information -- you can never really know what their intentions are and you don't know if you can relax and stop watching for another invasion. Contacting her is probably a bit of a recon mission to see if she's still out there. I think it's normal to want to do that when you've been so violated.

 

Maybe you should just send her another email? Tell her that you regret sending the other one -- you prefer not to hear back from her and that you hope that you can both just move on. It's honest, right?

 

And you should probably tell your husband, and don't worry too much about him being mad. I'll bet his anger is in part shame for bringing all this into your world. Maybe forward him the email basically telling him what you've shared here. Hopefully he can understand why you're struggling with this.

 

You're not ridiculous. Not at all.

[freestyle]

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer???

 

You`re not being ridiculous at all. You`re not even a year past your D-Day.

 

It`s normal and actually very common to be haunted by intrusive images (eyeswide nailed it there) for a long time afterwards.(according to what I`ve read.) In fact, I`ve read that BS`s often show symptoms of PTSD for

a long time after their D-Day.

 

Whether or not it`s a good idea to confront the OW after the fact, I truly don`t know. But I admire your courage in doing so. If it helps you, that`s great.

I guess you have to ask yourself, will it help me, or harm me? Only you know.

 

If your H is going to be cross at you for contacting her-well, too bad.He`s the one who brought the snake into your garden in the first place..............

 

Have you read the book,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? I`d like to recommend it. She provides a fairly comprehensive outline regarding the steps needed to recover from an affair.

 

Good luck to you.....................FS

[LolitaVida]

My opinion comes from someone who doesn't know what it feels like to find out that their husband is cheating so take it with a grain of salt!

 

But in my opinion, that woman doesn't owe you an explanation. Even if she came out butt naked and charmed your husband, he is the one who made a vow and promise to you. He is the one who should have said no, but in my experience (from seeing a lot of family members go through this) the men are always willing partners if not the initiators.

Try as hard as it might seem to leave this woman alone because she has been open enough to talk to you and meet with you. You don't want to push her back into your husband's hands (out of revenge or whatever specially if she has feelings for him) If you can't let this go and work on your marriage, maybe you should focus on working on your(stronger)self instead of emailing the one your husband once made the other woman.

my 2cs

[Owl]

I would agree...you need to keep in mind that not only does this woman owe you nothing, but she's probably suffering too.

 

I'm not saying you should feel sorry for her, don't take me wrong.

 

But I'm saying that there IS no such thing as "closure"...it's an over-used buzzword.

 

You've suffered, and you've got to learn to retrain your mind to stop focusing on the past, and start focusing on the present...and the future.

 

When you find yourself obsessing over the affair, or over the OW...you need to deliberately 'change the channel' in your mind. If you realize you're dwelling on the affair and what things were like then...INTENTIONALLY, DELIBERATELY make yourself focus on how good things are NOW.

 

There's no value in contacting OW.

 

You'll prolong your pain and hers...with no real benefits for either. Remove her from your contact lists, make it so that you would have to WORK at contacting her next time...so that it gives you time to stop and think before you push send.

 

It just doesn't do you any good.

[mnm]

I've had similar thoughts, and wanted to go as far as contacting her H to let him know what was going on.

 

But ask yourself, if you do this, what if it refreshes her memories and she wants to start it up again with your H? And if you tell your H what you did will it set you back?

 

If you and your H are doing well, I would leave it alone, all it does is keep it forefront in your mind and reminds you of the worst time in your life.

 

Owl is right, change the course of your thoughts, it is something I have to do daily. You've obviously come a long way, you don't want to backtrack.

 

Good Luck!

[confusedinkansas]

IMO- she owes you absolutely nothing. Her affair was with your husband - Had nothing to do with you. Affected You- YES! But it was a selfish act on both their parts.

 

By keeping close contact with her (multiple times) you are helping to keep the ENTIRE affair in the foreground of HER mind & your husbands as well. Giving THEM the opportunity to be in contact as well. (can you see that?)

Letting go of something helps to fade the memory of it (I'm not saying forgive & forget completely - but the memory does fade - IN TIME....)

 

You don't seem to want to let go of what happened.

Why? It's over - They're not in contact - I'd think you should let it go as well. What does your husband think of your actions?

[Lizzie60]

You're just proving what I always thought.. OW doesn't think much about the W.. but the W gets obsessed with the OW...

 

She owe you nothing.. and if she tries to reel your H back in.. and if he gives in.. then he's the one with no backbone.. then you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you'll be miserable with..

[Owl]

Lizzie, I'd disagree with you slightly. If you read the OW forum, you'll see that many of the OW involved in ROMANTIC affairs often do obsess with what the wife has, his relationship with her, etc...

 

In your case, since there's really no "romantic" interest on your side, you clearly have absolutely no reason to consider the difference or similarities in his relationship with his wife.

 

You have a completely different relationship than that of a "normal" OW.

[foreal]

I have recently had quite a strong urge to contact the OW again. It has been over 10 months since d-day. During that time the contact between me and her was:

 

- A brief phone call from me to her just after d-day.

- A longer e-mail exchange about a month after d-day, initiated by me.

- A "surprise" visit to her workplace, ostensibly to return gifts to her that she had given my H but really to see what she was like, have a chat etc. This was in mid April and I really intended it to be my closure.

- About 3 weeks after this (early May) she telephoned my H and I phoned her to ask why and we had an unpleasant but brief conversation.

 

Now in the past few weeks I again feel that there was no real closure and that I am owed an explanation as to why she decided it was OK to become part of my marriage. I know my H was a willing participant and I have his explanation but I have nothing much from her - the other party who decided it was Ok to try to destroy my family.

 

About 4 hours ago I sent her a very brief e-mail asking her to talk. I now feel stupid but the urge was overwhelming. Fortunately it was not the much longer, detailed and highly offensive and critical e-mail that I also wanted to send. I am almost hoping she doesn't respond - I don't want to be someone who keeps contacting the OW years later for an explanation. I'm aware from the above list that most contact was initiated by me rather then her. Although after the A ended but before d-day she continually broke NC to try to reel my H back in.

 

The strange thing is now the urge to speak with her has all but disappeared - do I have an obsession? I don't know but it can't be nearly as bad as the obsession she apparently had with my H (I know this from reading their e-mails).

 

If she doesn't reply I think/hope I can let it be; but what if she contacts my H again. He will be cross at me because he doesn't want me to - I haven't told him yet but intend to.

 

What have I done? I feel ridiculous.

 

S

 

You are not ridiculous, just hurt and looking for relief.

 

She does not owe you an explanation b/c she has none that will provide you with the relief you are seeking.

 

I would say no to contacting her again, ever. She is most likely miserable as well and so what if she is not? Why keep her in your M? Unless you want to boink her yourself, let her go.

 

This may sound lame, and the first time I tried it, it did not work, but I tried it again and this time it worked: I put a hair rubber band around my wrist and whenever I started to think of negative things regarding her, the A etc (that I'd already gone over and over and over and over) I snapped the hell outta that rubber band! I wore it 24/7 b/c like you, in the middle of the night I woke up thinking of really unpleasant things (or while taking a shower, or doing the dishes, or driving etc)...so I snapped the band and ouch! REDIRECT! It took 2 days to train my brain to NOT go there...and about 100 snaps!! I took it off when my H and I went out (it did NOT go with my outfit!) and i wish I'd left it on b/c I triggered and off to the obsession races i was....It is exhausting to keep obsessing- I put the rubber band back on and it seems just having it there keeps me from going there.

 

Leave her be... let her remain irrelevant.

 

GOOD LUCK SID!!

[Mr. Lucky]

About 4 hours ago I sent her a very brief e-mail asking her to talk.

Now in the past few weeks I again feel that there was no real closure and that I am owed an explanation as to why she decided it was OK to become part of my marriage.

Sid:

 

What could she possibly say in a response to you that would provide the closure (I agree with Owl, it's an overused term) you seek? At the two ends of the spectrum, neither "I fell in love with your H" or "I was just looking for a roll in the hay" gives you any more ability to distance yourself from what has occurred. Only time and the work both your and your WH put in can accomplish that and that's where your focus should be. Kepp us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jj33]

Sid the questions

[jj33]

Sid the questions you want to pose to OW are really questions that your H has not adequately answered. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

 

How could HE allow someone else to enter your marriage (its unlikely she hog tied him and took him kicking and screaming)

 

How could HE violate the trust you had in him.

 

All the nasty things you said in the original email are thoughts you should share with him (not necessarily in a nasty way but somehow to let him know that you still have these concerns)

 

What else do you need from HIM to help you regain faith in the bond that the two of you have and in his ability to "resist" that sort of temptation in the future.

 

There are attractive women out there all day every day. Some of them might be interested in him from time to time.

 

He needs to find a way to let you know that no matter WHO crosses his path, nothing like this will ever happen again. Or you need to figure out what you need to feel secure that he wont succumb (either to their advances or his desire to make advances towards them) ever again.

[PhoenixRise]

Sid

 

Don't beat yourself up over your slip. AND if she replies agreeing to a meeting (I don't think she will) tell her you have reconsidered and don't go.

 

I know how you are feeling. But you will never, never, never get adaquate answers to your questions from her. There is nothing she can say that will make you understand why she did what she did. I also agree with the other poster who said you have to get your answers from your H.

 

But I am wondering if what you did was more about needing to feel in control of the situation since you say that now that you have actually sent the email you no longer feel the need to talk to her.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you just need to write out your thoughts/feelings about the OW, for theraputic reasons and not actually hit send..

 

The thing is, what closure can you really get from her? She didn't respect you, or the marriage to begin with so in all honesty, why should she care now? I think contacting her is making it worse because (what if) it gives her the idea or impression that you and your H are in rough times and she wants to make a move, contact him, possibly start up the affair again. NOT that he would want to, but she could take this opportunity and run with it.

 

I hope this helps.

[GuySimple]

I agree with WWIUP.

 

The only person that matters here (besides you) is your H and your relationship with them. You really have little control over the "bunny boiler" so focus on building a positive emotional wall around you and your relationship and eventually she will go away, or you won't have to worry about confronting her, your H will do it on his own.

[SidLyon]

Thanks for the comments everyone - it's early morning here and I'm about to leave for work so I'll read them again in detail later. I have just told my H about the e-mail - he is not angry with me. I can tell he is sad for me - must admit it does make me feel pathetic but I felt that way anyway.

 

The OW has not replied and has not contacted him either. If she does contact him, he will do the same thing he did last time she contacted him which is to tell her a firm "no". I'm not sure yet what I'll do if she replies to me - but honestly I'm not expecting it.

 

I already have all the explanations from my H about why it happened and what he was thinking and why he did it so it's not that, that I'm after at all. He cannot answer any of these questions on her behalf though. But I accept what some of you say that she will probably be unable to answer anyway and although I may feel she owes me an explanation she will not necessarily feel the same way. If so, I wouldn't mind hearing it from her personally rather than 2nd hand from either my H or other posters. I accept I may not get that either.

 

The concern that she will reel my H back in isn't really that major in my mind but I admit the thought is there.

 

Thanks to those who understood why I might have done it and for understanding my own feelings of inadequacy behind me sending her the e-mail.

 

I'm still hoping to heal and recover our marriage - plenty of glitches along the way though.

 

S

[jj33]

Sid I know you are hurting but you are missing the point.

 

if you are still concerned that she may "reel" your H back in, then your issue is with HIM not her.

 

You need to know that when he leaves the house in the morning that you dont need to fear ANYONE he may meet whether its OW or some even more fabulous woman.

 

You dont need a defense against her. You need the security of knowing that he is bullet proof. That he is not interested in an A with ANYONE. And that he is committed to being faithful to you.

 

Otherwise you are going to have to hire someone to watch his every move keeping women out of his path because he is not capable of resisting.

 

I cant stress enough that this has NOTHING to do with the OW. It feels like it was, because she was the one he strayed with, but she is only a symptom of the reasons WHY he strayed.

 

He has to fix that. Talking to the OW wont fix him. If indeed she has any interest in reigniting things, a call from you only signals that there is room for her to maneuver.

[Sanafa]

Thanks for the comments everyone - it's early morning here and I'm about to leave for work so I'll read them again in detail later. I have just told my H about the e-mail - he is not angry with me. I can tell he is sad for me - must admit it does make me feel pathetic but I felt that way anyway.

 

The OW has not replied and has not contacted him either. If she does contact him, he will do the same thing he did last time she contacted him which is to tell her a firm "no". I'm not sure yet what I'll do if she replies to me - but honestly I'm not expecting it.

 

I already have all the explanations from my H about why it happened and what he was thinking and why he did it so it's not that, that I'm after at all. He cannot answer any of these questions on her behalf though. But I accept what some of you say that she will probably be unable to answer anyway and although I may feel she owes me an explanation she will not necessarily feel the same way. If so, I wouldn't mind hearing it from her personally rather than 2nd hand from either my H or other posters. I accept I may not get that either.

 

The concern that she will reel my H back in isn't really that major in my mind but I admit the thought is there.

 

Thanks to those who understood why I might have done it and for understanding my own feelings of inadequacy behind me sending her the e-mail.

 

I'm still hoping to heal and recover our marriage - plenty of glitches along the way though.

 

S

 

Not at all trying to make light of your pain.... but here's a plan

 

You pretend you are MM/MW and I can email you instead of him... and you can pretend I am your OW.....

 

A buddy system.... think it would save us a whole bunch of pain.

 

Sorry that you are struggling... no winner in an affair that is for sure.

[SidLyon]

Sid I know you are hurting but you are missing the point.

 

if you are still concerned that she may "reel" your H back in, then your issue is with HIM not her.

 

You need to know that when he leaves the house in the morning that you don't need to fear ANYONE he may meet whether its OW or some even more fabulous woman.

 

You dont need a defense against her. You need the security of knowing that he is bullet proof. That he is not interested in an A with ANYONE. And that he is committed to being faithful to you.

 

Otherwise you are going to have to hire someone to watch his every move keeping women out of his path because he is not capable of resisting.

 

I cant stress enough that this has NOTHING to do with the OW. It feels like it was, because she was the one he strayed with, but she is only a symptom of the reasons WHY he strayed.

 

He has to fix that. Talking to the OW wont fix him. If indeed she has any interest in reigniting things, a call from you only signals that there is room for her to maneuver.

 

You are of course right that certain issues are between me and my H and not a lot to do with the OW. Maybe nothing to do with her. But that doesn't change the fact that (IMO) there are plenty of things that are to do with her.

 

For instance, her motivation and what made her think it was OK to become a hidden part of my relationship with my H and for her to participate in the attempted destruction of my family. My H simply cannot address these (on her behalf) and doesn't want to speculate. What's more his explanation of her motivation is not useful to me anyway.

 

So if I want an answer then the only way I can get it is from her - plus I do hang around a bit on the OW/OM to get more general ideas about this.

 

I am now almost certain that I will get no satisfaction anyway. But at least I know now that she is unwilling to enter into any discussion with me. Because before, it was just others telling me she owed me nothing. I happen to disagree, but I acknowledge I am in no position to demand an explanation. I still feel like she has a moral obligation to explain but am not overly concerned if she doesn't explain - after all her morals are suspect anyway.

 

As she still hasn't replied I guess she isn't going to.

 

S

[SidLyon]

Not at all trying to make light of your pain.... but here's a plan

 

You pretend you are MM/MW and I can email you instead of him... and you can pretend I am your OW.....

 

A buddy system.... think it would save us a whole bunch of pain.

 

Sorry that you are struggling... no winner in an affair that is for sure.

 

Ah so I am your MM and you are my OW - Sid of course is the BW. So is this what you had in mind?

 

"My dearest dearest Sanafa,

 

I miss you so terribly since our d-day. I just can't stop thinking about you; are you thinking of me? You know you are my soulmate and I want to be with you forever. I can't bear the thought that you will get tired of waiting for me and find someone else. But nobody will love you the way I do. My children will be grown in a few short years so then I can be with you. My marriage to poor old Sid has become passionless and distant but I feel I owe it to her and the kids to stay at least for a short while. Just so everyone can see that I'm sincere. I don't want to needlessly hurt her so I hope you understand that you are my real passion and my life. The poor fool doesn't know the full extent of what we did especially that kinky sex we just loved. I know you will keep our little secret. Those 2 or 3 weeks that we continued talking after d-day were just so wonderful and showed how close we are - we are so obviously soulmates and very much in love. Sid wants to contact you but I really don't think it would be a good idea as I need to ensure that neither of you find out the full extent of the lies I've had to tell you both...

 

Yours forever

MM"

 

Sorry I can't go on it is too much of a bad novel...

[jj33]

Sid what you wrote shows that you still have significant trust issues with your H.

 

What made her think that she could become a part of your M? The fact that your H invited her in. Its that simple. There really is nothing more to it than that.

 

I sincerely doubt that she was h*llbent on destroying your family. More likely your H told her he was unhappy and so she thought that she was not harming your M but that your poor H was stuck in something that he no longer wanted but needed to be there for the children or whatever reason.

 

If you are waiting for her to say that she is very sorry and she would never have done it if she had known you may have a long wait. And besides she already spoke to you didnt she? Now you know why OW/OM often have such a great need for "closure" they were told various things by the MP and after its over they may have lots of questions.

 

Once again the blame lies with your H. He invited her in. He is the one who maintained contact after Dday he is the one who owed you fidelity not her.

 

While its true that if OM/OW didnt say yes to the advances of married people there would be no affairs, you need to be able to rely on your spouse to say no. Otherwise you cant send them out into the world without a minder.

 

It seems you feel your H made a fool of you and that he is still suspect in your eyes. Hopefully time will heal the wounds but the OW is not going to give you the sense of security you need. She is only one woman. If H isnt ready to be faithful, then OWs remorse would never be enough.

 

Some people inspire trust others dont. And sometimes once trust is broken it can not be rebuilt. I sincerely hope you are able to regain your trust in your H and that he does what he needs to do to make it safe for you to trust him again.

[SidLyon]

Sid what you wrote shows that you still have significant trust issues with your H.

 

Some trust issues yes.

 

What made her think that she could become a part of your M? The fact that your H invited her in. Its that simple. There really is nothing more to it than that.

 

Possibly but I would like to hear that from her rather than my H or you - I accept it seems unlikely I will hear it from her.

 

I sincerely doubt that she was h*llbent on destroying your family. More likely your H told her he was unhappy and so she thought that she was not harming your M but that your poor H was stuck in something that he no longer wanted but needed to be there for the children or whatever reason.

 

If you are waiting for her to say that she is very sorry and she would never have done it if she had known you may have a long wait. And besides she already spoke to you didnt she? Now you know why OW/OM often have such a great need for "closure" they were told various things by the MP and after its over they may have lots of questions.

 

 

Once again the blame lies with your H. He invited her in. He is the one who maintained contact after Dday he is the one who owed you fidelity not her.

 

Yes plenty of blame to my H but plenty for her too - you may disagree but that is what I think.

 

While its true that if OM/OW didnt say yes to the advances of married people there would be no affairs, you need to be able to rely on your spouse to say no. Otherwise you cant send them out into the world without a minder.

 

Exactly right - this is what we are working on - trust still to be restored.

 

It seems you feel your H made a fool of you and that he is still suspect in your eyes. Hopefully time will heal the wounds but the OW is not going to give you the sense of security you need. She is only one woman. If H isnt ready to be faithful, then OWs remorse would never be enough.

 

Yes I feel he fooled me and trust is not yet restored. I'm not looking for any sort of security or reassurance from the OW about this - she is the last person to provide it - I have never disliked anyone quite as much as I do her. Not sure why you think I am looking to her for anything other than an explanation which I now think I'm not going to get. I despise her even more now.

 

Some people inspire trust others dont. And sometimes once trust is broken it can not be rebuilt. I sincerely hope you are able to regain your trust in your H and that he does what he needs to do to make it safe for you to trust him again.

 

Thank you for your good wishes.

[jasminetea]

I haven't seen this mentioned SidLyon, sorry if it already has been - bear in mind that your continued attempts at contact could be pretty gratifing to the OW. She knows she's still on your mind and as a consequence she knows she will still be on your husband's.

 

Remember the best revenge is living well and you're not doing that while you allow her to figure in your thoughts. And she's really not worth them.

[Sanafa]

Ah so I am your MM and you are my OW - Sid of course is the BW. So is this what you had in mind?

 

"My dearest dearest Sanafa,

 

I miss you so terribly since our d-day. I just can't stop thinking about you; are you thinking of me? You know you are my soulmate and I want to be with you forever. I can't bear the thought that you will get tired of waiting for me and find someone else. But nobody will love you the way I do. My children will be grown in a few short years so then I can be with you. My marriage to poor old Sid has become passionless and distant but I feel I owe it to her and the kids to stay at least for a short while. Just so everyone can see that I'm sincere. I don't want to needlessly hurt her so I hope you understand that you are my real passion and my life. The poor fool doesn't know the full extent of what we did especially that kinky sex we just loved. I know you will keep our little secret. Those 2 or 3 weeks that we continued talking after d-day were just so wonderful and showed how close we are - we are so obviously soulmates and very much in love. Sid wants to contact you but I really don't think it would be a good idea as I need to ensure that neither of you find out the full extent of the lies I've had to tell you both...

 

Yours forever

MM"

 

Sorry I can't go on it is too much of a bad novel...

 

 

Syd,... you got me wrong.... sorry.!!!!

 

I meant I could be your Other Woman ( you could email me ranting/raving/questioning,etc) and I could pretend you were the MM.... doing the same... ranting and raving.

 

Sorry if I confused you.. I was trying to make light that I did the same thing ( sent a not so nice email to XMM last week)

 

Perhaps I worded it wrong.