Trying to cope with emotional uncertainty

[leap83]

Well, here I am. All broken hearted - not like I was expecting anything out of the situation I was put in a couple of weeks ago. My heart is shattered to million pieces right now. I have decided to let go and move on from the man I thought I was going to eventually marry.

 

This is just to vent. I need to let it out of my system. I'm angry at him. You know if he told me that he doesn't see any future with me, I would be less hurt than by what he did yesterday night. I don't know if he wanted to hurt me less, but man oh man, I'm angry at him right now. Have you ever been with an individual who is broken to the extreme that he would push one good thing in his life out of the way so he can sulk in misery? Yes. That's what I had to deal with. I'd like to think that I'm emotionally mature, but yesterday he ticked me off so much by saying what he said that I can't get myself to recover from it.

 

No, he didn't say he doesn't see any future with me - in the end he did, because he thought that will work in terms of trying to push me even farther away. He believes that I should move on because he will hurt me. He believes that he's not good for me and that eventually he'll end up pushing me away. He's emotionally unstable - came out of a 7 yr horrible relationship, which brought him only misery and destroyed who he was as a person. Now he's all over the place. And I watch this incredible individual fall apart. And then he pushes away one good thing he had in life - me. What kind of an idiot would do that?! And after everything he tells me, he says that he will be hurt a lot when and if he sees me with someone else but that I shouldn't worry about that because that is HIS problem and he needs to suck it up... What am I suppose to say to that? I just looked at him. That's all I could do.

 

He believes it would be selfish of him to ask me to wait for him. He said that he knows I'm hurting and that he wants to stop it - he doesn't want me to hurt. He wants me to move on and find something more stable and reliable. But he's going to hurt if that happens. WTF?!

 

Yes. It's a nice way of blowing me away. But somehow I don't believe half of his words or actions. I'm not perfect. No one is. I believe my life is messed up. I also believe that he's one messed up individual. He's even topped my emotional immaturity. What does he want from me?! To move on. Yes. I'm doing that. But aside from that - what else does he want from me? I feel like I'm missing something. And no, I'm not looking for hope... I know there is none because I made it that way - I closed the door.

 

My thought process right now sucks. I still believe he's lying to make me move on. And I can't forgive him for that.

[dashing daisy]

Oh wow.

 

I feel like I could have written this a year and a half ago. Exactly this. Someone I loved very much, the person I thought I was going to marry, and had been with for over two years.

 

I felt like he ripped my heart out, I felt like he was just trying to hurt me, and I was absolutely miserable, and angry, and I didn't understand how he could do that after everything we had been through together.

 

He said the same thing too--that he couldn't ask me to wait for him, it wouldn't be fair, I could do better...but that he would hate it if I were with someone else. I couldn't understand why he would say any of those things, because it made no sense to me.

 

But honestly, if this guy really is that messed up as to push away the best thing in his life, he has some serious issues that he needs to work out before he can really be in a healthy relationship. You can't fix anyone, and you can't save him from himself. He needs to work out whatever issues he is having, and as hard as it is, you can't do it for him.

 

So for now, try to stop worrying about what he wants from you, and start thinking about what you can do for yourself right now. You are going through a lot, so try to take care of yourself as best you can. Try not to spend too much time alone, definitely give yourself time to cry or whatever you need to do right now, just try not to isolate yourself too much.

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what else to say, when I think back then I can't even remember if anything anyone else said actually helped, or even if I processed it. I just felt like someone had stolen a part of me, left me in pieces, and I didn't know why, or even how to put it back together.

 

It got better...slowly, but it did. You'll get through this.

[leap83]

Thank you so much for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me. It is very hard. I woke up today and I thought "A month ago I had a great guy and a great job and I was really happy. It all fell apart and now I feel alone again." It's like the pattern I make. You know what is the hardest thing right now? Knowing he has feelings for me and knowing that hypothetically speaking he didn't want to do this but he did it because he felt it was necessary to stop hurting me. It bugs me. I get what he was trying to do by pushing me away. He even said

 

"It's your last year of grad school. You need to concentrate on that. You can't have someone around you who is not emotionally stable and broken like me. That will just create problems for you and you will screw up your year - the year you should do the best in everything and get those grades and do an amazing job at your research. You don't need any more problems. I'm a problem. I hurt you. I hurt you now. I will probably hurt you again. I don't want to see you in pain. I don't want to see you upset. I want you to put your head up high and go through this year and do amazing. Don't worry about me. I'm going to suck it up and work on these issues. But right now, you're important, your life is. You're young. You can't screw up this and I don't want you to."

 

It makes me cry even to think about it. That's probably what is making me sad right now. The fact that I know that if timing was better this would have worked out. The fact that I know he has feelings for me but he needs to work on these issues. The fact that I know that he's trying not to be selfish in this situation and that he's trying to let me go so that I wouldn't hurt more than I'm hurting right now. On one side it makes me happy he thinks about me and is good enough to do this. But then the other side of me yearns for him, wants him around me. I'm trying to block that side right now. But a part of me wishes we met later. Now, I have no hope for the future. I have no hope we even have a shot after he resolves his issues. My heart is falling into pieces.

[Arabella]

I'm in a very similar situation currently.

 

The person I've been carrying on a long-distance relationship with over the past few months just asked me for a break. He loves me, he misses me, he constantly thinks of me, and yet, he says he can't be with me. Why? Because he's too busy sulking and being miserable. He's deeply depressed and he simply doesn't have the emotion to spare for me. I, like you, I'm in a status of limbo just waiting for him to figure things out.

 

I think when people do this, it is a basically selfish reaction to protect themselves. When they continuously keep hurting the one they love, or fail to meet their expectations, they realize what they have done and internalize their actions as a failure. In turn, this pushes them deeper into their hole and it becomes a constant source of self-hatred.

 

So, this is why I believe we get pushed away. It doesn't matter how wonderful we are, and how good we make them feel... in the end, if they do not feel they can give us what we deserve, all we do is contribute to the problem by making them feel inadequate

 

Arabella

[leap83]

I think you got it spot on Arabella. However, today I realized it is time to stop sulking in my own misery and take all of this, toss it out the window and forget it ever happened. That is the only way to move on and still have hope for potentially having them around you in the future. Yes, they have hurt us. In my case, the path he chose was not the problem (not to be with me) but pushing me away was what caused me pain. Today I came to terms with that though and I forgave him. I've realized that until he gives himself permission to live, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm going to move on with my life and continue to be an amazing person (and work on myself) and when he and if he decides to get out of this state of mind, I'll be here but not waiting. I'll be here and I'll think about whether to give us a second shot or not.

 

So, don't be sad. Look at this as a good thing. You don't need someone who is emotionally unstable. I understand that you might be in love with him or that you like him a lot, but you really don't need to add more problems to your life. Take this as "He did the right thing for pushing me away". Forgive him because who knows how it would be if you were stuck in the relationship and had to watch him fall apart. That's not what you want. You want him emotionally healthy. So, here's his chance to become just that - because of you (if he still believes he has a shot).

[mimiminx]

I'm in a very similar situation currently.

 

The person I've been carrying on a long-distance relationship with over the past few months just asked me for a break. He loves me, he misses me, he constantly thinks of me, and yet, he says he can't be with me. Why? Because he's too busy sulking and being miserable. He's deeply depressed and he simply doesn't have the emotion to spare for me. I, like you, I'm in a status of limbo just waiting for him to figure things out.

 

I think when people do this, it is a basically selfish reaction to protect themselves. When they continuously keep hurting the one they love, or fail to meet their expectations, they realize what they have done and internalize their actions as a failure. In turn, this pushes them deeper into their hole and it becomes a constant source of self-hatred.

 

So, this is why I believe we get pushed away. It doesn't matter how wonderful we are, and how good we make them feel... in the end, if they do not feel they can give us what we deserve, all we do is contribute to the problem by making them feel inadequate

 

Arabella

 

WOW. This is to the T exactly my situation. With him for over 2 years, we were going to get married. Things this past year were really tough for him. I was pushed away, he told me that he couldn't give me what he wanted to give me.. feeling very inadequate, feeling like a failure. I'm in the same spot as you, this horrible limbo. He's not letting go, he's not closing the door he says how much he loves me, misses me, still has romantic feelings for me, but doesn't think he can have a relationship with me. Self-loathing for sure. I feel so bad, I wish he would allow me to be there for him like I always have, but i guess the pressure of the relationship got to him, it's too much for him to handle. I'm heartbroken too, so much.

He told me also that he doesn't want me to hurt, he doesn't want to hurt me, it wouldn't be fair to ask me to wait for him, but the thought of me with someone else would kill him. He even said that if I were to move on, he'd want me to tell him so. I don't understand either.

I'm trying to "let him go" but not let "it" (the love) go. This is so hard.

[mimiminx]

Oh wow.

 

I feel like I could have written this a year and a half ago. Exactly this. Someone I loved very much, the person I thought I was going to marry, and had been with for over two years.

 

I felt like he ripped my heart out, I felt like he was just trying to hurt me, and I was absolutely miserable, and angry, and I didn't understand how he could do that after everything we had been through together.

 

He said the same thing too--that he couldn't ask me to wait for him, it wouldn't be fair, I could do better...but that he would hate it if I were with someone else. I couldn't understand why he would say any of those things, because it made no sense to me.

 

But honestly, if this guy really is that messed up as to push away the best thing in his life, he has some serious issues that he needs to work out before he can really be in a healthy relationship. You can't fix anyone, and you can't save him from himself. He needs to work out whatever issues he is having, and as hard as it is, you can't do it for him.

 

So for now, try to stop worrying about what he wants from you, and start thinking about what you can do for yourself right now. You are going through a lot, so try to take care of yourself as best you can. Try not to spend too much time alone, definitely give yourself time to cry or whatever you need to do right now, just try not to isolate yourself too much.

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I don't know what else to say, when I think back then I can't even remember if anything anyone else said actually helped, or even if I processed it. I just felt like someone had stolen a part of me, left me in pieces, and I didn't know why, or even how to put it back together.

 

It got better...slowly, but it did. You'll get through this.

 

What helped you get through this? What happened after your initial breakup with him, contact, etc.. I feel like I am in the shoes you were, it would be really helpful to get your input. Thanks!

[irishsimon]

I'm a bit like that guy right now. I pushed my ex away as I knew I had a couple of particular issues I needed to deal with on my own and I knew I was hurting her. I wish I had his strength to actually finish it at the time as I would maybe have a chance at reconciliation once I'd completed my work - but I didnt want to lose her and became caught in the fear trap. She had issues of her own..pa and unavailability.. which made her withdraw so it was a no win situation. She ended it as I wasn't emotionally healthy enough at the time. I knew what I stood to lose though I also knew I might lose myself. It was a massive conflict within me.

 

If its any consolation.. I really loved this girl and once I'm through the last of my crap I will see if there is a way back. Though I doubt she would have me now.

 

I think he's shown himself to be decent however messed up it might seem.

[leap83]

WOW. This is to the T exactly my situation. With him for over 2 years, we were going to get married. Things this past year were really tough for him. I was pushed away, he told me that he couldn't give me what he wanted to give me.. feeling very inadequate, feeling like a failure. I'm in the same spot as you, this horrible limbo. He's not letting go, he's not closing the door he says how much he loves me, misses me, still has romantic feelings for me, but doesn't think he can have a relationship with me. Self-loathing for sure. I feel so bad, I wish he would allow me to be there for him like I always have, but i guess the pressure of the relationship got to him, it's too much for him to handle. I'm heartbroken too, so much.

He told me also that he doesn't want me to hurt, he doesn't want to hurt me, it wouldn't be fair to ask me to wait for him, but the thought of me with someone else would kill him. He even said that if I were to move on, he'd want me to tell him so. I don't understand either.

I'm trying to "let him go" but not let "it" (the love) go. This is so hard.

 

Oh my God!!!! Your situation is EXACTLY (word by word) like mine. Except we were together for less than that. Here's what happened to me. You compare.

 

So, the first time he came out with his issues was mid July. I tried really hard to understand where he is coming from because I was in limbo before and I was just like him a year ago. When August hit, I was feeling in limbo. We went out and were sitting on the beach. I saw that he was really bugged by everything, but that he wanted to spend time with me because it made him calm and he enjoyed it very much. That night, we decided to go on a break. We were in a car, talking and he kept sighing and I was like "Why are you sighing?" and he said "Because this can't be now." Then I tried to calm him down, because I saw he was frustrated by gently touching him and telling him that everything is going to be fine - he said that my touch was very comforting. It was the hardest thing I've done. I asked him "Why do you want to keep me around? Do you see potential in me/us?" and he said "Of course I do."

After 3 weeks of not talking, we ended up contacting each other and talking over the phone. He said he missed me (for the first time - he was too scared to do that before) and how much little things reminded him of me. Then I asked him if he can see me as a friend and he said "No". I asked him if he wanted to see me and he said it would be too difficult because all he'll want to do is touch me and kiss me and he knows he can't do that anymore. So I listened and I tried to figure out a way for us to see each other. And I did. But the next thing followed.

 

I messaged him to give me a call on Sunday night and he did. For an hour of talking, he was actually thinking about my proposal (which was dating but not taking it seriously right now). He thought it was tempting and he was about to say "yes" to is when he said "You get attached easily. This won't really work." And I was like "I thought through this. You can't hurt me by being with me" and then the whole thing started (please note that for an hour he was thinking about this). He told me how it's my last year of grad... how I need to concentrate on my marks and everything else... how I can't screw it up because he wants me to get into medicine... When I didn't budge, he said how I can date other people if I have a chance and how I shouldn't wait for him. Then he said "If I hear/see you dating another guy, I will be really hurt. But that's MY problem and I need to suck it up." (Exactly what your bf said). I didn't budge again. Then he said how he doesn't want to go down the same road again - ie. being a horrible boyfriend and then getting blamed for the rest of the years (that's what happened in his previous relationship). I didn't budge again. Then he said that he doesn't see future with us. I said that I don't believe him (note what he said previously in the car). That was the last punch he tossed me and I said to that "Then why did you lead me to believe there was a chance between us? Why did you lie to me?" and he goes "That statement really pisses me off" and I said "Why? That's what you claim you did." And he said "Do you ACTUALLY believe that I led you on" and I said "No. I'm sorry" (he started to get really upset here). In that moment I realized I needed to move on for my sake and his own as well. After everything he goes to me "I still have feelings for you. I still really like you" and I said "I still really like you too." And then he said "So, you want me to think about the proposal you made?" and I'm like "Hmmm... What? After all of this?" and he was silent because I think he realized what he just said. Then I asked him "If you really don't believe there is future between us and you don't want to be with me, why would you be hurt to see me with someone else? Why would you ask me if I want you to think about the proposal? Why would you give me hope when we were in the car? You just want to push me away. You just want me to move on because you can't stand seeing me like this - unhappy." He was silent.

 

There. That's what happened. Exactly like your situation. He doesn't believe he can give me what I deserve/need so he would rather sulk in his misery.

[leap83]

Thank you all for your replies. Keep on talking because I think we're all in the same limbo. Let's figure this out and help each other the best we can.

 

I'll be on here tonight. And post a reply to everyone.

[leap83]

I'm a bit like that guy right now. I pushed my ex away as I knew I had a couple of particular issues I needed to deal with on my own and I knew I was hurting her. I wish I had his strength to actually finish it at the time as I would maybe have a chance at reconciliation once I'd completed my work - but I didnt want to lose her and became caught in the fear trap. She had issues of her own..pa and unavailability.. which made her withdraw so it was a no win situation. She ended it as I wasn't emotionally healthy enough at the time. I knew what I stood to lose though I also knew I might lose myself. It was a massive conflict within me.

 

If its any consolation.. I really loved this girl and once I'm through the last of my crap I will see if there is a way back. Though I doubt she would have me now.

 

I think he's shown himself to be decent however messed up it might seem.

 

Yes. I believe he is decent. I also believe that he did this to protect me and to save me from feeling the pain/hurt, as well as help me to concentrate on matters that are, right now, far more important - such as my school. At first, I felt irritated by him. I don't know what I was looking for - hope? Maybe. I was looking for a little bit of hope. But I know that if he gave me hope, this wouldn't work because I would stick around and wouldn't move on.

 

I was wondering something - do you still keep in touch with your ex or do you find it hard? When was the last time you two talked? I'm guessing you still think about her based on your post. How long has it been since you 2 parted?

 

I would love to hear your side of the story. It would really help me understand him. I understand him to an extent but like I said, we're seeing each other in 2 weeks so I really have to calm myself down and have that piece of mind. The last thing I want is to push him even farther away.

 

Also you said it was a "massive conflict within me." Did you analyze/over-analyze the situation? That's what he does. He thinks way too much.

 

Your 2 cents would be much appreciated.

[irishsimon]

Yes. I believe he is decent. I also believe that he did this to protect me and to save me from feeling the pain/hurt, as well as help me to concentrate on matters that are, right now, far more important - such as my school. At first, I felt irritated by him. I don't know what I was looking for - hope? Maybe. I was looking for a little bit of hope. But I know that if he gave me hope, this wouldn't work because I would stick around and wouldn't move on.

 

I was wondering something - do you still keep in touch with your ex or do you find it hard? When was the last time you two talked? I'm guessing you still think about her based on your post. How long has it been since you 2 parted?

 

I would love to hear your side of the story. It would really help me understand him. I understand him to an extent but like I said, we're seeing each other in 2 weeks so I really have to calm myself down and have that piece of mind. The last thing I want is to push him even farther away.

 

Also you said it was a "massive conflict within me." Did you analyze/over-analyze the situation? That's what he does. He thinks way too much.

 

Your 2 cents would be much appreciated.

 

 

Could be a long one. I'm a tad wordy..it may give you an idea why he may pull away

 

My ex ex was bipolar and BPD. I took 2 yr sabbatical but in that time work was difficult, I moved back home to no friends etc as I had to deal with a death in the family and then look after family member with cancer, plus I had a long standing marijuana habit. Don't get me wrong..I keep fit, make decent money, do stuff with my life etc..I'm not your average stoner. I've had plenty of counseling in my time but I did nothing to deal with issues of trust and insecurity I had from my previous relationship. The smoking also made me feel pretty worthless (could have been anything else in your guys case) but it made me feel more in control emotionally. A vicious circle. I took all this into the new relationship.

 

Both fell madly in love. I felt anxious from the start as I knew I wasn't fully emotionally healthy. She was also a bit guarded whereas I was very open with my emotions and expressing them. I felt she was unavailable. It worried me. Her father was bipolar. It also worried me my issues would make me look like him but thought I'd cope. I projected this all onto her and felt anxious, not good enough for her, put her on a pedestal and didn't open up enough about my issues. That proved to be my undoing. Things got hard at xmas. She was working, socialising, trying to get me out. I'd just finished looking after the sick family member and couldn't get enough freelance work so was stuck at home with no money, already feeling a lack of worth..life had lost its purpose. I began to smoke more and just withdrew. I didn't feel good enough for her at all. She challenged me quite hard, I pushed her away further. I could see I was hurting her and wondered should I finish it and deal with my problems. To tell her the truth would mean risk losing her. I didn't want to look like her dad. I just kinda hung in there hoping I'd find a way out of my fug. I didn't and she finished it a few weeks later. I remember telling her not to fall in love around that time as I didn't feel worthy of her love at that point. Horrible for her I'm sure.

 

This was the jolt I needed and I sorted myself out quickly, though a big contract came in and that gave me purpose. It was the catalyst. I cut down the smoking and went back into counseling as I knew I had more work to do. I reached out with a big email. She responded. I called and we got back together. We got lost with each other very quickly again and I lost sight of what had happened to me. I dont think she saw herself as having any problems. She did. I was away with work constantly and couldn't go to counseling often, I was bored in hotels and missed her and hit the smoking again. I hadn't dealt with my issues properly.

 

3 months later I'm in a hotel..I've just sent her a lovely text and I get instant panic.. feelings of engulfment. Like I'm giving too much and may not get enough back and might lose myself. Can I keep this up? That was the watershed. I start to withdraw for self protection. I worried she was unavailable and i would get hurt but my self esteem was too low to make a stand and tell her. I hadn't done the work I needed to. I felt like I could hurt her if I kept this up. She didn't deserve someone as messed up as I saw myself. When she noticed this she panics and starts to pull away. She says nothing when I only wanted HER to make a stand and show she loved me. She initiated a split again though it was mutual as I knew I had to really get myself sorted this time. I go back to counseling, I totally quit smoking, I still don't tell her everything. I want to be sorted first. Big mistake.

 

Its now 2.5 months since the break. I know I'm well on the way to sorting myself out for good and I'm moving on. I have quite smoking weed. Thats something I just know. Been long time coming. I reach out at 2 weeks, 1 month and 2 months. I tell her everything as I now feel confident about myself and have full understanding. She appreciates it.. though takes no blame for anything. She turns me down each time saying we are not right for each other though she responds to all contact. she also likes to be chased. Its over. I have expressed my love, made my apologies, tried to make amends. probably made myself look like an idiot but hey..its love! She needs to look at herself and refuses to see any fault so there's no way forward. She only sees what I did. I've deliberately not focused too much on her in this post. I have now given up. Its NC now forever sadly.

 

My smoking habit made someone who analyzes everything take that to the extreme.

 

Does this help?

[mimiminx]

Oh my God!!!! Your situation is EXACTLY (word by word) like mine. Except we were together for less than that. Here's what happened to me. You compare.

 

So, the first time he came out with his issues was mid July. I tried really hard to understand where he is coming from because I was in limbo before and I was just like him a year ago. When August hit, I was feeling in limbo. We went out and were sitting on the beach. I saw that he was really bugged by everything, but that he wanted to spend time with me because it made him calm and he enjoyed it very much. That night, we decided to go on a break. We were in a car, talking and he kept sighing and I was like "Why are you sighing?" and he said "Because this can't be now." Then I tried to calm him down, because I saw he was frustrated by gently touching him and telling him that everything is going to be fine - he said that my touch was very comforting. It was the hardest thing I've done. I asked him "Why do you want to keep me around? Do you see potential in me/us?" and he said "Of course I do."

After 3 weeks of not talking, we ended up contacting each other and talking over the phone. He said he missed me (for the first time - he was too scared to do that before) and how much little things reminded him of me. Then I asked him if he can see me as a friend and he said "No". I asked him if he wanted to see me and he said it would be too difficult because all he'll want to do is touch me and kiss me and he knows he can't do that anymore. So I listened and I tried to figure out a way for us to see each other. And I did. But the next thing followed.

 

I messaged him to give me a call on Sunday night and he did. For an hour of talking, he was actually thinking about my proposal (which was dating but not taking it seriously right now). He thought it was tempting and he was about to say "yes" to is when he said "You get attached easily. This won't really work." And I was like "I thought through this. You can't hurt me by being with me" and then the whole thing started (please note that for an hour he was thinking about this). He told me how it's my last year of grad... how I need to concentrate on my marks and everything else... how I can't screw it up because he wants me to get into medicine... When I didn't budge, he said how I can date other people if I have a chance and how I shouldn't wait for him. Then he said "If I hear/see you dating another guy, I will be really hurt. But that's MY problem and I need to suck it up." (Exactly what your bf said). I didn't budge again. Then he said how he doesn't want to go down the same road again - ie. being a horrible boyfriend and then getting blamed for the rest of the years (that's what happened in his previous relationship). I didn't budge again. Then he said that he doesn't see future with us. I said that I don't believe him (note what he said previously in the car). That was the last punch he tossed me and I said to that "Then why did you lead me to believe there was a chance between us? Why did you lie to me?" and he goes "That statement really pisses me off" and I said "Why? That's what you claim you did." And he said "Do you ACTUALLY believe that I led you on" and I said "No. I'm sorry" (he started to get really upset here). In that moment I realized I needed to move on for my sake and his own as well. After everything he goes to me "I still have feelings for you. I still really like you" and I said "I still really like you too." And then he said "So, you want me to think about the proposal you made?" and I'm like "Hmmm... What? After all of this?" and he was silent because I think he realized what he just said. Then I asked him "If you really don't believe there is future between us and you don't want to be with me, why would you be hurt to see me with someone else? Why would you ask me if I want you to think about the proposal? Why would you give me hope when we were in the car? You just want to push me away. You just want me to move on because you can't stand seeing me like this - unhappy." He was silent.

 

There. That's what happened. Exactly like your situation. He doesn't believe he can give me what I deserve/need so he would rather sulk in his misery.

 

NC for almost 2 weeks after he left. He contacted me, and HAS been contacting me nearly every day since then, whether its phone calls, email, facebook chat, messages. He's in Portland, I'm in San Diego. He ran away. I am also dealing with a commitment phobe as I've finally figured out so that helps me understand the situation a little better.

When we talk, he is kind, caring, sensitive, tells me he loves me very much, says the same thing, "I would want to touch you and make love to you..." BUT WE AREN'T TOGETHER. I think sometimes that he feels he has nothing to offer me. I keep in communication with him, but am not entirely available either. I love him so much and more than anything I want this to work out. I told him so and he knows exactly how I feel. It has been one month now since he left. Here's what I am doing: I am sometimes responding (not initiating) the contact. Here's what's been recently going on: On Monday morning, he sent me an forwarded email, a notice from the library that my books were overdue (under his name). I responded the next day (tuesday) that I would take care of it on Wednesday (today) and hoped he was doing well. Later that night, he sent me a chat on Facebook: "Return the books?" I said "I will tomorrow" Him: "Please dont forget" Me: I won't. How are you doing? Him: Alright, you? Then I tried to call him, he sent me a chat: "watching tv show with Mike, talk later ok?" me: ok. I'm watching a movie. I did. I checked my facebook inbox and he had sent a message. "you can call when your done" I didn't. Gave me a little gratification to think he was waiting for my call and didn't get it.

Anyway, i sent him a message today to call me when he was free. I wanted to talk to him about some loose ends anyway. Here's my new approach: I am keeping communication but only as much as necessary. If he contacts me I don't always respond. When I do talk to him I keep it light, NO TALK OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Cut it short, make nice, just keeping in touch.

Undoubtedly, like it sounds with you, he absolutely isn't letting me go. He said it would KILL him if I was with someone else, yet... he can't be with me.

Here's my conclusion: Give him his space. Do not pressure him. If you love him and hope for a reconciliation, be light, be friendly, be honest but don't even mention the relationship or ask questions about it. Don;t be too available to him, stay busy and keep your options open. Let him go, but you don't have to let "it" go. If he calls, take your sweet time getting back to him. This has been incredibly painful for me too, but I am trying this new approach.

[Taucher]

This post is making me feel a bit sad. All you poor people. Me too, actually. My ex was the same.

 

All the exes mentioned on this thread, and MY ex too. Well, what a selfish bunch of ***** if you can pardon my language (fill in the *s yourselves with whatever word feels best!).

 

I mean, saying that they cant be with you, then sending mixed messages. And then saying it will kill them to see you with anyone else. All to help THEM move on and keep US lot dragged down. A month after she VERY SURPRISINGLY left me, my ex rings and goes mental on the phone, saying she will NEVER meet anyone else like me. Well, whatever. I am here. Take me back (I didnt say this, I hung up).

 

And leap83, starter of this thread. Your ex is being SO selfish it makes me a bit angry. He is making you feel guilty through his low self esteem. Mentioning that seeing you with someone else will 'kill' him, and then saying that this is HIS problem. Well, it IS his problem, he caused this. But by telling you this bull**** he is trying to make it YOUR problem, trying to justify the reasons why he thinks so low of himself. And he CANT justify it. YOu LOVED him. And he blew it. GAH!

 

AND ANOTHER THING...I HATE HATE HATE it when someone who is dumping you says that is in your best interests. My ex said it to me. Apparantly, I need to find someone better. Better than the girl I idolise, adore and love with all my weak, stupid heart? Better the most breathtakingly beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life? The woman who can make me laugh, so hard, until I feel dizzy?

 

AND SHE IS TELLING ME THAT SHE IS DOING IT FOR ME, for MY benefit?! I think I would like to be the judge of that.

 

Sorry, didnt mean to threadjack. Rant over.

 

T

[leap83]

Irishsimon: Wow. I can only say wow. I can see now why you said it would have been better if you had the balls to walk away when you realized you had issues. I'm terribly sorry this whole thing ended up being so ****ty for you. But you're on the way to recovery, so that's a good thing. Well, I have issues too - I'm not perfect. So, I strongly believe that if I were emotionally stable, this whole thing would have been handled differently. However, I'm not - I realized that a month into a relationship when I called my best friend and started freaking out over the phone because I was feeling overwhelmed. It's obvious we both have to work on issues from our past relationships before we're going to be able to even consider pursuing a relationship with each other. However, I really hope he doesn't pull away. He already did to an extent but I hope he doesn't do it totally. Your post helped me understand a part of him - I know what is the cause of his issues: it is his past. He came out of a 7yr relationship, where they fought constantly and didn't see eye-to-eye on any of the issues. The girl called him every name under the sun and that continued for 5 years. He got used to being insulted and put down - destroyed his confidence level (I went through the exact same thing in my past relationship). So I know where this is all stemming from. I just hope he can trust me enough to be around me and let me be around him. If you know what I mean...

 

mimiminx: Last time I heard from him was 3 days ago. He hasn't tried to contact me but I'm assuming he thinks I need space, so he's being respectful. I hope he doesn't contact me for the next 2 weeks because I need those to help me heal. I get your drift. That's what I was planning on doing. I'm seeing him in 2 weeks and I don't plan to mention anything about the relationship or us, but just have fun and enjoy the evening - show him that we can in fact hang out without serious talk. I quit asking questions 3 days ago. I don't think he can answer my questions and I don't want to bug him with them. I'm giving him his space - booked my schedule to the max for the next 2 months (except for the day we're seeing each other; he said he will come and he never bails if he commits to something so I'm not afraid of him bailing). I'm just scared he'll push me away even more which I don't want him to. I'm not letting "it" go. I'm not hoping for anything but it's in the back of my mind. I don't plan on dating since I have issues I have to deal as well... But I'm really hoping everything turns out okay. It's terribly hard - I feel your pain. He also feels like he has nothing to offer me, that I deserve better, that I'm too nice to him, etc. However, I don't want to obsess over this. I'm living my life. He has his at a halt. Like my psychologist said "he needs to give himself permission to live again." There's nothing I can do right now.

[leap83]

T: Wow... wow... You seem very pissed off. Haha. It's okay. Just vent away. I don't think he's selfish and this is why. He didn't say this "I will work on my issues and won't date anyone. I don't think you should date anyone either." I'm in my last year of grad school on the road to med school. He has hurt me and a lot of this stuff has dragged me down - when he first mentioned his issues and all of this started to take a toll on me and everything else in my life. He noticed that. He paid attention to that. He saw me struggle with some silly stuff that I would have aced before because I was bugged by stuff in our relationship. I have that type of personality that I can't put apart things - school is school, relationship is relationship, etc. But when I have trouble in one area, it just spreads in all of the areas of my life. So, he noticed that and he started to worry because the last thing he wanted was that I don't get into medical school (I'm applying this year and need a huge GPA to get in). He started to wonder what was causing me to do so poorly in some areas (he needed to confirm that it was our relationship that was dragging me down) and he confirmed. Then he tried to put me into place and get me to concentrate on my work - obviously it didn't work.

 

So, no, I don't think he's being selfish. I think he's looking after me. What is more important: getting into medical school or having a relationship? I would put the first one as a major priority and he would too.

 

Thus, your ex is probably different than mine. He didn't spring this on me all of a sudden. He told me this a month before we actually decided to break-up. We tried to work it out for 3 weeks but since we both came out of very ****ty relationships, that really wasn't working - there are issues I had and he had tons more. We worked on it every day.. talked over the phone for hours... met in person and talked for hours... he really dedicated himself in trying to work things through and see whether there is a small gap in making the situation better. However, like I said, if I was emotionally stable, this would have played out totally different - but I wasn't and neither was HE. So, there lies a problem.

 

Btw... He's not moving on. In fact, I can bet you right now, he's sulking in his misery. He's in pain. I know this for a fact because we have VERY similar personalities and we're connected like that (I tend to feel what he's feeling - our connection is insane). To give you an example: 5 date I walk into his car, he's wearing a yellow shirt and jeans and so am I. I don't think anything of it, until we walk out of the car and I look at his flip-flops - they're brown just like MINE. Not to mention all of the other absurdities which happened in his life as well as mine, which make our lives interconnected even though he came from a different continent. I have never, EVER met an individual with whom I had THAT kind of connection. It freaked me out. So, no... I don't think he's selfish. I told him when we began our relationship that it would be selfish if you weren't emotionally healthy to date someone - so he is thinking the way I am and that statement woke him up. So... in a way... I helped him realize some stuff.

[leap83]

Btw, I'm NOT trying to find excuses for what he's doing. I've stopped that 4 weeks ago. I'm just telling you what I have concluded after speaking with my psychologist and going over everything. I was pissed off at first too - but then I dug through my past and realized I was just like him last year (my 4 yr relationship ended then). It took a lot of guts to go back to that stage but I gathered the strength to do it and now it's helping me deal with my own insecurities, trust issues/attachment issues and other stuff that has cropped up in this relationship.

[leap83]

I need to laugh right now. So, I went back on the website we've met because I just wanted to see something (opened up new profile) and it did the whole matching system again, and it matched me AGAIN with him. *rolls eyes* He hasn't been active on it for awhile. So, it's not a biggy. But HELL!!! And he's not a "compatible match" but "HIGHLY compatible match." I think I'm experiencing vertigo right now... I've been on the site for 2 days now... what are the odds?!