He says he's going to be busy

[writergal]

Why not just tell me he's not interested in a 2nd date?

 

I went out on a 1st date with a divorced father of 3 children three days ago. Before we met in person, when he contacted me on match, I responded to his email that I didn't think we were a good match since I am still in graduate school, and I am looking for someone who is interested in a long term relationship that leads to marriage and children.

 

He relented and asked me to give him a chance. In his 2nd email to me he wrote:

 

• He's only been divorced for 6 months
  
• Other women have contacted him asking him for casual sex
  
• He appreciated my honesty
  

First of all, I don't want to date a guy who was married for 15 years, has 3 children, and has only been divorced for 6 months. Actually, I don't mind about the children part. But I don't like the 6 months, b/c I feel like I'd just be his rebound r/s, since he also said he's just looking to casually date and not get married again in the near future.

 

So I emailed him back and said that while I still am convinced we're not a good match, perhaps we could see if there was the potential for friendship (I have a week left on my subscription to match, so I figured, what the hell, I'll go out on a date with this guy before my subscription ends).

 

So we met for a first date a few days ago. We had good conversation throughout the date and lots to talk about. At the end of the date, since we were in my neighborhood, I expected him to offer to walk me to my apartment. But instead, he asked if I would walk him to his car. I thought that was a real tacky move on his part. At his car, I just stood there while he said he had a great time and suggested we get "something on the calendar for the near future for a second date." This felt like an evasive rejection from him because he didn't specify when, and he didn't even bother to comment on how I looked for that matter, which really annoyed me because its another red flag that tells me he's not interested in me in a romantic way.

 

Then he gave me a quick hug that was really weak and was on his way. The next morning, he emailed me. In his email, he said his morning was busy spent taking his son to urgent care to treat a reaction to a bug bite, and then he quickly added that he had a great time at dinner but didn't include the "with you" and he didn't elaborate. He did ask me what my schedule was like for the fall so I emailed him back the nights I have class. But what I want to know is why would he think I would care about his son's allergic reaction, since he didnt talk about his children at all on our first date, let alone his ex-wife. I only know from his profile that he has 3 children, was married for a long time, and has been divorced for 6 months.

 

So then I waited to see if he would respond to my email. Well, the next evening he sent me another email. In his email, he wrote that his schedule is open but "inconsistently busy." I took that as a sign of rejection. My dating experience is that if a guy tells you he is busy, especially when you first meet it's just an excuse to avoid the truth: he's just not that into you. Otherwise, if this guy was romantically interested in me, he would have called me a few days after the date at least, vs. sending me those two very odd emails. It tells me he's not interested enough to make the effort or the time to continue to get to know me.

 

So I responded to his email tonight. I told him that I got the impression he's not interested in my romantically, and asked him not to lead me on, especially since I already told him I didn't think he and I were a good match to begin with, since I want to get married and he just wants to casually date.

 

Yes. I set myself up by going out on a date with a guy I knew wasn't a good match for me. Part of me hoped I was just being judgmental, which is why I went ahead with the date.

 

He is very attractive and we do have a lot of the same interests. I just think my graduate student status is poison to my dating life to men in their late 30s and early 40s who are seeking a woman to date, because I'm not financially secure and I don't have a full-time teaching job just yet. I'm nearly done with my program, but I wish it wouldn't be used against me in the dating world. Just because I'm a 38 yr old woman in graduate school does not mean I'm not capable of dating a divorced man with children; or being a role model to children in a relationship.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated with dating since it seems its mostly divorced men in my age group, who are available. What am I supposed to do? Date a 20-something? No thanks. I don't think I'm less qualified to be a good wife and mother just b/c I'm in graduate school.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I felt like I was reading a journal entry. Was there an implied question that I didn't catch? If it was the "Why not just tell me he's not interested in a 2nd date?", who the hell knows but him? Maybe he IS interested, but interest level is low...hence he keeps you hanging by tossing out a bit of communication now and again.

 

I wouldn't bother with him. I wouldn't outright turn him down if he grows a pair and asks for a second date, but I wouldn't waste my time chit-chatting, either, since his communication sounds rather detached.

[Trimmer]

Wait a minute - didn't you set an important condition with the following:

 

So I emailed him back and said that while I still am convinced we're not a good match, perhaps we could see if there was the potential for friendship...

 

So I think you have to look at a lot of your subsequent questions through that filter...

 

So we met for a first date a few days ago. We had good conversation throughout the date and lots to talk about. At the end of the date, since we were in my neighborhood, I expected him to offer to walk me to my apartment. But instead, he asked if I would walk him to his car. I thought that was a real tacky move on his part. At his car, I just stood there while he said he had a great time and suggested we get "something on the calendar for the near future for a second date." This felt like an evasive rejection from him because he didn't specify when, and he didn't even bother to comment on how I looked for that matter, which really annoyed me because its another red flag that tells me he's not interested in me in a romantic way.

So you specifically told him this was a date to see if there was potential to be friends, and now you're confused that he didn't act romantically? I'm confused...

 

Then he gave me a quick hug that was really weak and was on his way. The next morning, he emailed me. In his email, he said his morning was busy spent taking his son to urgent care to treat a reaction to a bug bite, and then he quickly added that he had a great time at dinner but didn't include the "with you" and he didn't elaborate. He did ask me what my schedule was like for the fall so I emailed him back the nights I have class. But what I want to know is why would he think I would care about his son's allergic reaction, since he didnt talk about his children at all on our first date, let alone his ex-wife.

Uh, any man with an ounce of sense (or any man who has asked for advice on the matter) would not bring up the ex-wife during a date, and would keep the children talk to a minimum, unless you showed interest. Did you?

 

Otherwise, if this guy was romantically interested in me, he would have called me a few days after the date at least, vs. sending me those two very odd emails. It tells me he's not interested enough to make the effort or the time to continue to get to know me.

Maybe he's just following your lead: you set the "see if we could be friends" condition...

 

Yes. I set myself up by going out on a date with a guy I knew wasn't a good match for me.

...and I think you set yourself up even more by telling him, essentially "just friends, not romantic" and then questioning "why isn't he acting as if he's romantically interested?"

 

 

I'm nearly done with my program, but I wish it wouldn't be used against me in the dating world. Just because I'm a 38 yr old woman in graduate school does not mean I'm not capable of dating a divorced man with children; or being a role model to children in a relationship.

Ack... "used against you?" Who is "using" this against you?

 

Didn't you decide first that he wasn't a good match? And now you're upset that your instincts were right? I'm all confused here...

[Viking]

I don't think a 20-something would really be interested in dating someone in their late 30s. You seem surprised that most of the available men are divorced. What were you doing between when you initially graduated fdom college and now?

 

Most of the guys you will encounter will have what you perceive as baggage. It doesn't sound like the guy was really that interested. Ask him to see what is really the case though.

 

Also, because of the "just friends" message he probabl doesn't really want to invest his time or waste it as he's looking for a woman to date, not "be friends" with.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think a late-30's is interested in dating a 20-something, actually.

 

I'd close off contact and leave the ball in his court.

Do nothing, and broaden your horizons.

Also, seek someone of a similar age. Trust me - with a recent ex and kids - that spells a whole lot more baggage than you'd ever believe!

[Island Girl]

I second everything Trimmer said.

 

YOU told him you weren't interested - but agreed to see if there would be a possible friendship.

 

Then you are "annoyed" because he treated you as a casual friend - not complimenting you on how you look etc.

 

??

 

Talk about not saying what you want or maybe not even knowing what you really want! Jeez. It seems like it is a bunch of double talk throughout your post.