hopefullove Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 So all these terms are new to me, i've been reading a lot here but would really appreciate some input... because i am very confused. I am suppose to met up with my ex, the love of my life, in 5 days! and he is no where to be found right now... we haven't seen each other in over a year... we now live in different countries, but have kept in touch once in a while. I've always maintained that i love him, he is sometimes angry, and sometimes reminiscent. A month and a half ago, he contacted me after a period of N/C.. (as you guys call it), and we started talking (online) everyday. it was wonderful and fun, and he started calling me by my pet names, and even with the time difference we would chat everyday. We planned to finally meet up with each other for the first time in over a year, i would be in town again, and we had planned out a whole weekend together, and it was a big deal. two weeks ago, we got into, not so much a fight, but i guess i upset him somehow, and he basically disappeared off the face of the earth for a week.... i emailed him, messaged him, apologized and i started reading into this stuff you guys call "man cave" so i decided to leave him alone. so a week after, he messages me offline to tell me he is "really busy, but we will talk soon".... now for the last month we have been talking everyday, now its almost two weeks and i havent heard from him at all except for that message..... my flight is in 5 days... i mean i am leaving him alone right now......... but this is crazy, i do not understand what is going on in his head.... when we first started talking again, he had said something about how he wishes someone would just make a plan so we could be together, I am his most serious relationship, and it was a very passionate one... he was hurt because i acted very immaturely with tantrums, which demasculated him, and he said, i broke his heart... (i told him to go back to his home country, after he had gone back home, and came back to decide to stay in my country)......i dont know how we can go from talking everyday, seem like we are rekindling, and he just shuts down..... please help!!!!!
ATR Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Nothing much to this i feel. I think he was just stringing you along and now its at the point where he has to make an effort... he bails. Ditch him fast!
TaraMaiden Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Man, he sounds a complete loser player.... cancel the flight, stay where you are, maintain NC, and stay away from him. Drop off his radar, and please - please!! - Start building your life for you. He is not - I REPEAT, NOT - the love of your life. Love doesn't do these things. dependency and clinging does these things. Shake him off, he is sooo not worth your time. Do as we suggest. I really urge you. Although you will in all probability ignore it all..... Prove me wrong.
danny75 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I could do with a holiday where you going? lol only joking just to listen to the advice already been given. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Island Girl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Man, he sounds a complete loser player.... cancel the flight, stay where you are, maintain NC, and stay away from him. Drop off his radar, and please - please!! - Start building your life for you. He is not - I REPEAT, NOT - the love of your life. Love doesn't do these things. dependency and clinging does these things. Shake him off, he is sooo not worth your time. THIS Do as we suggest. I really urge you. Although you will in all probability ignore it all..... Prove me wrong. And THIS -- *sigh* We all just see that there is too much bad and no good in this. It is a recipe for heart ache.
Beeotch Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 To be frank: it doesn't seem as if you guys are ready for a rekindling. Normally after a year, esp one of No Contact...I would assume it would be smooth sailing and like the honey-moon period all over. But after a whole year you guys are still fighting, throwing tantrums, disappearing, you're hurting his feelings and vice-versa...it just sounds like a messy situation that should be left alone. This to me does NOT sound like the makings of a beautiful love-story but sounds like the drama that happens that leads to a break up.
Author hopefullove Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 hi guys, thanks so much for replying. Well, my flight is book because i have a business trip there too, i decided to take a week off earlier, and booked a hotel for myself, so i basically have to be there..... it's actually my hometown, so i will be ok, i'll have lots to do and can find friends to hang out with. what irks me is that he is the one who initated the contact, and we made all these specific plans, to revisit our favorite restaurants, go to the fair, when we were talking, we reminisced about everything. He isn't the type to go online, so when we were talking everyday, he was only there to talk to me...(since he also created an account to chat). We never talked on the phone, i think it would be too close for comfort, i think. But the "fight", stemmed by him having a bad day. His former employer flew him back into town to help work on a project, and adores him and wants him to stay, said they would provide immigration laywers etc (he is from UK, i am from Canada). And he said he felt lost, and sad, because, I guess of where we are now. I questioned his feelings i guess, which offended him... he always said he never imagined we would ever meet up again, so this was a big deal, he kept telling me what a big deal it was for him to see me again, and i questioned this, which hurt his feelings... i'm just guessing... he's always been the type to just disappear, but he always ends up reappearing again.... i mean, could he just be needing some space? i know he hasnt moved on, he told me that, he has lost a lot of himself since our break up.... and that he's always loved me. but he is so stubborn.... well im going to maintain NC with him i guess... if he wants to see him, i've told him enough times when i will be coming, and once this trip is over, i will know for sure what kind of man he is
Tayla Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I think you do already know for sure what kind of man he is. You are just going to get your final validation thru a reality check when you visit your home town.
Author hopefullove Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 update: i spoke to a girlfriend, who's always had the ability to wrap a man around her finger and she told me to just casually email him to ask him if we were still hanging out. And i did, and for the first time in 2 weeks, he came online to chat.... he msged me "hello" offline, unfortunately when i logged on, on invisible, i saw him online, but he logged off before i was able to change to visible. so .... we'll see. or not. either way, i'm mentally preparing myself...
Island Girl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 update: i spoke to a girlfriend, who's always had the ability to wrap a man around her finger I have that ability and I wouldn't want shyte wrapped around my finger. This guy is a complete waste of time. But you'll find out soon enough I guess.
Author hopefullove Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 see the thing is, i wronged him... he was my first relationship ever, and i guess i didnt really know how to deal with new emotions that come with having a first boyfriend at 23... i never dated until i was 20, and it was never anything serious... i got bored quickly.... but i met him so randomly, and we clicked right away..after our first date, the next day, i randomly see him across the street in downtown, i was with a girlfriend telling her about him, and he was visiting a store where his friend worked, telling him about me.... we both made eye contact across the street... it was so.. magical!!! and we are from different parts of the world, and we had so much in common.. when i first met him, he told me he was going to move to nyc, which he did for a while after we broke up.... but when we were together... he made me his life.... and did everything he could to stay in my country......... he's always been the sweetest boy to me, always makes me laugh, always finds ways of making me happy, ... he would make me a picnic, in the mornin, he would surprise me with breakfast, cut out heart shaped toast.... we went to a science centre and he spelled out a giant "i love you" in this memory pad thing, he went to all of my family functions, my aunts and cousins love him, went out to meet all my friends, surprises me with flowers randomly, teaches me new things, i love this band and all my girlfriends were going, and he made matching T-shirts for all of us (everyone asked us where we got them, they were nice!), and again, just makes me laugh all the time...... made an effort for what i wanted, (and he always had his own life too....), i was great to him too.... but in reflection, he made more of an effort than i did... and any bad times, was spurned by me... when we were together, i was insecure, and would flip out a lot... i always thought "why isnt he responding to me the way i want him to" and flip out even more..... my family always put up with my tantrums, and in university, my roommate would flip out at her boyfriend all the time and he would, and my current roommate flipped out at her boyfriend all the time too, so for some twisted reason, i thought he should put up with my tantrums....i was so stupid...... i was sick one time and he went to buy some fish to cook soup for me, and i spazzed at him because i didnt like the taste.... what kind of psycho does that!!!!!! the one that started the whole thing, was one morning, he woke up to bake a cake for my friend's cake charity fund raiser, and i spazzed at him because i didnt like his tone... or something stupid, and told him to go back to his country, after he had just came back a week earlier to extend his visa... and i broke his heart....... i know our problems also came because we never talked about them, and when he gets upset, he shuts down and disappears, and then, i would apoligize, but we would never discuss anything, which i think built my this anger i had...... but i am more mature now.... i regret the childish behaviour i exhibited.... we have amazing chemistry, and passion....... so, i dont think he's a waste of time... i broke his heart, he is a proud guy, so i really shattered his self esteem, after he re-evaluated how he was treated in the relationship, i dont think he's ever loved someone so much before, so it hurt him a lot, so for hiim to give me a second chance.... is a big deal..... know what i mean?
Island Girl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I understand from your post that you were in "young love". And obviously, as it happens with a lot of young couples, things went awry and you weren't at a place to be able to commit to that. BUT you should be looking at his behavior NOW - not then. Those times do not matter anymore. Now does. If he is still hurt by all of that and this is how he reacts - expect a man who when in a relationship shuts down emotionally. If it is out of hurt from the past and he is acting like this to punish you - expect a man that holds grudges (never ending) and seeks to hurt you in some way when he feels wronged. If he is scared of being hurt again so he is withdrawn - expect a weak man who wavers at the thought of caring deeply about you or anyone ever again. This guy spells I-S-S-U-E-S. Again, I would not waste a moment of my time on him. Memories are great - but actions NOW are what count. And he dropped you like a hot potato - he dropped of the face of the planet which is pretty sucky behavior. All things taken into consideration I would MOVE ON and not even think twice about it.
Author hopefullove Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 island girl, i hear ya loud and clear, yup he probably is all those things. haha. but at what point do you weigh things out, and if everything else is good, and the only thing really wrong with him is that he shuts down, but everything else is perfect, is it fair to just give up on it..... but thanks tho, really with the help of these forums, i've really put my heart in check, and thought things out.... i used to lovebomb with letters and emails and nagging and stuff like that, i wish i found these forums a year ago!
Island Girl Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 island girl, i hear ya loud and clear, yup he probably is all those things. haha. but at what point do you weigh things out, and if everything else is good, and the only thing really wrong with him is that he shuts down, but everything else is perfect, is it fair to just give up on it..... but thanks tho, really with the help of these forums, i've really put my heart in check, and thought things out.... i used to lovebomb with letters and emails and nagging and stuff like that, i wish i found these forums a year ago! The second a guy shuts down like that it is likely enough I'd be done at any stage. With only a handful of exceptions - one of those being lying comatose in a hospital bed. If a guy you aren't even in a relationship with does it? The forget it. Already there is trauma and drama and I am wondering why -- and What the hell -- and we aren't even dating?? Jeez then what is dating going to be like?? Ugh. Scary. And then you have the history. Here is a guy who obviously knows how to be wonderful. He knows how to do the right things. He knows what feelings are. But he deliberately turns around and behaves in a hurtful way on purpose. Nope. No way forget it. You can find another. Just right now you are feeling a bit like he was the one that got away. When you meet a new guy - it will go to the back burner. And from now on just leave them there. If you go out with a guy and you break up -- just don't go back. Move forward and learn from it. There are too many good ones out there to chase after the bad ones. Glad you found LoveShack
Author hopefullove Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 update i just wanted to update, because i finally talked to him today... it turns out he was super busy and working late everyday so he could clear up his schedule when i come to visit.... not sure why he just didnt tell me, but this must be a sort of man behaviour i need to get used to, or get out.... we talked about all the plans we have, told me he had a friend who wanted him to go to the fair with him, but he was saving it for me, and it was good.... i think its going to happen... in 3 days....
Girlygirl1977 Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Something you might want to consider is being more open and honest in your communication. This is what is good in a healthy relationship. When he told you that he had been busy etc., you should/could have mentioned that it worried you when you hadn't heard from him a while. Sometimes it helps to let people know what their behaved caused for you (feelings) so that they can learn not to do it again. You don't linger on it - but say it in a short and sweet way ideally. Then if it keeps happening you know that you have made it known. The way you are proceeding, you are keeping your fears and worries to yourself. I don't think this is productive.
Island Girl Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Something you might want to consider is being more open and honest in your communication. This is what is good in a healthy relationship. When he told you that he had been busy etc., you should/could have mentioned that it worried you when you hadn't heard from him a while. Sometimes it helps to let people know what their behaved caused for you (feelings) so that they can learn not to do it again. You don't linger on it - but say it in a short and sweet way ideally. Then if it keeps happening you know that you have made it known. The way you are proceeding, you are keeping your fears and worries to yourself. I don't think this is productive. The bolded post above. Exactly. If you are really looking at attempting to build a relationship with this guy again you shouldn't start off by being a doormat.
Author hopefullove Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Island Girl, You are the best... Everyone was right!!!! of course.... of course he was scum. we did everything we planned to do. when i saw him, he acted like nothing was wrong, like he didnt ignore me for 2 weeks. we had a great time, and now it's over. we chatted a little after our time together, and then he just ignored me all together... I love this from Island Girl... And then you have the history. Here is a guy who obviously knows how to be wonderful. He knows how to do the right things. He knows what feelings are. But he deliberately turns around and behaves in a hurtful way on purpose. Nope. No way forget it. in some ways perhaps our re-meeting gave him closure, and in me knowing that he has let go, i'm able to start to let go. just... cant believe, some people... so callous.
wondering_girl Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 hey hopefullove how are you babe? wait so he showed up after he ignored you?? and you guys hung out and he never turned up again... i know it still hurts, and i know we all deserve better.. hope you're doing well.... i have lots of good and bad days.. blah guess it's a part of it.
Author hopefullove Posted November 18, 2009 Author Posted November 18, 2009 yup! thats about it! we chat for 3 months, right up to the time we are going to meet, he ignores me for 2 weeks. then we meet and have a great time like i never left, then i go back to the eastcoast, and he stays in teh westcoast, i tell him i'll be back in a month or so (for work, for a few months actually, so he knew i would be back), and after brief chit chat i havent heard from him since!!!!! today is... man. i dont even know how many days it has been of N/C... i kidna find it better to not keep track of the days, i think keeping track of the days makes me even more angry. I know you were kinda in the same position of someone who ignored you, but at least he's been wanting to talk to you right Wondering Girl? I mean, even if you choose to move on, you can actually have a talk with him, now that he's all good and ready to talk... i think mine decided, ok, i got my closure, the hell with her. or something. i'm doing better each day, but still, yeah, as i think we're all feeling, the holidays coming up... sometimes the random feelings come up as me missing him, my being hurt, and angry, and i dont know, just so many emotions, still!!!! it sucks, i made such a big deal of my re-meeting him, and people i havent seen for a while are like 'ohhh how did it go with???" and im just like UGH.... a big boulder needs to fall on his head.
j_cali_man Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Hopefull, Reading your posts from a ways back until today has been really helpful. I put myself in your shoes and kind of imagine myself having feelings similar to yours in a few months if/when my ex gf and I reconnect. Just a big thank you for updating us. Do hang in there... J
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