Staying with a cheater

[m-j]

My boyfriend cheated on me almost one year ago and here I am, crying about it. When does it end? Does anyone have any tips for coping?

 

We fell hard in love, I was his third girlfriend, he was my second boyfriend. He cheated on his last girlfriend with THE SAME GIRL that he cheated on me with after dating me for four months. His relationship with the last girl was not serious. It was the biggest shock of my entire life and the biggest shock to all his friends as well. They felt my pain and shunned him for a long time.

 

I remember every detail of the next morning when he told me. He was crying (he never cries) and said he felt like dying. I was going to just walk out on him like I said I would millions of times before in a "what would you do" scenario....but i turned back. And I told him that I think we could work through it.

 

But I have cried SO much, I have been insecure and jealous and there have been times when my confidence has been shaken again because of the fear I have that he will do it again.

 

To most people I am strong, to my boyfriend I am jealous, to me I am letting myself down because I took him back. I would never advise anyone to continue a relationship after infidelity.

 

BUT people do it. How do they do it???

 

I live with him now, we are in love with each other....he tells me he is completely over it and that it is so in the past and he has moved on and wants to move on with me. I have only JUST stopped bringing it up in the last few weeks, but of course I think about it daily.

 

Can anyone tell me their stories?

[playlislay]

I have been in the EXACT same position as you I am afraid. I dont know if this will help you at all........

 

My ex had split up with his gf in july 07. We met up in Sept 07 for a drink (we go to the same uni, on the same course, but never really spoke until then) and became friendly towards each other. By the time we went back to uni, we both decided to become "study buddies" which was really just an excuse to spend time with each other. By October we were sleeping with each other and by December we were basically official-well, thats how it made it out to be. Buying xmas prezzies, meeting family members etc.

 

Do you know what? He was the most AMAZING man that I have ever met. Everything about him was special and unique. I basically idolized him, I was falling in love with him and I just knew deep down that he was my last stop on 'the love train'. I couldnt have met anyone as perfect as him and he made out that he felt the same.

 

We were never official at uni, although I was dying to shout it from the rooftops and show off the fact that I had this amazing man and nobody else did. I was soooo proud! Buuuut he didnt want to. This confused the hell out of me but he explained that he was a private person etc.

 

By March, after being together for at least 4 months, I got sick of having a secret relationship at uni. I confronted him again and he STILL wanted to keep things quiet. A few days later, I found out why......

 

He had cheated on me at least twice since December. There was I, totally in love and believed that he felt the same, when all along he didnt really feel the same as I despite telling me that he did.

 

Of course I ended it. But he did such a great job of making things up to me, very persistent, assured me that he didnt want to lose me etc. I decided to take him back. Little did I know that I was setting myself for another year of mental torture over being mislead and hurt by a man that I loved so much.

 

Just like you m-j, I couldnt handle it. Our relationship was amazing after, he treated me like a queen, adored me and loved me to death. But there was always this heartbreaking feeling that I was going to lose him to another woman. That he would quite easily do it to me again. Every month or so I would act distant, fear would plague my brain and I would feel so scared at the thought of losing someone that I loved so much, that I would feel the need to finish things with him. But I knew that this feeling would go away and that we would be back to normal within no time.

 

By Dec 08, my brain went into over-load and I finished with him. I regretted it instantly, but after all of my 'pushing-away incidents', he couldnt take it anymore and didnt want to know me. I was so scared that I had lost him for good that I ended up being a complete b**ch at the end of it all. Dumping him was a very, VERY stupid move. I lost a very special man that cant be replaced.

 

I think that you definitely need to see a counsellor, they can work wonders. It may help for you two to have a couple of months apart for YOUR sake. You need to realize what you could lose if you dont start bucking our ideas up. Otherwise he may get fed up with you getting upset and you could truly lose him for good.

 

The only way that I healed myself was by losing him. I knew that I had to overcome this putrid fear in order to continue our relationship. But I learnt the hard way, I didnt seek help and lost him completely.

 

Please, please, PLEASE learn from my mistake. Seek help. Realize what you will lose and how your behavior is affecting him-it cant be easy to have to deal with a missery guts of a gf!

 

Embrace what you have and cherish that person.

 

I hope this helped.....I wasnt trying to hijack your page, just letting you know my story and the lessons that I learnt.

 

Good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

My boyfriend cheated on me almost one year ago and here I am, crying about it. When does it end? Does anyone have any tips for coping?

 

 

it ends once the source of your pain is gone. and since he is the source of your pain....well, you get the picture.

[samsungxoxo]

Why don't you just dump him?? It would save yourself pain, headache as well as tears. Dexter is right if he's the source of this pain, unless he's out of the picture it won't go away..

Imagine if you had a nail on your shoe bothering, why would you want to go on with that nail???

[rudeaims]

Forgiving is hard...forgetting is impossible

 

You might need to find some counseling if you plan on staying in this relationship.

[m-j]

thanks everyone for your responses.

 

if a friend of mine was in my position i would tell them to dump him straight away. but when i am the one in this position it is a different story.

 

its interesting that playlislay says hold on because you may lose something great - which is every girl's fear who is in my position. maybe if i just hold on for a bit longer, things will improve. but everyone else says get rid of him now because it will not get better and you are kidding yourself.

 

i wonder what he wants? or what he thinks? we havent often talked about it in depth....or at least i suppose we havent talked about it so that i feel satisfied enough to have it not bother me anymore.

 

sometimes i think that i am being very paranoid and I have worked MYSELF into this paranoia and that i can get myself out of it.

 

it doesnt help that he is refusing to get his license and does not help out around the house. he has issues with responsibility and expectations, ever since high school. so if anyone is expecting too much of him, he will let them down straight up because he doesnt want to let them down - yknow?

 

I need to talk to him.....AGAIN.....this has happened before but i dont say the right things and i dont feel satisfied. what do i say to him?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Ah, yes. And after the second time the jerk cheated on me and I hit severe, crippling depression, this lady told me to "never, ever take back a cheater." And I totally agreed with her. And what did I do? Took him back again.

 

I understand where you're coming from, m-j. BTDT...at least to your knowledge he has not continued his crappy behavior.

 

But I'm afraid it takes time. No secret, no magic potion. Just time. And even if you eventually completely 100% FORGIVE him (meaning that you aren't angry anymore with HIM), you will never forget. There will always be the questions in your mind about this girl or that. Do I look good enough? Am I good enough? etc etc

 

I could never do it again. Having been there, I'll never go back. If somebody chooses to cheat, they make a conscious choice OUT of the relationship. I don't care what the reasons were for the infidelity. You make that decision when you decide to be around that person in private. You make that decision as you unzip your pants, pull off your underwear, and help the other person do the same. I won't ever consider cheating an "oops" that's forgivable again. There are steps that lead up to penis in vagina...they could have stopped at anytime.

 

And I won't ever let somebody make me feel "less than" with that particular jab again.

[yasmina1706]

Hi,

 

First let me say I really feel for you, this must be a terrible situation to be in.

 

You say that you hope it will get better, but how can it if you are not ready to let it go? (Which is perfectly understandable and I'd be the same). You say it has been nearly a year and you still think about it daily.

 

How much more pain do you think you can go through?

 

It IS possible to move past infidelity, but the person who was cheated on has to be able to not just forgive but forget, and many (or most) people can't do that.

 

The cheating is over and done with. Are you sure it won't happen again? If you aren't, then don't stay with this man.

 

If you are, you need to start trying to forget now, because the longer you don't, the pain you're in will continue. And if you can't do that, then the best thing for you would be to let go of this painful relationship and try to move on.

 

I hope this is resolved one way or the other and you eventually start to feel better.

[Hkizzle]

Sorry, can't support you there. There are the cheaters that are unhappy and stray because they are so unhappy.

 

Then there are the pre-mediatated cheaters that plan it well ahead, cheat, then do the crying game. Especially with this guy, he's cheated on two different girls now. He's a lifetime cheater and won't stop.

 

You either dump him now or hold on and get hurt even more.

[loveslife]

My feeling is he will do it again. He's done it twice as far as you know - and with the same girl. They obviously have some type of dynamic between them that makes this happen.

 

The thing about taking back a cheater, apart from what you're going through, is that on some level you've shown the cheater that he can do whatever he wants and you'll take him back.

 

Someone who is that deceptive (twice with the same girl!) is not to be trusted.

 

You say you would tell a friend to dump the guy. Be a friend to yourself. It'll hurt a lot but in the longrun you'll be SO much better off.

[m-j]

I understand how everyone would say that he has done it twice (with the same girl) and that he obviously cannot be trusted.

 

I would like to add that I cheated on my first (and previous to my current) boyfriend COUNTLESS times and many times with the same person. My ex took me back approx 3 times (they were the only times he knew about) and I eventually broke up with him because the guilt was overpowering me. I am still friends with the man I cheated on my boyfriend with and I know that I will never do it again. And there were other one-night-stands (yes, plural) with separate people.

 

I know in my heart, brain, soul, everything that I will never cheat on someone again. The pain I caused my first boyfriend was excruciating for me, and now i know what it is like to COP the pain as well. It is a disgusting, horrible, AVOIDABLE situation for all parties involved.

 

My current boyfriend doesn't speak to this girl (she is kind of in his friendship group but most of our friends avoid her as well).....and if he knows she is going to be somewhere he won't go.

 

I have to judge him by my own standards when I say I believe that a person can cheat and never do it again. I have cheated on a partner more times than he has.....maybe HE should be the paranoid one?

 

That really puts it in perspective for me.

 

I liked what yasmina had to say about trying to forget. you can forgive, but forgetting is the tough part. and i do believe over time my bad memories will be replaced with good ones of support, love, dedication and loyalty....but I'll always have a tiny scar and hopefully a LOAD of advice for people in my shoes.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like your guilt from being a cheater has you thinking you deserve to be cheated on. Just because you learned from being a cheater, and changed your ways, doesn't mean he will do the same. This is a chance I guess you're willing to take.

 

Good Luck with your situation.

 

I could/have never stay with a cheater. It is truly a question of self worth.

[norajane]

thanks everyone for your responses.

 

if a friend of mine was in my position i would tell them to dump him straight away. but when i am the one in this position it is a different story.

 

its interesting that playlislay says hold on because you may lose something great - which is every girl's fear who is in my position. maybe if i just hold on for a bit longer, things will improve. but everyone else says get rid of him now because it will not get better and you are kidding yourself.

 

i wonder what he wants? or what he thinks? we havent often talked about it in depth....or at least i suppose we havent talked about it so that i feel satisfied enough to have it not bother me anymore.

 

sometimes i think that i am being very paranoid and I have worked MYSELF into this paranoia and that i can get myself out of it.

 

it doesnt help that he is refusing to get his license and does not help out around the house. he has issues with responsibility and expectations, ever since high school. so if anyone is expecting too much of him, he will let them down straight up because he doesnt want to let them down - yknow?

 

I need to talk to him.....AGAIN.....this has happened before but i dont say the right things and i dont feel satisfied. what do i say to him?

 

While you are wasting your time on this pain and frustration, there are lots of other great guys you are missing out on and passing up.

[aerogurl87]

Well as someone who did cheat on their boyfriend, I'd say to move on. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn't always true in the case of the individual, but usually it's true when it comes to the person the cheater cheated on. For example, I made a mistake and cheated on my ex boyfriend when I got drunk one night. Well he forgave me after a week when I really didn't want him to. I ended up cheating on him about 3 times more with someone else. Why did I cheat? I wasn't happy with the fact that I was in a long distance relationship with a guy who would've been otherwise great but who I felt had pressured me into rushing into a relationship when 1) I didn't want to be in one and 2) I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship period.

 

Now I like someone else and wouldn't dream of cheating on him. As for my ex, well I knew I would never be able to stay faithful to him as bad as that sounds. So do yourself a favour and find someone else who can love you with all their heart. You'll be doing both yourself and him a big favour.

[D-Lish]

I think you have a right to be worried, and jealous.

He's cheated before, he'll likely do it again. Things may be all lovey-dovey right now, but how will he react when you hit a rough patch? What will he do if this girl tempts him again?

 

The bottom line is that once you've been burned, you'll never be able to forget. You can tell yourself that you forgive, but do you really? Should you?

[Javelin]

My boyfriend cheated on me almost one year ago and here I am, crying about it. When does it end? Does anyone have any tips for coping?

 

I don't think it'll ever end... That dark cloud will always hover over your head until he's gone for good.

 

Many of us here on LS can relate to exactly how you feel and it's terrible because you can't eat! It almost seems like you never have an appetite for anything and you literally have to force food down your throat. Otherwise, you won't have the energy to make it through the day. You can't think straight either and the event plays over and over in your head causing an insane amount of rage to build up that clouds ever aspect of your judgment. You can't even sleep at night, which is the absolute worse! It's horrible waking up in the middle of the night heart-broken and sick to your stomach...

 

I couldn't withstand 2 weeks of that sh*t and no amount of love would keep me around for another year.

 

Can anyone tell me their stories?

 

Briefly,

 

Back in May, my now ex-girlfriend of nearly 3-years cheated on me out of the blue. It was so scary because at one point she thought she was pregnant and she wouldn't have known who the father would be. It was like a curb stomp, because I was already semi-depressed at the time, but I never let my depression interfere with the relationship. When it happened, she told me bits n' pieces over time and we did break up... She pretty much played my vulnerability after awhile I did take her back, but she made another bad decision not a week later!

 

When I was finally able to think clearly, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself, " do you really want the person that shot you, tending to your wounds? "

 

That's when I realized it was time to leave her.

[m-j]

When I was finally able to think clearly, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself, " do you really want the person that shot you, tending to your wounds? "

 

Another **** morning. We went out with friends last night, he was fairly distant. Sat next to me and we were coupley etc but his friends were calling him (First Name) "Flirt" (Last Name). As in, flirting is his middle name.

 

Great.

 

Over the past two weeks he revealed two pieces of heart breaking information, one of which was on MY BIRTHDAY night (one week off the annual anniversary of him cheating on me). He told me that 1. he will NEVER EVER get his drivers license and we are never to speak about it again. So that means I will either a) have to drive him everywhere or b) not have him come anywhere with me.

 

2. is that he will not travel to europe with me. I mentioned this while we were celebrating my birthday at a romantic dinner together and he shot me down and said he will not be travelling to europe with me, he will be going either with his friends or alone for his first time.

 

I cant let go of those two things. And I cant let go of the fact that this morning he was distant and didnt cuddle like he usually wants to and when our housemate came home from night duty he opened the bedroom door and she greeted him "Hello Best Friend!" and he asked how work was etc etc taking time out.

 

Last night before bed I wanted him to come to bed and spend time with me but he stayed up with our other housemates watching TV, then came straight to bed and fell asleep while i silently cried.

 

My old friend from years back (who i cheated on my first boyfriend with) is interstate, and in love with me. he wants me to leave my boyfriend for him. i dont think it would work because i will be expecting him to be perfect and heal all my wounds and be the answer to all my problems, yknow?

 

Plus i love my boyfriend. Despite everything.

[hotleggs]

my boyfriend cheated on me almost one year ago and here i am, crying about it. When does it end? Does anyone have any tips for coping?

 

We fell hard in love, i was his third girlfriend, he was my second boyfriend. He cheated on his last girlfriend with the same girl that he cheated on me with after dating me for four months. His relationship with the last girl was not serious. It was the biggest shock of my entire life and the biggest shock to all his friends as well. They felt my pain and shunned him for a long time.

 

I remember every detail of the next morning when he told me. He was crying (he never cries) and said he felt like dying. I was going to just walk out on him like i said i would millions of times before in a "what would you do" scenario....but i turned back. And i told him that i think we could work through it.

 

But i have cried so much, i have been insecure and jealous and there have been times when my confidence has been shaken again because of the fear i have that he will do it again.

 

To most people i am strong, to my boyfriend i am jealous, to me i am letting myself down because i took him back. I would never advise anyone to continue a relationship after infidelity.

 

But people do it. How do they do it???

 

I live with him now, we are in love with each other....he tells me he is completely over it and that it is so in the past and he has moved on and wants to move on with me. I have only just stopped bringing it up in the last few weeks, but of course i think about it daily.

 

Can anyone tell me their stories?

 

 

 

 

once a cheater always a cheater !!

[norajane]

Why are you so reluctant to admit this guy is a loser and dump him?

[m-j]

Why are you so reluctant to admit this guy is a loser and dump him?

 

Because I believe no relationship is perfect, everyone has horrible things happen to them, the world is imperfect and I think people give up on relationships too easily.

 

I love my boyfriend and I am the kind of person that works at a relationship and makes sacrifices.

 

And I dont want to make a massive mistake and always think about him for the rest of my life when I should be moving on with someone else.

 

I dont know if there is someone better out there for me - they are all going to have SOMETHING wrong with them.

[So_Sick78]

As someone who's has been on both sides, cheating is never good. If you chose to stay, you need to talk to someone about it and deal with ALL your emotions, or it will never go away. Also you need to talk to him fully, and set boundaries and he needs to understand and support how you feel. If you can't talk to him and he can't accept your boundaries then it won't work. If you forgive him, forgive him fully. If you can't then move on.

Good luck. Personally after what I've been through I'd leave, but every situation is different. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

[norajane]

Yeah, but he's treating you like sh*t.

 

At some point, it is quite appropriate to look at how miserable you are and remind yourself that it is far, far better to be on your own than with someone that you have to cry about all the time. Being on your own helps you clear your head and leaves you open to meeting someone far better for you.

 

No relationship is perfect, but you also should not be in a relationship that is so imperfect that you wake up to "another sh*t morning" constantly. That's not imperfect; that's emotional abuse.

 

He has you so insecure and with your self-esteem so far in the toilet that you don't even see how far down you are. That's not a relationship. That's dependency.

 

He won't even learn to drive a car so you have to drive him around for the rest of his life? Geez, you'll only have to do that until the next time he decides to dump on you and cheat on you.

 

Move on, get your head together, and look back on this loser and wonder WHY you EVER thought to stay with him.

[m-j]

Yeah, but he's treating you like sh*t.

 

At some point, it is quite appropriate to look at how miserable you are and remind yourself that it is far, far better to be on your own than with someone that you have to cry about all the time. Being on your own helps you clear your head and leaves you open to meeting someone far better for you.

 

No relationship is perfect, but you also should not be in a relationship that is so imperfect that you wake up to "another sh*t morning" constantly. That's not imperfect; that's emotional abuse.

 

He has you so insecure and with your self-esteem so far in the toilet that you don't even see how far down you are. That's not a relationship. That's dependency.

 

He won't even learn to drive a car so you have to drive him around for the rest of his life? Geez, you'll only have to do that until the next time he decides to dump on you and cheat on you.

 

Move on, get your head together, and look back on this loser and wonder WHY you EVER thought to stay with him.

 

I think i might speak to a psychologist or counsellor before i make any hasty decisions.

[norajane]

I think i might speak to a psychologist or counsellor before i make any hasty decisions.

 

I hope you do speak to a counselor, as soon as possible. Perhaps a counselor can help you see and truly believe that you deserve so much better than this creep, and that you don't deserve what he's doing to you.

[m-j]

I hope you do speak to a counselor, as soon as possible. Perhaps a counselor can help you see and truly believe that you deserve so much better than this creep, and that you don't deserve what he's doing to you.

 

I had a talk to my bf last night. I had been crying a fair bit because he was late coming home and I was worried he was doing something he shouldn't be.

 

I am actually paranoid, selfish and only ever think of myself.

 

It's all well and good for me to tell everyone how upset I am and for them to say you're boyfriend is a creep, dump him, you can do better, no one should make you unhappy......but what about his side of the fence?

 

He was upset when he came home because the night before when we went over a friends place for dinner and I brought along my friend (who is male), my bf felt constantly pushed aside (I physically pushed him aside as a joke at one point which i feel like an absolute idiot for) and as if I was not his girlfriend.

 

He said just because he doesnt cry and doesnt whinge to me when he is upset, it does not mean something has affected him deeply. And he was heartbroken that I didnt even know why he was distant the night before.

 

When we came home I apologised for pushing him aside and he said its fine....but it wasnt. I let it go because I didnt want to press the matter but if i could turn back time i would have continued to apologise for my behaviour in general.

 

We fought all night until 3am with a bit of sleep in between and he would not let me touch him. Physical touch to me is the most important thing because I can feel close to him while we are sorting out our issues. He helped me with dinner and said goodnight and that he worships me and loves me and I am a selfish bitch.

 

I need to STOP thinking about myself all the time. He is wonderful. He is devoted to me. He made a mistake cheating on me and I am having trouble forgetting it, but I need to let go because it is ruining everything.

 

We are allmost getting to a point where I start so many fights and then apologise he is starting to think im not going to change.

 

He hasn't accepted my apology yet but he said that he wants me to be his girlfriend and we will see how we go.

 

I screwed up badly this time.