Difficult times post divorce.

[huggyb]

Yes, as you can see catch-22 is the name of the game. Having a lot more money would make things a lot more easier. Being stressed, depressed, etc. makes it extremely difficult to be positive and effective.

A persons 1st thought is usually the right one, I just don't that 1st gut reaction on it.

 

As for the EX, she's in violation of a few court orders. It's just that I'd been fighting in court for years & all it did was put me 10K in debt.

 

Tell me if I understand you correctly.

 

- Your wife is keeping you from having any contact with your daughter (could you remind me of her age please?). Is this contrary to any agreement or court order?

 

- You feel like you need to make a big life change (like changing jobs, career, or moving), but you are not in a good place emotionally to make this drastic change.

 

- On the other hand, you need to make this big change in order to feel better emotionally?

 

So you're caught in a catch 22: you can't "heal" until you've made a big change, but you can't make a big change until you've "healed".

 

Let me know if I have this right. This would explain to me why your posts seem to alternate between wanting suggestions for emotional coping, but then wanting suggestions for changing your circumstances financially etc.

[huggyb]

That's right, I work 40hrs, go to night school, study, promote my music, and have to cook most of my meals due to my budget. I choose sleep over support group for now, I barely keep up as it is.

 

I suck at using the quoting on LS, but just wanted to highlight these two posts of yours to show you what I'm seeing

 

A support group is a good idea but priority tells me to concentrate on my money & situation rather than spend time finding a group to lean on emotionally right now.

 

And...

[huggyb]

As I said before, I don't have a solid gut feeling on the egg before the chicken on this. That within itself adds a little anxiety.

 

I'm just returning after a year off due to lack of $$. I've studied business & starting real estate, although I must admit I am less energetic about it as I was a year ago. I'm a little tired mentally from the past few years, and unsure of my professional direction. (wholesale is my field, very stressful, I've come to hate it.)

 

As for what I can do with business & real estate knowledge is yet to be seen. Outside of that I don;t know what else to do but play guitar & try to sing. I just hate playing on street corners.

 

Thanks for ALL your replies... ....and...

....maybe if you changed your name to soheartmended, it might .... ..well... ......just a thought.

 

As for the stress/health/mental state thing, that is why I even came on the web with this.

 

And if I recall correctly from the original forum that you posted in, you were also concerned more about the emotional aspect of what you are going through.I'm not trying to judge what you are writing. It's perfectly fine to have thoughts all over the place. But it does make it hard for strangers to make suggestions I guess.

 

When I suggested a support group, you said you were more concerned about your money/job situation. But when it comes to the job thing, you seem too overwhelmed to think about making a major change - which is perfectly normal and to be expected.When will you be finishing school and will it give you a chance to make more money (sorry if I should know this from previous posts, but I read them awhile ago)?

[soheartbroken]

Ha! I'll change the name when it comes true!

 

When will you be done your program at school? Maybe you just need to ride things out until you finish school. Then when you're done you'll have some extra hours to invest in your mental health, whether it be a support group or counseling (perhaps the money from tuition could be redirected into counseling) or whatever.

 

I know "riding things out" sounds like a miserable idea; after all, you've been doing it for years now. But your schedule seems so packed, and your budget so tight, and you're having trouble making any big decisions (e.g. career move or physically moving), that maybe you could just hang on until school is done?

[huggyb]

Not on a program, just trying to get focused, get productive & take classes that will be helpful. Still unsure of a direction leaves it with a bit of anxiety over whether I'm wasting time, it's just better than not doing anything.

 

As far as redirecting funds to get counseling, I've been to 2 MFT type counselors but didn't seem to get much benefits from it. Went to one "lifecoach" type that was good but I can't afford her. (Not on my ins plan)

 

Re"riding it out" - has made me a tired, stressed, unhappy, lonely, and discouraged person. That's why I'm here.

 

Ha! I'll change the name when it comes true!

 

When will you be done your program at school? Maybe you just need to ride things out until you finish school. Then when you're done you'll have some extra hours to invest in your mental health, whether it be a support group or counseling (perhaps the money from tuition could be redirected into counseling) or whatever.

 

I know "riding things out" sounds like a miserable idea; after all, you've been doing it for years now. But your schedule seems so packed, and your budget so tight, and you're having trouble making any big decisions (e.g. career move or physically moving), that maybe you could just hang on until school is done?

[soheartbroken]

Ok. Not in a program, just taking classes that interest you or might be of benefit, correct?

 

When one of the classes finishes (they must have a beginning and an end, right?), what is stopping you from taking the time and money that you put into that class and putting it toward your mental health?

 

Perhaps this suggestion only adds to your anxiety... But that's why I'm saying don't do anything drastic, just wait until the class finishes, and then redirect the energy from the class into something different. Doesn't mean you have to stop the classes forever, just take a break from night school?

 

I only meant "riding it out" in a very short term way, as in, until your class is over. I know you've been "riding" this whole thing out for years.

 

Are there any changes that you would at least consider making?

 

From what I gather, quitting your job just isn't a viable option, you don't want to move (especially with your father being sick), a support group is not a priority, and you want to continue with your music. Oh, and I think you said hunting for a new job is tough with all that you have on your plate right now.

 

Is there something that you would be prepared to budge on?

[huggyb]

Not simply interest, taking real estate now after a few business courses I've already taken. Useful as a career option & maybe future personal home buying if I can get out of the hole.

 

I've just re-started going back to nite school, don't want to stop again. As for mental health I still don't know who to approach because the MFT I saw was nice but again I don't feel I got much benefit from it. I'm unclear on which way to go with that... psychiatrist?psychologist?counselor?,therapist? (MFT=marraige&family therapist)

 

Of course I'll stick with work & school for now.

 

Aside from selling my guitars & hanging with a bunch of divorced dudes, you can see I don't have much wiggle room in my situation, hence my distress & frustration. Also if I quit my job I have to give up the company car, a huge factor right now.

 

That's kinda where it's at, I'm former military, so I've tried to be a trooper through this battle. I put myself through too much & I'm paying for it now. All the court dates, fighting for visits,getting screwed financially, & losing my connection to my kid has made me bitter, angry, apathetic, & isolated.

 

With so many factors in my situation I know it's hard to speculate what to do, let alone give advise, but your suggestions are appreciated. I guess it's about priorities, and I have to really evaluate mine closely.

 

Ok. Not in a program, just taking classes that interest you or might be of benefit, correct?

 

When one of the classes finishes (they must have a beginning and an end, right?), what is stopping you from taking the time and money that you put into that class and putting it toward your mental health?

 

Perhaps this suggestion only adds to your anxiety... But that's why I'm saying don't do anything drastic, just wait until the class finishes, and then redirect the energy from the class into something different. Doesn't mean you have to stop the classes forever, just take a break from night school?

 

I only meant "riding it out" in a very short term way, as in, until your class is over. I know you've been "riding" this whole thing out for years.

 

Are there any changes that you would at least consider making?

 

From what I gather, quitting your job just isn't a viable option, you don't want to move (especially with your father being sick), a support group is not a priority, and you want to continue with your music. Oh, and I think you said hunting for a new job is tough with all that you have on your plate right now.

 

Is there something that you would be prepared to budge on?

[soheartbroken]

I would suggest a psychotherapist if possible (for the individual, rather than being concerned with marriage and family). Could you ask your MFT for a recommendation? Would your plan cover a psychotherapist? It might only cover a psychologist or something.

 

I think the thing about therapy is you have to find the right fit. I "interviewed" three before choosing one. I still don't know if I made the right choice...

 

Your situation is tough, and it may just come down to choosing a priority, and making a change. You don't sound like the type who embraces change though, at least not when you have to make the tough decision. I personally hate making decisions, especially major ones.

[relationship-advisor]

In a Divorce Case ,the women are the most benefitted as they are entitled to expenses from the husband.The husband is bound to provide for it even though he can barely support it.

[Gunny376]

I'm probally going to PYO?

 

But its taken me twnety years to get my life back to where it was before the "WIFE"

 

And I had to forgo any and all women in between.

 

Cost me at leat a 1/3 to 1/4 million dollars!

 

Get married again?

 

Yea!

 

Right!

[huggyb]

No one likes to makes tough decisions, but change is the only constant. I have changed over the recent years, and have to consider more changes soon. I just have to make sure they are for the better, I don't feel I can take on any major challenges after all I've been thru lately. Making a bad decision at this point in my life could break the donkeys back.

 

Until I'm in a position to seek therapy, I would try to read up on overcoming adversity but I haven't found anything that addresses a situation like mine. I get surprised at how lightweight the examples given in what I've read so far. Any suggestions?

 

I would suggest a psychotherapist if possible (for the individual, rather than being concerned with marriage and family). Could you ask your MFT for a recommendation? Would your plan cover a psychotherapist? It might only cover a psychologist or something.

 

I think the thing about therapy is you have to find the right fit. I "interviewed" three before choosing one. I still don't know if I made the right choice...

 

Your situation is tough, and it may just come down to choosing a priority, and making a change. You don't sound like the type who embraces change though, at least not when you have to make the tough decision. I personally hate making decisions, especially major ones.

[huggyb]

...without a woman?!!!!

 

..... OK we'll just leave that one alone.

 

I'm probally going to PYO?

 

But its taken me twnety years to get my life back to where it was before the "WIFE"

 

And I had to forgo any and all women in between.

 

Cost me at leat a 1/3 to 1/4 million dollars!

 

Get married again?

 

Yea!

 

Right!

[Gunny376]

Never said I didn't have a woman in all those years, I've had pleanty of them.

 

Once you get into your forties and firties there are pleanty of women that want sex! Just not a man to cook and clean after.

 

Called friends with benefits?

[soheartbroken]

Hey Huggy,

 

Don't really have any suggestions for books. I've given up on them because they hurt more than help at this point. Like you said, you can never find an example that is quite enough like your own.

 

I know what you mean about your next decision breaking the Donkey's back. Believe me, I'm there right now. But I don't think that any decision you make at this point will be a bad decision.

 

Here's my last thought. I feel that you're lacking in significant, positive, warm, human interaction. I don't mean day-to-day chatting, talking, whatever with strangers and acquaintances. I mean meaningful connection to another human being. Laughing, sharing, cheering, etc. Okay, it sounds corny, sure. But we are a social species.

 

If you make a decision, please strongly consider making one that will bring you closer to others. You may have to hide the chip on your shoulder at first. Bowling league perhaps? Don't know what you're into. Of course, you may have to wait til a class finishes to have the time.

[huggyb]

Hey Huggy,

 

"But I don't think that any decision you make at this point will be a bad decision." - *WE DISAGREE ON THAT ONE,(I KNOW... ...FROM EXPERIENCE*)

 

Here's my last thought. I feel that you're lacking in significant, positive, warm, human interaction. I don't mean day-to-day chatting, talking, whatever with strangers and acquaintances. I mean meaningful connection to another human being. Laughing, sharing, cheering, etc. Okay, it sounds corny, sure. But we are a social species.

 

.. BUT ON THIS ONE YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. I don't have much family in the area, one of my closest friends died last November, I'm too poor to date right now, and I admit I haven't been good at making new friends. Maybe the result of having the person I invested a lot of my life in, turn on me in such a vicious way. Like a war post traumatic thing or something.

 

I think that(the above), the loss of my connection to my child, my lack of professional direction/passion, and just having to live like a refugee, are the four things that torment me.

 

-If I had some money and a positive professional direction, I'd be able to have some contact with my kid, live better, and be more confident in making relationships.

 

-If I was less stressed & depressed I *MAY* be more effective in career issues & etc., it's still the egg b4 the chicken.

 

Soheartmended, thank you for your insights, I will keep them in mind & look at their merits. As you can see, I am a man that has been through a lot and is still going through more. I at least know a bit about hardship and what mistakes not to make. I invite you to ask me anything that may be helpful to your mending.

[soheartbroken]

Huggy,

 

I'm glad to be a tiny part of your journey. The only thing I ask is that you post an update once in awhile. I don't ask for advice much on LoveShack, just support and understanding.

 

I don't like telling people what to do, and to be honest I don't even like making suggestions, because I know that everyone's situation is unique.

 

But I do hope you find some meaningful connection(s) to other people on your journey. They don't even have to be best friends. Just someone to share a beer (if you drink) or burger with, and talk about the stresses of life.

 

If you continue with your thread I will continue to listen.

[huggyb]

Well, you wanted updates.

I've been on vacation for a week, some down time to recharge. Prior to that I sent the play tent to my daughter, she'd been asking for the few times I've been able to get them on the phone.*(I haven't been able to get them on the ph for weeks & weeks)

 

This morning I forced myself to get up & face another monday at the job I hate. The first thing I see is the tent boxed up & returned to me minus any letter. Fact is, she could have thrown it out and it would have never been noticed, but she was sending a message.... ... a vicious & ugly one.

 

Translation: "F%$k you M^%$therF*er, I am determined to separate you completely from this child as long as I am able"

 

Great way to start the day.

 

Between this, the prison that is my job & financial situation,....... well..

.................WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!

 

PS- I have to admit, the gesture of returning it really kicked me in the gut.

 

 

Huggy,

 

I'm glad to be a tiny part of your journey. The only thing I ask is that you post an update once in awhile. I don't ask for advice much on LoveShack, just support and understanding.

 

I don't like telling people what to do, and to be honest I don't even like making suggestions, because I know that everyone's situation is unique.

 

But I do hope you find some meaningful connection(s) to other people on your journey. They don't even have to be best friends. Just someone to share a beer (if you drink) or burger with, and talk about the stresses of life.

 

If you continue with your thread I will continue to listen.

[soheartbroken]

That is AWFUL, and heartbreaking.

 

Can I ask what your wife thinks of you to trigger this kind of reaction? What does she blame you for, what does she think you did that was so awful to take you out of your daughter's life?

[huggyb]

.... but you can already see what's she thinks, you've read the thread.

To make it simple, I filed separation to prevent her & her parents from relocating with my child to another state. Her mother & her had the insane idea that I would let them leave, follow them to a place I hate, live in an apartment there and try to get back together with her.

 

We weren't working out and they saw that I was determined to be a part of my childs life. My ex felt(& clearly stated) "we are a package deal" and could not handle the fact that I could get over her and still be a father to my child. Regardless of the court orders that state I have the right to be with my daughter.

 

I am at the point that I have to make some big decisions, keep fighting in court? let it go? become a deadbeat? ... I am deeply unsure of the best & wisest course of action. All I have figured out is that:

 

1-If I don't do something legally, 10/15/20 years from now some pretty young lady will be walking up to me asking "are you my daddy?" ....or not.

 

2-If i don't figure out a way to fix my financial situation, when my kid is 18 & I stop paying child support I will be near retirement age and will be homeless, & begging for $ on the side of the freeway.

 

3-All this stress & depression is effecting me physically, the signs are showing. (skin rashes & problems, low energy levels, insomnia)

 

4-My frustration & apathy tells me to run away for my own good... my love for my child tells me to do something,.... my anxiety tells me I have to get myself in a better place mentally & financially, or I'm going to be a lonely impoverished old man with no offspring to take care of me.

 

That is what I'm somewhat clear on, I just can't figure out what to do next. Maybe the mistake I made in choosing a mate is preventing me from taking a path, I don't know.

 

That is AWFUL, and heartbreaking.

 

Can I ask what your wife thinks of you to trigger this kind of reaction? What does she blame you for, what does she think you did that was so awful to take you out of your daughter's life?

[soheartbroken]

F&*%. I just wrote a whole reply and I got booted out. I'll try again tomorrow. It's late and I'm exhausted.

[ryepatch]

i've been following your thread but i don't have kids and so haven't really been able to think of what to say. . . you live in san fran, right? isn't there some way to get reduced or free therapy there? it seems like you need to get it together emotionally as much as possible. . . you seem so painted into a corner. glad you went on vacation, but it sounds like you need an even bigger break from your life. . . try to think outside of the box as much as possible. it's hard to give career advice. . . i don't know, but the child visitation situation doesn't seem right, i guess i would say go as far in court as you can. SF is expensive as hell. . . maybe there's some kind of halfway solution, like not living where your daughter is but somewhere closer by? could you save money by living further and commuting? taking a roommate?

 

sorry, i know this isn't much help, just wanted to take some of the load off SHB in terms of responding to you. . .

[huggyb]

i've been following your thread but i don't have kids and so haven't really been able to think of what to say. . . you live in san fran, right? isn't there some way to get reduced or free therapy there? it seems like you need to get it together emotionally as much as possible. . . you seem so painted into a corner. glad you went on vacation, but it sounds like you need an even bigger break from your life. . . try to think outside of the box as much as possible. it's hard to give career advice. . . i don't know, but the child visitation situation doesn't seem right, i guess i would say go as far in court as you can. SF is expensive as hell. . . maybe there's some kind of halfway solution, like not living where your daughter is but somewhere closer by? could you save money by living further and commuting? taking a roommate?

 

sorry, i know this isn't much help, just wanted to take some of the load off SHB in terms of responding to you. . .

 

Yes SHB is a good heart, I hope someday it changes to SHM (so heart mended)

 

You are VERY right about your observations, ("need to get it together emotionally","in a corner", "needing a bigger break") but earlier in the thread I talked about roommates & low cost counseling.

 

I don't qualify for any programs in SF because I make money, it just goes to child support. You have to be poor or unemployed to get service.

Roommates are something I've never enjoyed and would add stress to an already stressful life. My lonely apartment is sometimes my only hideaway from a tough life.

 

You are right about the other things, it's just that I can't figure out how to:

-Get my head right under all this pressure.

-Maneuver my way out of this mess.

-Take a significant time to repair myself, my health, career path, social life, my soul, and the connection to my only blood offspring in this world.

 

Sometimes I hate to write it all down because then you see how crappy it is, how tough it will be to rise above all this, and how this all has effected my mind.

 

Thank you for your concerned thoughts.

[huggyb]

F&*%. I just wrote a whole reply and I got booted out. I'll try again tomorrow. It's late and I'm exhausted.

 

It's fine, I know your reply would be thoughtful & constructive. Get some rest & come back when U feel up to it.

[ryepatch]

sorry i forgot that stuff about your thread. i know what you mean about a roommate, i can't imagine going back to living like that. is there no way to move into a cheaper place though, even if it is in the ghetto? maybe you're in a 1br. and you could move into a studio? if you could save, say, $175 a month, that could possibly pay for 2 therapy sessions a month.

 

i'm seeing two therapists, one of them put me on sliding scale down to $65 from $85, that's arizona of course but my point is some individual therapists will give you a sliding scale if you tell them you're really tight. they won't check your income, just explain your situation and try to sound broke. call around.

 

also check out pastoral counseling, sometimes that can be cheap or free. you don't have to go to church. i'll bet there's something somewhere in SF. put an ad on craigslist, maybe some half-retired counselor will take pity on you!

 

the point is, i think you should see a professional. we haven't been able to help too much, unfortunately!!!

[huggyb]

sorry i forgot that stuff about your thread. i know what you mean about a roommate, i can't imagine going back to living like that. is there no way to move into a cheaper place though, even if it is in the ghetto? maybe you're in a 1br. and you could move into a studio? if you could save, say, $175 a month, that could possibly pay for 2 therapy sessions a month.

 

i'm seeing two therapists, one of them put me on sliding scale down to $65 from $85, that's arizona of course but my point is some individual therapists will give you a sliding scale if you tell them you're really tight. they won't check your income, just explain your situation and try to sound broke. call around.

 

also check out pastoral counseling, sometimes that can be cheap or free. you don't have to go to church. i'll bet there's something somewhere in SF. put an ad on craigslist, maybe some half-retired counselor will take pity on you!

 

the point is, i think you should see a professional. we haven't been able to help too much, unfortunately!!!

 

I pay low rent for this area, a move to a studio would be more expensive oddly enough & I've got a 10-15 minute commute across town. I wouldn't trade either for the world right now. I also live in Northbeach, one of the best areas in the city, it's given me distractions when I needed it.

 

"we haven't been able to help too much" - My situation is an extreme one, I'm a fairly smart dude & I don't know what the hell to do. Although you folks may not have any solid answers to my hellish puzzle, your thoughts are appreciated.