Never thought I would be posting to a site like this

[eddie_d_2000]

Well, here I am, a father of 2, just found out Thursday that my wife of 11 years had an affair with a guy she met on facebook, I am sure you guys have heard this story one too many times. It took me a lot of investigation to find out exactly what she did, I had noticed she was sending topless pictures of men she was meeting on a game called FarmTown, which just made my heart sink. Well, I didn't think she could possibly cheat on me, we are both solid Christians and she knows how we believe on that issue. I came across a very x-rated email she sent to somebody describing a weekend she had with some guy, she wrote it for somebody else's enjoyment which I thought was strange, but whatever.

 

This has been going on since May and I found out about a month and a half ago. She is a photographer and told me she was taking a trip out to los angeles for a conference when she was really meeting up with this man. Before I found out about the affair we were trying to mend things after I found out about all her flirting with the guys on that game. I was trying to be more romantic, I have been taking her out on dates, we hold hands and do everything that couples do. After I found out about the affair this thurs, which she only told me after I asked for a picture or anything from her conference and found where she was trying to find something to prove to me she was there.

 

All the lying that she has done to me has just totally made me not trust a thing she says to me. At this point she is trying really hard to make it all up to me, so she acts like she is really sorry about what she has done, she says she expected me to kick her out of our house on Thurs but at this point I really don't know what to do. She says that she wanted to hide the affair from me and just hope that it would go away and we could move on since we were making good progress. I have told her that playing that game is kinda like me going around and flirting with co-workers but she doesn't seem to want to stop playing it.

 

Does anybody have any advice for me? I just don't know what to do at this point, I can't get the idea of her with another man out of my head.

[TaraMaiden]

If she really IS trying to get your trust back, she will agree to all your demands and be completely honest and open with you.

This is the penalty you pay for lying and deceiving the person you have committed to.

There is not condition to this: it's the deal, take it or leave it, and if you leave it, then leave full stop.

 

I would suggest counselling, but I don't really know whether it would honestly work.

I get the impression she's long gone already, and may be hanging around out of a sense of guilt and to simply keep you happy and quiet.

 

you say you are both solid Christians.

I hope you can see here how ludicrous that statement is.

you? Yes, I can believe it.

But her?

Please....

She's conveniently left all that to one side, and coveted another man, and committed adultery, quite happily.

She's only come clean and 'borne true witness', because you found out. Not because she wanted to confess and stop lying.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but - I believe this to be over.

She's playing on your good nature, and frankly, the hypocrisy, deceit and refusal to make any further effort to prove herself to you, is more than enough jsutification for you to ask her to pack up and please leave.

[stuckinoz]

Her hoping the affair would "Just go away" seems a bit of a childish behavior or way of thinking to me.

An affair is an on purpose act therefore ending one is an on purpose act.

It's not like the flu. You hope that by Thursday it will be gone!

 

If she doesn't want to stop the affair - I don't think you need to ask for guidance on what to do with that one.

To me sounds like an "Addiction" issue. Not that she's necessarily addicted to the affair itsself...but addicted to other men's reactions to her naked photos of herself.

 

She says that she wanted to hide the affair from me and just hope that it would go away and we could move on since we were making good progress.

 

Good progress? From what - Was there already turmoil in the marriage before you found out about this?

 

both solid Christians

Sorry - but this is just my opinion.........What does that have to do with ANYTHING. I know of many "solid christians" that stand at their pulpit sunday after sunday preaching infidelity & are leading secret lives themselves of that very thing. So the "christianity card" IMO - isn't worth playing.

Sorry, not trying to hi-jack your thread - but my personal experience:

My affair 23 years ago was with a man, in my church, we both sang in the choir & were very active in other parts of the church & ministry & claimed the "Solid Christian" card to make us both feel a little less guilty.

[eddie_d_2000]

If she really IS trying to get your trust back, she will agree to all your demands and be completely honest and open with you.

This is the penalty you pay for lying and deceiving the person you have committed to.

There is not condition to this: it's the deal, take it or leave it, and if you leave it, then leave full stop.

 

I would suggest counselling, but I don't really know whether it would honestly work.

I get the impression she's long gone already, and may be hanging around out of a sense of guilt and to simply keep you happy and quiet.

 

you say you are both solid Christians.

I hope you can see here how ludicrous that statement is.

you? Yes, I can believe it.

But her?

Please....

She's conveniently left all that to one side, and coveted another man, and committed adultery, quite happily.

She's only come clean and 'borne true witness', because you found out. Not because she wanted to confess and stop lying.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but - I believe this to be over.

She's playing on your good nature, and frankly, the hypocrisy, deceit and refusal to make any further effort to prove herself to you, is more than enough jsutification for you to ask her to pack up and please leave.

 

She acts like she is trying, but I deep down believe that she will do something like this again. I told her a while back to tell me anything, I was willing to forgive her and try to mend this. I just wish she would have told me everything back then instead of lying to me. I told her that she couldn't go on anymore trips without me anymore but I can't keep snooping on her, it will drive me nuts and there just isn't any trust there.

 

I hate this for my children, they mean everything to me, she is really trying to mend things it seems, maybe doing too much. She left me two messages this morning saying how much she loves me, which she never did before, kinda seems phony but this stuff is fresh at this point.

 

She says that the only reason she had this weekend with this guy was because she felt like I wasn't being romantic with her and working from home was really getting to her and the kids were really frustrating her. But I know that she is still handing her phone number out to guys and she got a different email address so I couldn't see the messages from those guys. I think she just wants to have affairs with men and still keep me around, I just don't get it.

[eddie_d_2000]

Her hoping the affair would "Just go away" seems a bit of a childish behavior or way of thinking to me.

An affair is an on purpose act therefore ending one is an on purpose act.

It's not like the flu. You hope that by Thursday it will be gone!

 

If she doesn't want to stop the affair - I don't think you need to ask for guidance on what to do with that one.

To me sounds like an "Addiction" issue. Not that she's necessarily addicted to the affair itsself...but addicted to other men's reactions to her naked photos of herself.

 

 

 

Good progress? From what - Was there already turmoil in the marriage before you found out about this?

 

Sorry - but this is just my opinion.........What does that have to do with ANYTHING. I know of many "solid christians" that stand at their pulpit sunday after sunday preaching infidelity & are leading secret lives themselves of that very thing. So the "christianity card" IMO - isn't worth playing.

Sorry, not trying to hi-jack your thread - but my personal experience:

My affair 23 years ago was with a man, in my church, we both sang in the choir & were very active in other parts of the church & ministry & claimed the "Solid Christian" card to make us both feel a little less guilty.

 

The only reason I mentioned the "solid christian" part was because we both fully understand what the bible says about adultery and yet she did it anyway, apparently her faith was not very strong.

 

I asked her if she just wanted some romance, then why did she go all the way and have sex with the guy? She says that his wife found out and has actually had online conversations with her telling her that she didn't want to lose him. Apparently my wife and this guy felt like they were in similar situations where their spouses weren't offering much romance and they needed more. But the wild sex they had on that weekend does tend me to believe that she has a problem. We have been having sex every other night, no joke. It was never this frequent before, usually 2 to 3 times a month.

[TaraMaiden]

She acts like she is trying, but I deep down believe that she will do something like this again.

 

Trust your instincts.

 

 

She says that the only reason she had this weekend with this guy was because she felt like I wasn't being romantic with her and working from home was really getting to her and the kids were really frustrating her.

 

people will make any excuse to justify their behaviour. the bottom line is that she felt like it, because it was a whole lot easier to open her legs for them, than to open her heart to you.

Awful to read, i know - but it's true though.

Isn't it?

 

But I know that she is still handing her phone number out to guys and she got a different email address so I couldn't see the messages from those guys. I think she just wants to have affairs with men and still keep me around, I just don't get it.

Then end it. Now. before she tears you apart.

 

We have been having sex every other night, no joke. It was never this frequent before, usually 2 to 3 times a month.

 

This isn't sex. It's guilt and appeasement on her part, and desperation to get her back, on yours.

Stop with the sex, and start with the separation.

Now.

[Bryanp]

You need to get tested for STD's. She sounds like she is playing you. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would be as accepting as you have been. Her actions indicate that she has a pattern of total disrespect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[eddie_d_2000]

Thanks for the input Tara, I just feel that I would be rushing things if I "ended" it at this point. She doesn't have any kind of history of doing anything like this on me and we have 11 years of marriage, granted things have kind of drifted the past couple of years and we have become more of friends than lovers. You are probably right on the sex part, she hasn't been this willing in all our years of marriage. The only thing she can offer me on why she had sex with this man is because they were adults. She told me that kept her wedding rings on the whole weekend, her words not mine.

 

My thinking at this point is to wait and see how she acts, see if she really wants this to work. I basically told her if she does this to me again, she is gone. You don't think that would be a good idea?

[LifesontheUp]

But I know that she is still handing her phone number out to guys and she got a different email address so I couldn't see the messages from those guys. I think she just wants to have affairs with men and still keep me around, I just don't get it.

 

This really stood out and should to you too - she is telling you that she won't stop, that she has no respect for you.

 

You have choices, you either put up with this behaviour or you don't. If it were me I wouldn't stand for it and I would pack her bags and tell her to leave. Why put up with this treatment?

 

Your wife has been found out and yet she is handing out her number to other men. She wants her cake and eat it - in other words she wants to carry on with other men but have you at home as her back up plan if it doesn't work out.

 

Her behaviour makes me sick..........god knows what diseases she is bringing home

[eddie_d_2000]

You need to get tested for STD's. She sounds like she is playing you. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would be as accepting as you have been. Her actions indicate that she has a pattern of total disrespect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

No, I don't think she would be as forgiving as I. She let me have it right after we were married for me having a bachelor's party at a strip club. I think this is the only guy, she is with me every night and I would know if there was anybody else. I just simply couldn't trace what she did on this one trip.

[reservoirdog1]

But I know that she is still handing her phone number out to guys and she got a different email address so I couldn't see the messages from those guys.

I think this is all the answer you need. Shows you how serious she is about the marriage, recovery, and you.

 

She's clearly not worthy of your trust. Staying with her is going to keep you miserable. Divorce her ass.

[eddie_d_2000]

Well, so far it seems she is trying, I can spy on her in this game as somebody she doesn't have a clue. I still have HUGE trust issues cause I found the topless pictures and she didn't stop at that point. Maybe now that she realizes I know everything she will quit, I am definitely watching her like a hawk for a while anyways.

[LolitaVida]

Divorce her. In the end, when the dust settles you'd be better off single.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for the input Tara, I just feel that I would be rushing things if I "ended" it at this point. She doesn't have any kind of history of doing anything like this on me and we have 11 years of marriage, granted things have kind of drifted the past couple of years and we have become more of friends than lovers. You are probably right on the sex part, she hasn't been this willing in all our years of marriage. The only thing she can offer me on why she had sex with this man is because they were adults. She told me that kept her wedding rings on the whole weekend, her words not mine.

 

Oh my goodness... you're swallowing all this bull?

What does that mean - they were adults? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Wedding rings? kept on? why?? What was the point? What the hell was she trying to say with that? That they were a reminder that they were married and committed to partners and therefore had obligations?? Well, that worked well!

 

or that they had partners and look! we can take the pi$$ out of our vows and commitments, because guess what - the ring-a-ding-ding, don't mean a thing!!

 

My thinking at this point is to wait and see how she acts, see if she really wants this to work. I basically told her if she does this to me again, she is gone. You don't think that would be a good idea?

 

I'm sorry, how she acts? is the way she has acted so far not sufficient for you?

What would you like to see before you take your head from out of the sand and get it - a gang-bang? Would that prove it to you? because other than the fact that she's done it away from you - that's exactly what she's been doing!

The only reason she wants this to work is because of guilt.

And convenience.

She has a home, a father to her kids (if you weren't there, she'd have to look after them and it would spoil her independence) and the security of knowing that whatever happens, she has a fall-guy waiting in the wings.....

 

No, I don't think she would be as forgiving as I. She let me have it right after we were married for me having a bachelor's party at a strip club. I think this is the only guy, she is with me every night and I would know if there was anybody else. I just simply couldn't trace what she did on this one trip.

So what does this tell you, eddie? C'mon, man....!

 

Well, so far it seems she is trying, I can spy on her in this game as somebody she doesn't have a clue. I still have HUGE trust issues cause I found the topless pictures and she didn't stop at that point. Maybe now that she realizes I know everything she will quit, I am definitely watching her like a hawk for a while anyways.

 

Good grief.

 

You have to get a grip and face reality.

because whilst you are loving, trusting and forgiving, all she sees is sucker-patsy-doormat.

 

quit watching her.

Just look at her face when you ask her to leave, you are filing for divorce and full custody with reasonable access to her.

 

DO IT.

That will spur some kind of reaction from her when she sees you mean business.

All she's thinking now is:

"If I just do this for a while, he'll relax and I'll be ok to go again soon...."

 

I'm sorry, but you really do have to un-bury your head, and see it for what it is.

 

O-VER.

[Dexter Morgan]

All the lying that she has done to me has just totally made me not trust a thing she says to me. At this point she is trying really hard to make it all up to me

 

and just how in the hell does she think she can make it up to you after her weekends out of town screwing other men, telling the story to someone else for their enjoyment, basically just bragging about getting banged by another man?

 

She is only wanting to work on it because she got caught. You really think her lust for getting strange men inside her is really going to change? Even if she never physically cheats again out of fear of losing her home for her kids and herself, you think she won't really have the desire to bang other men still? Not saying this to be shocking, thats just the way you need to look at it. She wants to f##k other men, that is NOT going to change....she will always WANT that.

 

So its really irrelevant, IMO, if she physically stops doing it. You will still be married to a woman that wants other men.

 

 

 

so she acts like she is really sorry about what she has done, she says she expected me to kick her out of our house on Thurs but at this point I really don't know what to do.

 

do it, kick her out.

 

 

Does anybody have any advice for me?

 

yes, get rid of her. you really think you can trust a "woman" like this ever again? you have a wife that wants other men, and again, that isn't about to change. She can make the committment to never physically cheat again, but she will be itching for it, that is for certain.

 

 

I just don't know what to do at this point, I can't get the idea of her with another man out of my head.

 

and you never will. maybe you could come to a point where it just doesn't consume your thoughts on a daily basis, but you will NEVER forget.

 

I know divorce isn't something anyone wants to think of....its expensive, your life would be uprooted...etc.....but only for a short while.

 

after divorce is over, you will recover financially and get a BETTER life. Life with someone like your "wife" is no life at all.

 

boot the ditch pig.

[whichwayisup]

She says that she wanted to hide the affair from me and just hope that it would go away and we could move on since we were making good progress

 

"we're" making good progress? Can you explain that one?

 

Look, she is sorry but do her actions show you she is sorry? Words mean nothing. Has she figured out the real reason why she strayed from the marriage? Why she chose not to open up and talk to you about what she was feeling/thinking? Look how she handled it, closing herself off to you and going outside of the marriage. Unhappy or not, she chose the WRONG WAY to deal with this.

 

You didn't do anything wrong here, you didn't push her into cheating on you so don't let her blame you! She has to own up to what she's done and not sweep it under the rug, in hopes you'll forgive and forget, meanwhile she doesn't have to face any consquences or suffer abit..She is a broken woman inside and has issues that SHE needs to address, face and deal with in counselling.

 

I say, get her out of the house for a while. Let her see what life is like without you in it. Let her realize that she truly made a really bad choice, one that has not only cost her your faith and trust in her, but also real reality check. That she cannot go and do this again and that you won't put up with her behaviour.

 

Liquid is asking you the right questions.

[tami-chan]

Eddie, your wife is being totally irresponsible. You need to let her realize what she is losing as a result of her wanton disregard for you and your kids----unless you are going to agree on an arrangement that is mutually beneficial to your particular needs. However, it looks like you want a wife in the truest sense....well, she's not it. So tell her, "see yah!"

 

It is a good idea to get tested now, know that it will take at least a year for you to be relatively home free. You must use maximum protection from here on until you get tested again in twelve months- if you must have sex with her (or a new found love, if it so happens).

 

Take care.

[alzup]

eddie,

 

I can completely empathize w/ your situation. I had the exact same thing happen to me three weeks ago. We have been married close to 13 years, and I too went the route of gut feeling, to investigation, to finding what I was looking for.

 

We have a son, he's 11.

 

I also cannot get the idea of her w/ another man out of my head. I have all of the photos, the emails, and the text messages. Yet still I know there;s more. It took her almost a week to come clean - if she really has come clean - and I had to take my son to my brothers, unplug all of the modern conveniences that I had set up for her and basically leave her in the dark for two days to get any sort of admission to the affair. The whole thing disgusts me to no end.

 

We are trying to work it out, but at this time I cannot imagine trusting her fully again.

 

I think it was the fact that it was like pulling teeth just getting her to admit what she had done, even though I had the physical evidence right there in front of us.

 

I feel like every move she makes is choreographed to cover her ass. I honestly don't believe the "i love you's" i get from her. I don't know when I will, but I'm going to try to work through this.

 

I'm going to monitor her like a hawk... and we'll see how that works out. I have no inhibitions regarding doing so, and I let her know.

 

I was initially blamed for pushing her into this emotional affair, an affair that was about 2 weeks and 1200 miles from being a physical one, so I believe if she want's to make our marriage work, that's something she will have to live with.

 

The whole thing has flipped my world. I wish you the best.

[lkjh]

MAN, if you won't stand up for yourself why should she care about you. You need to have boundaries and consequences for crossing them. She has cheated on you, continued to lie to you, and pretty much told you she won't stop by handing out her number to guys.

 

Man up already

[jnj express]

Hey eddie---she is gonna cheat on you again---and you say how do i know---CUZ YOU ARE BEING WAY TO SOFT ABOUT HER A. What she has done basically is to attempt to murder your mge. What are you doing about it, give her community service. Come on---1st she needs to stop with ALL social websites, and ALL websites where she can talk to other men. She needs to be totally transparent at all times. If she is a photographer---NO dealins with men, unless there are others around. If you say jump--she says how hi. She is to show complete and total remorse----she is to help you thru your visions and pain---but stop the hysterical bonding ----she needs to know she has done something very, very, very wrong, and all you are doing is slapping her knuckles. Have you ever discussed with her why, if there were problems in the mge., she didn't come to you and talk about them, why did she spread her legs for a stranger---and by the way have you both been tested for STD. Do not make her a slave to you, but she does have to know she has done very very wrong, and you need to set some strong boundaries with strong consequences.

[Owl]

OK, first off, you might want to read MY backstory. No need to go through all the fun, just read my initial post from 5 years ago.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

With that said, I've recovered my marriage VERY well.

 

But I can relate to what you're dealing with...online affairs are VERY addictive for a couple of reasons.

 

First off...you can't "wait and see what she does".

 

That's not gonna work. Left to her own devices she's going to keep doing what she's been doing.

 

What YOU need to do is "man up", take charge, and MAKE CHANGES in your lives that let things get fixed. As a Christian, you're expected to be the "head", right? Do so.

 

First off, online gaming of any kind is highly addictive. She wont' end it voluntarily.

 

Make it end, now. Don't ask her permission...tell her point blank that the game is DONE. And cancel her account...heck, remove the internet for a while from your home.

 

Next, she needs to come clean about ALL that she did during this time. All of her email/IM/facebook/etc...you need to have open access to all of these. She needs to become an "open book" if she wants to save her marriage.

 

She needs to be COMPLETELY HONEST with you from now on...no more lies, not even to 'keep from hurting you'.

 

You need to INSIST on marriage counseling, and you need to find a good counselor that both of you are comfortable with who has a good understanding of the damages done by infidelity, and a good gameplan on how to recover a marriage from them.

 

Go over to marriagebuilders.com, and look at their free material. AVOID THE FORUMS!!!!!!!

 

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

The recommendations that both you and your wife need to be tested for STD/HIV are right on the money...it's a REAL risk given what she's done.

 

All of this needs to happen NOW.

 

She needs a man who is willing to fight to save the marriage...not someone who's going to wait and see what she'll do. She's not strong right now...you have to be.

 

Your other option is much simpler...and even condoned in the Bible.

 

Adultery is the one clear reason that the Bible gives for divorce.

 

Those are pretty much your choices. Now it's up to you.

[confusedinkansas]

Hey eddie---she is gonna cheat on you again---and you say how do i know---CUZ YOU ARE BEING WAY TO SOFT ABOUT HER

 

You can't bully someone into stopping this behavior. She has to WANT to stop this. Having other men think you're attractive, chatting up men online, showing naked photos of yourself, receiving all the compliments from them that she gets..........It's HUGELY addicting.

 

ALZUP: and I had to take my son to my brothers, unplug all of the modern conveniences that I had set up for her and basically leave her in the dark for two days to get any sort of admission to the affair.

 

IF she wants the marriage to continue only SHE can make the change.

Locking her in a closet, taking away "Modern Conveniences" (really alzup -same with your wife - you think all of that will make it STOP? - you have a little to learn about bullying:eek: )

 

You can't MAKE someone do something they don't want to do.

 

Has it entered your mind that maybe she's already checked out of the marriage?

[eddie_d_2000]

eddie,

 

I can completely empathize w/ your situation. I had the exact same thing happen to me three weeks ago. We have been married close to 13 years, and I too went the route of gut feeling, to investigation, to finding what I was looking for.

 

We have a son, he's 11.

 

I also cannot get the idea of her w/ another man out of my head. I have all of the photos, the emails, and the text messages. Yet still I know there;s more. It took her almost a week to come clean - if she really has come clean - and I had to take my son to my brothers, unplug all of the modern conveniences that I had set up for her and basically leave her in the dark for two days to get any sort of admission to the affair. The whole thing disgusts me to no end.

 

We are trying to work it out, but at this time I cannot imagine trusting her fully again.

 

I think it was the fact that it was like pulling teeth just getting her to admit what she had done, even though I had the physical evidence right there in front of us.

 

I feel like every move she makes is choreographed to cover her ass. I honestly don't believe the "i love you's" i get from her. I don't know when I will, but I'm going to try to work through this.

 

I'm going to monitor her like a hawk... and we'll see how that works out. I have no inhibitions regarding doing so, and I let her know.

 

I was initially blamed for pushing her into this emotional affair, an affair that was about 2 weeks and 1200 miles from being a physical one, so I believe if she want's to make our marriage work, that's something she will have to live with.

 

The whole thing has flipped my world. I wish you the best.

 

Wow man, sounds exactly like my situation. I am sorry to have to tell you this, but it sounds like you are in the first phase of what I went thru, you may find out that she did have a sexual affair behind your back. I found all the messages and photos and stuff first and then found out about the affair later.

 

To everybody on the board, I am sorry, but I feel that everybody deserves a second chance. I do have access to all her accounts and I can check her browser history. We had a long discussion last night after the kids went to bed and I told her if it happens again I am gone. She told me that everytime I start to talk about things like this she feels like I am going to tell her its over. She told me that you can't really fix things by running away, I genuinely think she wants to work this out.

 

She is quitting the online game, well, I saw her yesterday get on there and tell everybody that they need to get off the game and spend more time with their families and of course all those losers thought something was wrong with her. I will probably look into marriage counseling for us.

 

She did tell me last night that she wasn't looking for the affair, it just happened, but that doesn't make it right, she made the decision to go meet the guy. All I can do at this point guys is to give her a second chance, I think she deserves it but I thank everybody for giving me a heads up on everything, I was definitely looking at things through rose-colored glasses.

[alzup]

Ok, confusedinkansas. What I did was take away her access to the internet in our home. I didn't "lock her in a closet." There was no way in hell I was going to leave something that I set up for her to use, showed her how to use it and maintained to contact another man she was "sexting" with on facebook.

 

She can go to the coffee shop if she needed to do so.

 

Further more... after a grueling week of a roller coaster ride of emotions and accusations she finally admitted that is was an affair. It took that long for her to admit it when I had all of the chats and emails AND photos laid out in front of her.

 

She confessed that it first really hit her when she came home and was alone... w/ no internet or cable TV, she was forced to look at herself in the mirror and recognize that what had started as an innocent facebook encounter had blown fully into an emotional affair, where she had made plans to fly my son w/her to Texas to meet the OM.

 

So yeah... I unplugged the internet. I don't feel bad about it one bit.

[alzup]

eddie... yep, it sounds like we're in pretty much the same boat. Best of luck to you.