rosey77 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Hi, Just been doing a stocktake lol of my past relationships. And figuring out most of the have been some kind of 'bad boy' What makes them so attractive? Or am i up for self sabotage. I just ended my latest fiasco of a, ahem, relationship with yet another malfunctioning man. I would have thought at my age 37 that i'd have woken up to myself. I know a man who is lovely. He is attractive. but he is very very nice but he doesnt make me feel excited. I dont want to end up with yet another awful bad boy. So i am getting to know this person quite slowly which isnt my normal style. The more i know him the more nice he seems. he is considerate and very respectful towards women. he is even reliable and takes good care of himself. I really want to give it a chance, get to know him and see what happens. anyone else here in the bad boy or girl cycle? anyone break it and go with a nice guy/girl? and what happened for you. thanks everyone rosey
westrock Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Using your own words, here's how you've described these 2 men: Bad Boy - exciting but malfunctioning, fiasco, awful 'Nice' Guy - lovely, attractive, very very nice, considerate and very respectful towards women, he is even reliable and takes good care of himself; doesnt make me feel excited Is it possible that you thrive off the drama that bad boys cause in your life? That excitement you are feeling is likely being fueled by adrenaline from the stress that the bad boy causes. You need to ask yourself what do you want?
Author rosey77 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Posted August 31, 2009 You need to ask yourself what do you want? Yes and I think I want someone nice for once. i would agree i would unconsciously be choosing the drama. But more and more it is getting too painful and old. I had alot of drama going on as a child. I guess i tryto recreate it. I know I dont have to keep being that way. Anyone here break the cycle of being attracted to bad boys?
Hkizzle Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 To get over bad boys you need to do three things: 1) Understand all the red flags that indicate a guy is a player, narcissist, etc 2) Raise your self esteem to the level where you don't easily fall for the sweet talk bad boys come up with. 3) Understand that bad boys never change for a woman. Women often think they are special and men will change for them. Men don't do that, the few bad boys that do change change in between relationships because they change for themselves.
Woggle Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys are one of the kind of men left who haven't emasculated themselves and many women find that very attractive. Even the most hardcore ballbuster wants a strong man who she can respect and today bad boys tend to be that.
Absolutely Curtains Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I stopped going for bad boys when the drama got to be a turn off.
espec10001 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 It's because bad boys just don't give a s***. They learned to stop caring about what other people think of them. They are attractive because they have the ability to disrupt "the order". And I mean who wouldn't find someone who is rebellious exciting? If its the same old mundane s*** everyday that's boring. It's those guys who dare to be different that is attractive, not necessarily a criminal type. Criminal bad boys are just stupid bad boys who get caught. I'd rather be considered crazy than boring anyday. F*** and f*** some more. Trees in the wind feel me? Good. Rather be known as crazy than boring. 2+1= 5
westrock Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 It's because bad boys just don't give a s***. They learned to stop caring about what other people think of them. The problem with this is that they also don't give a s*** about their partner. Initially this attitude presents itself as a guy who is not emotionally attached and won't be hurt if she later rejects him. Initially, this is actually a good thing because a woman can then let her guard down knowing that she can dump him without any hurt feelings if she decides they are not compatible. If he's a nice guy then it is much easier for him to become emotionally attached and thereby much harder for her to dump him if the feelings aren't mutual. The problems with a bad boy start when she becomes emotionally attached and she discovers that he doesn't reciprocate but instead continues with his bad boy attitude. The good guy (versus the nice guy) knows to not become emotionally attached at first (like the bad boy), but then if the feelings are mutual he is able to shift gears and become emotionally attached (like the nice guy). Rather be known as crazy than boring. Yes, but it's even better to be known as happy rather than crazy or boring.
espec10001 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 The problem with this is that they also don't give a s*** about their partner. Initially this attitude presents itself as a guy who is not emotionally attached and won't be hurt if she later rejects him. Initially, this is actually a good thing because a woman can then let her guard down knowing that she can dump him without any hurt feelings if she decides they are not compatible. If he's a nice guy then it is much easier for him to become emotionally attached and thereby much harder for her to dump him if the feelings aren't mutual. The problems with a bad boy start when she becomes emotionally attached and she discovers that he doesn't reciprocate but instead continues with his bad boy attitude. The good guy (versus the nice guy) knows to not become emotionally attached at first (like the bad boy), but then if the feelings are mutual he is able to shift gears and become emotionally attached (like the nice guy). Yes, but it's even better to be known as happy rather than crazy or boring. Nah. Happy is boring. Happy doesn't drive you anywhere. Happiness is satisfaction. You look into these blue eyes and you can see either the sky or ice. But not happiness. Happiness is for the Earthly browns, the warm hearted, but not the blues. Though I love the warm browns, this is their place, not mine. Don't understand what I'm saying, do ya? Cause I already know.
tkgirl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 yep, I've fallen for a few bad boys in my day... until I had the relationship from hell... drug addict, told me he "needed" me to help him quit and that's all I had to hear... big time co-dependant! Eventually I got tired of it, but not until he put me through more hell and I even had to get a restraining order on the psycho! The next guy I dated was sooooo nice... maybe a little too nice. I stopped respecting him and then cheated on him. oh yea.. I've been through some s***! NOW what I want is a guy that is REAL. I'm still attracted to the bad boy for sure, but I look at what's inside their heart... like someone else here said... not a nice guy but a GOOD guy! I know he's out there...
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys (Perception): Confident, strong, independent, mysterious, intriguing. Bad boys (Reality): Insecure, over-inflated sense of self-esteem, over-compensates for lack of confidence by appearing to not give a crap about anyone but themselves (and often do not). They are by all accounts every bit "bad" boys. Bad as in TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. Good men: Possess the TRUE qualities that are perceived to be had by bad boys....only they are IDEAL relationship material. As for the passion/attraction, usually it's the people-pleasing door mat nice guys that are unable to generate passion and excitement in a relationship. They leave nothing to the imagination and just flat out try too hard.
tkgirl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys (Perception): Confident, strong, independent, mysterious, intriguing. Bad boys (Reality): Insecure, over-inflated sense of self-esteem, over-compensates for lack of confidence by appearing to not give a crap about anyone but themselves (and often do not). They are by all accounts every bit "bad" boys. Bad as in TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. Good men: Possess the TRUE qualities that are perceived to be had by bad boys....only they are IDEAL relationship material. As for the passion/attraction, usually it's the people-pleasing door mat nice guys that are unable to generate passion and excitement in a relationship. They leave nothing to the imagination and just flat out try too hard. exactly! great post!!
Thaddeus Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys portray alpha qualities, even if those alpha qualities are manufactured. PUAs do the same thing. Many, many women are drawn to that. In a world of emasculated, feminized men (aka "nice guys"), they stand out because they're different.
espec10001 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys portray alpha qualities, even if those alpha qualities are manufactured. PUAs do the same thing. Many, many women are drawn to that. In a world of emasculated, feminized men (aka "nice guys"), they stand out because they're different. that's why I said it's always better to be crazy and mad than boring and nice. Nice or good guys don't have anything that can disrupt "order".
tkgirl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys portray alpha qualities, even if those alpha qualities are manufactured. PUAs do the same thing. Many, many women are drawn to that. In a world of emasculated, feminized men (aka "nice guys"), they stand out because they're different. we might be "drawn" to those qualities at first... but most of us can figure out whether the guy is being real or not... if he isn't then it's a huge turn-off.
The Collector Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Unlike Nice Guys, they suggest they will f*ck you into the middle of next week, even if afterwards they will wipe their dick on your curtains, steal your beer and not call you the next day.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Unlike Nice Guys, they suggest they will f*ck you into the middle of next week, even if afterwards they will wipe their dick on your curtains, steal your beer and not call you the next day. Yeah, but I dont know It depends if its a front you know They have to be genuinely disinterested and most are really just trying to play the role
Pyro Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 There is a fine line between nice guy and bad boy. Those are extreme opposites. There is a lot of room in between. Women have different tastes. Some need the drama/lies/constant arguing to stay interested and others don't like the drama and prefer a more peaceful time to stay interested.
dreamergrl Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 For some people, all they know is 'bad boys', it is what they are used to, so they are inclined to stick with what they know. It's not that unusual to be stuck in that cycle. Most who are will be attracted to this type before knowing exactly how the guy is. You also got to keep in mind, there's a fine line between nice guy and doormat. Easily confused when first trying to get out of the 'bad boy' cycle.
boldjack Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I've always been the "bad boy", but inside, I'm a little lamb.:laugh:
Hkizzle Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Bad boys (Perception): Confident, strong, independent, mysterious, intriguing. Bad boys (Reality): Insecure, over-inflated sense of self-esteem, over-compensates for lack of confidence by appearing to not give a crap about anyone but themselves (and often do not). They are by all accounts every bit "bad" boys. Bad as in TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. Good men: Possess the TRUE qualities that are perceived to be had by bad boys....only they are IDEAL relationship material. As for the passion/attraction, usually it's the people-pleasing door mat nice guys that are unable to generate passion and excitement in a relationship. They leave nothing to the imagination and just flat out try too hard. Actually I've been studying this. Depending on the type of bad boy, they have the following issues: Sex addicts misogynists narcissists I think it's more ugly than many women realize.
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 There is a fine line between nice guy and bad boy. Those are extreme opposites. There is a lot of room in between. Women have different tastes. Some need the drama/lies/constant arguing to stay interested and others don't like the drama and prefer a more peaceful time to stay interested. Actually bad boys and nice guys are a lot alike. Both are extremely insecure, they just have different ways of dealing with it. Bad Boys pull the "I don't give a crap" attitude and nice guys go overboard to please others. Same negative traits: No confidence, no self-esteem. Women are drawn to bad boys because they "appear" to be good/confident/balanced men in the beginning (and are even kind in the initial stages because they're after sex and they'll play the game to get it). Actually I've been studying this. Depending on the type of bad boy, they have the following issues: Sex addicts misogynists narcissists I think it's more ugly than many women realize. Yes and of course, insecure women who lack self-confidence will stick with a bad boy because they don't feel they deserve better. On top of all of this, they feel they can "change" this man into being a good/balanced/confident guy -- the kind of guy they want. There are two issues with this: 1. It's a losing battle, more than likely he will never change. But many women will never give up on their perception of love with this man, even in spite of him proving time and time again that he will not change. 2. On the off chance (0.01%) that change, if and when they change, they are no longer appealing. The challenge is over and she gets bored. A lot of insecure women crave the drama created by bad boy/jerk men. When the drama is gone, they get bored. Strong, confident, self-assured women will not put up with a bad boy. They can clearly see the different between bad boys and balanced men. And they have the self-confidence and self-respect to leave early in the relationship.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Good post CG- I think you're right. It's also a maturity issue. I got over being treated like crap when I matured a bit. I don't want a man with no self respect or self esteem. But I want one still tender enough to recognize my needs and want to meet them. Rare combination- luckily I found that in my H.
butcher's hook Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Unlike Nice Guys, they suggest they will f*ck you into the middle of next week, even if afterwards they will wipe their dick on your curtains, steal your beer and not call you the next day. That's why I have blinds and only drink wine. But seriously...there is nothing special about bad boys. I think very few women actually prefer bad boys. what we don't like are the typical "nice guy" translation, doormat who comes on too strong. That is what women really don't want. The two extremes are bad, men should aim to fall somewhere between the two.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I know a man who is lovely. He is attractive. but he is very very nice but he doesnt make me feel excited. I dont want to end up with yet another awful bad boy. So i am getting to know this person quite slowly which isnt my normal style. The more i know him the more nice he seems. he is considerate and very respectful towards women. he is even reliable and takes good care of himself. I really want to give it a chance, get to know him and see what happens. anyone else here in the bad boy or girl cycle? anyone break it and go with a nice guy/girl? and what happened for you. Rosey... you seem like a nice lady, so throw in the towel on this one before you go and hurt somebody! Bottom line is that your not attracted to this guy, however nice he may seem to be. Never date someone you are not attracted to!! It's the worst thing you can do... not just to yourself but to the guy as well. The next guy I dated was sooooo nice... maybe a little too nice. I stopped respecting him and then cheated on him. oh yea.. I've been through some s***! NOW what I want is a guy that is REAL. I'm still attracted to the bad boy for sure, but I look at what's inside their heart... like someone else here said... not a nice guy but a GOOD guy! I know he's out there... You know that you have some serious.... serious emotional issues when you can't respect anyone who respects you. I really doubt you have the ability to see what is inside a mans heart. Just stop overthinking it and date whoever you like. Maybe it will work out for you... maybe not. At least you won't be screwing up everyone else's life.
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