Hkizzle Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 So I sent this message out on facebook and got replies from about 100 female friends. "Why is it whilst women are intuitive and able to sniff out bull****, so many women still fall for jerks?" What I find amazing is whilst men had various responses, women had very similar responses. About 50 responses in fact were exactly the same: Women want to be the special one that can actually change the jerk So, women of LS, you agree with my female friends?
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Women want to be the special one that can actually change the jerk. Yes, this is absolutely true. The problem, as I stated in another thread is two fold: 1. 99.99% of the time, no matter what a woman does, Mr Jerk won't change. He will "act" like he is going to change but this is a form of manipulation to make sure the gravy train of sex doesn't stop flowing. 2. In the rare circumstances (0.01%) where the jerk does change, the woman will get instantly "bored" of the relationship (all drama = gone) and she'll leave for another challenge. Bottom line? Strong, confident, self-assured women can sniff out a jerk and will not stay with him very long. Granted, some men are professional "con" men and can play the game very well. But a confident woman will eventually see through this masquerade and move on. Insecure women, on the other than, will stay simply because they feel like they can't do better. They are fearful of being alone ("I need a man - any man - no matter how badly he treats me!"). I don't understand the "I can change him" mentality. It's light years easier to find a man you don't have to change than to try and change the one you're with. You either accept him for who he is or you find someone who fits you better. If you truly love them for who they are, you don't have to try and change them. So -- simply put: Love and respect yourself first and you'll weed out the bad men in your life. And best of all, when you find the right guy, you won't have to change him.
Chicago_Guy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Caliguy, would you say that the type of woman who usually goes for the "bad boy" types and stays with them is usually a very insecure woman? If so, I think you are probably correct.
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Caliguy, would you say that the type of woman who usually goes for the "bad boy" types and stays with them is usually a very insecure woman? If so, I think you are probably correct. That's exactly what I am saying. They don't think they can do better and are petrified of being alone. Being alone to them is worse than being with a jerk. But, that's what being insecure will get you...a really bad relationship.
butcher's hook Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 You might be confusing bad boys with abusers. That's exactly what I am saying. They don't think they can do better and are petrified of being alone. Being alone to them is worse than being with a jerk. But, that's what being insecure will get you...a really bad relationship. Nah I don't think it has so much to do with that, just so happens that a lot of bad boys are also super hot or sexy. I think it has more to do with being very superficial and wanting a super hot guy overlooking what he is really about in character. Women will put up with a lot more crap from super hot popular guys, it's just the way it is. Also, really good looking women can get away with being bitches more than their less attractive counterparts. Now, women who end up with abusive men that's more about self esteem. We are talking bad boys not abusers. Bad boys are just non-commital and players they are not necessarily abusive just flakey and indecisive but not malicious like abusers. At least that's my take on bad boys. EDIT: shoot I think I got confused here with the Bad Boy thread! LOL I thought I was in the "bad boys" thread... I guess the answer still applies but not as much LMAO
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 You might be confusing bad boys with abusers. Nah Nah I don't think it has so much to do with that, just so happens that a lot of bad boys are also super hot or sexy. I think it has more to do with being very superficial and wanting a super hot guy overlooking what he is really about in character. Women will put up with a lot more crap from super hot popular guys, it's just the way it is. See, I don't believe that to be true. I think the more confident you are, the more sexy you LOOK. Granted you have to be somewhat attractive to create the intial spark, but a confident guy and an insecure guy, side by side, the confident guy may not be as good looking as the insecure guy but to WOMEN, he will appear to be super hot or sexy. Also, really good looking women can get away with being bitches more than their less attractive counterparts. Totally agree, but only for so long. No matter how hot she is, somewhere out there is a guy who is sick of her crap and dumped her. Now, women who end up with abusive men that's more about self esteem. We are talking bad boys not abusers. Bad boys are just non-commital and players they are not necessarily abusive just flakey and indecisive but not malicious like abusers. At least that's my take on bad boys. EDIT: shoot I think I got confused here with the Bad Boy thread! LOL I thought I was in the "bad boys" thread... I guess the answer still applies but not as much LMAO There ya go. I was wondering how you got that from my reply. LOL
sally4sara Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 So I sent this message out on facebook and got replies from about 100 female friends. "Why is it whilst women are intuitive and able to sniff out bull****, so many women still fall for jerks?" What I find amazing is whilst men had various responses, women had very similar responses. About 50 responses in fact were exactly the same: Women want to be the special one that can actually change the jerk So, women of LS, you agree with my female friends? As a woman, I say your story smells as much of BS as the belief that women are naturally intuitive.
caramel c Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 So I sent this message out on facebook and got replies from about 100 female friends. "Why is it whilst women are intuitive and able to sniff out bull****, so many women still fall for jerks?" What I find amazing is whilst men had various responses, women had very similar responses. About 50 responses in fact were exactly the same: Women want to be the special one that can actually change the jerk So, women of LS, you agree with my female friends? That is absolutely true. That is the main reason. For some reason I feel the need to say that I am not in this club. I don't like jerks and not interested in changing anyone. If they aren't the way I want them to be then they are not for me. I have never dated a jerk in my life, unless it was someone who didn't last more than a date or two.
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Wow, your facebook friends must think you're a weirdo. The person who said women want to change them is correct though...I've never been that way and can't imagine dating someone I'd just want to change everything about...but I think a lot of women do.
caramel c Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Wow, your facebook friends must think you're a weirdo. The person who said women want to change them is correct though...I've never been that way and can't imagine dating someone I'd just want to change everything about...but I think a lot of women do. They do, and they wear themselves silly.
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 You might be confusing bad boys with abusers. Yeah, this is where I differ from Caliguy's analysis slightly, and I agree with you more. Abusive guys definitely have low self esteem, but a lot of bad boys are simply another breed of people. They are either addicted to sex, or they are narcissists that simply don't care. Someone that has no remorse and empathy for another human being is not necessarily insecure, they just have a different moral standard.
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 As a woman, I say your story smells as much of BS as the belief that women are naturally intuitive. How's my story BS? I'm trying to do research for a book, I sent a message to female friends on facebook. As for naturally intuitive, well I had to say something positive or I would get flamed. Would the question be better if I said, "why are some women stupid and fall for jerks?". See what I mean?
sally4sara Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I'm trying to do research for a book, That too, is BS. I sense it.
CaliGuy Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Yeah, this is where I differ from Caliguy's analysis slightly, and I agree with you more. Abusive guys definitely have low self esteem, but a lot of bad boys are simply another breed of people. They are either addicted to sex, or they are narcissists that simply don't care. Someone that has no remorse and empathy for another human being is not necessarily insecure, they just have a different moral standard. An over-inflated sense of self-worth (narcissism) can and often is just as bad as LOW self-esteem. It's inherently unhealthy. I think jerks, for the most part, fall into the low self-esteem category because they have to make others feel bad to make themselves feel better.
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 That too, is BS. I sense it. Oh come on. Everything is BS? lol Why you think I start so many threads to gather people's opinions then? I mean to be honest, a lot of the threads I start are for genuine interest, intellectual debate, and I like debating with many of you here. But how's that BS?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I totally agree with the things Caliguy has said in this thread. I was afraid to be alone and afraid to leave my XH - and he was an absolute jerk. I kept making justifications. He wasn't verbally or physically abusive. But he was a serial cheater, workaholic, etc, etc. If he could find any way to make me feel low on his priority list (whether conscious or not), he did it. I was one of those that thought I could "change" him. Stoooooopid. As was mentioned by Caliguy...found my self-worth and I found my local courthouse to file divorce. One of the most empowering things I have ever done for myself. And now I don't put up with sub-par treatment from guys. I'd rather be alone and I'm perfectly happy with that.
CaliGuy Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I totally agree with the things Caliguy has said in this thread. I was afraid to be alone and afraid to leave my XH - and he was an absolute jerk. I kept making justifications. He wasn't verbally or physically abusive. But he was a serial cheater, workaholic, etc, etc. If he could find any way to make me feel low on his priority list (whether conscious or not), he did it. I was one of those that thought I could "change" him. Stoooooopid. As was mentioned by Caliguy...found my self-worth and I found my local courthouse to file divorce. One of the most empowering things I have ever done for myself. And now I don't put up with sub-par treatment from guys. I'd rather be alone and I'm perfectly happy with that. Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable, AMEN! Congrats to you for building the confidence and self-esteem to walk away!
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable, AMEN! Congrats to you for building the confidence and self-esteem to walk away! Thanks, Caliguy. It was certainly a process, but I've learned a lot about myself. And most recently had the pleasure of turning down one of the hottest guys I've ever laid my hands on because he couldn't give me 100%. Ah, well...being alone gives me a lot of time to do the things I enjoy. Which is why it's SO important that women not lose their identity when a guy comes into the picture by dropping their hobbies. That helps with the self-esteem, too.
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 And most recently had the pleasure of turning down one of the hottest guys I've ever laid my hands on because he couldn't give me 100%. Good for you. Just curious, how come you didn't pursue something casual with the guy if he's so hot?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Good for you. Just curious, how come you didn't pursue something casual with the guy if he's so hot? Because I have self respect. I'm aware of what I want from a man and it's a relationship. He couldn't give that to me. Because I'm aware of what I want, it makes the choice easy. I've tried casual sex in the past (just out of my divorce) and it doesn't work for me. If it works for other people, that's cool. But it definitely doesn't work for me.
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Because I have self respect. I'm aware of what I want from a man and it's a relationship. He couldn't give that to me. Because I'm aware of what I want, it makes the choice easy. I've tried casual sex in the past (just out of my divorce) and it doesn't work for me. If it works for other people, that's cool. But it definitely doesn't work for me. ok cool. Respect;)
Taramere Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Women want to be the special one that can actually change the jerk So, women of LS, you agree with my female friends? I agree that women want to be the special one....but I don't think it's about changing the jerk. I think it's more about him continuing to treat everyone else badly but being good to her. A woman who feels powerless getting power by proxy via a man who nobody messes with. Example (extreme)...women writing to psychopathic serial killers. The guy has killed, say 20 women. He's not a good person by any stretch. "I know he's a good person underneath it all" "I think he can be saved" "if someone just took the time to understand him...". "he's hurting deep down inside" Maybe all those claims are true, and those women are terribly nice, gullible souls who see the best in everyone. But the cynic in me says "Bullsh*t. You're after that sense of power by proxy." At a lesser extreme are young girls who want to go out with the jerk all the other guys are afraid of, because it results in those other guys extending a level of respect to her that she probably wouldn't otherwise garner. I grew up with an older brother who had a reputation amongst other guys as someone you really didn't mess around with (hard to imagine nowadays, as he's grown into a very laid back and amiable person). It's astounding what a difference it would make to me as a teenager. "You're X's sister???" Sudden gleam of respect in the eyes, coupled with a certain amount of backing off. There were definite pros and cons. The perception of a woman being allied in some way (whether romantically or as a result of familial ties) with a strong man gives her an aura of power that isn't really hers. Once a girl becomes a woman who has the confidence to deal with any crap herself, without seeking the assistance of a stronger male, there's not the same need to get "power by proxy". You start assessing men more in terms of "do I admire this man's character and intellect? Is he an interesting conversationalist? Is he sane? Do I admire and respect the person he is?" It's still nice to be around strong men, and it's still nice if they demonstrate protectiveness - but it stops feeling essential in the way it does when you're younger and caught up in a jungle of power struggles that you don't feel equipped to cope with effectively on your own.
CaliGuy Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Because I have self respect. I'm aware of what I want from a man and it's a relationship. He couldn't give that to me. Because I'm aware of what I want, it makes the choice easy. I've tried casual sex in the past (just out of my divorce) and it doesn't work for me. If it works for other people, that's cool. But it definitely doesn't work for me. Exactly. If you don't love and respect yourself, how can you possibly understand how to love and respect others? Answer?: You can't. Good on you!
Author Hkizzle Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 I agree that women want to be the special one....but I don't think it's about changing the jerk. I think it's more about him continuing to treat everyone else badly but being good to her. A woman who feels powerless getting power by proxy via a man who nobody messes with. Yeah, I didn't include the second and third most common answers. 2Love is blind. When we are interested the blind spot automatically turns on and we make excuses for jerk like behaviors 3) He was charming, funny, and pampered me, so at the time I over looked whether he was a jerk or not
Recommended Posts