Difficult times post divorce.

[huggyb]

Hello Loveshack people, I am posting this to get some outside feedback. I am in a difficult situation and have been for some time now. The pressure and pain from these experiences I feel have effected me, and my outlook on life.

 

I tried this out on a smaller forum but the feedback was so mixed & polorized that I didn't get a clear view of what was good advice or not. To avoid having to type all the details all over again, below is a link to that discussion.

 

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=525929#525929

 

The basic facts are:

-My ex wife shrewdly abused the court system to her advantage.

-After years of court battles, got away with moving out of state with child.

-She refuses to work so I have to pay very high child support.

-Broke, in debt, stuck in a rut job, barely enough $ to survive.

-No $ for a social life or decent home or even a car.

-Seen my child once over the past year, had to drive & sleep in a pkng lot.

 

As you can imagine there's always more to it but check the link for in depth details and what others had to say on that forum.

 

Thank you for reading, open to your input.

[Enema]

Hah ^^ I was just about to say the same thing. I'd move countries too.

 

Admittedly, I'm never making the mistake of having children so my idea of my responsibilities in that regard are skewed.

 

Doesn't sound easy to teach her a lesson without hurting the child.

[soheartbroken]

You situation is very complicated and that's why the answers are all over the place. There are legal issues, job-related issues, financial issues, and emotional issues.

 

Here is something that I don't think anyone mentioned: have you looked into joining a support group? There are support groups for divorce, and more specifically for single dads who are divorced. Through this type of group you might be able to get more info on the child support situation, a referral to a lawyer perhaps, but more importantly, you will meet new people and make contacts.

 

What about groups for musicians? You mentioned that you are lonely in a city full of people. What are your options for meeting people for free? You don't strike me as having the motivation, time, or energy to do this, but what about starting your own group?

 

Also, have you been checked for depression?

 

What is the barrier to looking for another job, aside from being stressed when you get off work and too tired to do research? What are your thoughts on going back to school and getting financial aid for school (I'm not sure how that works in your area)?

 

I think most people focus on the job situation because 1) it sounds like it makes you very unhappy 2) if you could make more money you could afford a counselor, maybe a lawyer, and you wouldn't have to sleep in your car.

 

What about moving in with a family member to save money to afford counseling etc? I know you mentioned that your family is scattered...

[huggyb]

Yes it is very complicated, even more for the things not mentioned in this or the other forum, that will only make this more complicated.

A support group is a good idea but priority tells me to concentrate on my money & situation rather than spend time finding a group to lean on emotionally right now.

 

Lawyers won't change anything, the law is the law. She can't be forced to work & she can't be forced to live in a certain state. It's federal law, I've spent over six years involved with this case, the last 4 years filing all my legal papers myself. It's the ultimate legal loophole in divorce & child custody.

 

It's not like I'm not doing things to pull up from this. I work 40 hrs a week, go to nightschool, and promote my music. I just don't have the time to play every nite in the clubs. As far as free social events, I live in SF, a very expensive place. Yet I'm locked into my job for income to pay child support, a company car to reach my elderly father (I'm the only family member within driving distance to him), and medical coverage for my child. Also my rent is low so I can't make many moves right now. In the other thread I talked about my direction & passion (or lack thereof) and not having marketable skills to change careers. I'm trying but have got so much against me right now that I fluctuate between being driven & apathy.

The first two replies were from people that either have no children or don't understand the legal risks, at least one recognized that my daughter is the one who will suffer if became a deadbeat dad.

 

Yea, I'm unhappy (you say depressed) I don't think people in my situation are supposed to be happy. I just wish I had a path out of this mess.

 

You situation is very complicated and that's why the answers are all over the place. There are legal issues, job-related issues, financial issues, and emotional issues.

 

Here is something that I don't think anyone mentioned: have you looked into joining a support group? There are support groups for divorce, and more specifically for single dads who are divorced. Through this type of group you might be able to get more info on the child support situation, a referral to a lawyer perhaps, but more importantly, you will meet new people and make contacts.

 

What about groups for musicians? You mentioned that you are lonely in a city full of people. What are your options for meeting people for free? You don't strike me as having the motivation, time, or energy to do this, but what about starting your own group?

 

Also, have you been checked for depression?

 

What is the barrier to looking for another job, aside from being stressed when you get off work and too tired to do research? What are your thoughts on going back to school and getting financial aid for school (I'm not sure how that works in your area)?

 

I think most people focus on the job situation because 1) it sounds like it makes you very unhappy 2) if you could make more money you could afford a counselor, maybe a lawyer, and you wouldn't have to sleep in your car.

 

What about moving in with a family member to save money to afford counseling etc? I know you mentioned that your family is scattered...

[phineas]

You have too many eggs in one basket.

 

If your child is important to you, quit your job, move to her state & work at mcdonalds.

 

She can't keep you from seeing your child. Period.

 

Work the system to your advantage.

honestly, what is the difference between making 30k a yr & being broke & making 15k a yr and being broke?

 

You can do your music thing anywhere there is a bar with a stage.

 

You have to decide whats more important. Your life or your childs.

[Auroracoladybug]

huggy B...I know you are broke...is there a way to save some $? Could you live with your elderly father? Say on LS for your emotional support...it has been the best thing for me ...If you get enough to get your own car so you can move and find a new job and then your CS should reflect that change in income if you file for it right? Forgive me I am new to all of this so I am learning too...you need the friends though to help you get to that place where you can make progress for you...okay so I am saying all of this blind...I will read your post and get back to you

[dgiirl]

I empathize with you for the situation you are currently in

 

I read your other thread and I think everyone has given you a lot of honest and good suggestions. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can really say that has not already been said. There really is not a detailed step-by-step plan to solve your situation. You have to basically take it one step at a time.

 

To reiterate what some have already said, and to add some of my own advice, your number one priority above _everything_ else, including your daughter, has to be your own physical, emotional and mental state. You will be absolutely useless to your daughter if you drive yourself into a grave or become hospitalized with all the stress and worries you are currently putting on yourself. It is absolutely vital that you gain a balanced life style. You need a healthy state of mind and body, and everything you do should encourage that lifestyle.

 

Although this sounds cliche, you definitely need to start thinking more positively. The stress from your own thoughts are _hindering_ and draining you from tackling your situation. If your thoughts are not productive or useful in helping your state of mind, get rid of them. It does you NO good to constantly worry about "missing out" of your child's life, or how you are going to pay child support. Re-frame those thoughts so that they have a positive affect on you, or get rid of them.

 

I also strongly encourage you to develop a social outlet of some kind, friends, family, support system. Although you've stated that other things should be a higher priority right now, I disagree. You _need_ a mental break. You need positive human interaction. By giving yourself a break from your current situation and by interacting with positive people, you will rejuvenate your spirit and mind, which will in turn lift some of the stress and allow you to think more clearly. Sometimes, when we become so intensely focused on a problem, we become blind to everything around us. When we give our brains a break, we can see new solutions to the problem.

 

Also, a social outlet will open yourself up to new opportunities. One of those opportunities might open a door to a new career or some other form of help. Do not underestimate it!

 

Life needs to be balanced. You need to have a healthy work environment along with a personal life. You need to have extra curricular activities, hobbies, friends, love life, work life, so that when one of those areas in your life goes to hell, you can draw energy from the other areas. When work is stressful, we can go home and draw comfort from our loved ones. When our love life is gone, we can draw confidence from our work life.

 

As it sounds, everything in your current life is gone to hell. You've had a horrible struggle in your personal family life, and it sounds like you've burned all of your energy into trying to keep that pieced together that you've let everything else fall down too. Now you have no energy and nothing to draw strength or confidence from. You have to rebuild everything, piece by piece. You cannot keep spending all your energy one one area of your life. That does not mean you stop looking for solutions to your family life. But it does mean you start evaluating your current situation and determine what is the most healthy thing for you to focus your energy on. Some times it will be work. Other times, it will and must be play.

[huggyb]

Quit a 40-50k job to live in a place where I don't have a job, friends, family or familiarity, so I can try to live on a fraction of what I need to make, not be able to pay support to feed my child, have to live in a slum and be more miserable than I am now?. Struggle harder than I do now and have less resources and support to rely on.

 

Is that what you suggest?

 

You have too many eggs in one basket.

 

If your child is important to you, quit your job, move to her state & work at mcdonalds.

 

She can't keep you from seeing your child. Period.

 

Work the system to your advantage.

honestly, what is the difference between making 30k a yr & being broke & making 15k a yr and being broke?

 

You can do your music thing anywhere there is a bar with a stage.

 

You have to decide whats more important. Your life or your childs.

[huggyb]

Dgiirl, Thank you for reading my other thread, your insight is clearly based from that and I appreciate it. I also agree with practically everything you wrote.

 

Fact is after a little previous counseling & a stress management class at nightschool I've thought about & acted on almost everything you said. Some of the people that replied suggested the deadbeat approach which is something I choose not to do, but I do have to "cut off my foot to save my leg" so to speak. I wish I could just go on disability for depression for about a year, (after the past 6), but that's not do-able. All I know to do is work, nightschool, promote music and hope something clicks.

 

I'm doing as much as I can to network & rejuvinate but under my circumstances there is only so much socializing I can do. As for the stress/health/mental state thing, that is why I even came on the web with this. I already have a stress related skin condition, so I know I have to make some kind of move. I just don't know what.

 

I had a train of thought the other day that summed up how I sometimes feel. Picture a fantail goldfish, they don't swim that well to start with. Then he gets his tail stuck on a rock. He tries & tries to break free but can't, so he wiggles like hell for a bit, then gasps water through his gills & sinks on his side to the gravel. Then he gets pissed off enough & tries to wiggle free again. The sequence repeats over & over.

 

Sometimes i feel like that and it makes me crazy.

 

I empathize with you for the situation you are currently in

 

I read your other thread and I think everyone has given you a lot of honest and good suggestions. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can really say that has not already been said. There really is not a detailed step-by-step plan to solve your situation. You have to basically take it one step at a time.

 

To reiterate what some have already said, and to add some of my own advice, your number one priority above _everything_ else, including your daughter, has to be your own physical, emotional and mental state. You will be absolutely useless to your daughter if you drive yourself into a grave or become hospitalized with all the stress and worries you are currently putting on yourself. It is absolutely vital that you gain a balanced life style. You need a healthy state of mind and body, and everything you do should encourage that lifestyle.

 

Although this sounds cliche, you definitely need to start thinking more positively. The stress from your own thoughts are _hindering_ and draining you from tackling your situation. If your thoughts are not productive or useful in helping your state of mind, get rid of them. It does you NO good to constantly worry about "missing out" of your child's life, or how you are going to pay child support. Re-frame those thoughts so that they have a positive affect on you, or get rid of them.

 

I also strongly encourage you to develop a social outlet of some kind, friends, family, support system. Although you've stated that other things should be a higher priority right now, I disagree. You _need_ a mental break. You need positive human interaction. By giving yourself a break from your current situation and by interacting with positive people, you will rejuvenate your spirit and mind, which will in turn lift some of the stress and allow you to think more clearly. Sometimes, when we become so intensely focused on a problem, we become blind to everything around us. When we give our brains a break, we can see new solutions to the problem.

 

Also, a social outlet will open yourself up to new opportunities. One of those opportunities might open a door to a new career or some other form of help. Do not underestimate it!

 

Life needs to be balanced. You need to have a healthy work environment along with a personal life. You need to have extra curricular activities, hobbies, friends, love life, work life, so that when one of those areas in your life goes to hell, you can draw energy from the other areas. When work is stressful, we can go home and draw comfort from our loved ones. When our love life is gone, we can draw confidence from our work life.

 

As it sounds, everything in your current life is gone to hell. You've had a horrible struggle in your personal family life, and it sounds like you've burned all of your energy into trying to keep that pieced together that you've let everything else fall down too. Now you have no energy and nothing to draw strength or confidence from. You have to rebuild everything, piece by piece. You cannot keep spending all your energy one one area of your life. That does not mean you stop looking for solutions to your family life. But it does mean you start evaluating your current situation and determine what is the most healthy thing for you to focus your energy on. Some times it will be work. Other times, it will and must be play.

[huggyb]

No more replies?.... OK, thanks you all for your input. It's clear that what Soheartbroken said "because it's a very complicated situation the answers will be all over the place".... is what happened. Maybe that is also why I pendulum between anxiety of how to make a decent life out of this, and just wanting to give up.

 

What I see is that it's almost a 50/50 ratio of 'be a deadbeat' -or- 'that's really bad situation, you may need help/support system'. That tells me to not make any decisions yet & research?, soulsearch?... pray???.

 

Again thank *ALL* responders for your honest views, and if anyone else has any more input, I open to it.

[dgiirl]

Fact is after a little previous counseling & a stress management class at nightschool I've thought about & acted on almost everything you said. Some of the people that replied suggested the deadbeat approach which is something I choose not to do, but I do have to "cut off my foot to save my leg" so to speak. I wish I could just go on disability for depression for about a year, (after the past 6), but that's not do-able.

 

I choose to look at it as being in physiotherapy. If you have a broken arm, sometimes you need to see a nurse to help you build the muscles back. You have to push the arm, this way and that way, and put up with a little discomfort in order to build up those muscles. But you have to work at it slowly. Despite your eagerness to get your arm back to 100%, you simply cannot work on it 24/7, otherwise you'll cause even more damage. You have to give it a rest too.

 

All I know to do is work, nightschool, promote music and hope something clicks.

 

Work and nightschool can also be used as your social outlet. As long as you take some time during each to just relax, appreciate the current moment and interact with some people.

 

Have you thought about tutoring/teaching music? Even if it doesnt pay much, it might help you feel better knowing you're able to help someone else?

 

I'm doing as much as I can to network & rejuvinate but under my circumstances there is only so much socializing I can do.

 

Every little bit helps. Socializing doesnt always mean spending money either. There are plenty of things you can do without spending money. My own city puts on several festivals throughout the year all for free.

 

Sometimes i feel like that and it makes me crazy.

 

Not only have you had to deal with the emotions around a divorce, but you've also had to deal with a vindictive person and a separation from your daughter. It's a lot to deal with and will take time.

 

Divorce was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I cried 24/7 for the first six months. It was a constant roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm just starting to feel better and then wham, slammed right back onto the floor with tears bursting out of me. It took me another two years after that to start to feel semi-normal. Four years later, I still have a lot of anger towards my divorce and cannot say I've completely healed. However, with a lot of work and a lot of time, things have become a lot better. Thankfully, I never had kids, and was lucky enough to walk away with little damage. Moving over 500 kms away has helped too!

[huggyb]

Thank you Dgirl for your considerate words.

As far as fractures vs amputation, that is one of the things I left out of it all is that my income/chld spt/rent/expenses math out to be in the minus. Meaning I have to change my situation or I'll keep falling further & further in debt. Having my own apartment to hide away at times is my only peace, roomates would have drove me crazy by now. Even though, I actually might have to look at that and reconsider my living arrangements. Like a coyote in a trap, I know sad but may be a reality.

 

Teaching is cool & I have a couple of students, but I would rather spend that time composing, recording, etc. Something that has potential to make significant $.

 

Festivals, I'm all over them but the bottom line is, U meet someone, after the festival you have to date. No $ no date, it doesn't matter how many I meet.

 

Dgirl, Ur alright for taking the time to analyze. I feel bad when people present ideas & I have already thought or tried it & it didn't work. Don't want to seem like a crybaby or self defeating but I admit to U & the whole web that I've got a lot of obstacles to deal with.

 

Sometimes I think I'm looking for a way to be extra strong mentally because of the extreme difficulties I deal with. Emotional kung fu so to speak. You'd think after what I went through I'd already have it. I do, to some extent. Just not enough to rise above.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You might just need another job. two jobs is possible for you to have a decent income. and look into a better family lawyer and or whatnot to reduce your child support payments. Why isnt custody 50/50? who made those rules.

 

The minute your quit fighting you die...

[Gunny376]

Its all relative my friend.

 

For example? $40,000 in SF is barely enough to make it, but the same amount in Alabama goes a long, long, long way.

 

You didn't mention what state the DD and X are in, (Obviously not CA), but that being the case?

 

Then you need to re-address the child support issue in the state in which the DD and X currently live in?

 

Granted that state my uphold CA, but your argument would be that the cost of living in the state that they X and DD currently live in isn't the same as CA.

 

In Alabama the medium family household income is somewhere around $35,000 ~ compared to an individual living in SF, CA earning that amount would be on the cusp of being homeless.

 

Your concentrating too much on finding a better job ~ while you should be concentrating more at the moment of minimizing expenses, eradicating debt and ,maximizing income.

 

If you cannot maximize income, any and all debt is the equivalent of getting a second job?

 

With that thought in mind you might want to check out a book titled "Debtproof Living" by Mary Hunt, (which you will most likely find in any library in CA) and her website of the same name. (A paid website ~ $2 a month for the monthly newsletter and full access to the website)

 

Chalked full of ideas as to how to squeeze a penny.

 

Shop around for legal help. There are plenty of lawyers that are dad's that got screwed over by the legal system to believe it or not.

[huggyb]

Thanks for the reply & input.

I've worked 2 jobs (off & on) for the past couple of years, economy is still tough, 2nd jobs hard to get & keeping my main job is priority. Moonlighting is a temp fix but will only wear you down over the long run.

Again, lawyers won't change a thing on the child support.

 

You might just need another job. two jobs is possible for you to have a decent income. and look into a better family lawyer and or whatnot to reduce your child support payments. Why isnt custody 50/50? who made those rules.

 

The minute your quit fighting you die...

[huggyb]

Thanks Gunny for Ur honest input.

Ur right about the SF vs Alabama $ thing, DEAD ON! But this is & might always be home for me. Getting re-evaluted in the other state is too risky a proposition. Their laws might be worse than here & I've already been thru the mill with the court system. I'm not very eager to re-engage a potentially losing battle.

 

As for the 2nd job -vs- better job, thats where you are DEAD WRONG! I've worked like that off & on over the past couple years & it only wears you down. Just think of the math. Work 12 hrs at med or low wages, or work 8 hrs at higher pay..... you don't have to be a leatherneck to figure that one out sarge.

 

Lastly, the trim expenses thing I'm all over it. I've been in this situation for years, I know every sale & budget price item in the supermkt. Good thing I like cornbread.

 

I know you all are trying to help with suggestions, thanks.

 

Its all relative my friend.

 

For example? $40,000 in SF is barely enough to make it, but the same amount in Alabama goes a long, long, long way.

 

You didn't mention what state the DD and X are in, (Obviously not CA), but that being the case?

 

Then you need to re-address the child support issue in the state in which the DD and X currently live in?

 

Granted that state my uphold CA, but your argument would be that the cost of living in the state that they X and DD currently live in isn't the same as CA.

 

In Alabama the medium family household income is somewhere around $35,000 ~ compared to an individual living in SF, CA earning that amount would be on the cusp of being homeless.

 

Your concentrating too much on finding a better job ~ while you should be concentrating more at the moment of minimizing expenses, eradicating debt and ,maximizing income.

 

If you cannot maximize income, any and all debt is the equivalent of getting a second job?

 

With that thought in mind you might want to check out a book titled "Debtproof Living" by Mary Hunt, (which you will most likely find in any library in CA) and her website of the same name. (A paid website ~ $2 a month for the monthly newsletter and full access to the website)

 

Chalked full of ideas as to how to squeeze a penny.

 

Shop around for legal help. There are plenty of lawyers that are dad's that got screwed over by the legal system to believe it or not.

[dgiirl]

No $ no date, it doesn't matter how many I meet.

 

That's not necessarily true If you meet the right girl, she wont care too much about your current income situation. It's not like you are blowing your money away frivolously. You are taking care of your responsibilities. Some women, like me, respect and appreciate that more than which dance club you can take her on a Saturday night. Besides, I'm only suggesting getting out with friends, taking your mind off your troubles for a little time each week. Something for you to look forward too. Something to lift your spirits so your daughter can have a healthy father.

[Gunny376]

Thanks Gunny for Ur honest input.

Ur right about the SF vs Alabama $ thing, DEAD ON! But this is & might always be home for me. Getting re-evaluated in the other state is too risky a proposition. Their laws might be worse than here & I've already been thru the mill with the court system. I'm not very eager to re-engage a potentially losing battle.

 

As for the 2nd job -vs- better job, thats where you are DEAD WRONG! I've worked like that off & on over the past couple years & it only wears you down. Just think of the math. Work 12 hrs at med or low wages, or work 8 hrs at higher pay..... you don't have to be a leatherneck to figure that one out sarge.

 

Lastly, the trim expenses thing I'm all over it. I've been in this situation for years, I know every sale & budget price item in the supermarket. Good thing I like cornbread.

 

I know you all are trying to help with suggestions, thanks.

 

You misunderstood me. I was speaking of maximizing income, minimizing expenses which would be the equivalent of getting a second full time job.

 

I got all over this after reading "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover'

 

Both are good books, but I like Mary's approach best.

 

Like you Mary lives with her husband and children in CA.

 

They found themselves with a mortgage, two car (f)leases, and over $100,000 in credit card debt.

 

She's not a financial planner, stock broker just your typical Southern California housewife.

 

She was determined to get out of debt, to pay back what they owed and get their lives back on track.

 

That's what her website and newsletter "Debtproof Living" is all about. The forums are chalked full of ideas as to how to stretch a penny when it comes to cooking, grocery shopping, transportation, problems with taxes, debt, shopping.

 

DebtProof Living is to personal finances what Love Shack is to interpersonal relationship.

 

It has a bunch of formulas and tips for substituting things or making your own your own cleaning solutions (and lots of other ideas) such as using rubbing alcohol to clean stainless steel instead of buying stainless steel cleaner at $5 a can. Or using dryer sheets to dust with. (It not only does an excellent job of dusting ~ because of its "static cling" properties actually repeals dust from collecting.

 

She's got a book out at to how to spend two days in the kitchen cooking to prepare a months' worth of entrees' for the family.

 

And your right changing your venue from one state to another would be a gamble. And right now in these uncertain economic times really isn't the time to change jobs.

 

Even if you found a dream job in another state paying more money? What's to say they wouldn't lay you off six months down the road? Its happens all the time.

 

There isn't any short term solution to your problem. But you must concentrate on the short term, the intermediate, and long term.

 

You must concentrate somewhat on the short term to survive the moment, but you must then set some goals and objectives for the intermittent and long term as well.

 

You didn't say how old your child was? Do you get to speak with them on a daily basis. If not I would encourage you do to do whatever you have to or can to stay in touch and part of their lives.

 

Google "Long Distance Parenting and drop by the local library. Don't be afraid to ask the librarian for some suggestions.

 

The answers your seeking are ones that you are going to have to come up with.

 

Your going to have to get creative, innovative.

[Gunny376]

That's not necessarily true If you meet the right girl, she wont care too much about your current income situation. It's not like you are blowing your money away frivolously. You are taking care of your responsibilities. Some women, like me, respect and appreciate that more than which dance club you can take her on a Saturday night. Besides, I'm only suggesting getting out with friends, taking your mind off your troubles for a little time each week. Something for you to look forward too. Something to lift your spirits so your daughter can have a healthy father.

 

I was with my last LTR GF for six and half years ~ we broke up mainly because of geographical / family obligations. Other than that? We had a outstanding relationship.

 

She was a college educated professional, and wanted me to move in with her. I told her that after taxes, child support, a car payment I didn't have much money to go toward household expenses and such. That the only way I was making it was because I was living in the SNCO barracks, eating in the mess hall.

 

She told me, "That's alright! I'll take out your share of the rent and such in 'trade' :love: :love:

 

And she did to!

 

Come to think of it? I might have over paid her?

[soheartbroken]

Hey Huggyb, just checking in to see how you're doing. Any new developments?

 

Keep posting when you feel up to it. Even if you're not getting workable suggestions/advice, it may help just to be getting your thoughts down.

[huggyb]

Hey Huggyb, just checking in to see how you're doing. Any new developments?

 

Keep posting when you feel up to it. Even if you're not getting workable suggestions/advice, it may help just to be getting your thoughts down.

 

Thanks for asking, took the weekend off the web to do some contemplation about all I've read in this forum, and the rest of my world that's not on this thread. (work,school,etc)

 

The only developments are that I haven't been able to reach my kid for weeks, (they never pick up the phone) 2 weeks ago I sent her the play castle(*toy tent) we used to play in when she was here in SF. (she had asked me to send it) I put a letter with a self addressed stamped envelope, telling my daughter to write or draw something on it & send it back to me.

I never got anything in the mail. I've been calling but just voicemail picks up, except today. I heard my ex wife say hello, I said hello, then nothing.

Called back and got voicemail.

 

Fact is... ...I'm not even in a position to move near my child, nor do I desire to live there..... ...and may never do so.

But unless I do, my connection to my child is severed. The math is there, I see things at least that clearly, I just don't like what I see.

 

I'm very tired and very unhappy.

Yet I thank you for your concern.

[huggyb]

Brother I know you mean well but I stated before, my living costs are shaved thin as a micron. I already take steel wool from the big roll near my toolbox & squirt dishsoap into it to make instant SOS pads. NO AMOUNT OF BUDGETING IS GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

 

I am running at a loss, period. I *MUST* take a different course of action concerning my living situation, expenses and income. Which leads me to the REAL reason I even came online with this whole thing. I'm stressed after all the bull$#it, the changes I've gotta make is more stress, living situation changes are huge.

 

To pull it off and put it in a better way, I've got to be strong mentally & emotionally, and I'm pretty beat up after almost 7 years of hell. Read my reply to Soheartbroken right before this to see what I STILL have to deal with.

 

That's the egg before the chicken for me. I need to put my head in a better frame of mind but cannot do that under my circumstances. It may be true what you said about finding the answers myself, I just can't find them right now.

 

Thanks for your constructive suggestions, just frustrated.

 

You misunderstood me. I was speaking of maximizing income, minimizing expenses which would be the equivalent of getting a second full time job.

 

I got all over this after reading "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover'

 

Both are good books, but I like Mary's approach best.

 

Like you Mary lives with her husband and children in CA.

 

They found themselves with a mortgage, two car (f)leases, and over $100,000 in credit card debt.

 

She's not a financial planner, stock broker just your typical Southern California housewife.

 

She was determined to get out of debt, to pay back what they owed and get their lives back on track.

 

That's what her website and newsletter "Debtproof Living" is all about. The forums are chalked full of ideas as to how to stretch a penny when it comes to cooking, grocery shopping, transportation, problems with taxes, debt, shopping.

 

DebtProof Living is to personal finances what Love Shack is to interpersonal relationship.

 

It has a bunch of formulas and tips for substituting things or making your own your own cleaning solutions (and lots of other ideas) such as using rubbing alcohol to clean stainless steel instead of buying stainless steel cleaner at $5 a can. Or using dryer sheets to dust with. (It not only does an excellent job of dusting ~ because of its "static cling" properties actually repeals dust from collecting.

 

She's got a book out at to how to spend two days in the kitchen cooking to prepare a months' worth of entrees' for the family.

 

And your right changing your venue from one state to another would be a gamble. And right now in these uncertain economic times really isn't the time to change jobs.

 

Even if you found a dream job in another state paying more money? What's to say they wouldn't lay you off six months down the road? Its happens all the time.

 

There isn't any short term solution to your problem. But you must concentrate on the short term, the intermediate, and long term.

 

You must concentrate somewhat on the short term to survive the moment, but you must then set some goals and objectives for the intermittent and long term as well.

 

You didn't say how old your child was? Do you get to speak with them on a daily basis. If not I would encourage you do to do whatever you have to or can to stay in touch and part of their lives.

 

Google "Long Distance Parenting and drop by the local library. Don't be afraid to ask the librarian for some suggestions.

 

The answers your seeking are ones that you are going to have to come up with.

 

Your going to have to get creative, innovative.

[soheartbroken]

Tell me if I understand you correctly.

 

- Your wife is keeping you from having any contact with your daughter (could you remind me of her age please?). Is this contrary to any agreement or court order?

 

- You feel like you need to make a big life change (like changing jobs, career, or moving), but you are not in a good place emotionally to make this drastic change.

 

- On the other hand, you need to make this big change in order to feel better emotionally?

 

So you're caught in a catch 22: you can't "heal" until you've made a big change, but you can't make a big change until you've "healed".

 

Let me know if I have this right. This would explain to me why your posts seem to alternate between wanting suggestions for emotional coping, but then wanting suggestions for changing your circumstances financially etc.

[soheartbroken]

I suck at using the quoting on LS, but just wanted to highlight these two posts of yours to show you what I'm seeing

 

A support group is a good idea but priority tells me to concentrate on my money & situation rather than spend time finding a group to lean on emotionally right now.

 

And...

[soheartbroken]

As for the stress/health/mental state thing, that is why I even came on the web with this.

 

And if I recall correctly from the original forum that you posted in, you were also concerned more about the emotional aspect of what you are going through.I'm not trying to judge what you are writing. It's perfectly fine to have thoughts all over the place. But it does make it hard for strangers to make suggestions I guess.

 

When I suggested a support group, you said you were more concerned about your money/job situation. But when it comes to the job thing, you seem too overwhelmed to think about making a major change - which is perfectly normal and to be expected.When will you be finishing school and will it give you a chance to make more money (sorry if I should know this from previous posts, but I read them awhile ago)?