Never thought I would be posting to a site like this

[eddie_d_2000]

Here we go Eddie, I'm gonna give you some tough love;

 

You're wife is still in the fog, still excited about the SIN she's envolved in, and yes it is an addiction and she's still addicted.

 

You have to get tough with her, set boundries, give ultimatums, and there is no compromise on your part. She either complies, or she's out the door, no if's, and's, or but's. If you do not get tough with her, or she will continue to walk all over you and YES THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. You cannot just hope she "gets with the program".

 

First, this is not your fault. Tell her that in no certain terms. SHE was the one who traveled to have sex with the OM. SHE is the one who entered into improper online relationships. You had no say in this, there is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR IT. She needs to realize this in order to start healing your marriage. As long as she justifies what she did, you're facing an uphill battle.

 

OK, what now. I think you already answered this question, but do you wish to remain married to her, and do you want to repair what she's destroyed?

 

If you do, the first thing you need to do is sit her down, give her an ultimatum, and then set boundries. These are not negotiable. She either complies, or your filing for divorce. You need to make this crystal clear to her. Also let her know that you do not trust her, that she will have to rebuild this trust. Complying with the boundries you set, will help rebuild trust. But, let her know it will take time.

 

1. She sends the OM and any other's she's been having inappropriate contact with a No contact letter or e-mail. The content of this is simple; our relationship is over, never contact me again. You need to watch her compose it, and watch her send it. Do not trust she'll comply and do it on her own, look what happened the last time you blindly trusted her. Right now YOU HAVE NO TRUST.

2. She cancels her FB account and her days of playing on-line games are over. This is probably where you'll get the most resistance. You need to insist and remain concrete on this. She's addicted to certain aspects of on line access, and you need to bread this addiction. My dad used to tell me, "the easiest way to kill a snake, is to cut off it's head". You need to cut off the head of her addiction.

3. She and you attend MC, and she attends IC. She needs to get to the root causes on why she did this, and what she needs to address to insure it doesn't happen again. The two of you need MC to address the needs of your marriage, and what it will take to heal what she's shattered.

4. She gives you access to all e-mail accounts, complete computer access, and complete access to her cell phone. Let her know you are not spying, but you are doing this to hold her accountable.

 

Now with these, it's all or nothing. There is no compromise. She either complies, or you're filing for divorce and she moves out. BE PREPARED TO BACK THIS UP. This is no longer about her or what she wants or feels, this is about you and your kids. You and your children do not need to remain exposed to a lying, cheating, whore. (told you I was going to be blunt)

 

Now, even is she agrees with all this, you need to remain in investigative mode. Do not hope and trust she complies. Trust, but verify. Here's what you need to do:

A. Install a keylogger on all computers she has access to

B. Get detail cell phone records to check all calls and texts

C. Contact an attorney to find out what your rights are in divorce proceedings.

 

Yes this is alot, but you have to remain vigilent. Your wife is still foggy with the addcition to her sin. It will take a 2X4 of reality upside her head to bring her out of it.

 

Best of Luck and prayers.

 

 

I have looked at several keyloggers, but they are all detected as a virus, do you have any you recommend that won't be detected?

[seibert253]

Eddie I've been through this, and I had to insist on everything I earlier wrote about. One thing I forgot to mention, is when I gave my wife the ultimatum, I gave her a week to decide what she wanted because she was "confused" and "in love" with the OM. In order to snap her out of her fog, I had D papers drawn, and left it where she could find it. She found these on day 6, broke down, and decided to remain married. The rest is history. She complied with EVERYTHING. Yes I investigated and watched her every move. She never slipped and walked the straight line.

So yes your marriage can be saved, but only by getting tough and drawing your line in the sand.

I tried to "love her back into the marriage" crap and it was just that, crap. I "trusted" her to end contact with the OM, and lo and behold she did not. She just went underground.

She was all lovey dovy. I thought we were moving forward, sex was great, physically closer than ever, yet all along she was still contacting the OM. So, don't be fooled that she's coming around. She may be, but it also may be a ploy to lure you into thinking everything's OK, when it's not.

[seibert253]

CIK, again, you're not tracking.

 

You're right...the DEMANDS don't work...unless the consequences of not changing are greater than the pleasure of continuing the addiction.

 

But if there is no consequence...she's got no reason to WANT to change or end the behavior.

 

If he just ASKS her to do so...the pleasure of her addiction is going to remain greater than the discomfort created by his unhappiness.

 

She won't change.

 

If he INSISTS on a change, and implements boundaries and consequences around that...the discomfort of remaining in the addictive behavior becomes more than the pleasure derived from the behavior.

 

YOU may have ended your affair without that...which would tell me that your addiction was much less than normal.

 

I'd also add that you're not factoing the addiction of online gaming...WHICH IS HUGE!!!!!!!!

 

He HAS to push for changes...or she simply won't change on her own.

 

You're thinking she's got the strength, the willpower, the desiire to create a change.

 

You're wrong.

 

That is nearly NEVER the case in the first stages after ending an affair, especially when you factor in additional addictive behaviors like this.

 

I'm sorry, but like I've said, you just don't "get it" here.

 

You seem to believe that most people have the ability to overcome addictions without outside assistance...not the case.

 

The Owl proves his wisness once again. Eddie, if you don't listen to me or anyone else, listen to Owl. HE KNOWS WHAT THE F#CK HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

[eddie_d_2000]

Eddie I've been through this, and I had to insist on everything I earlier wrote about. One thing I forgot to mention, is when I gave my wife the ultimatum, I gave her a week to decide what she wanted because she was "confused" and "in love" with the OM. In order to snap her out of her fog, I had D papers drawn, and left it where she could find it. She found these on day 6, broke down, and decided to remain married. The rest is history. She complied with EVERYTHING. Yes I investigated and watched her every move. She never slipped and walked the straight line.

So yes your marriage can be saved, but only by getting tough and drawing your line in the sand.

I tried to "love her back into the marriage" crap and it was just that, crap. I "trusted" her to end contact with the OM, and lo and behold she did not. She just went underground.

She was all lovey dovy. I thought we were moving forward, sex was great, physically closer than ever, yet all along she was still contacting the OM. So, don't be fooled that she's coming around. She may be, but it also may be a ploy to lure you into thinking everything's OK, when it's not.

 

Ok, I see you situation now, I don't think my wife will be confused, she said she is willing to do whatever it takes and I told her we may have to go to counseling to help me and our marriage and she said she is fine with that. I think she is in love with me, we just drifted apart.

[eddie_d_2000]

The Owl proves his wisness once again. Eddie, if you don't listen to me or anyone else, listen to Owl. HE KNOWS WHAT THE F#CK HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

 

Agreed, I fully understand how addictive online gaming is, I am a former world of warcraft player myself, I am amazed my wife had the strength to bear with me during that year and a half.

[Owl]

I have looked at several keyloggers, but they are all detected as a virus, do you have any you recommend that won't be detected?

 

You can typically go into your AV software and tell it to ignore the keylogger.

[eddie_d_2000]

You can typically go into your AV software and tell it to ignore the keylogger.

 

Ok, thanks, you recommend any free ones out there?

[seibert253]

Ok, I see you situation now, I don't think my wife will be confused, she said she is willing to do whatever it takes and I told her we may have to go to counseling to help me and our marriage and she said she is fine with that. I think she is in love with me, we just drifted apart.

 

There is no "may" there only is "you WILL".

This sounds great, but what about fixing herself? Yes she needs to work to fix the marriage, and you, but it will mean nothing if she doesn't fix herself.

 

I can't emphasize enough that she needs to fix herself, otherwise you will find yourself travelling down this road again.

[eddie_d_2000]

There is no "may" there only is "you WILL".

This sounds great, but what about fixing herself? Yes she needs to work to fix the marriage, and you, but it will mean nothing if she doesn't fix herself.

 

I can't emphasize enough that she needs to fix herself, otherwise you will find yourself travelling down this road again.

 

I agree, I have already contacted a counseling center.

[seibert253]

I agree, I have already contacted a counseling center.

 

Bravo Eddie.

 

Way to grab the bull by the horns. Now, hold on tight, because the ride is going to get rough. Many describe this as a rollercoaster ride, and it is.

 

Eddie, other than you and your wife, who knows about what happened? The reason why I ask, is because one of the greatest weapons against an affair is exposure. I didn't want to, but had to resort to telling my wife's family and friends what she did. Their pressure upon her was instramental in bring her out of the fog.

 

By reading your story, doesn't sound like you need exposure right now. Sounds like hopfully your wife is remorsful, and is receptive to doing what she needs to do to fix this. But, keep the tool of exposure in mind in case you run into a roadblock.

[eddie_d_2000]

Bravo Eddie.

 

Way to grab the bull by the horns. Now, hold on tight, because the ride is going to get rough. Many describe this as a rollercoaster ride, and it is.

 

Eddie, other than you and your wife, who knows about what happened? The reason why I ask, is because one of the greatest weapons against an affair is exposure. I didn't want to, but had to resort to telling my wife's family and friends what she did. Their pressure upon her was instramental in bring her out of the fog.

 

By reading your story, doesn't sound like you need exposure right now. Sounds like hopfully your wife is remorsful, and is receptive to doing what she needs to do to fix this. But, keep the tool of exposure in mind in case you run into a roadblock.

 

Thanks for that piece of advice, her Dad is a great person to confide in for something like this, a very level-headed guy and I get along with him very well. It will break my wife's heart if I told him, so I will have to use that as a last resort. Nobody knows about this except you guys on this site and that is really anonymous, nobody really knows who I am on here.

[65tr6]

She did tell me last night that she wasn't looking for the affair, it just happened, .

 

My wife said that about 11 months ago. Eddie, I am sorry what you are going through.

 

It looks like you have decided to fight for you marriage. Here is what you need to do...(you got good advise from owl, siebert et al). But first...

 

Here are the rules...(Welcome to post A phase of your life)

 

1) Have her end the A immediately

2) Have your wife send a NC note to the OM

3) Install keylogger (i believe family keylogger version 2.7 great one) on her computers. Test it first !! It is virtually untraceable. Keylogger is not meant to be a lockdown. It is more a verification of what she does. Your wife indulged in a very immature behavior by going outside the marriage to have her needs met. In the process, she put your health at risk. You are doing this not to lock her down but for your own protection. She needs to come to her "senses". You need to keep a close tab on her movements until you deem it is no longer necessary. Trust me on this one, you will know when to stop monitoring.

4) Change your behavior - Read up on Plan A on marriagebuilders.com. You must go on Plan A immediately. No love busting behavior. Find out her needs and start meeting them

5) Have her answer ALL the questions you have about the A. This is VERY important. Do this asap. This will also encourage open and honest communication that is a must for a relationship to survive.

6) Work on yourself. The more time you can spend on activities such as reading books, finding a new hobby, the more you can take the focus off from the pain resulting from the A.

 

I am NOT a big fan of IC or MC until I see remorse from the spouse or if there is an emergency. The IC or MC can actually backfire in the initial stages. Don't do it UNLESS the Cs are pro-marriage and have plenty of experience in dealing with infidelity.

 

And yes your wife checked out the marriage. Woman, rarely, make that very rarely committ adultery if their (emotional) needs are met at home.

 

You need to take charge my friend. It can be done. It is lot of work. Are you up for the challenge ?

[65tr6]

It will break my wife's heart if I told him, so I will have to use that as a last resort. Nobody knows about this except you guys on this site and that is really anonymous, nobody really knows who I am on here.

 

You sound just like me when I came here late last year.

 

Don't share it with anyone near and dear yet. Post here. You are in a state of shock. You and your wife need to get through the painful transition alone. Leave others out for now. Given that your wife is willing to work with you on the marriage and will follow the boundaries set forward by you.

 

Yes, use it a last resort if and when you find out that there is contact again. Well, then you expose to everyone.

 

Remember you are looking for total remorse from your wife - in the next several days/weeks, if you have not seen already.

[eddie_d_2000]

She has answered all the questions that I have asked about the A, she has been very forthcoming about it and told me anything I needed to know about it. She even told me that the guys wife had contacted her and had a discussion with her telling her she wasn't mad at her but just didn't want to lose him. I don't know if I believe that or not, it was just something she said.

[65tr6]

She even told me that the guys wife had contacted her and had a discussion with her telling her she wasn't mad at her but just didn't want to lose him.

 

ok, I have not read your whole thread, did you contact OM's wife yourself ? If no, call her today ! Don't take your wife's word. Remember, you do the heavy lifting for now. You call her and you talk to her.

[eddie_d_2000]

ok, I have not read your whole thread, did you contact OM's wife yourself ? If no, call her today ! Don't take your wife's word. Remember, you do the heavy lifting for now. You call her and you talk to her.

 

I have no idea as to how to get in touch with her, I only have a name and an email address. I think the only way I could do it is to get her phone records and go from there. I probably made a mistake by contacting this guy, I sent him a message yesterday asking him if everything that she is telling me is true, I doubt he will say anything to me or he will respond and just tell me lies.

 

I think I will tell her that I am going to get the phone records and see if she will come clean about everything. I don't think she expected me to call them or anything, but I need to find out if his wife really knows about this. I called her out once for something like this by asking for a picture of her trip to los angeles and she had to come clean on that.

[65tr6]

but I need to find out if his wife really knows about this.

 

EXACTLY. Remember your wife is the last person you want to trust at this point of time (hopefully it will all change as you both attempt to recover). She needs to earn that trust back.

 

There has to be a way to get her information. Google the OM's name. Find their address/phone number. Use whitepages.com or intellius.com. There are plenty of websites out there. Find out where she works and call her at her work. OM's wife's is your alley. You need all the help you can get to defog your wife. The sooner you do it the better.

 

You are correct. You should not have contacted the OM. Well, atleast he knows you know. That is a good thing.

[65tr6]

I was initially blamed for pushing her into this emotional affair, an affair that was about 2 weeks and 1200 miles from being a physical one, .

 

alzup, i don't want to hijack eddie's thread, sounds very similar to what eddie is going through and what i went through last year.

 

I looked but didnt see your story. Care to start to new thread ?

[alzup]

alzup, i don't want to hijack eddie's thread, sounds very similar to what eddie is going through and what i went through last year.

 

I looked but didnt see your story. Care to start to new thread ?

 

 

Yep, it's eerily similar to eddies situation... right down to how we're feeling.

I'm in and out today... I should have some time tonight. I'll see what I can do.

 

I handled things differently from the get go... but it's pretty darn close to what eddie's going though.

[eddie_d_2000]

If I find out she is lying about the weekend and I found out she is still contacting him, I am sorry to say it, but I think it will have to end there.

[eddie_d_2000]

Well guys, all the previous posters are right, I was able to log into her account and I have seen that she has been sending a flurry of texts to a guy that is just 20 miles from my house and the guy from CA is still calling. I am afraid this is going to have to end.

[65tr6]

I am afraid this is going to have to end.

 

eddie....listen. Confront her tonight. DO NOT DO NOT reveal your sources.

 

Be patient for the next one or two days and see what she DOES.

 

If things don't improve.....

 

EXPOSE. Everyone within the hour. But hold tight for now. Gather all the information you need to expose this.

 

Have you been able to contact OM's wife yet ?

 

But don't expose yet. Not just yet. Confront her first and remember DO NOT reveal your sources.

[eddie_d_2000]

Well, I called her cause I am the type that can't wait, lol. She was really upset that I may not be coming home tonight so she has shut down facebook, removed texting off her phone and blocked some numbers. I don't believe she has met any of these guys, but she is still talking to em, innocently or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I called her cause I am the type that can't wait, lol. She was really upset that I may not be coming home tonight so she has shut down facebook, removed texting off her phone and blocked some numbers. I don't believe she has met any of these guys, but she is still talking to em, innocently or not.

 

eddie...stay gone. start getting the paperwork drawn up.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

As said I have no background in this but it has played out in 24 hours like I expected it would. First you have Eddie taking blame for something that was not his fault.... The usual "I was not romantic enough" or "Doing enough at home"..... without a single thing she may have to take blame for.

 

Did she say or do anything to indicate there were troubles in the marriage? Well I guess the on-line gaming was a pretty telling red flag.

 

Then she is caught and still doesn't stop.

 

Could this be a troll as it is way too straightforward?