Never thought I would be posting to a site like this

[Owl]

You can't bully someone into stopping this behavior. She has to WANT to stop this. Having other men think you're attractive, chatting up men online, showing naked photos of yourself, receiving all the compliments from them that she gets..........It's HUGELY addicting.

 

 

 

IF she wants the marriage to continue only SHE can make the change.

Locking her in a closet, taking away "Modern Conveniences" (really alzup -same with your wife - you think all of that will make it STOP? - you have a little to learn about bullying:eek: )

 

You can't MAKE someone do something they don't want to do.

 

Has it entered your mind that maybe she's already checked out of the marriage?

 

 

CIK, you don't get it.

 

You admit in the beginning of your reply that this is all "highly addictive"...but then turn around and expect that these "addicts" are going to fix themselves.

 

If she chooses to remain in the marriage...then she's pretty much saying "things need to change".

 

But an addict is nearly NEVER capable of implementing that change on their own.

 

She's got the choice to fix things or not...by deciding to remain the marriage or not.

 

Once that choice is made, and she decides to remain in the marriage...SHE STILL LACKS THE WILLPOWER TO OVERCOME HER ADDICTION...which is why the BS nearly always has to step in and INSIST on changes that help them overcome their addiction.

 

You consider it bullying/locking her in a closet/etc...

 

Trust me as someone who's been through this and recovered his marriage with someone who was NOT able to overcome her addiction on her own...taking charge and insisting on these changes to protect his marriage IS his best bet to recover his marriage.

 

Trusting a proven addict to end her addiction on her own power will not do so...in fact, it's the pinnacle of foolishness.

 

I don't think you 'get' the way that addictions work, or how they're overcome.

 

Why do you think that there are "lockdowns, interventions, in-house clniics, etc..."? BECAUSE ADDICTS TYPICALLY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO END THEIR ADDICTION WITHOUT THAT KIND OF INTERVENTION

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah eddie you got to keep an eye on her and a foot to the throat. figuratively.

 

I see you love her, but you cant trust her, you should have full disclosure with everything. She must start from scratch!

[eddie_d_2000]

OK, first off, you might want to read MY backstory. No need to go through all the fun, just read my initial post from 5 years ago.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

With that said, I've recovered my marriage VERY well.

 

But I can relate to what you're dealing with...online affairs are VERY addictive for a couple of reasons.

 

First off...you can't "wait and see what she does".

 

That's not gonna work. Left to her own devices she's going to keep doing what she's been doing.

 

What YOU need to do is "man up", take charge, and MAKE CHANGES in your lives that let things get fixed. As a Christian, you're expected to be the "head", right? Do so.

 

First off, online gaming of any kind is highly addictive. She wont' end it voluntarily.

 

Make it end, now. Don't ask her permission...tell her point blank that the game is DONE. And cancel her account...heck, remove the internet for a while from your home.

 

Next, she needs to come clean about ALL that she did during this time. All of her email/IM/facebook/etc...you need to have open access to all of these. She needs to become an "open book" if she wants to save her marriage.

 

She needs to be COMPLETELY HONEST with you from now on...no more lies, not even to 'keep from hurting you'.

 

You need to INSIST on marriage counseling, and you need to find a good counselor that both of you are comfortable with who has a good understanding of the damages done by infidelity, and a good gameplan on how to recover a marriage from them.

 

Go over to marriagebuilders.com, and look at their free material. AVOID THE FORUMS!!!!!!!

 

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

The recommendations that both you and your wife need to be tested for STD/HIV are right on the money...it's a REAL risk given what she's done.

 

All of this needs to happen NOW.

 

She needs a man who is willing to fight to save the marriage...not someone who's going to wait and see what she'll do. She's not strong right now...you have to be.

 

Your other option is much simpler...and even condoned in the Bible.

 

Adultery is the one clear reason that the Bible gives for divorce.

 

Those are pretty much your choices. Now it's up to you.

 

Owl, I read some of your backstory and I can understand what you have went thru and to clarify for some people, my wife and I have been talking a LOT. We have been very open about everything and we have been getting closer to each other every day. Ever since I found out about her chatting with men online and confronted her about it things are even better than they have ever been. I feel like I can tell her anything now whereas I used to just keep any emotional or sensitive thing to myself.

[eddie_d_2000]

Ok, confusedinkansas. What I did was take away her access to the internet in our home. I didn't "lock her in a closet." There was no way in hell I was going to leave something that I set up for her to use, showed her how to use it and maintained to contact another man she was "sexting" with on facebook.

 

She can go to the coffee shop if she needed to do so.

 

Further more... after a grueling week of a roller coaster ride of emotions and accusations she finally admitted that is was an affair. It took that long for her to admit it when I had all of the chats and emails AND photos laid out in front of her.

 

She confessed that it first really hit her when she came home and was alone... w/ no internet or cable TV, she was forced to look at herself in the mirror and recognize that what had started as an innocent facebook encounter had blown fully into an emotional affair, where she had made plans to fly my son w/her to Texas to meet the OM.

 

So yeah... I unplugged the internet. I don't feel bad about it one bit.

 

Thanks, best of luck to you as well, my wife's affair too started as an innocent facebook encounter. I can't believe she was willing to take your son with her, what did she plan to do with him while there?

[Owl]

I get that your interactions with her are improved, Eddie.

 

But is she still "in game"? Is she still chatting with other men?

 

Is she sharing everything that's being said/shared in those interactions with other men?

 

How does she intend to rebuild her trustworthiness to you?

 

How will she "prove" that you can trust her now? Given how addictive this stuff is...how can you believe what she tells you?

 

The bottom line is...right now, you can't. And you'd be foolish to do so, knowing that she's still got ample opportunity to keep doing what she's doing.

 

Get her to break her addiction to the game, to the online interactions...for at least 45 days.

 

Ask her to focus completely and totally on rebuilding the marriage during that time, with no gaming or interactions with other men.

[eddie_d_2000]

CIK, you don't get it.

 

You admit in the beginning of your reply that this is all "highly addictive"...but then turn around and expect that these "addicts" are going to fix themselves.

 

If she chooses to remain in the marriage...then she's pretty much saying "things need to change".

 

But an addict is nearly NEVER capable of implementing that change on their own.

 

She's got the choice to fix things or not...by deciding to remain the marriage or not.

 

Once that choice is made, and she decides to remain in the marriage...SHE STILL LACKS THE WILLPOWER TO OVERCOME HER ADDICTION...which is why the BS nearly always has to step in and INSIST on changes that help them overcome their addiction.

 

You consider it bullying/locking her in a closet/etc...

 

Trust me as someone who's been through this and recovered his marriage with someone who was NOT able to overcome her addiction on her own...taking charge and insisting on these changes to protect his marriage IS his best bet to recover his marriage.

 

Trusting a proven addict to end her addiction on her own power will not do so...in fact, it's the pinnacle of foolishness.

 

I don't think you 'get' the way that addictions work, or how they're overcome.

 

Why do you think that there are "lockdowns, interventions, in-house clniics, etc..."? BECAUSE ADDICTS TYPICALLY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO END THEIR ADDICTION WITHOUT THAT KIND OF INTERVENTION

 

Once again owl, you hit it on the head, she has an addiction, plain and simple. Really, she wasn't doing a good job of hiding this stuff from me, she keeps the computer running all the time. I just sat down one day to check the weather and her hotmail was open and saw some funny looking emails and that is where this all started.

[alzup]

Introduce them to one another. The Om was pitcher in High School - they were friends in HS. Our son loves baseball and is also a pitcher. She was going to get them together so he could teach him a little about pitching.

 

Here's the rub.. I've been coaching him for the last 4-5 years...

 

Boot meet gut.

 

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, eddie.

[eddie_d_2000]

I get that your interactions with her are improved, Eddie.

 

But is she still "in game"? Is she still chatting with other men?

 

Is she sharing everything that's being said/shared in those interactions with other men?

 

How does she intend to rebuild her trustworthiness to you?

 

How will she "prove" that you can trust her now? Given how addictive this stuff is...how can you believe what she tells you?

 

The bottom line is...right now, you can't. And you'd be foolish to do so, knowing that she's still got ample opportunity to keep doing what she's doing.

 

Get her to break her addiction to the game, to the online interactions...for at least 45 days.

 

Ask her to focus completely and totally on rebuilding the marriage during that time, with no gaming or interactions with other men.

 

She hasn't really said how she will "prove" to me that she is changing, just that she will.

 

Good points owl, I think will ask her to quit facebook for 45 days, that sounds like a really good idea.

[eddie_d_2000]

Introduce them to one another. The Om was pitcher in High School - they were friends in HS. Our son loves baseball and is also a pitcher. She was going to get them together so he could teach him a little about pitching.

 

Here's the rub.. I've been coaching him for the last 4-5 years...

 

Boot meet gut.

 

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, eddie.

 

Its cool man, I think the only way I can get thru this sometimes is to have somebody to talk to and the anonymity of this board is the only way because I don't want to expose this right now to any family or friends because I think I can make it work out.

 

This man is into MMA and apparently is a very built and muscular dude. I am not a really flabby dude, I am prob 20 lbs overweight. I told her that I feel like I am being compared to him but she said it isn't anything like that, she mainly wanted the romance and companionship that I wasn't giving her, and I give her that, we were getting pretty distant before this.

[alzup]

yep... same here, eddie. OM is a big dude w/ an "exciting" job. I'm feeling the same way.

[eddie_d_2000]

yep... same here, eddie. OM is a big dude w/ an "exciting" job. I'm feeling the same way.

 

Yep, its the worst feeling in the world, hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, even harder than loved ones passing away it seems cause it just lingers. I just can't see myself with another woman really, I feel like any woman I meet I will just compare to her and that's no way to live either. Its such a lousy situation, I hope we can both make it thru it.

[alzup]

Yep, its the worst feeling in the world, hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, even harder than loved ones passing away it seems cause it just lingers. I just can't see myself with another woman really, I feel like any woman I meet I will just compare to her and that's no way to live either. Its such a lousy situation, I hope we can both make it thru it.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. It is a lousy situation.. I wish you the best.

My W has stopped all Facebook and internet activities. It was her idea.

 

I told her I would be monitoring everything. She understands and has actually expressed to me that in a weird way she feels good about it.

 

So I guess we'll see how this all works out.

[eddie_d_2000]

This is exactly how I feel. It is a lousy situation.. I wish you the best.

My W has stopped all Facebook and internet activities. It was her idea.

 

I told her I would be monitoring everything. She understands and has actually expressed to me that in a weird way she feels good about it.

 

So I guess we'll see how this all works out.

 

Well, I wish my wife would take that upon herself to do but I think since she works from home it just sits there and calls her name, its like Owl said, an addiction, it was even effecting her photography business. I have watched her, she just sits there in the game and doesn't do anything, waiting for someone to talk to. I think intervention is my only hope to get her to quit it.

[alzup]

I wish you the best, eddie. I myself have the feeling there's more dirty laundry yet to surface in my situation. In my case once she admitted to herself how serious the situation was, she cut it off. It is rough, and all I can say is I'm pulling for ya.

[seibert253]

Well, so far it seems she is trying, I can spy on her in this game as somebody she doesn't have a clue. I still have HUGE trust issues cause I found the topless pictures and she didn't stop at that point. Maybe now that she realizes I know everything she will quit, I am definitely watching her like a hawk for a while anyways.

 

No, you DEMAND she quit.

[eddie_d_2000]

I wish you the best, eddie. I myself have the feeling there's more dirty laundry yet to surface in my situation. In my case once she admitted to herself how serious the situation was, she cut it off. It is rough, and all I can say is I'm pulling for ya.

 

I am pretty sure all her laundry is out, I am a software developer, so I know my way around a computer, unfortunate for her, lol. I did everything but log her keystrokes, which I didn't have to do since she didn't know how to even hide her history or sent emails.

[eddie_d_2000]

No, you DEMAND she quit.

 

Yep, I am going to, if she refuses, I will have to tell her to leave.

[confusedinkansas]

Guys - I do understand lockdowns & interventions.

 

But the bottom line is

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.....THEY WON'T.

 

Have either of you you ever thought that maybe your wives are already checked out of the marriage?

 

I was personally addicted to the whole online chat thingie years ago - No one MADE me quit. No one "locked me down" to get me to quit. I just decided it wasn't a good idea, was detremental to my marriage & quit. Every now & then I will get online & chat for a bit - but it's not the same rush it was years ago - so it's rare if I do. (See....Desire - Ya gotta have the desire)

 

Also, eddie - you seem so shocked because you are both 'christians' - WHY do you think that she is behaving this way? What's up in the marriage that could trigger this?....not tossing blame your way - just thought maybe you'd given it some consideration & could come up with a conclusion.

[eddie_d_2000]

Guys - I do understand lockdowns & interventions.

 

But the bottom line is

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.....THEY WON'T.

 

Have either of you you ever thought that maybe your wives are already checked out of the marriage?

 

I was personally addicted to the whole online chat thingie years ago - No one MADE me quit. No one "locked me down" to get me to quit. I just decided it wasn't a good idea, was detremental to my marriage & quit. Every now & then I will get online & chat for a bit - but it's not the same rush it was years ago - so it's rare if I do. (See....Desire - Ya gotta have the desire)

 

Also, eddie - you seem so shocked because you are both 'christians' - WHY do you think that she is behaving this way? What's up in the marriage that could trigger this?....not tossing blame your way - just thought maybe you'd given it some consideration & could come up with a conclusion.

 

You are right about the desire, I had something similar back when I found out about online chat and I admit I did have a little naughty chat that she actually found out about back when we were dating, but it never made it past that, so I understand the addiction. My wife was new to the whole online chatting/gaming so it was probably a new/exciting thing to her and she loved the compliments that she was getting.

 

I am like you, the newness wore off and I really can't stand online chatting anymore, seems so silly to me now.

 

I really don't think my wife is "checked out" of the marriage, or she wouldn't be as sincere as she is really. I would think that she would become more and more distant from me, is that not the case when a wife has "checked out"? My wife and I have honestly been closer in the past month than all our 11 years, and if that wasn't the case I would be having a different discussion with you for sure.

[lkjh]

eddie, earlier this morning you said everyone deserves a second chance but don't you think you have that to her and she stomped all over it. You already caught her cheating online and then she went one step farther

[eddie_d_2000]

eddie, earlier this morning you said everyone deserves a second chance but don't you think you have that to her and she stomped all over it. You already caught her cheating online and then she went one step farther

 

I am so sorry everybody, I need to clarify this, she did all of this at the same time, I found out about the online cheating first, which she was doing at the same time. The biggest thing I have had a problem with is how she has been hiding it all from me, even after I asked her about having an affair that weekend.

 

She said she didn't want to lose me and just hoped it would all go away because we have been doing so well. At this point, I am still having a hard time believing that, but she is trying I do believe and she truly does feel sorry about it. We will see if she does what I ask.

[confusedinkansas]

Eddie - from someone that's been thru this on your wifes side......

Just because she says she wants to work on the marriage doesn't mean that she mentally hasn't checked out.

 

I checked out of my marriage for about 5 or so years - but stayed with my husband - "Pretended" everything was ok. Did the online chat gig, had an affair...yadda yadda yadda.

It's "safer & more secure" to stay in the marriage rather than jump ship & hope for the best. I'm not saying she's doing this to you. She may be sincere....But I fooled my husband for a lot of years. I sat on the fence, made him think that it was all fine - all the while carrying on this 'separate life'.

 

What is making you think that she may not be sincere or serious - or that she hasn't stopped these behaviors? Are you still policing her?

[eddie_d_2000]

Eddie - from someone that's been thru this on your wifes side......

Just because she says she wants to work on the marriage doesn't mean that she mentally hasn't checked out.

 

I checked out of my marriage for about 5 or so years - but stayed with my husband - "Pretended" everything was ok. Did the online chat gig, had an affair...yadda yadda yadda.

It's "safer & more secure" to stay in the marriage rather than jump ship & hope for the best. I'm not saying she's doing this to you. She may be sincere....But I fooled my husband for a lot of years. I sat on the fence, made him think that it was all fine - all the while carrying on this 'separate life'.

 

What is making you think that she may not be sincere or serious - or that she hasn't stopped these behaviors? Are you still policing her?

 

Actually I am randomly checking up on her at this point and everything seems to have ceased. I am taking owls advice tonight and asking her to stop the facebook stuff. I just had issues with all the lies, but it seems pretty common with these cases.

 

I just now realize that women need romance and compassion and love, something I wasn't giving to my wife and now that we have that I am thinking that things will get better. I told her about using me as a "fall guy" for the kids but she said it isn't anything like that, it was all over. I do understand that she can always fall back into this rut and I am going to have to swallow that pill when that day comes, I am just hoping with everything in my being that that day never comes.

 

Can you offer me anything that would give me an idea that she hasn't changed? She is acting a lot better now, I was just wondering if there is anything I can look for down the road since you seem to have been thru this situation before.

 

Thank you for all your input.

[seibert253]

Here we go Eddie, I'm gonna give you some tough love;

 

You're wife is still in the fog, still excited about the SIN she's envolved in, and yes it is an addiction and she's still addicted.

 

You have to get tough with her, set boundries, give ultimatums, and there is no compromise on your part. She either complies, or she's out the door, no if's, and's, or but's. If you do not get tough with her, or she will continue to walk all over you and YES THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. You cannot just hope she "gets with the program".

 

First, this is not your fault. Tell her that in no certain terms. SHE was the one who traveled to have sex with the OM. SHE is the one who entered into improper online relationships. You had no say in this, there is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR IT. She needs to realize this in order to start healing your marriage. As long as she justifies what she did, you're facing an uphill battle.

 

OK, what now. I think you already answered this question, but do you wish to remain married to her, and do you want to repair what she's destroyed?

 

If you do, the first thing you need to do is sit her down, give her an ultimatum, and then set boundries. These are not negotiable. She either complies, or your filing for divorce. You need to make this crystal clear to her. Also let her know that you do not trust her, that she will have to rebuild this trust. Complying with the boundries you set, will help rebuild trust. But, let her know it will take time.

 

1. She sends the OM and any other's she's been having inappropriate contact with a No contact letter or e-mail. The content of this is simple; our relationship is over, never contact me again. You need to watch her compose it, and watch her send it. Do not trust she'll comply and do it on her own, look what happened the last time you blindly trusted her. Right now YOU HAVE NO TRUST.

2. She cancels her FB account and her days of playing on-line games are over. This is probably where you'll get the most resistance. You need to insist and remain concrete on this. She's addicted to certain aspects of on line access, and you need to bread this addiction. My dad used to tell me, "the easiest way to kill a snake, is to cut off it's head". You need to cut off the head of her addiction.

3. She and you attend MC, and she attends IC. She needs to get to the root causes on why she did this, and what she needs to address to insure it doesn't happen again. The two of you need MC to address the needs of your marriage, and what it will take to heal what she's shattered.

4. She gives you access to all e-mail accounts, complete computer access, and complete access to her cell phone. Let her know you are not spying, but you are doing this to hold her accountable.

 

Now with these, it's all or nothing. There is no compromise. She either complies, or you're filing for divorce and she moves out. BE PREPARED TO BACK THIS UP. This is no longer about her or what she wants or feels, this is about you and your kids. You and your children do not need to remain exposed to a lying, cheating, whore. (told you I was going to be blunt)

 

Now, even is she agrees with all this, you need to remain in investigative mode. Do not hope and trust she complies. Trust, but verify. Here's what you need to do:

A. Install a keylogger on all computers she has access to

B. Get detail cell phone records to check all calls and texts

C. Contact an attorney to find out what your rights are in divorce proceedings.

 

Yes this is alot, but you have to remain vigilent. Your wife is still foggy with the addcition to her sin. It will take a 2X4 of reality upside her head to bring her out of it.

 

Best of Luck and prayers.

[Owl]

CIK, again, you're not tracking.

 

You're right...the DEMANDS don't work...unless the consequences of not changing are greater than the pleasure of continuing the addiction.

 

But if there is no consequence...she's got no reason to WANT to change or end the behavior.

 

If he just ASKS her to do so...the pleasure of her addiction is going to remain greater than the discomfort created by his unhappiness.

 

She won't change.

 

If he INSISTS on a change, and implements boundaries and consequences around that...the discomfort of remaining in the addictive behavior becomes more than the pleasure derived from the behavior.

 

YOU may have ended your affair without that...which would tell me that your addiction was much less than normal.

 

I'd also add that you're not factoing the addiction of online gaming...WHICH IS HUGE!!!!!!!!

 

He HAS to push for changes...or she simply won't change on her own.

 

You're thinking she's got the strength, the willpower, the desiire to create a change.

 

You're wrong.

 

That is nearly NEVER the case in the first stages after ending an affair, especially when you factor in additional addictive behaviors like this.

 

I'm sorry, but like I've said, you just don't "get it" here.

 

You seem to believe that most people have the ability to overcome addictions without outside assistance...not the case.